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Bereavement

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Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
Sexonlegs · 26/12/2011 08:49

Morning :)

Hope everyone got through yesterday without too much sadness.

I actually felt better than I thought I would; Dad was over and we both had a drink and relaxed and enjoyed the day.

Not so happy at bloody dh who did bugger all, and has now gone off cycling leaving me to empty the dishwasher for the 4th time in 24 hours, feed the cats and sort out 2 bickering children. Not much I know, but literally he did nothing yesterday, so I hoped for more today. Grrrr.

Sorry for the rant.
x

elkiedee · 26/12/2011 22:44

Hi, I came here to look for sexonlegs as I've been thinking of you and your mum over the last few weeks. Glad you and your dad were able to enjoy the day a bit.

Flimflammery · 27/12/2011 13:14

Christmas is over and I'm feeling really bleak, and I've just realised it's not because of x, y or z problem in my life, but just because I miss my mum, who died in November of last year, and I wish I could have been there when she needed me, and remembering how painful it was to say goodbye to her the last time I saw her conscious in hospital. She told me to go, bless her.

OberonTheHopeful · 27/12/2011 16:13

Another gate crasher. This has been my second Christmas without my dad and it's been difficult. Especially as he loved Christmas so much, he always made it special.

I stayed with a close friend this year and although she did a brilliant job I still really missed him.

I haven't had a great time since he died for lots of reasons, and so often I've caught myself thinking that I just want my dad.

Best wishes to everyone here.

madsam · 27/12/2011 19:02

Well I survived Christmas just. Spent most of it with in-laws but it not the same as having your own parents. Also doesn't help when bil jokes after his mum was a little embarassing "well at least your mum can't do that"
Also had an emotional day with my siblings today.

mummylin2495 · 27/12/2011 21:28

I also survived xmas and i too found it was not as bad as i feared.I did have a few tears when i left the cemetery but i perked up and managed to enjoy the day.It helped that i was surrounded by my family.It also helped that i didnt have to do any cooking as i went to my sons.But yesterday i did a cold meal in the evening for 13 and that was also ok.Mum was mentioned a lot in different conversations and strangely that helped too.

Sexonlegs · 27/12/2011 21:38

Elkie, how lovely of you to look out for me. Thank you :) x

I am sorry some had a rough time of it, and hoping things are a bit brighter today. New Years Eve is the 1st anniversary of Mum passing, and again, not a day I am looking forward to. We have plans to go to friends in the evening; just not sure what company I'll be; we shall see.

Love to everyone. x

mummylin2495 · 29/12/2011 22:40

Sexonlegs i found the thought of getting through xmas day more distressing than it actually was , i hope it will be similar for you ,im sure it will help to have your friends around you. I was adamant that i would not be going out on new years eve but my ds is having a party at his house so i may change my mind.I will see how i feel.I hope you have a pleasant time with your friends and that its not too upsetting for you.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 11:07

Today i am feeling worse than i did on xmas day.I have not decided wether to go out tonight yet ,but i am about 90% sure i will stay home.Usually i phone my mum at midnight and then she would go to bed.I wish i could phone her tonight Sad i also have to face up to the fact we have to clear mums house and make a good start on it this coming week.It is so awful to think we have to go through all her personal things.My brothers look at it in a different way,they are more practical whereas i am too sentimental and will want to keep so much.I hope that you will all have a much happier new year.

Sexonlegs · 31/12/2011 16:09

Hello.

Feel utterly down and cannot stop crying. Everything from this time last year is so vivid.

My heart aches so bad.

aristocat · 31/12/2011 16:14

mummylin I would say keep as many things from your mom that you are able to, personally I have boxes and boxes of things from my parents home in my loft. They recently made me cry when I looked through them but have been there almost 12 yes & I can't imagine ever getting rid of everything. I also still have mom & dads ashes - but that's another discussion Smile

Clearing the house is such a difficult job.....I did it without my brothers help simply because he is worse than useless! Good job my DH is a star.

Try not to be so sad this evening, NYE has lost it's magic a long time ago. Light candle/say a prayer/toast a glass or two at 12.00 and think of your mom and the good times.

It is also my birthday tomorrow, wishing everyone a happy 2012 on our thread Smile

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 17:42

Sexonlegs i too am feeling the same,it seems so much worse today for s
some reason.You have my utmost sympathy.Its shit isnt it.
aristocat i know already there is going to be lots of things i am going to keep,even mums potatoe knife !! Mum has about 6 huge tubs of wool which has been her passion.i intend to keep some of it and donate the rest to a childrens hospice shop which i know mum would be happy with.Then there is all her neeedles and crochet hooks which i am going to keep.And that is just the start of it.I have made my mind up about going out and have decided i am staying in .For the past 8 weeks i have tried to put a brave face on things,tonight i want to sit and reflect on my own and not have to do that.The tears are very close today for me.I hope we can all move on a bit in the following months and regain a semblence of normality and happiness.

elkiedee · 31/12/2011 18:53

It seems so hard to lose your parents any time, but even more at times when everyone else is celebrating and partying. I'm just visiting here (my mum was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer and treated in February 2010, then again in winter/spring this year). So I'm not bereaved yet, but very conscious of that possibility.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 21:11

yes you are right ,it just seems that everyone around you is happy,and we are in such pain. I could not muster up the enthusiasm to go out and finally the tears have come.My dh wanted to stay in with me ,but to be honest i just want to be alone,and besides i know how much dh loves going out on NYE. I dont want to spoil his fun.In a way i dont want to say goodbye to 2010 cause that is when i last saw my mum.Does that make sense ? I have not been too bad over the holiday but today it all seems to of caught up with me. I miss my mum so much,and especially at the moment.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 21:13

elkiedee i hope you will have your mum for a long time to come yet.I wish her well

MrsJangleBalls · 31/12/2011 21:23

It's ten years ago tonight that my Dad died. New Years Eve has never been the same since but I like to think he's up there supping his pint, preferably with my Mum on the white wine and also his closest friend who bizarrely died a few months after him.

mummylin2495 · 31/12/2011 21:52

they are probably having a little party up there and keeping an eye on you !!!

TheFarSide · 31/12/2011 23:34

Well, here's to us all on New Year's Eve Wine. It has helped me to hear your stories and know I'm not alone.

mummylin2495 · 01/01/2012 16:02

For me ,last night was awful,i could not stop crying and i am glad i made the decision not to go out.I hope that some good times are ahead for all of us in this new year.

TheFarSide · 01/01/2012 16:16

Sorry to hear you had a bad night mummylin. It's an emotional time of the year at the best of times, let alone after a significant bereavement. Last night was hard for me too, but a lot of it was to do with worrying about my dad and brother who have been hit hard by my mum's death. I miss her because they are both difficult men and she knew how to handle them, and I could do with her advice and support right now.

mummylin2495 · 02/01/2012 14:08

Tomorrow is the day we will actually do something at mums house,i keep putting it off ,but deep down i know it has to be done at some point,as the house has to be sold.I am not looking forward to it at all.luckily my aunt has already been round and taken mums clothes,which is a big help.There are certain things which i have to keep so they dont go from mums side of the family ,like letters from my grandparents etc. But first we have to find all these things ,mums is like an alladins cave so many things everywhere.

TheFarSide · 02/01/2012 18:00

Mummylin - I sorted out some of my mum's things over Xmas. It was still a bit painful but also strangely comforting as it made her seem very close. I felt as if she was there with us, as if looking at her things and thinking about her brought her back for a while. There were lots of photos of happy times. I hope it goes OK with you tomorrow.

mummylin2495 · 03/01/2012 16:12

well the sorting has started,i already have 7 large containers of stuff and its only day 1 ! there are things like her mothers days cards she had kept and i just could not bear to throw them out so i have them here now ! had a bit of a shock when i opened the wardrobe,there were still some of mums clothes that my aunty must of missed, but my brother gallantly stepped in to pack them away.A man came from the heart foundation to see what furniture they would be able to take, thats another day i wont want to be there.My mums xmas cactus was in full bloom so i have bought that home because another brother asked if he could have it,We are saying that anyone in the family can have anything they want. Still at least we have done something ,we can go again tomorrow as i have some more stuff to bring here.Didnt think we would be starting this year doing this awful task Sad

leaky · 07/01/2012 19:18

Just wanted to say hi to you all & sorry to each of you for your loss. My lovely mum died on 14th December 2011. It was a huge shock even though she was in hospital. I know I can't talk to her for the next few days & wks, but to think that I can't talk to her forever is such a hard thing. Mum lived in Spain too so I only had few days around her funeral to look at things I'd like to keep. That was very hard as I'd only been out there a wk earlier just visiting with my DD aged 2.

TheFarSide · 07/01/2012 23:24

Hi leaky - very sorry to hear about your mum.