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Original poster

Oh no: my stepmum doesn't want my dc at my ddad's funeral

63 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 11:53

She hasn't said they cannot come, but she really doesn't want them there. She says she won't be able to stand it if she sees them being deeply upset.

I am not sure what to do now. I wanted them to come. I didn't want them left out of this really big thing in me and dh's life. They loved their grandpa. Besides, who could I ask to look after them both all day? No other family nearby.

I want to respect her wishes as its her husband's funeral. But then he was my father too. Oh dear.

OP posts:
BibiThree · 09/05/2011 12:48

I agree with bonzo, seeing grief and emotions can be upsetting for children, but also very helpful to see that other people feel the way they do.

I hope you all find a lot of comfort in each other on the day.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2011 12:49

Bibb,

How horrible for you. Is she prepared to talk about it do you think?
It may have been a knee jerk response iyswim

When is it?

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 12:55

Thanks all.

We are not arguing about it - I was just surprised to hear her pov when I spoke to her on the phone this morning. She was complaining about one of my cousins bringing her children (I guess she doesn't have anyone to look after her kids either) and I said well mine will be coming with me and she just said that she hadn't thought I would. And that she didn't take her kids to her dad's funeral or my dad's mum's funeral either (when they would have been about the same age). Then she said "I just couldn't stand to see them devastated". So it is a bit "all about her" ykwim.

Paggy - its Thursday, woodland burial, near your neck of the woods, lovely part of the country Smile.

OP posts:
wonka · 09/05/2011 12:57

We lost my dad when my younger sisters were 6 8 and 11, it was really important to them they were at the funeral, I would ask the children what they need to do to say goodbye, if they want/ need to go to the funeral you need to do what is best for them.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2011 13:05

She does sound like she is focussing on herself entirely.
Just take them. She won't notice much on the day.
She may well realise that they are part of the process when it comes to it. Ds1 was 10 when we buried my dad. He needed to be there and ended up helping my mum.
If you get really stuck though pm me. They could always come here for the service if it is close enough.
Although I suspect the last thing they would need on the day is an odd ageing woman and a smelly dog Smile

Funerals are always about disagreements and problems. People just sub consciously try to distract themselves. It is easier to argue and feel cross than feel how sad you are I think

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/05/2011 17:29

You should take them. At that age I would imagine that they would want to go.

SauvignonBlanche · 09/05/2011 17:31

Take them, hope it goes well.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 18:33

Oh bless you Paggy. They wouldn't be freaked by meeting you at all - they are used to spending their time with a dear Mama who is as you know a woman in the same age group [albeit crucially a year and a bit younger Wink].

I am so bloody wrong-footed now! I feel like having the children there is wrong because it will bother stepmum and I don't want to cause stress to anyone on the day of my dad's funeral!

Have had a horrible day Sad. Feel there is another layer of worry on stress on me. We will all go, I have told the children they are going so am not going to change my mind on that but ... jeez.

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 09/05/2011 19:12

Come the day I bet your SM doesn't even notice your kids, whether they get upset or not. Of course they must go if that is what they want, and they are right to want to go.

Try not to think about it (I know, easier said than done) but I bet it comes to nothing.

(have an un-MNetty hug)

JustCallMeGrouchy · 09/05/2011 19:15

i took all 4 of my dc to my dads funeral and my nan and grandad was worried about them getitng upset not so much my mum , but my nan later having them their helped

Bucharest · 09/05/2011 19:27

Sorry your Dad went so quickly Bibbity, and sorry too that you have this additional stress.

I'd take them. They will help you and that's what's important.He was your Dad as well as her husband.

Hope you can sort it out amicably and she manages to understand x

Inertia · 09/05/2011 19:29

Bibbity, I'm sorry about your Dad.

I'd imagine your SM will be so busy coping with her own grief, other distressed family members (grown ups cry at funerals too ) and the arrangements for the day that she is unlikely to be caused any further distress by your children crying. Is it possible that she feels so overwhelmed that she's looking for problems where none exist? or is she worried about disruption to the service?

If you think your children can cope, and they want to go, of course they should be able to say their goodbyes. Being children does not make their own feelings or wishes invalid.

JaxTellersOldLady · 09/05/2011 19:30

When my Uncle died a few years ago my cousin brought his DD with him as there was nobody to look after her. She was only 6 and it actually helped everyone as although the little one was a bit sad, she also helped to raise everyones spirits as the day went on.

Take your children Bibbity and try hard not to worry about your SM. She wont be bothered on the day. She probably wont notice much.

activate · 09/05/2011 19:35

I think they should be there

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 19:39

So nice of you all to post Smile.

I just assumed, as my dc are not babies and therefore not likely to do anything inappropriate during the ceremony (such as it is, we are not having a regligious thing, just a woodland burial with only family invited) that they would be welcome. They are a vital part of the family, being my ddad's only grandchildren. I know they will cry, they will cry copiously and dramatically. They did when I told them about a fortnight ago that grandpa wasn't going to get better and would die soon. We all cried and had a cuddle and comforted each other. Is that bad? My dstepmum loves my dc to bits, of that I have no doubt, but we don't see eye to eye on this.

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 09/05/2011 19:55

Playing devils advocate now...

Bibbity, she is probably from a different generation - where children didnt go to funerals. I assume (dont know for sure) that my Mum would feel the same as your stepmum, but wouldnt stop me from taking the children to their granddads funeral. It isnt really 'the done thing' from that generation is it?

It isnt a particularly nice thing for them and I do remember in extreme detail the first funeral I ever went to and I was 13. I was determined to go, very very glad that I did and dont regret it at all, but it was traumatic.

Not trying to scare you or worry you, just trying to give you a childs pov.

Whatever you choose, it will all be fine on the day. It is your Fathers memory you are honouring and I am sure the children will be a comfort to everyone there.

Ragwort · 09/05/2011 20:01

I totally agree with Jax that it is a generation thing - my DH lost his own dad when he was 13 and in those days (early 70s) children did not tend to go to funerals; my DH has always found that really hard to accept. Sad. Your DSM probably hasn't thought it through.

Katisha · 09/05/2011 20:05

Can you talk to her and explain how it is important to you to all be there as a family? And tell her not to worry about the DCs being upset - that it's all part of life and not something you can protect children from all the time?

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 09/05/2011 20:05

Oh no! A 13 year old kept away from his own father's funeral Shock. How awful.

Surely it cannot be worse to weep and grieve and feel terrible sadness at a funeral than to always wonder what happened while you weren't there? I feel for your dh Ragwort.

OP posts:
stripeybumpsmum · 09/05/2011 20:08

You are the expert of your children and you know better than anyone what they will be able to cope with.

I do think you should have an honest discussion with them about what will happen and how people will react so they are prepared. It sounds as though you've already prepared them.

FWIW, I've just been to my aunt's funeral (cancer, quite young). I choose not to take my DD (who also has cancer) to the funeral itself but did take her afterwards. Many people commented on the day, and afterwards that having children there does help. However hurt you are, there is some comfort in a sort of natural order of things, IYSWIM? And the funeral should be about mourning and celebrating the life: and all the relationships that entailed, including being a grandfather.

cocolepew · 09/05/2011 20:10

So sorry bibbity.

bigTillyMint · 09/05/2011 20:19

Bibbity, I agree with the other posters who are saying take them. Sad though it obviously is for your Step mother, it is not just her loss, it is a loss for everyone who was close to him and everyone needs the chance to attend the funeral as part of the grieving process.

I think it could be to do with her age. - maybe it wasn't the "done" thing in her day. My mother didn't want me (at 21!!!!) to go to my most completely beloved aunts funeral because she thought it would be too upsetting for me. Never mind that my aunts own DC were younger than me.

I'm sure she will be busy enough with all the other guests to focus so closely on your DC.

BTW, the funeral arrangements sound lovely.

HannahHack · 09/05/2011 20:21

@bibbity If it helps my mother was a bit like this when my grandfather (her father) died last year.

She was so wrapped up with making sure the funeral was how she wanted it that she tried to ban her cousins (there are 18 of them to be fair) from attending the burial after the service as she felt it wouldn't be intimate enough. She was eventually talked round when we said how awful it would be for us if we couldn't attend (god forbid) one of our uncle's burial.

Perhaps you could ask her how she would have felt if she hadn't been able to attend the funeral of an elderly reletive she knew?

Plus on the day she relaxed a bit and was really happy about the fact that loads (170) people turned up in the end.

She also didn't want any children to attend the service. As it happened none did, but this is a completely normal reaction by your stepmum I am afraid.

Hope it gets better.

CaroBeaner · 09/05/2011 20:22

A woodland burial will be lovely.

It does sound as if your SMum is just 'caught on the hop' not really understanding the thinking behind including the children.

Don't worry about it, just think about your Dad.

A friend of mine lost her DH and her own parents were so scandalised that she was planning to take the children to the funeral that they treatened not to come themselves. Her parents said it would 'upset them' (the children). I was there when on the morning of the funeral she screamed down the phone "they ARE upset, their father is dead, what could possibly be any MORE upsetting than THAT?".

Of course the children will be upset - but better upset and included than upset and left forever out.

onadietcokebreak · 09/05/2011 20:33

So sorry for you losses

I can understand how you both feel. She is possibly of the age where children didnt go to funerals yet you understand the need as it part of the grieving process.

I hope you can come to an agreement where the children can go and it can be beneficial.

Do try to prepare the children though- I remember being at my granddads funeral age 16 and finding it awful. It was the first and only time I ever saw my Mum break down (really howl). My sister and I found this really distressing. I think you need to be aware of the impact this may have the children and try and explain how people show grief in many different ways. My step nan on the other hand was very controlled and showed little emotion.