My beautiful red-headed 13-month daughter died totally unexpectedly

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I have never posted on mumsnet before, while my beautiful Mia was alive, although I read all the advice often. So I feel a bit of a fraud now - I can't be her mummy anymore.

She died nearly four weeks ago now. We had the most beautiful, touching service, with our families from all over the world with us, and we have been so touched by all the love shown to us by friends, friends of family, friends of friends, and even people who we don't even know.

But I hurt so much. The pain returns afresh each day, overwhelming me, even though I am managing to get up, get out of the house, and function on a basic level.

Mia wasn't supposed to die. She was so happy, developing well, eating well, with no sign of illness. But she was, it turns out.

I am her mummy, and she spent so much time with me. How could I not know?? How can we go on and adapt to a life without her? Obviously, people manage somehow, but I keep fighting the fact that she is really gone, and we will never see her smile again, kiss her soft curls or hold her in our arms. It is so wrong.

I love reading your posts about Mia. I honestly feel like this is a little girl I knew now. She comes to life through your words in a very magical way that I think would translate beautifully in to a book. And what a lasting legacy for her that could go on and on through your family xx

Lovely memories.

How are you Whatever?

A friend, who had been previously too scared to speak to me about Mia, phoned today. She said she hadn't known what to say, but thought of me often. We had a lovely chat, and both ended up in tears, as I tried to explain that writing helps me distil my feelings... And she said something lovely - "We forget what's most important. You are helping us to remember."

But that isn't me - it's Mia. My Little Squeak smiling upon us all.

Hi Exit I'm 'okay' still having lots of wobbly days but getting there. I'm very nervously expecting again, early days though. Thank you for asking xx

Something amazing... yesterday, DH found a lantern at a playground 10 miles away, the very same playground which has been offered to us if we would like to rename it on behalf of Mia... and the wind position the night that we sent off Mia's lantern of love means that it was exactly the wind direction that her lantern flew...

And then this morning, he told me about a beautiful dream he had about Mia. In this dream, we had lost her for a while, but she came back, and he hugged her so tightly, glad she was safe in his arms, and he couldn't let her go. His little girl was home!! Mia was walking, and her beautiful red curls were a little lighter, and (most surprisingly), she wasn't as noisy as we remember, but he didn't care, he was deliriously happy to have her back. Of course.

If only...

I am glad for him. MY DH has been feeling her loss very keenly recently, and misses her so much. It turns out he won't read my MN posts, just in case he becomes too sad. I really hope that these two events help.

whatever - no apology needed!

awww that's lovely Miasmummy she was telling you it was Ok maybe?

Your DH's dream I hope brought him some comfort as well as the sadness when he woke up....

He sounds so lovely, I hope he can read this thread one day. I know it will make him sad in places but hopefully the posts will help him as I hope tey ave you.

Hugs to you both as ever x

The other day, a friend asked me if I felt Mia's presence. I have realised that yes, most of the time, I do, and I can feel her love. It keeps me warm inside, and happy, even if tears still trickle from my eyes.

Now, thinking on it further, maybe that's why I haven't dreamt of her very much. (other family members have had very powerful dreams of Mia, where she was walking in them, even though she wasn't quite there when she died). Anyway, I think she is truly with me during the day, and then at night, she is visiting others who love her...

That's a lovely way to think of your busy little girl Miasmummy, fitting all her loved ones in, leaving no one out, but keeping Mummy company all day long. I glad you feel her so strongly and I hope that the dream DH had has brought him some peace.

How are his plans for Mia's Wood coming along? x

it's been a very hard day today. It's stupid that going to the gym with my DH should make me sad... but it wasn't possible with Mia. Not that either of us minded then.

We also finally took down her cot and changing table today. The bedroom feels enormous, a big hole which draws the eye.

I put all her favourite bedtime books away too. Very hard. Along with her Very Hungry Caterpillar book, where Mia would love to touch the holes with her little fingers, she would enjoy putting her hand through the hole in her Bellybutton book, or giggle when I would put it up to my eye, as she was beginning to understand perspective. There there was Yellow Worm, who was tired, which I would read in different voices and play with the hand puppet - she did love touching him. I loved reading her Ten Little Fingers, Ten Little Toes, as it had red-headed babies, and my favourite line was

^The next baby born was truly divine,
A sweet little child, mine all mine^

Mia darling, you are always mine. Forever. I want you back, little girl.

Oh Miasmummy that's set me off. How incredibly hard it must have been to pack her things away. Oh lovely I wish I could give you a big hug xx

We still have other things around the house, but it was so - final. Which is exactly what it is, I guess. Mia would be 16 months old today. She should be 16 months old today. And she's not.

miasmummy I have reading this with tears streaming, I so wish I could make it better for you and DH. It's so unfair that you have lost your darling girl. Mia sounds like an amazing wee girl, she shines through in your posts. Thank you for sharing her with us x

We never spent a night away from Mia. I am so glad about that. She always slept in our room, wherever we were, many night ending up in our bed by the morning. Neither of us felt it was an onerous duty - we loved seeing her sleeping so peacefully when we came to bed, and have her crawling all over us in the morning. We meant to put Mia in her own room, but it never quite happened as it was a distance away and she would often wake during the night, and the house is cold(!)... a decision I will never regret.

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. Do think about speaking to a good clinical psychologist or counsellor - this could give you the opportunity to start to process the pain and hurt you are experiencing and questions you are asking. Do take care of yourself xxxx

dubai you asked about Mia's Wood. Surprisingly, the issue is finding land which has public access and which people are willing to sell, even though we have lots of local support in our area. We remain hopeful, though, and are thinking about leafletting, or even putting our land request to the local paper to ask more widely.

The job for this week is to register a charity for Mia's Wood, and then buy the website domain name and get all that sorted. Once I am given a tax file number, then people can officially donate tree money to the wood.

In the meantime, my parents are working with a iris supplier so they can bring the beautiful little winter flowering "Mia" iris into the country - it isn't available here anywhere. I love the thought of having little purple and yellow Mias gleaming in the garden, and hopefully, soon in her wood too...

I haven't read the whole thread as i got to the end of the 2nd page and am crying so much i can not read on.
I am so so sorry you are going through this.
I can not dream of being without any of my dc and to have lost Mia so quickly it's unbearable.

My heart goes out to you and your family xxxx

Good idea regarding the local paper Mia'smummy you may find a local farmer/landowner prepared to sell to something like this charity rather than someone who might turn it into a business/develop on it.

If I was a farmer I'd love to have Mia's wood bordering my land.

Also from the fundraising for trees point of view, lots of people,I'm sure, would love to help just to show their respects to you for you loss. There could be a whole corner of MN trees, so many of us would love to help!

Miasmummy my brother and husband were looking into buying some woodland a couple of years ago (not for any reason as lovely as yours, just because they are both obsessed with Ray Mears!)...I remember a website with lots of woodland spots for sale - I'll ask them about it. Daresay your DH has already covered that ground but it might be worth a try.

I'm sorry you've had some tough days putting Mia's things away. Sending you love and light as before xxx

dubai and bossy glad to hear your encouraging words about Mia's Wood. A couple of steps forward on that front - bought the domain name today, and moving forward on setting up the charity too. A MN stand of beautiful trees would be lovely!!

We have been thinking about future fundraising too, as we feel strongly that we want to give something back to people who support Mia's Wood. One idea is to link with companies wanting to reduce their carbon footprint, as we want the wood to be an enduring legacy - and a nice tie to our own sustainability beliefs.

I know that there are some very community-minded people out there. Last night we attended a local quiz night, which is run every week in the same place by three people who set and run the quiz for a minimal fee, and there are always plenty of quizzers who attend. They then offer the evening to any local charity as 'their night' and the charity can fundraise with raffles or whatever during the evening. We went along to support a charity which helps bereaved parents, run by a very strong couple. Every week throughout the year, these people do this quiz night, without fail, without praise, without complaint. So very admirable. Just wish the charity wasn't needed...

Mias love the idea of the iris. One of the ladies here found a rose called Lady Sylvia which was perfect but they couldn't ship it to Ireland. Peachy paypalled me the money for it and I found a company that would ship it. I have it in a pot in the garden waiting for its proper bed. I will give a tree for Mia's wood as well so let me know when you have a place for it.

chip a Sylvia rose for your Sylvie-Rose. Perfect. Another kind MNer in Peachy too.

DH and I have both been very upset tonight, especially him. We just don't know how Mia became so sick. She had no ostensible signs of illness until everything went so wrong that terrible evening, and even then, we only found out the problems afterwards. What worries him most is that we were doing the best we could for Mia, doing normal things, doing everything we were told we should, anything a normal parent would do ... yet she died. She had a terrible infection in her heart, and we simply had no idea. So how can we know to do anything different in the future? This absolutely terrifies him, as he needs these answers, yet I am not sure that we will ever find out. Especially if we ever have another child, how can we be assured it wouldn't happen again? Also, as I was always with Mia 24 hours a day, if we did find out more, it will turn out to be something I inadvertently did, or something I exposed Mia to... yes, horrible bad luck too, but if there is anything we can do differently or change, we want to know, if this is at all possible.

Oh Miasmummy and Miasdaddy that must be one of the worst things out of all bad things, not knowing what it was that made that little heart, so full of love, stop beating.

I can see it would be helpful for you to be able to understand what happened, what went wrong (if anything) and if it is something that can be prevented.

Would it be too upsetting for you to ask to see the paediatric consultant for a chat at some point? I'm sure they'd make time, not in a clinic when they're rushed but to talk through the events leading to Mia's death and any theories they have.

It may well be one of those awful, awful unexplained tragedies, but at least you'll have asked the questions.

Big hugs to you both on this particularly sad night.

Mias, you are having the what-ifs ( Oh, how well I know them!) and also you have lost that sense of nonchalance that comes with normal parenting. You did nothing wrong, you couldn't have known and you know the chances of it happening are so very slim that I would bet my house it wouldn't happen to Mia's brother or sister. to you and dh.