anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

LilRed have a big ((hug)) from me. It's hard isn't it...

((hug)) to LilRed look after yourself today

LilRed sending you (hugs) xxx

Thanks guys. DH was a star and just gave me the space he knew I needed. When I announced I was off out for a bit he just told me to drive safely and understood that I had timed it to coincide with his parent's visit. He totally took the pressure off all day and I had a lovely quiet day.

My mom died on Thursday She'd been fighting pancreatic cancer, successfully, for 18 months but it spread and we were told 6 days before we lost her that there was nothing more that could be done.

I've never experienced proper "grief" before. I've lost grandparents which was very sad but what I'm feeling now is altogether different. I feel totally crushed and heartbroken and can't contemplate the years ahead without my darling mom.

I know, logically, that this will pass and it will become more bearable but right now I just want to curl up in bed and not get up for a long time. I'm not going to do that. I've got 2 DSs and a DH who need me and who are also grieving. I'm going to force myself to go back to work tomorrow and put on a false smile and carry on.

Please reassure me I'm doing the right thing.

Lost my dad very suddenly 3 years ago - to all intents and purposes, friends etc think I'm doing ok, but my dad was my rock (single with 2 children, who adored my dad, and he was there for me every day esp since ex walked out 7 yrs ago). Not a day goes by without me missing him and I so know the feeling of 'just wanting him back' :(
Thinking of you all - wish there was a way of taking the pain away for us all - it is the worst feeling ever x

Footballmum I'm sorry to hear that your Mum has gone...it is a terrible shock to your system even when we know it's coming.

I'm not going to tell you that you are right to go back to work tomorrow, I doubt I would for a little while, but only you know how you feel about it. Some people return to work to take their minds off things, so it might be the right thing for you. Perhaps go in, but listen out for yourself iyswim? if you feel you need to be at home, then do that...I'm sure people will understand.
Be kind to yourself, don't forget to eat properly and sleep.

Friendlymum thank you :) I do know how you feel, in fact, many of us on here do...

This is such a sad thread, but so obviously needed. So many of us are experiencing the same things. I wish this had been here when my dad died. I echo the thoughts of not wanting to bother my friends in RL, especially as none of my close friends have lost parents.

footballmum No one can tell you the right or wrong thing to do in these circumstances, BUT be kind to yourself, and take one day at a time. If you did go to work today, remember that tomorrow you may not feel up to it x

Thinking of you and all those that have posted on here x

footballmum so sorry that you are here too, as solo said everyone is different regarding going back to work quickly. when my dad passed away, i went straight back to work and tried to put on the brave face (my job was very demanding & i felt enormous pressure not to have much time off) but with just a few kind words from a customer i crumbled ..... and on hindsight i really should not have been there.

hope you are OK, and please take each day slowly

friendlymum it has been 12 years for me in December since i lost my dad and that feeling is still with me i reckon we dont ever stop grieving for the loss of someone, but have to get used used to the pain it causes
((hug))

Thanks everyone. It was definitely the right decision to go back to work. Everyone was lovely and it really helped escape from the grief for a few hours. I know I may be a gibbering wreck tomorrow though!!

Last night DS1 realised that she won't be here for his birthday or Christmas and fell apart again. I told him to try not to think too far ahead and to concentrate on getting through today. I told him for every
sad thought he should try and think of something happy that reminds him of his nan. Now I need to try and follow my own advice.

Again, thank you for your support. It really helps knowing there are others out there who can relate x

footballmum well done it must be so difficult with DCs grief too ..... as you already said take one day at a time

Hello.

Footballmum, I am so sorry to hear about your Mom :(

I am glad that work gave you a diversion; I went back a few days after my Mum died on NYE last year, and it was the best thing for me.

How old are your ds's?

My dd2 who is only 4, has been asking about Gran again this evening, and she had me in tears. She told me she wanted to die so she could go to heaven so Gran wasn't on her own :( :( She asked me if I missed Gran, and was I sad and she said she was "a little bit crying". God love her; she is such an amazing, thoughtful child who my Mum adored.

Sorry, a bit of a ramble, but dh didn't seem very interested when I told him and like many others on here, I can't talk to anyone in RL as I feel like I am boring them.

Love to all. xx

SOL ((hugs)) Children can be so lovely can't they. My Dd comes out with a few crackers too. She lost two Grandparents within 3 months. I know she doesn't miss them in the same way I do because she wasn't even 20 months old, but she still loves them very much; especially my Dad as she saw him a great deal, whereas she didn't really see so much of her paternal Grandma :( I miss talking to her on the phone; she'd say things like 'You 'eard from shit 'ead?' (her son, Dd's father, my ex) used to make me smile...

Hi sexonlegs.

DS2 is fine. He's only 4 so whilst he understands she's gone, he doesn't understand the concept of "forever". DS1 has struggled. He loved her so much and his little heart is breaking. He broke down the other night because he realised his nan wouldn't be at his birthday party in December or with us on Christmas Day (as she would normally be). I've told him to concentrate on getting through one day at a time as thinking too far ahead will drive him mad.

I don't know about you but I've found the childrens' loss harder to bear than my own. At least I had her for 40 years. I worry that, in time, they'll forget her.

We're in the process of making plans for the funeral which will be next Tuesday. We've planned a beautiful service so I hope we'll do her proud.

Your poor ds1:( My dd1 has not said much at all about Mum. I find it quite strange, but I guess we all deal with things differently.

Really hope the funeral goes as well as these things can and that the sun shines fo you all.

Had a wobble at work today. shook hands with a lady who was a bit younger than Mum would have been, and she said "what cold hands you have". Mum always commented on my cold hands and said it must be because I had a warm heart :)

Hope everyone is ok. xx

That's my biggest worry for my Dd; that she'll forget her Grandad :(
Ds was the same age as I was when I lost my Grandad and I have never forgotten him, so I'm not worried that he'll forget my Dad, just Dd :(

Had a dream last night where I found out my dad had died, when I woke there was a moment where I thought thank goodness, just a dream - then came the horrid realisation that it wasn't, that it had happened. i've only just started dreaming again after years of broken nights with the kids, almost wish they hadn't started sleeping through now....

:( devil I sometimes dream of my Dad too...it's an awful wake up call in the morning isn't it...

Just popping my head round the corner to say hi. Hope you don't mind.
My mum died 18 years ago when I was 16 and for some reason I'm struggling at the moment.
Think its because my dad is the only Grandparent they have, and he fell off his bike today. Not seriously injured, only a dislocated shoulder, but it really shook me up. Daft I know.

Not daft at all Quidsi, not at all...glad he's Ok.

Last week, my Mum went out without letting me know (and she always tells me) and of course, she wasn't answering her home phone or her mobile...tried many times, but no. My Son was going over there after school (I couldn't get there early for some reason), so I phoned him and asked him to hurry and check on Grandma. Turns out she'd gone to the opticians, left her phone on charge at home and had 'told me a week ago where she was going' She didn't!
They are such a worry aren't they? and more so I think when you've lost one parent already :(

Pop in any time btw. We're all friendly in here.

Ah Quidsi, totally normal reaction. My dad went for a major back op 6 weeks after Mum died, and I was staying so strong until I had to say goodbye before he headed to theatre, and then went to pieces. I am glad he is ok.

Solo, bless you and your Mum!

All ok here, although feel quite low today. Have had a great weekend at my cousins house, and my dad and aunty and uncle came to lunch with us too. Dad talked a lot about Mum and my aunty was upset which set me off! And again, dd2 called me up at bedtime to ask if she could go to heaven and give gran a hug :( God love her.

Hope everyone is ok. xx

Aww! SOL your lovely Dd2...so sad isn't it?

Ds and I spoke about genetics this evening. How he looks like me, but has his fathers nose (nice nose) and how, physically he is just like him too...then we got talking about weight and smoking and the like and how I lost my Gp's on Mum's side (never knew Dads parents :() when I was young and how much I missed them...and how I look like my Dad and have his Dads nose and how Dd has my Dads Mums nose...and they all liive on in us in some way don't they...?

Meant to say that both Gp's died of smoking related things and that we are in big danger of letting our genes make us very overweight...My Gt Gd was 28 stones and all his sisters were the same. Told Ds that we have to look after ourselves etc.

Tomorrow is a year since my mum died. I am sitting here just remembering this very night last year, crying my eyes out, when me and my sister were basically waiting for her to die. The hospice nurse had arrived at 10pm and we went up to bed at 11pm, to then be got up at 2.30am and be with her for her last 4 breaths.

My goodness, why am I writing this? I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Tomorrow we are going back to her house to spend the weekend with her husband - that's going to be hard as it will be the first time that I have stayed in the house since this day a year ago (my stepdad hasn't wanted me to, but I have forced him to let us tomorrow )

My DDs aged 10 and 6 NEVER mention Granny, which I think is so sad as they were very close. I'm sure they don't because they know that I'll just start to cry straight away, and I wish that i didn't.

Anyway, a very very tough weekend ahead. But I'm hoping that life gets a bit easier once this weekend is over - I'll have got through all the "firsts" by then - first birthday without a card from my mum, first christmas, first Mothering Sunday etc etc and finally first anniversary. (or maybe it won't?)

:( Sal it's so very hard isn't it? I too remember my Dad's last breaths ~ like it was yesterday. It is very hard to stop thinking about it; I do it all the time...today is a prime example of feeling extremely emotional and just thinking of Dad.
So, I reckon it must be normal. You are reacting normally and so are the rest of the bereft children on this thread. I don't think there can be many loving and loved 'children' that could just carry on completely normally after losing a much loved parent; never shedding a tear or thinking of their Mum or Dad...
When you become strong enough, perhaps you could make a point of holding a 'Remember Granny Day' where you all talk about her and your Dd's can express their feelings about the loss of your Mum. You could all have a little cry, but also do lots of laughing and smiling about the memories of Mum/Granny that you each hold dear?

FWIW, I don't believe it gets easier to live without your Mum or Dad; I just think you get used to it.

I hope your weekend is better for you than you believe it could be.x