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Original poster

Oh no: my stepmum doesn't want my dc at my ddad's funeral

63 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 11:53

She hasn't said they cannot come, but she really doesn't want them there. She says she won't be able to stand it if she sees them being deeply upset.

I am not sure what to do now. I wanted them to come. I didn't want them left out of this really big thing in me and dh's life. They loved their grandpa. Besides, who could I ask to look after them both all day? No other family nearby.

I want to respect her wishes as its her husband's funeral. But then he was my father too. Oh dear.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 09/05/2011 11:54

How old are they?

mumblechum1 · 09/05/2011 11:55

And I'm very sorry for your loss

bigbuttons · 09/05/2011 11:56

Your father their grandfather, of course they should be able to go. Your sm should respect your needs.

CaroBeaner · 09/05/2011 11:57

Oh, no, how difficult and sad.

Can you tell her that whether they are there or not, they are very sad because they loved him just as she does, and it will HELP them feel less sad in the long term if they are there with thier family to say goodbye?

Is her unwillingness genuine - not based in any bitterness or resentment concerning biological gc or similiar?

How old are they?

I'm not sure children do become demonsstrably upset at funerals in particular.

CaroBeaner · 09/05/2011 11:58

And so sorry about your father.

ChishAndFips · 09/05/2011 11:59

Sorry for your loss :(. Difficult situation for both of you, but I think if you feel they will cope alright, I would just say, very politely, that they want to say goodbye too and they have every right to do so. This sounds a bit harsh but I don't see why they shouldn't go because she won't cope with seeing them upset...that's her problem, doesn't mean your DC shouldn't be allowed to express their upset.

juneau · 09/05/2011 12:04

I think she's being selfish and unreasonable to put this pressure on you. I don't know how old your children are, but they have a right to be at their grandad's funeral. After all, they are blood relatives of his, unlike her! If you want them to go, think they will cope okay, and they want to say goodbye, it's not up to her to make that decision for you.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 12:09

Try again (I've tried to post this twice, so third time lucky):

The dc are 10 and 7. I'm not sure who she thinks will look after the kids all day if they are not at the funeral. The funeral and wake are 2 hours drive away from where we live. We have no other family nearby for them to go to.

Although my dad had five children (three with stepmum) these are his only grandchildren.

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 09/05/2011 12:12

I think that your children are at an age where they can understand loss and going to the funeral would probably help them say goodbye to your Dad and their Grandfather.

I hope your SM can understand this. If not, are there any good friends or school parents who would have the children for you? As a planB

And so sorry for your loss bibbity

KeepCalmAndCurryOn · 09/05/2011 12:14

So long as they are in a pew behind her, she will not see them being upset during the service.

Eglu · 09/05/2011 12:14

Could you have your children at the bakc so your SM won't see them during the service and then she won't see if they get upset. That may help her.

StayFr0sty · 09/05/2011 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsravelstein · 09/05/2011 12:17

sorry about your dad.

at 10 and 7 your children are, in my opinion, old enough to go to the funeral if they are comfortable with it and want to say goodbye. it seems to get more difficult when there are 'step' families involved - we had various awkward conversations last year when my dear FIL died, as his (also very nice) longterm partner had strong views about which children should and shouldn't go and who should walk where in the procession into church etc - in the end dh took the view that it's his father and his children and therefore he ought to do what felt right to him/me. in the end the emotion of the day was such that honestly i really don't think FIL's partner even noticed any of the things she had been worrying about.

BecauseImWorthIt · 09/05/2011 12:17

Take them bibbity. She will have a lot more to worry about than if your children are upset on the day.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's important for you and, I think, for your children to be able to pay their respects to their grandfather.

TanteRose · 09/05/2011 12:17

But they are ALLOWED to get upset - that is how we grieve and how we start to deal with the loss.

So sorry about your DDad, bibbity. Sad

CaroBeaner · 09/05/2011 12:18

How close are you to your SMum, Bibbity?

This isn't just a childcare issue, though, is it?

Do YOU want your children there with you? I imagine you do.

throckenholt · 09/05/2011 12:18

I think they are old enough to go. And they can sit at the back and DH can take them out if they get upset.

BibiThree · 09/05/2011 12:19

So sorry to hear this bibbity Sad
I'd take them if they want to go. Regardless of step mother's feelings, they have as much right to grieve and say goodbye as she does and if it will help them, then I don't see how you can take that away from them.

I firmly believe funerals are an important part in the grieving process and hate that I was kept out of family ones as a child so as not to upset me.

I'm sure if you explain to her they they need this, she will understand.

warthog · 09/05/2011 12:22

sorry Sad

but i would take them and explain that they need to say goodbye. but i'd also ask them if they want to go. if they don't, perhaps your dh could stay with them?

my gran died when i was 9 and i didn't want to go to the funeral. i went to a friend's for the day.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 09/05/2011 12:23

So sorry for your loss....

I think you should say nothing and take them anyway.

People say and do things in the midst of grief which they may not mean or have thought about.

TheOriginalFAB · 09/05/2011 12:23

I am sorry for your loss Sad.

This might sound wrong but I think being blood trumps being a second wife and your children should be there if they want to be. Children were not allowed at a recent family funeral so that meant I couldn't go wither and I felt it should have been the parents decision tbh.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 12:38

The children want to go. Of course they will cry and see me and dh crying and everybody else for that matter.

I don't think it would be right for dh to stay at home and look the dc. Who would support me? Besides he loved my dad and knew him for 20 years.

Sigh.

I think we have to go and stepmum will hopefully get some comfort out of them being around later in the day.

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 09/05/2011 12:39

So sorry about your loss. I really,really think they should go. It is their grandad and the funeral is part of the grieving process.

I would just ignore your StepMum and take them. As someone says - blood trumps marriage (if you have to count it) and it is not her ceremony but your father's.

My mu thought I was too young at 6 to go to my grandmother's funeral. She says she has always regretted not taking me as I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Seeing that other people are upset and grieving should actually help your DCs see that those feelings are normal and it is okay to be sad.
I hope you sort this out.

TheOriginalFAB · 09/05/2011 12:43

"Who would support me?"

The children have to go just for that.

supadupacreameggscupa · 09/05/2011 12:46

definitely take them to the service. Is it an adult only wake? If so you could take them for meal somewhere else?

SM is unlikely to argue if other relatives are on your side so perhaps you could rally support from other family members?