anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Dad died 17 yrs ago and I never really grieved for him - I put it down to the fact that DD1 was 3 months old at the time and I was busy with her. Also I think he had done everything he needed to in life and once he had a grandchild that was it for him.

My sister died 5 years ago end January and that was upsetting mostly from the fact that she could have had a much better life than she did have.

It will be the first anniversary of Mum's death (cancer - 2 months start to finish)tomorrow and reading this thread has had me in absolute floods - I can barely write through the tears. I miss her so much. Her birthday (December) was bad and I don't know how I'll be tomorrow - going to Valentine's Ball and might make a total idiot of myself.

I also wear her perfume sometimes - found an unopened bottle in her cupboard. I also have some of her clothes which still smell of her.
The ringtone on my phone is "now you're gone" - the family hate it but they still haven't worked out why I have it!

Over the past year I have also set out all my funeral arrangements right down to the obituary to make it easier for my family whenver it happens to me (found a lump on my boob the same time Mum was poorly - nothing bad but it concentrates the mind)

bobs, sorry to hear your story. My dad died from cancer, diagnosed in April and died in November.

It's lovely that you have her perfume and clothes. I have an old shirt of my Dad's and I wear it sometimes.

Good luck for tomorrow. Don't be ashamed if you cry it's a normal emotion. I know that some people find it embarassing to witness but I think it's more a case of not knowing what to say or do to make you feel better.

Try and enjoy yourself I'm sure your Mum would have wanted you to be happy.

Thank you...I also wear my Dads shirts...the thing is; my Dad didn't 'smell.' I know it sounds odd and you are all..., but he didn't. He never, ever had to wear deoderant, he stopped wearing splash after shaving years ago, so there's no reminder :( I sniffed his shirts again yesterday ~ hoping, that I'd get something of him, but no...how sad am I is that???

Ahhh Solo :(

Bobs, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. You have had a rough ride :(

Once again I am a wreck. Mum died 6 weeks ago today, and yesterday Dad had major back surgery. I took him to the hospital and stayed overnight in a local hotel so I could be near him. He looked so awful and it just scared me witless that he was so fragile. He has also been very tearful which is heartbreaking to see. I have an amazing bond with my Dad, and hate seeing him like this.

Sorry to waffle on. I talk to dh about stuff but he doesn't really get it.

Oh Solo :(

How is your Dad today sexonlegs? You must have been terrified. It is horrible seeing a parent when they're fragile. It's unsettling as you always see your parents as being invincible (well I did), to see them frail and scared doesn't seem like the way it should be. Of course they're just people and they're not indestructible but as a child, no matter how old you are, it's reassuring to have that feeling.

A friend once said you only ever truly grow up once you lose a parent.

Sexonlegs hope your Dad is okay. It gets really scary to see your parents so fragile - you expect them to be there forever to look after you and brings home to us that at the end of the day we are all only human and don't last forever.
My dh also didn't really get it. He expected me to come back home as he and the DC "needed looking after" while I was trying to sort out Mum's funeral. Then yesterday he's talking about us splitting up (me very hung over, sad over Mum - only cried once at Ball which otherwise was good - and bad period pains) - prat!!!!
I discovered that unless other people have gone through it they don't really understand and will end up saying nothing which can be hurtful, but then I did the same thing years ago when a friend lost her brother - feel ssss guilty now
Anyway let us know - all here for you...

I think grief can be like a long dark tunnel and it feels as if everyone else is on the outside, really far away. I felt that very much because dh and dd just did not understand how I felt when I lost my parents. It wasn't their fault because they hadn't experienced it. Grief is so lonely and that can make it seem selfish. My parents were together for nearly 60 years and my Mum was so overwhelmed in her own grief when Dad died that she lost sight of ours.

You are so right - your parents have been their all your life and getting used to being without them is no five minute business. It is such a help to share things on this thread and know that others understand.

Hi all,

hope everyone is ok. It is so good to be able to come on here.

Dad is doing ok thank you. It is slow progress, but the surgery he had was more involved than the surgeon expected it to be.
Emotionally, he seems ok, but I haven't seen him since Friday; only spoken to him on the phone. Spoke to my db who has seen Dad every day (he lives much closer to the hospital) and he says he is still a bit weepy.

I just wish I could be there more for him but logistically it is difficult.

Thinking of everyone.

pleased he's ok

I echo bobs and am glad that he's ok, physically at least.

Try not to beat yourself up about the fact you can't see him as much as you'd like to.

My dc were only 3 and 1 when my Dad was in hospital. It was a nightmare trying to get people to look after them particularly as they were so young so it was basically family only. I regret that I wasn't there more often but I did my best. I'm sure he understood that. So will your Dad.

.

Just lost my Mum on Saturday to cancer and have a three month old baby - your comments have helped

Flickor :( I'm so sorry. It's very hard; I hope you are looking after yourself.
Come and talk here if you feel you want to.
Take care.x

Hello guys. Just been reading this thread and alot of it hits home with me. My Dad died in April 09, my parents had been married 40 years and my Mu was overwhelmed with grief I have had a huge struggle trying to support her. I also feel that she felt she out trumped me with grief.

I was much closer to my Dad than my Mum, and I truly do miss him every single day of my life. Dh says I am so like my dad, I am not truly ever without him.

He was the greatest guy on earth.

It's coming up to 2 years, and although I still miss him, those harrowing raw times are gone. Like 2shoes it would be great to try and offer support to others.

Lovely thread idea 2shoes.

Hello DrNortherner. I for one, totally get where you are coming from. I just haven't really allowed myself to have that rawness you talk about; too busy supporting everyone else...

Flickor, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum :( My thoughts are with you and your family.

Hi Solo and you other wonderul mn'ers.

8 weeks has past now since Mum went. Feel ok most of the time, but still on the edge. Really silly things set me off, like dd2 (3) asking what colour clothes pegs Gran and Bompa have!?! I couldn't talk for tears.

I am also struggling with flashbacks. I heard Mum dying and then saw her dead in her bed, and even now when I am in bed or on my own, the sounds and visions are still there :(

How is everyone?

Saxonlegs - I saw my Mum die too and had flashbacks for quite a while. Two and a half years on the memory is not so raw and painful. Flasbacks lessen with time. I think the subconscious takes a long while to accept it all but you will come through and find the awful pain lessens. Hope this helps.

Thank you whitecloud. It is awful isn't it :( At the moment, that memory is still over-taking everything else.

Not having a great day today. We are having a memorial service for mum in April, and one of my nephews (bless him, he is only 12) is going to read something. He is gathering thoughts from all the g.children, so I have been asking the dd's for theirs - cue lots of tears from me.

Love to everyone.

Hi everyone.

I suffer from flashbacks too sexonlegs and whitecloud. I didn't see my dad die but I saw him shortly afterwards. I also had to phone my brothers and comfort my mother who was screaming. All absolutely horrendous.
The flashbacks are getting easier to cope with but it still hurts and it's coming up to 3.5 years.

It all takes time. :(

Just had the in-laws round this afternoon. It still hurts seeing my fil cuddle my ds. My dad should be around to do that too.

Glad it isn't just me.

Follygirl, your experience sounds very difficult; I really feel for you. Can I ask how your Dad died?
I understand if you don't want to talk about it.

MY mum died 6 months ago , i relive the final days hours moments , and feel so sad ...i still cant believe shes not here , was very sudden .

comfort to know im not alone and in time pictures i have will slowly fade ...x

Choclab :( It is so hard isn't it? I feel for you.

Had a hard day yesterday. Me, Dad and db got together to discuss Mum's memorial service which is happening next month. Very emotional indeed. Dad couldn't even say Mum's name when reading out the front cover of the order of service.

I feel like I have been hit by a bus today; just feel wiped out.

How is everyone else coping?

Thanks SOL ,

I have read only few of this thread and some of your posts , im so very sorry for your loss ..

i go one day at a time , went to visit Mums grave yesterday had a good moan /chat /cry .
i feel closer to her there in a strange way ...

i hope today is slightly better for you ..(((hug)))

Hi everyone.

It would've been Dad's 79th birthday today. I miss him so much, I really do. The last birthday he was here to celebrate with us, I bought him a big chocolate cake, added a candle and had some pictures taken with us all. Shopping for his birthday card was so painful because I knew it'd be the last one I would be choosing for and buying for him; the last time I could buy a cake for him...it was all 'for the last time...'

It hurts a lot today.

Solo, my thoughts are with you. Birthdays are hard.

Choclab, glad you are feeling better today. I feel ok, although now of course there are Mothers Day displays everywhere you turn in the shops! I keep waiting for a sales assistant to ask me if I'd like to buy one.

Hope everyone is ok. x