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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
Sexonlegs · 10/03/2011 17:56

I would echo what everyone else has said on here, and what others have said to me in RL.

Be kind to yourself.

Jezabelle · 10/03/2011 21:47

fastedwina - There was quite a long run up to my mum's death and I also remember saying that I had done most of my grieving before she died. But about 6-8 months later it seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried at anything, couldn't watch anything vaguely emotional on TV. Even Hollyoaks! If there was something awful on the news, (particularly concerning children), I would just fall apart for days.

In retrospect I was in a fortunate situation. I handed my notice in at work, (no financial worries as living in my mum's house with my Dbro and boyfriend - now DH), did very little for about 6 months. I got good councelling and basically grieved in my own time.

It was all before I had children, (clearly!!) You don't have these options with the responsibilities that DCs bring. You really do need to find a way of being as kind to yourself as you can.

Looking back at that time after my mum died I had the time and space to be really gentle and kind to myself.

I think what you are going through is really, really normal for so many. You just need to find a way of getting through things day by day and looking after yourself the best you can.

Let us know how you're getting on when you can. Thinking of you. xx

madworld1 · 12/03/2011 09:00

Can I join. Lost my lovely mum early hours of yesterday morning. She was in her eighties and we knew her life expectancy was compromised due to a heart condition. She was having frequent falls. However, it was a bleed on the brain which did it in the end Awaiting pm to find out whether bleed before or after fall. At least she was on holiday when it happened. It was so horriblr deeing her sedated and on a ventilator. When they removed ventilator she lasted for another 12 hours. She still has so much fight in her.

Sexonlegs · 12/03/2011 10:23

Madworld1, I am so sorry for your loss :( Your Mum sounded like a real fighter.

I wish you and your family love and strength.

fastedwina · 12/03/2011 11:20

Sorry Madworld, tough no matter how old they are - she was your mum. Hope you can remember all the good times. Take care.

solo · 12/03/2011 19:26

Sorry for your loss madworld1. Please remember to take care of your own needs right now.

madworld1 · 13/03/2011 14:53

Thank you. Fortunately, I have two young children. They really help keep you going.

fastedwina · 13/03/2011 21:12

I agree madworld, having my two little ones to cuddle and look after when my mum died helped my focus on something else, their innocence even when things were awful always brought some comfort and cheered me up. Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself - it's a huge thing that has happened to you.

follygirl · 14/03/2011 09:04

So sorry to hear your news madworld1.
Sadly we all know how you feel. Take care of yourself and remember the good times.

madworld1 · 14/03/2011 11:10

Thank you. Having a rough morning. Got children to school ok but couldn't stop crying on walk home. I have also just rung warden from mum's sheltered housing. Got really upset on phone. Happened to ask her how long council give us to clear bunalow. Told me as long as we like but they charge full rent from date of death. Is it me or is that really callous. Also trying to deal with funeral directors. I do have other fsiblings but we are so far apart it is really hard.

solo · 24/03/2011 13:51

Madworld, it does feel callous, but that's what this country is about now ~ making money...:(

My Mum has been upsetting me recently. She didn't get me a birthday card. Her excuse? she doesn't like to go out on her own. I told her that she needed to learn to do it and get herself going etc to which she replied: 'I just want to sit here quietly and pass away.' It's not the first time she's come out with crap like that since Dad went, but how does she think that kind of talk makes me feel? Really angered me...she's going to be 70 in June; she's not an 'old lady' even though she see's herself that way. I feel selfish in saying that she's being selfish.

Sexonlegs · 24/03/2011 15:22

Oh Solo, that is so sad and hard on you :(I don't know what to suggest.

I hope you had a happy birthday despite the situation. x

madworld1 · 24/03/2011 17:27

How awful Solo. My experience was so different with my mum. After my dad died she kept on going. In fact, although she was in her eighties she still had so much fight left in her. She didn't go quietly. Hope your mum find courage to carry on.

Sexonlegs · 26/03/2011 20:31

Hi all

hope everyone is ok.

Have had a really hard today. I started clearing out Mum's wardrobes and drawers of all her clothes, shoes and hats. There were 16 bin liners full! That lady could shop for Britain :)

I also found mothers day cards that I had sent to her and a few photo's that she had kept close :( Cue lots of tears. I have also kept a few items of clothing and they still smell of my lovely Mum. Also have given my Mum's watch to dd1 (7) and she is really touched.

I still have more to do, but Dad said to stop for today. Feel pretty emotionally drained.

solo · 01/04/2011 19:38

How is everyone?

Sexonlegs · 02/04/2011 14:39

Hi Solo. Hope you are ok.

Am ok, but like many here are fearing the first Mother's Day without Mum being here.

Also gearing up to Mum's memorial service on Wednesday, and just feel so unbelievably sad. My oldest nephew, who is 11, is reading on behalf of all the grandchildren, and I have read the final draft today. It is heartbreakingly lovely; each of the grandchildren (incl my 2 dd's) have written about Gran. Cue tears!

solo · 02/04/2011 23:50

SOL, it will be hard tomorrow. I remember my first Fathers Day without Dad last year :( you will get through it, maybe slightly numb, but you'll be Ok.

The memorial service will be beautiful; you are all going to be there to celebrate your Mums life and I'm sure your Nephew will read just fabulously telling of everyones memories :) . My own Ds was 11 when he read a lovely poem at Dads Requiem Mass, followed by me telling of some of my own memories over the years...you may find that everyone is moved by it all as it is telling a story of a real person that they all knew and love. I remember 'ours' with such fondness as if it were yesterday and it is sad, but so so happy too. I know it sounds strange, but try to enjoy the day; remember the wonderful woman that Mum was and be happy celebrating her life.xx

Sexonlegs · 03/04/2011 08:27

Thank you Solo; very wise words; you are right, it is time to celebrate Mum's life.
xx

PictureThis · 05/04/2011 13:45

Hello, I'm back - again.

Well I survived my first mother's day without my mum...just. I ended up working on sunday which I think was the best thing I could have done. DD who is just 4 had a fabulous time playing with her cousins, feeding meg lambs and mother's day was not something at the forefront of her mind.

Dad, DH, DD and I came back from a wonderful and much needed holiday last week. However, the holiday was much harder than I anticipated it would be. Mum was at the forefront of my mind and most certainly my Dad's and I missed her so much it made my heart ache. While we were on the plane mid flight, DD looked out of the window then turned to me and said, "Mummy, is that heaven because if it is I can't see my Mormor". SadSad

I know Dad is struggling too. He's putting a brave face on things but both he and I had a very emotional moment on holiday and hugged each other while we both had a little weep. It's difficult seeing him like this, but it's grief and we have to deal with it.

I just miss my Mum so very much. I thought I was doing ok but I'm not. Tears are always only a word or song away and I find myself overwhelmed without warning. I know it's supposed to get better and I'm sure it does. This is just something I'll have to ride out. DH is as much help as he can be but both his parents are still alive and he has no idea how I feel. I love my MIL but I'm finding it very hard being around her at the moment without feeling venomous simply because she is here and mum isn't Blush. What kind of person does that make me?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow Sexonlegs.

solo · 05/04/2011 14:53

PictureThis...it's hard to deal with all of this isn't it? Last year we went away with Mum and family for a week up north and it went through Dad's first anniversary. It was very hard, but also good that we were busy and had other family members to keep us going ~ without words too. My cousin had already lost her Mum, so she knew what I was feeling and we didn't have to speak about it.

I don't think you are a bad person because you can't feel 'good' around your MIL, but at the same time, it's not MIL's fault...my 'MIL' died 3 months before my Dad, but I wasn't told for 3 weeks until I enquired after her health (I'm not with her son). Try to be as kind to your MIL as you'd like her to be to you. I'm sure it'll all get easier eventually. Hope I've come across as I mean to.

SOL, hope all goes well tomorrow. Don't forget to raise a glass to your Dear Mum and her wonderful life where she brought you into the world and saw you bring your Dc's into it too.x

PictureThis · 05/04/2011 15:23

Solo, you speak many a wise word. I try my very best to make sure that MIL remains blissfully ignorant of how I'm feeling inside. As you say it's not her fault and she is so kind and helpful. She's just not my Mum. It's an internal conflict and it will remain so.

solo · 05/04/2011 16:02

I'm sure it will PictureThis; it must be an awful feeling and I'm sorry for your broken heart, I really am :( ask me if I'd rather someone elses Dad had died instead of mine and I'd be lying if I said no, but I lost so many people in my life in under a year that I know that I'm not alone in my grief and suffering and nor are you ~ you know that at the very least, we all on this thread know your grief and you can talk it out with us whenever you want to. Sending love and positive vibes to you.

Sexonlegs · 06/04/2011 08:41

Morning all, a bright and beautiful day today for Mum's Celebration. Now worried I am going to be too hot in my choice of outfit!!!

Picture this, I know exactly what you mean re mil. My mil is kind and I know her heart is in the right place, but she has always driven me mad with her over-mothering of us, and even more so now.

Anyway, need to get sorted for later on.

Think of me at 2.30, and raise a cup of tea to Sue Austen :)

PictureThis · 06/04/2011 15:06

Cup of tea duly raised. Here's to you Sue, say hello to my Mum up there will you

solo · 06/04/2011 15:49

Congratulations Sue Austen on living your significant life, for raising your children and loving your grandchildren. Please watch over your wonderful family and let them feel your love from Heaven.x

Ps, tell my Dad that I love him; you'll know him straight away as he's the most kindly gentleman you'll find up there.xxx