My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

I'm totally in love with my daughter, that is true, but I am not brave or strong. I still cry several times every day, and I often feel I am floundering... but I have so much love and goodwill being sent to me which bolsters me, and helps me think more positively - most of the time. Most of all, it's my absolute love for Mia, and my beautiful memories of her, which keep me going. And my DH.

He is the strong one. He misses Mia so much, and yet he is always there for me, unembarrassed when I cry, steady when I am weak, courageous when I feel life is impossible. I know he has a huge hole in his heart for Mia, his spectacular little girl. He always says that he could never have imagined how the whole world became so amazing because of her. He also feels that he feels the world has lost so much now she is gone. We lived in a perfect bubble of happiness.

He's right. We both feel that way. Of course we do. Who couldn't?

He sounds brilliant Miasmummy, I am so glad you have each other. You may not think you are strong or brave, but we do and we are full of admiration for you.

Thinking of you and sending you love today xxx

I went over to visit friends today, and watched gorgeous twin boy toddlers loving the gentle attentions of three older boys. Wonderful to see. The twins had fun with Mia last April, and they were quite intrigued that she was allowed to sit in one of their highchairs. They tried to feed her too, generously giving her some of their bread crusts, which caused her to giggle and smile, and bounce up and down.

I miss preparing Mia her food. They were the most colourful repasts, no matter what meal. The family would skype us just to see what she was eating sometimes. She never really liked mush, and the look of absolute disgust on her face when we first tried her on real food was a sight. Mia would watch me prepare her food, fascinated by the stove and its noises and smells, often pointing to ask me if her food was ready. Finally, her highchair tray would be a glorious rainbow - cheese was always a favourite ; green beans provided wonderful flags to wave around, and roasted sweet potato pieces would be shovelled straight in; cherry tomatoes were good to suck and then oh-so-casually dropped to the floor ; peas required delicate finger coordination and corn on the cob was voraciously consumed ; meat, chicken and fish disappeared as if by magic ; and a ricecake was always a winner... In fact, I don't think she really disliked anything.

Food was a total sensory experience for Mia. While much went into her mouth, equally important was the process of carefully storing morsels in her bib, rubbing it through her hair, or sharing a precious piece with us with a giggle. Leftovers, for I always made too much, were put into the fridge for the next time.

I miss having our fridge filled with Mia's little pots of happiness.

miasmummy your words truly paint a picture, I can see your little mischief, sitting in her chair shovelling the lovely food in (or not!). Love the "little pots of happiness" :)

^...I miss your ginger hair
and the way you liked to dress^

Baby girl. I have just remembered that this song was playing in the background when we sent your lantern of love into the sky...

I loved choosing what clothes to dress Mia in each day. I am not a pink fan at all, so she often wore greens, purples and oranges. My family would always tease me when they saw her in pink babygrows or pink outfits she was given. But she would look so cute in her stripy hoodie, or her little purple tutu skirt, or her leaf-green trousers.

Smiling children are always alluring, but Mia was a stand-out. Every time we went to the supermarket, it took twice as long as normal, as she would sit up in the trolley, alert and interested, singing and smiling, and waving at the other shoppers. It was a great new game for her. I think we would have to stop to chat at least six or seven times while they would touch her hair or hold her hand. It was a great way to meet people, and I liked to think that she cheered up the whole shopping experience for the people we encountered.

I still have her clothes, all neatly sorted, under her changing table. I wished they smelled of her.

She just sounds so utterly delicious Miasmummy. If you ever feel like sharing more photos of her in her lovely colours, please do - I think we'd all enjoy them.

Smiling at the thoughts of "pots of happiness" too. She makes me smile a lot, your daughter, and I didn't even meet her. Thank you for sharing more of her. xxx

Just added some more photos of Mia, hope you like them.

They're wonderful - she's got such a range of expressions - I love the 'I'm about to do something naughty' one best of all :)

I love that one too Flubba, also the "throwing a very confident leg forward one" with her walking trolley.

You've been so lucky (to have her) and so very unlucky too. Life is such a puzzle. I hope you continued to be buoyed by the love around you. There's a lot coming from us all here xxxx

She is so beautiful, and I can understand how people were drawn to her when you were out shopping. Your love for her shines through in everything you write x

What beautiful new photos. And you continue to write with such colour.

My heart aches for you. My DD (12) slept with me last night as she had earache and I couldn't help thinking of you as I snuggled into her warm back, and the pain you must feel constantly.

I hope that you find sharing your memories of Mia of some small help and solace.

Oh look at her stomping along on her slightly wobbly legs behind her brick cart!!

I love them all but especially the " all sweet & innocent" look as she was SURELY thinking up some mischief, bless her.

Thank you for sharing her loveliness with us, I too feel like we "know" her a little bit through her photos and your descriptions.

I'm so glad you all like the new photos. For the wobbly walk, we actually have videos too, and Mia struts along ever so proudly, with her tongue out to the side in concentration, and then she lets out a wonderful high-pitched squeal of delight as she reaches me.

I love her birthday cake photo too - that evening, Mia demolished a large piece of cake in about two minutes, shoving it into her mouth without saying a word. It was an impressive performance, to say the least! Then she proceeded to run her cakey, creamy fingers threw her hair and all over me.

Miasmummy, she's glorious. Like so many others, I am sobbing reading your thread. How can they be so here and so wonderful and then gone? It's incomprehensible. I just wanted to say that your thread touched my heart; your daughter is beautiful. I hope you can find your way to your future, with your love for Mia to guide you and DH.

Beautiful pictures of your beautiful girl. I love the cheekiness in her and you write so lovingly, that I can easily see how strangers were engaged by Mia. I echo other posters when they said you should write a book, I would buy it.

Such lovely pictures. Thank you for sharing more of them with us. My favourite is the one of her dressed in orange and looking up at the camera with that oh so engaging expression on her little face.

I am glad that your Christmas break was peaceful and glad, too, that coming home was not as hard as you perhaps feared. How jolly that Mia in her photo was waiting to wave hello to you.

I also agree with everyone who has said that one day you should think about writing a book if it is something you might enjoy doing or would, perhaps, be cathartic. You would certainly have a ready-made readership here on MN .

Love and strength to you, as ever.

Today was a little weird. It was a busy day, but it had a lot of Mia memories... Sad. It is incomprehensible that she is gone, but I feel her loss so keenly today, after a few days of calm. Cold sunny days like today are Mia days to me.

At the hairdressers, where she would sit on my lap and wiggle, and yet my lady always smiled ; doing our favourite walk in the winter sunshine with a friend whose son is Mia's age, just like she and I would do last year ; travelling up to London for a meeting, a journey which would double in time when I took Mia in the pram. All those activities had such a joyful complexity to them with Mia, now they feel too easy, and I have the feeling that my life is sliding back to what it was before Mia.

It sounds silly, but I keep Mia's little shaky egg in my handbag, and it travels everywhere with me. She would shake it with such enthusiasm, clutching and waving wildly. When I do it, it's just not the same.

Thanks to all your encouragement, I am really seriously considering writing a book about Mia. I have spoken to some friends in RL who have been very supportive, and have offered to introduce me to some useful contacts, and I am thinking about signing up for a writing course too.

Days like this are bound to come up & grab you, especially after a few "good" days I'm sure.

Keeping Mia's egg with you is not silly at all, it was part of her, a noisy favourite!

How exciting that you are considering a Mia Book!! As sariska said, I imagine it would be very cathartic and you'd certainly get a few customers from here! Something to think about maybe.

I've not read all the posts but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Such a terrible waste xXx

miasmummy just stopping by to say I am thinking of you - saw another of our desert sunsets today and thought of Mia. Much love xx

Thinking of you miasmummy. Yes write a book, share her with the world, you are a lovely, inspiritional lady, and most importantly you are Mia's mummy

I feel that Mia's life, and Mia's death, are two entirely separate events, with two totally different sets of emotions. My vibrant, alert and affectionate little girl with her crazy red hair and wonderful giggle will always make me smile. I equate how I feel when I think about Mia almost like how I would feel about Christmas or a birthday when I was young... You look back on that time, and you remember how fantastically happy you were, yet you know that you can't recapture it ever again, although it was amazing while it lasted.

The other side of things, well, I don't want to go there right now. Some very scary moments keep popping into my head, and threaten to overwhelm me. But I can't let it. I have to keep the beauty of Mia alive and rejoice in her.

Good thoughts now. Mia sitting on my lap, or more often standing, as we attended the local Songs and Rhymes session. It was in a huge group, and I was always sure that Mia was more interested in her shaky egg and looking at all the bigger, exciting children around her, than any of the actual songs or actions. So it was gratifying one day when our teacher told me at the end that she had looked over to our side of the room, and she saw Mia standing up on my lap facing her, with a huge smile, obviously happily participating in her own funny little way.

I have talked a lot about Mia's happy ways, yet when she was unhappy, there was no mild whimper. She would stand in her cot, yelling at the top of her voice, water streaming out of her eyes, nose and mouth - we always thought that this was a singularly impressive act. All noise and waterworks would magically stop once she was in my arms, and then she and I would have a little battle about the fact that it really was time for a nap... finally, she would settle, with her arms sprawled, her bunny tucked under her chin, and clutching her blanket. I could then watch her in fascination, this amazing little being who had captured my heart entirely.

:( and :) at the same time.

My heart still goes out for you and your DH. I can't even begin to imagine the pain.