anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Solo, I was about to post about the same things. My dad died last year and this will be the first birthday for us too.
It would be my dad's 80th birthday tomorrow, and he will be the only one missing at the party he planned.
We are going ahead anyway as it just feels the right thing to do.
Am not looking forward to it. It has been so weird not buying him a card or a present.
We are taking flowers up to his grave.
Thinking of you and your loss too.

Solo and oiwhatsoccuring - sorry to hear that birthdays are coming up. It is difficult. I still buy him a card which I actually do write in and tell him what's been happening. A bit silly really. When he was cremated I gave the undertakers a letter which I had written for Dad. It was put in his coffin with him.

Sexonlegs - you asked how he died.

In April 2007 he was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus. It was early stages so we were really lucky. It hadn't spread and the tumour was relatively small. His oncologist recommended 3 cycles of chemo and then an operation to have it removed. It is a serious operation but as Dad himself said 'I want to live'.

He started the chemo and during his second cycle he became very ill. For some reason his body went into meltdown. He got diahorrea and became ulcerated from his mouth all the way to his bottom. They did all sorts of checks on him but couldn't find a reason and just said it was a bad reaction to the chemo. He ended up being in hospital for 10 weeks. At the beginning it was horrendous and we were warned that he was seriously ill. However he was my Dad and a superhero so I didn't take it seriously.

Well he came home and they decided to go ahead with the operation. He had 3 weeks at home, enough time to get stronger but not too long as they didn't want the tumour to grow again (it had shrunk because of the chemo). Luckily my brothers who live abroad came and stayed with my parents for a while.

So the day of the operation arrived. I knew that it was serious, they told us 10% chance he would die but felt reasonably optimistic. During the op, his heart became stressed so they had to stop for a while but they completed the op and it was a complete success. He went to ITU as expected and was doing fine. Then we got a phone call during the 3rd day to say he was unwell. It took a while to get there as I had to call my husband back from work and then we hit rush hour. Anyway by the time we arrived it was too late. They met us when we arrived at the ward and took us to a side room. I immediately knew that it was bad news. He had died of a heart attack.

When they told us, my Mum started crying and saying 'What am I going to do without him?'. We went to see him but he didn't look the same. He was yellow and waxy. Mum and I just sat next to him, totally numb. I had to phone my brothers and wake one of them up (he lives in US) and tell them the news. It was all completely horrendous and surreal. I even got a mug of tea with the words 'Best Dad' on them. Ironic really....

So that's my story. It makes me so angry that my poor Dad took everything that was thrown at him. That the op was a success that perhaps he would have survived the cancer. It was just the fact that his heart couldn't take it anymore.

I still hear him saying 'I want to live' to the oncologist at the beginning. I regret that I only spent an hour with him the day before the op. I hadn't realised it would be the last time I would be able to talk to him.

I did tell him I loved him before the operation but I really wish that I would have spent more time with him.

This feels a bit self-serving to write my story but it all seems so bloody unfair. He was 69, he died 3 months before his 70th birthday.

My one consolation is that it was quick and that he wouldn't really have known what was happening.

So that's my story.

Oiwhatsoccuring, so sorry for your loss. When is the party? Ikwym re the gift/card situation; seems just so strange.

Follygirl, really glad you came back on. What a story :( How is your Mum doing now?

Been through loads of photos over the last couple of days; we want to make a display for the memorial service. Really lovely looking through them all.

Off to bed. Keep posting. x

Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words.

Can any of you recall your last cognitive conversation with your loved one/s? I can't. I can't remember the very last conversation that Dad and I held together...we used to talk a lot and about all kinds of things; things I know that only I was privy to and I'll take those confidences to my grave.

I do remember a few of hours before he left that I told him 'you can go now Dad' (he'd received the sacrament/last rites), that 'I'll look after Mum' and I think that's why I have all this pent up grief inside, because I can't let it out, I have to be strong for her. I just want to shout that 'it's not fair!!!'

'Happy Birthday Dad. I love you and I miss you so, so much; you were my hero and I'd love one more conversation with you. Just one.'

thoughts go out to you all ...((hug)))

so very hard - i remember everything leading up to last moments /days , had conversations with my wonderful mum .

solo -how r u feeling today ? i cried last night 2 ...drawing close to mothers day ...the first one without my mum ...will be hard ...

sexonlegs- photos are a comfort , im hoping to get some from my mums partner next week -difficult times as he isnt easy (very long story) making our loss so much harder to come to terms with

I went to doctors and have asked to see a grief concolor as so many thought going round my head , dont know how to get them out ...iyswim...

x

hugging you all.

solo - I promised my Dad that I would look after my Mum. As I've said before I'm the only family she has here so it's all on me really. What with being strong for her and being strong in front of the kids it is hard.

My dh is fantastic. Has been so supportive and very understanding but he doesn't really 'get' it as he has his parents still. No matter how much he thinks he understands how I feel he won't really know until he goes through the same.

My mum is doing well considering. It has been 3.5 years now. She got herself a dog which has been fantastic as she is a companion and also someone to look after/ love. She spent the first year immersing herself in new courses and activities and has now slowed down and discovered what she can cope with. She went to a club for over 60s but found that some of the women weren't very friendly to her, it's almost as if they see her as a rival. Stupid really.

She's actually in Vietnam at the moment with a friend (female). She's booked a few more trips this year and is very positive. She misses him terribly still and finds the weekends difficult as her friends tend to be busy. We have her round most weekends but sometimes I have to say no as I need to have 'family time' with my dh and dc. Then I feel guilty as I know that she'll be on her own all weekend. Luckily she only lives 10 mins away so pops round a few times a week in the afternoon and gets to see my dc all the time.

Here's hoping that Mother's Day isn't too upsetting for all of those who have lost their Mums. I find Father's Day really hard still.

Thanks all.

Still a bit low today, but I'll be Ok. Have real life problems to deal with atm, made worse because I know Dad would've helped me out :(

Solo, I hope you are ok. x

You were asking about last words. I saw my Mum on Christmas Day, the 28th Dec and then the 31st (the day she died) I had my last proper conversation with her on Christmas Day. I was wearing a dress that I had chosen with Mum (she had paid for it bless her). We were having a lovely chat and then I got up to leave her to rest, and she said "darling, you look lovely". I replied "you chose it with me, you have good taste".

:( :(

Thinking of wearing the dress at Mum's memorial service.

SOL, that's lovely. And yes, wear that dress, your Mum obviously approves of it :)

solo - sorry to hear about your RL problems. Hope it all works out.

SOL - that dress sounds lovely and would be so appropriate. How are you feeling about the memorial service?

About last words - I remember kissing my Dad before the operation and telling him I loved him. I don't think that we said anything too profound as I wasn't aware that I was saying goodbye.

I told my mum that I loved her every night before going to bed in her last few weeks. She was in a coma so wouldn't have really taken it in. But a few weeks before then, when we knew the end was near, I told her that I believed she would live on in me and my DBro. She agreed. She does, and now I sometimes see her in my DD1 who has her name - Mollie - as a middle name. It is such a beautiful name. I wish she'd met her grandchildren.

11 years on and, I miss her SOOOO much.

Hugs Jezabelle

Mollie is a beautiful name. My ds has my dad's name as his middle name and I named him when my dad was still well.

Morning.

Jezabelle :( I am so sorry for your loss; so many people without parents.

Solo, how are you today?

Folly, I am quite nervous re the memorial service. However, it was what Mum wanted- the funeral was me, Dad and db only (mum didn't want people weeping over her coffin!) and then to have a celebration of her life in the Spring (April).

I am just worried that I am not going to be able to hold my emotions in, as the hymns, readings and music are all so personal. I have written a poem which my db is going to incorporate in to the eulogy, and I have written a poem too based on what the dd's told me.

I want to be strong for Dad, but I am not sure I can be :(

The in-laws are coming over later and staying the night. Relations have always been tense, but I really don't want them here. They are coming to Mum's service next month too, and I have visions of mil holding dd2 in her arms which makes me irrationally mad.

I sound mad don't I?

Not at all SOL's you sound like someone who is grieving and misses there mum greatly ...x
.

(((hugs))) and thoughts go out to us all who have lost a parent x

Hi all...

Thank you again. I'm Ok, not feeling better, but Ok.

SOL, we had a Requiem mass for Dad, followed by a small service at the crematorium (actually, it was the cemetery chapel as the crem was being refurbished). I wrote a eulogy, which was largely memories of my Dad and incorporated experiences of my Mum, Brother and myself within it; I truly believed that I'd not get through it, but strangely I did and it touched everyone that was in Church.
My Ds had started secondary school that very day and looked fabulous in his new school uniform whilst he read the most beautiful poem.
A strange control takes over when you are 'doing the last thing for your loved one'. I'm sure that you will be absolutely fine. I'm thinking of you SOL. I'm thinking of you all on this thread.

Solo - still thinking of you and hoping that whatever is bothering you in RL sorts itself out.

SOL - We just had a service at the crematorium for Dad. My brothers and dh helped carry the coffin. I say coffin but Dad actually had a wicker basket. It didn't look like a hamper and actually looked nice. Dad was quite a greenie in his own way.

I didn't read the eulogy, my two brothers wrote and read it. I asked my brother to read 'Stop the clock's which I thought was appropriate.

After his coffin went we released a dove which I thought was lovely. Apparently they are like homing pigeons and do fly back home. The crematorium was near a busy road and I had visions of something bad happening to the dove like it hitting a telegraph pole or something. I have no idea why really...I think it made it safely home.

Anyway the wake afterwards was strange. It wasn't sad at all and was a chance to have a catch-up with people I didn't normally see. I had to keep reminding myself why I was there.

What I'm trying to say (badly) SOL is that you will be fine. If you cry (as I did) then don't be embarassed or feel as if you are letting your Mum or your Dad down. There is no rule book for all of this, you will feel the way you feel and you should go with the flow.

About the in-laws. Mine are actually pretty decent people really. However after Dad died I found myself feeling cross with them. I think to be honest it was because my dh still has both his parents and that it hurt me to see fil's relationship with my 2 dc. It was as if he was stealing my dad's role and taking his place. Of course it isn't their fault really. They are still a little bit inconsiderate, well to my mind they are, but then of course my Dad's death isn't uppermost in their minds so of course they are bound to be a bit tactless sometimes. I can't/shouldn't feel angry with them but of course I do.

Thank you follygirl :) My Dad also had a Willow casket...very beautiful.

Hi solo - Yes they are lovely. He wanted an environmentally friendly coffin. We looked at the cardboard ones but I didn't like them.

The willow one was lovely and we had it decorated with flowers. I think I'd like one too and my Mum has already told me she wants one.

I was talking to my dh last night about Dad and how much I miss him. Dh says that I don't really talk about my feelings much which is a fair point. My youngest dc started school in September and as I am a SAHM I have a lot more time on my hands which is why I'm thinking about things more. Anyway we had a lovely chat and he even told me things about the day Dad had died which I didn't even know. It was great to talk about it all and we both got quite tearful. It felt very cathartic.

Hugs to all

Hi ladies

Follygirl, thank you for sharing your experiences of your Dad's funeral. It is really helpful to hear from others who have been though this (sadly lots of people).

Solo, hope you are ok.

All ok here really. Just helping sort things for next month.

The in-laws were bearable. mil is very molly-coddling, and it does make me mad, and I have to step in every now and then!! But, their hearts are in the right place. I do find it hard seeing her with dd2 in particular. Mum and Dad have 6 g.children and dd2 is the youngest, and was a bit of a favourite with Mum.

Hey ho.

Better get on.

Take care all.

Hi all

SOL - I find that some people don't really know how to behave in these circumstances. Some go over the top, others don't say anything and pretend that nothing has happened. Perhaps your mil is just trying to help?

I think it's normal to feel sad when you see your dc with their other granny. You just want to scream and shout and say it's not fair and that it should be your dad or mum with them. I know the feeling. I also know that a relationship with their grandfather is important to him and them so I just bite my tongue and hide my feelings.

Good luck with planning for next month.

solo - hope you're okay.

Morning all.

How is everyone today?

Follygirl, yeah, I am sure mil is trying to help, and I am grateful, but I just feel angry I suppose that my Mum isn't around to help and see the girls.

Been feeling a bit down the last couple of days. DD1 had to have a minor op on her ankle on Monday, and she wanted me to go with her to the anaesthetic room. Seeing her drift off and then kissing her on her forehead was so so hard, even though of course I knew she would come around again 45 minutes later on.

She is fine thankfully.

I started another thread on this but it didn't seem appropriate. I feel really shitty at the moment and not sure what is causing it. It's taking over my life at the moment and i just feel a constant feeling of sadness, anxiety and worthlessness. My mum died a few years ago and i was lucky to get to spend the last few weeks with her. It was so tough watching her come to terms with cancer and her decline and death soon after. I felt I did most of my grieving before she died and her death was actually a kind of relief that she was no longer in that horrible place. I then went home with my family and overall was surprised at how well i thought I was dealing with it though I think being busy with young children helped. Now a few years on and I know of a little child who is dying of cancer and I feel so sad and angry. I think of this little child all the time (I have never even met the family) - and can't bear to think of them going through what my mum did and his poor family. The anger and horror is really overwhelming me - i just feel sad nearly all the time and I can't get it out of my head. Every time I forget or have some happiness, I feel so guilty and spoilt. i don't know why I'm taking this to heart - all I can think of is that I'm directing all my hurt and anger from losing my mum onto this current situation. Then i feel so angry at myself for wallowing in this poor families grief, which will help no-one. Has anyone else felt hey were coping with grief and then a few years down the line - it came back to the fore again? Sorry for rambling but I can't really talk about this to anyone else as it sounds so pathetic and me, me, me.

Fastedwina, I think what you are describing is quite a common reaction. Last week, my Ds's classmates brother died suddenly and I bawled my eyes out; I don't know the family either, but it all feels so unfair. I haven't grieved for my Dad yet and every little (or big) sad situation sets me off.
A friend of mine said it took her brother 10 years to start grieving for their Dad and it all came out so much worse than it might've done if dealt with straight away.
Have you had any grief counselling? it might help to talk it all through.

I didn't think i needed any counseling. I thought getting the chance to say goodbye and being there for her had helped me through it. I know I would have been so much worse if I had just got a phone call out of the blue one day to say she had died and I hadn't seen her for a year or spoken to her for a while. My sister fell apart at the time and really struggled while I seemed to be Ok, but remember someone saying that it can be more worrying when people seem to be dealing ok with grief as they could be bottling it up until later. I just seem to be reliving that whole horrible time through this child going through what my mum went through. I think deep down I'm terrified it could be depression or something as it runs in the family.

fastedwina - think some people do react later to their grief. If you had young children you had to keep going and it seems to have hit you later. After my Dad died my Mum was in such a state we had to hold our grief in and cope somehow. She was ill and died a year later. It wasn't until three months after that when it all hit me - there doesn't seem to be any formula, but I think you can carry on while you have to and just react later.

Over three years on I can feel better for a while and then suddenly feel worse. A friend's mother has just died and it seems to have triggered sadness and anxiety in me all over again. I struggle to accept that getting through grief is like negotiating a maze - you think you are through and then you feel lost again. It helps me to think that I have some better times and it is not so bad as three years ago. Also, my brothers felt a lot worse while it was all going on. I just went into automatic pilot - don't think I would have got through it otherwise - and then felt worse later. Seems this is what has happened with your sister and yourself. Grieving is so individual and different for each person. It is hard to accept that how you feel is OK - but it is how you feel and is valid. Hope this helps.