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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Was this insensitive or am I too sensitive?

13 replies

pink84 · 10/10/2011 14:56

I attended a friends wedding on Saturday approx 6 months after I lost my my mum. I am one of 4 friends of the bride who all know each other. Two of these 4 were bridesmaids so were sat on top table. Each of these friends had their mum with them who sat on my table. The other friends mum was also invited but she didn't attend.
Although I was fine on the day afterwards I did think this a little odd.

OP posts:

DooinMeCleanin · 10/10/2011 14:58

Did the mums know the bride? I wouldn't think it odd if my mum was invited to one of my friends weddings as she knows them. Equally I would invite the parents of a couple of my closest friends as I know them.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. That be must so hard.

lilyliz · 11/10/2011 20:54

I take it as these were your friends mums you knew them,maybe they wouldn't have known many people there and it was done to make them feel comfortable rather than be with strangers.

Original poster

pink84 · 12/10/2011 09:50

Yes I did know 2 of them so it did make sense to put them on my table. I just thought it a little weird to invite them in the 1st place. However, I suppose thats partly because I come from a big family so we wouldn't have been able to invite parents of friends to our wedding.

OP posts:

LadyWord · 12/10/2011 09:58

I don't think you're too sensitive, it must have been hard. But it might have been meant kindly, or just something the bride/whoever organised it did hastily and unintentionally in the middle of all the wedding plans.

Sorry you lost your mum.

wannaBe · 12/10/2011 10:03

I do think you're being a little over sensitive, tbh.

People invite mums of friends to weddings all the time ime you can't expect friends' mothers not to be on the same table as you just because yours is no longer there.

ragged · 12/10/2011 10:09

I'm sorry to hear that the loss of your mother still bothers you this much.

LadyWord · 12/10/2011 10:12

ragged it's only ben 6 months.

ragged · 12/10/2011 12:15

I'm not criticising, LadyWord, just expressing sympathy. Your feelings are your feelings & you're entitled to them. Perhaps you sound like you've taken it harder than many might.

My mother suddenly died 8 years ago, age 63, but I seemed to have been the only person who had fully anticipated it, and we never got along well, anyway, so it wasn't like I lost a friend or source of support as well as a mother. It's a very individual experience, I'm sure.

breatheslowly · 12/10/2011 13:24

Ragged - even if you didn't mean it, that sounded really insensitive. I think the majority of people would still be bothered after 6 months.

OP I don't think that it was insensitive of the bride to have the other friends' mothers and sit them with you. I had some friends' parents at our wedding as they had meant a lot to me while I was growing up and they are friends of my parents too. I think that people are generally sat with people they know at weddings (the only time we weren't I really thought it was a mistake). So it seems reasonable to me to have put them with you.

ragged · 12/10/2011 14:22

I don't know what I said that is deemed so terribly insensitive.

OP sounds extra-sensitive (I think most replies concur); I said I didn't blame her for that in any way.

NappyShedSal · 17/10/2011 00:38

Ragged - I think it was probably the use of the word "still" in your reply. It is only 6 months - that is not a long time at all to "still" be grieving.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 17/10/2011 03:47

Frankly, ragged, to suggest there is anything amiss in the OP being "still bothered" () by her mum passing 6m previously is grossly insensitive. Way more so than the bride mentioned in the OP.
You may not have got on with your mum but that's no excuse to have that kind of blasé attitude to others' grief.

OP - when I got married, I did invite one friend's parents - because I had known them ever since I met that friend when we were 4 - a long time! If your bride friend was in a similar position and had known these mums a long time, then I think it's fair enough that she invited them; since you knew them too, it would have made sense for her to put them on your table. It might have been nice if she'd mentioned it to you but tbh, with all the wedding stuff going on, it probably didn't occur to her.

So - perhaps a little thoughtless rather than insensitive - I'm sure she wouldn't have meant to hurt your feelings.

Original poster

pink84 · 17/10/2011 16:56

Thank you for your replies.
I understand that everyone is different when it comes to bereavement. I do appreciate that I was very fortunate to have such a good relationship with my mum. Especially so as I lost my father quite a long time ago.
I can see that my friends wouldn't have meant to hurt my feelings.

OP posts:

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