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Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
t0lk13n · 01/10/2011 15:17

xxxxxxxxxxx to all. I just cant get my head around it all! Six weeks ago my dad was not well but alive. Six weeks tomorrow he died. Unreal. Mum is doing good as her sister is home from abroad and is going out and about with her and her cousin both are widows.
Hugs to all who are contributing to this sad thread xxxx

WhoresHairKnickers · 01/10/2011 22:51

Right back at you t0lk13n. 6 weeks and everything is so raw, new and probably still feels unreal to you. ((hugs)) to you. Sorry; I usually write a bit in response, but I'm actually feeling very emotional atm and really could do with a hug myself.

t0lk13n · 04/10/2011 20:32

((((((((((((((WHORESHAIRKNICKERS)))))))))))))))))))))))X
X

Friendlymum67 · 04/10/2011 21:03

t0lk13n - I really feel for you - tho we knew my dad's condition was life limiting, my dad died suddenly whilst in hospital for a 'routine' chest infection. We just didn't expect it then and it was made all the worse by the fact that the nurse in charge neglected him, which ultimately meant we weren't informed in time to get to to the hospital to be with him .............. (it was horrendous to discover the way he was treated and then the prolonged fight to get the nurse concerned struck off ..... it's still hard for me to cope with ...)

6 weeks is nothing - Your grief will be so raw still. There are no words that really help but don't be hard on yourself, take each day as it comes.

I haven't been on this thread for a while but hugs for everyone - am thinking of you all x x

Sexonlegs · 05/10/2011 16:59

Hello all.

I agree, I will never ever get over losing Mum, but you just learn to live with it. I don't think I will ever be the same again :(

So sorry to hear how everyone is feeling.

Hugs to Solo. xx

Sal, I hope the first anniversary was manageable. I have that to come - on New Years Eve. Have never been fond of NYE, and now it is made worse; but at least I will never forget.

t0lk13n · 06/10/2011 22:28

My dad died the day before my birthday. Because my twin lives away she was sent a card from mum and dad....mine is still on the shelf in my parents` kitchen unwritten :(

WhoresHairKnickers · 06/10/2011 22:37

T0lk13n :( that is so sad.x

t0lk13n · 06/10/2011 22:43

Yep! At least I was there at the end. My sister lives away and was too late. So swings and roundabouts x Two months tomorrow x

Sexonlegs · 07/10/2011 14:44

tOlkn13 :( How sad.

I still have the Christmas card signed Mum and Dad and use it as a bookmark.

wearymotherof6 · 07/10/2011 14:51

my dad died nearly 3 yrs ago and i miss him every day. Although we knew he was terminally ill the end came quite suddenly and as i live 3 hrs drive away i didn't make it in time - my mum and sisters were with him though.
Still have his number in my mobile x

WhoresHairKnickers · 07/10/2011 20:06

Yes, I still have Dads mobile number in my phone and even getting a new phone, I wouldn't delete it. My Mum's number says ICE Mum and Dad and I just can't change it.

I think myself so lucky to have been with Dad at the end. My Brother had left an hour before hand and I was just about to text him, changed my mind and was talking to him on the phone to say get back now and Dad breathed his last, so I suppose my Brother was connected to Dad when he went as I was standing right next to him...so sad...

t0lk13n · 07/10/2011 22:03

x

Sexonlegs · 07/10/2011 22:28

I was in the house on my own when Mum died. My brother had stayed over the 2 previous nights to give Dad a break, and I had come over to do the night shift. Db left to be with his dw and kids; he wasn't keen to go, as he wanted to stay with Mum, but Dad said he should.

Dad went out to get some bits from the shop, and I stayed with Mum but downstairs listening in on the baby monitor. I heard her breathing was laboured and I was so scared, that I couldn't go in to the bedroom; I just peered in at the door.

I feel dreadful about this as, by the time Dad came back, Mum had gone :( She was on her own as I didn't have the guts to be with her.

I will regret that forever.

t0lk13n · 07/10/2011 22:41

Sometimes people wait to be alone....my gran did...she slipped away whilst my mum drank a cup of tea in the other room despite sitting by her side up til then. Don`t regret it x

WhoresHairKnickers · 08/10/2011 12:30

No SOL don't feel bad about it. None of us know how we'd be if we were on our own in this situation. My Mum was with me, but had she not been...I don't know how I'd have been. Watching someone die is hard. :(

deviladvocate · 09/10/2011 23:11

my dad died 2 months ago, my mum has just come to stay with us. she has been doing amazingly well, although she seems to get tired so quickly now - is that usual? i don't know if that's a symptom of grief or whether she's just now getting old which she's never had the opportunity to do before, having been a full-time carer for so long.

WhoresHairKnickers · 10/10/2011 10:10

Sorry to see you join us devil but you are very welcome to bounce off us on here...

I think grief is extremely tiring and if your Mum has cared for your Dad for a long time, I think she's probably just let go and it's catching up with her...perhaps you could allow her the rest she needs and then in due course, encourage her to start 'living again' by taking gentle walks, meeting her friends and generally trying to get back to a 'normal life.'

I've been trying to get my Mum to walk and to join the local pop in parlour to make friends, but she wont. I find this quite sad because as far as I'm concerned, she shouldn't stop living because Dad has gone, she needs to accept that life is different now, but embrace it and try to enjoy it, because Dad would want that for her. Her life is different, not over.

Sexonlegs · 10/10/2011 10:40

Morning all.

Devil, I am sorry to hear about your Dad, and would echo whorsehairs sentiments.

Grief is exhausting, and having been a ft carer on top of that will no doubt have been both physically and emotionally tiring.

My Dad cared for my Mum during the final stages of her life, and he had broken nights sleep, etc and he was shattered. It took him several months to sleep well and feel refreshed.

Take care of yourself too.
x

mulranno · 11/10/2011 11:47

My beautiful mothers 3rd anniversary today - especially painful over the past month recalling her hideous decline. Life for me got much worse before things bottomed out after the first year - now life is not "dysfunctional" anymore but tinged with sadness and changed forever. I lost my Dad when I was 6 - so know that even 38 years later the pain is still there deep inside and your loss defines you. Thanks for this thread -- it was there when I needed it today - have not been on here for 2 years.
Big squeezy hugs to all those in deep grief

t0lk13n · 11/10/2011 19:08

xxxxxx]]]]]]]]]]
To all xxxxx

deviladvocate · 11/10/2011 21:54

Thank you WhoresHairKnickers and SexonLegs Smile Mum's been sleeping really well but is still feeling wiped out. She'd been a carer for over 42 years - first for my brother then my dad. Not sure how you get beyond that really, but i hope spending time with me and her grandchildren will help (three under six, actually maybe it's watching them charge around that's making her knackered!)

GoresHairKnickers · 11/10/2011 22:18

Bless her devil, she must be exhausted :( I think all you can do for her at this stage is give her some care, love and time. Time to rest, sleep, mull things over and grieve. Your children will probably be her saving grace when she is feeling better...
Take care of yourself too.

call me Solo :)

aristocat · 30/10/2011 21:26

sorry havent been on here for a while, ((hugs)) and thoughts with all of you.

it is a difficult time of year for me at the moment, my Dad was fit and well on Bonfire Night in 1999 and a few days after that he had his first stroke. sadly by Dec 11th i had lost him forever Sad

TheFarSide · 31/10/2011 21:35

Just joining you all, having lost my mum to heart failure two weeks ago. She had a long standing blood disorder and was getting weaker and weaker with anaemia but none of us realised she would go quite so soon. My dad, brother and I were all with her at the end but I don't know how much she knew of what was going on. I can't quite believe it's happened and want to stay in a hole for a while, but life continues. There are some terribly sad stories on this thread but it helps to know I am not alone. Sad

Sexonlegs · 31/10/2011 22:27

Thefarside, I am so sorry you have joined this thread, but you are very welcome.

It is a great place to talk about your Mum, your feelings and whatever you want, whenever you want.

Sadly, there are a fair few of us on here who have been in your shoes.

For me, it is 10 months that Mum has been up with the angels. The pain is less raw, but not a day goes by without me thinking about her.

Take care. x

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