My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

What a lovely memory- I can just imagine her excited laughs and shrieking with delight when she was caught.

It is totally the right decision to adjorn Mia's inquest. You all need to know the answers and the court needs all of the information. I am sorry that it has had to be delayed and the pain and anxiety this will cause you all.
But it would be much worse to live with a doubt that it wasn't carried out properly. Mia and all of you deserve the truth and all the information to come out.

Have you ever come across the series of books written by Benji Bennett. Adam his son was a 4 year old boy who very suddenly died of a brain tumour. He died the same day they took him to hospital after he had been sick.
Benji has written a series of the most beautiful wonderful child books about Angel Adam and his message of love. If you feel able look up the dad and the book as I am sure that the messgae of love and hope the book convey will give you some comfort. I know you have written about your thoughts about writing a book about Mia- I can just imagine as a beautiful red- haired version of Adam in those books.

Love conquers time and the love you all have for Mia is everlasting.
Mia is with you, in your love and deep inside your soul. I hope you can feel her presence and be comforted by it. Remember on the moments you feel sad and lonely you are in the thoughts of so many, reach out and let us support you.
Take care, Jo

You have made a very brave decision to adjourn Mia's inquest and I am sure it is the right one. As you say, you need to know as much information as you can, and it needs to be accurate. I hope you are feeling Mia close to you as you wait for the inquest. I feel sure she feels you and her daddy right beside her.

Jmf, I wish I could put together posts like yours, they are wonderful.

Miasmummy I may not be able to post for a week or so, so I wanted to pop in and echo the other ladies when they say how brave you are in adjourning the inquest. You continue to astonish me with your strength. Love and light and daily prayers, as ever.

Miasgrandad I am so glad you came back to talk to us again. Love and light to you and your family too. x

Thank you for your support about the adjournment of Mia's inquest. A friend asked me how I felt about it, and all I could say was that it didn't actually matter how I felt, it is the right thing to do for Mia. She deserves the truth. She deserves nothing less.

Most of the time, I try so hard to feel Mia with me. Sometimes though, she is off with other friends... I received a text tonight from a lovely friend, whose daughter was due on the same day as Mia. She found her daughter with holding their photo of Mia, dancing and singing away to one of their favourite songs.

I like that Mia visits her friends to play with them. But it also hurts so very much.

jmf I also meant to say that I will definitely look up those books, they sound lovely.

It must feel so bittersweet, that Mia is making an appearance in her friends games and talk, which is a sign of how much she meant to so many people, young and older.

I will also mention a couple of books, I don't want to appear pushy, but I found these two very moving- A Song for Jenny, which is a fairly recent book by Julie Nicholson whose daughter was killed in the tube bombings several years ago. Julie's style of writing is beautiful, as is yours miaalexandrasmummy. Julie's daughter was much older , in her 20s but it is so clear that the pain is so raw and that as a mother it doesn't diminish just because your child has grown up.

The other book which I found very moving is called Sundays child by Olivia cox, whose daughter died age 2 from an untreatable illness. Again, the book is very moving and uplifting. The book is quite old, I bought it about 20 years ago so I dont think it's in print any more, but maybe available second hand online, or if you want I will send you my copy.

I just find it amazing that Mia's friends remember her in these little ways. Unknown to us, they are so much wiser and more sensitive than we would ever expect.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow - next meeting with the conference centre to look around their site for Mia's Wood.

Darling girl. All your family misses you so. Love and light, Little Squeak. Do come and visit my dreams again soon. So many years without you yet to come.

What an encouraging meeting. A beautiful sunny day, the kindness of a new friend, and the possibility of Mia's Wood becoming real... We were offered three possible locations for Mia's Wood at the conference venue today, their interest in making Mia's Wood part of their overall planting scheme, and the offer that we become one of their three chosen charities. And it could all happen in the next few months. Amazing.

We have chosen the largest site, and currently it is probably the least attractive - facing some buildings at the back of the site. However, it has the most potential for us to create somewhere special for Mia, a place of love and reflection, a location nearby where we can plant flaming red trees with Mia irises and bluebells below.

I especially like the thought that others will be able to watch the wood grow from their windows, people like you all, people who didn't know Mia, but who might still be touched by the beauty of the vista, and take a moment to think of our gorgeous, loving and superb little red-headed daughter. I love the idea of Mia touching the hearts of others, captivating you all with her wide smile, just as she has done so completely with us.

Oh that sounds so positive. Surprisingly good news about the potential time scale too; hopefully things will happen soon. The thought of something living and growing and following the timeless pattern of the seasons seems very soothing

That's really good news about Mia's Woods.

Don't forget to let us know where and how we can donate ~ with time or money.

You've been in my thoughts a lot over the past few days. My littlest one is heading towards having been on this earth for 400 days. He's been under the weather and I've been so worried about him. Your stories and love have kept me vigilant and full of love and cuddles for them all.

God I hope that doesn't come across as insensitive to your situation. I mean that I've been really feeling for you in particular over the past few days. Sorry if that sounds selfish.

Another big day today. Far more challenging. Frightening even. Please think of us.

We are meeting the hospital to discuss their internal investigation findings about Mia's death. It will not be easy. I have to finally read their report before we go, something I have been deliberately avoiding. We have support coming along, but facing the hospital people is likely to bring a lot of anger and hurt up all over again. Especially for my DH. I don't think it will be cathartic at all, but at least we will hear directly about their conclusions and lessons learnt, and can decide if we think Mia's death has been treated appropriately.

As if. How can the loss of our beautiful girl can ever be designated to a report? Mia was, and is, so much more than neat and tidy words on a paper. She is pure, unadulterated love.

Oh God, sorry you're facing this today Mia'sMummy . Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Wishing you strength for today.
Of course Mia's life was so much more than the sum of a document or report . You know that, everyone who loves her knows that. We all know that too, without having ever met her but seeing the pictures you paint of her life.

But hopefully you will be treated with dignity and respect and above all honesty.

Thoughts with you and your DH today.
I really hope the hospital treats you sensitively, fairly and compassionately today. I hope the answers you receive are truthful and they are open and honest in their handling of the meeting.

Of course Mia is not a report, or a case, or an incident.
What you have had to hear about today is so sadly what happened to her, but it is not what defines, or explains her. She is so much greater than that.
As you say she is love, so deeply loved and so loving.

Keep strong and brave and know that she is with you, deep inside, loving you and so so proud of her wonderful Mummy.
You and all who love Mia are in my thoughts and prayers right now.

Well, the meeting today went better than hoped. We didn't yell or cry, as I had half suspected. We were polite and even reasonable... as it was about improvements to procedures, rather than actual medical issues, as these will be the focus of Mia's inquest.

Were we treated compassionately? I think so. Everyone expressed their condolences, and I felt they meant it. Were we listened to? To a reasonable extent. Were we treated with honesty? That is harder. People have every reason to be cautious in what they say with an upcoming inquest, so I am not sure that the system is geared to allow for full disclosure.

Darling Mia, you have no idea just how much we want to get this right for you. My giggly, smiley, inquisitive girl who loves us forever and who is with us forever...

... when we die that is what we become, millions of dust particles.
And then we go back to earth in a million different places ;
to sit on top of mountains, to become snow flakes and grains of sand.
We become a part of earth. We really never leave

These were the words of another MNer lady who died of cancer over the weekend, and so I share them here with love and respect, as I found them immensely comforting today. Mia forever.

I'm glad it went well for you both, or at least as well as you could have hoped for given the circumstances.

What wonderful words, comforting and true.

flubba no, I didn't feel at all that you were being selfish. I think all our friends hug their children that little bit harder every night as they remember Mia.

And you and dubai are both very kind to offer to format the next part of this thread for me...

I am missing Mia's little noises today. Her gurgles, her trills, her happy da-da-da sounds, her excited laugh of a-HA-ha-ha-ha as she bounced to show me something new. I also miss Mia's two-tone discordant scream, demanding me to pick her up after her nap. I miss how if she hurt herself, she would open her mouth so wide in a silent scream, before eventually letting out an ear-piercing noise as I would hold her tight in an effort to soothe her. I would love when she would grumble at me, rubbing her face across my chest, just like a young calf, when she decided she wanted a bit of milk from me. Most of all, I miss her open-mouth kisses, which were always accompanied by a big 'ahhh' as she launched herself onto my face. Such happy, wonderful Mia noises.

x

I think of you and your DH often. How lucky Mia was to know such all-encompassing love. Love that continues on and spreads out through your words - touching so many lives. Always growing and never diminishing.

We were the lucky ones to have Mia and her love in our lives. Her love endures, but a little innocent girl should be here with us too. It hurts so much that she is not. Just heard a song tonight that made me remember the celebration of her life :-

when I see your face, there is not a thing that I would change
you are amazing, just the way you are

I have realised that somehow today, I felt that Mia would be coming back to us. There are too many memories that I want to continue, too many experiences left unfinished. Too much love yet to give.

Darling girl, why did this happen? I want you back. To protect you from harm, and to love you.

Mia's squeal of victory, that too. A very important noise! Just have been watching video snippets of her, and in a couple of them, at the end, she is very close to the camera, and I just want to reach and touch her. Seeing her sweet happy little face so close to me is so wonderful and terrible at the same time.

That must be bittersweet. I can't imagine how tragic it must be to feel like she should be there to touch and listen to.

How is your DH doing? And your parents?

DH keeps things in most of the time, both his sadness and his memories of Mia. He hates leaving for work without his little girl waving goodbye enthusiastically. He admits he is just existing. And it's hard to know how to help him except say "I know".

Tonight we talked about his bedtime routine with Mia. They'd lie on our bed, with a carefully selected pile of books next to them. Mia would sit nestled in one arm, while he lay there and read her a story. It was always a bit hit-and-miss. If she was tired, she'd snuggle in. If not, she grab another book or play with Squeaky Bee or rabbit. But always, it was Mia who decided When It was Time to Turn the Page. He was never permitted to do so. If he had the temerity to try, she would give him an indignant look, as if to say "that is my job, not yours!" and turn it back, or leap forward, according to her mood. It made story delivery a challenge. But he did love this special time with his girl, and never minded just how many times he read Wheels on the Bus or about Baby Hippo's bellybutton if it made Mia happy. The best moment of all would be when she finally succumbed to sleep, her red curls on his chest, and her soft hand gently touching her daddy's face. I think it was his favourite part of his day.

Life now without those wonderful Mia moments is so much more dreary and drab, so much less exciting. But there is no alternative.