anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

In Aug 2009 I lost my mum. She had been ill for years (very bad arthritis and chest problems) but one day she went for a lie down and never woke up. It was a shock, but it was a kind of relief too.

Today my FIL passed away. he had been diagnosed with cancer (everywhere) just before Christmas and we all had time to prepare ourselves for the inevitable. It was still horrible, but seeing him deteriorate, and lose functions was so awful.

Both are now at peace - I just wish we all could be. The worst of the raw emotions is that you just don't when it will hit.

I am 6.5 months pg with DC1 and what hurts me and DH so much is that they will never meet their lovely nanna and grandad

Picturethis, I am so glad you came back.

You sound like you have so much on your plate at the moment, and I wish you love and strength.

How lovely that your Mum got to write you a letter. My Mum bought cards to write to the grandchildren (she has 6) but they never got done and are in her bedside drawer :(

And, what a lovely thing to do with the Mothers Day card.

It would have been my Mum's 68th birthday this coming Sunday, and I think I may do the same; buy a card and spill the contents of my heart. I can't believe it has only been 4 weeks; in some ways it feels forever ago :(

Anyway, I hope the funeral goes as well as it can do; it sounds as though your Mum was a very popular and special lady.

Take care.

Hello, don't know why I'm posting really but my darling mother died on 19th December and we had the funeral on 30th. I've been pretty ok really, terribly sad obviously and some tears but bearing up reasonably well on the whole. Just this morning though, I was clearing out the bottom of DD2's wardrobe, looking for a pair of shoes she wants sending to school(she boards) and came across a carrier bag. I looked inside and there was a wrapped Christmas present with a card attached, "To my lovely Grandma with lots and lots of love from DD2 and hope you have a wonderful Christmas". (She obviously did all her Christmas shopping before coming home for the holidays) Suddenly I seem to be out of control. I feel physically sick and petrified for some reason I can't comprehend. And I can't seem to stop crying at the silliest of things. (Got myself into a right state earlier over thinking DD2 had done the wrong science course ffs!!!!) Is this normal? Sorry.

Libster, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard isn't it?

I find my emotions come in waves and at any time. I have also found I have started to analyse my own family (dh and dd's) and my feelings for them.

I think what you are feeling is totally normal.

Bless your dd for getting her presents in early. :)

I too bought early (in October) and bought my Mum a pair of leather gloves. She was bed-bound from Mid November and of course never got to wear them :( I then found a gorgeous nightdress and was able to give it to Mum a week or so before Christmas. She put it on straight away and in fact passed away wearing it :(

I wish you love and strength.

It has variously surprised, shocked and saddened me that my DH almost never mentions his parents who died some years ago. In life they had a fairly close relationship but when they died, only 21 months apart, DH just moved on with hardly a backwards glance.

Sexonlegs Thank you for that. It's good to know that I'm not going crazy. I am so sorry for you, too. From what you say, your mother has passed away over the Christmas holidays too? It's dreadful, isn't it? I can cope with the tears and forgive myself for them, it's just this feeling of panic, still here this morning. It's like the feeling you get just before an exam or something only much, much worse! I'm not used to it at all. I'm usually such an "in control" type of person. It's very unsettling. Much love to you and your family.

devavueaswell, it is quite odd I grant you. I talk about mummy all the time, even before my strange "wobble" yesterday. She was so ill for so long and we are a family of great faith and the end was so very peaceful that, for her sake, I know that I am quite relieved, if that doesn't sound too callous. Had they been ill, or was it quite sudden? Perhaps, if the former, your DH is also glad for their sakes? Also, he has you doesn't he? That must be quite some comfort and help him to cope? I am separated, sadly and my ex-H was quite resentful of my relationship with my mother as he doesn't really get on with his. Maybe your DH is just a terribly well balanced person? I thought I was until yesterday.

thelibster - I lost my parents within a year of each and had other problems. Fear and panic are very common in bereavement and grief is very out of control. Often set off by something small. It does get easier with time and getting used to the feelings - e.g. you can feel OK and then suddenly feel awful again. Hope this helps.

My wonderful Dad died of cancer at home almost exactly 14 years ago. Maybe 'cos the anniversay was only a few days ago I dreamt last night that he was still alive and well and it was all a mistake. Such a nice dream. Such hugs. So sad to wake up and remember it's not true.

whitecloud Thank you, that does help greatly :) marge2 Oh yes, I can relate to that. The dreams are wonderful and wakening so very painful. I haven't actually been to bed since the day after the funeral because I can't stand to waken from the dreams. I just catnap on the sofa for 30-40 mins at a time. That way, I don't dream.

Just popping in to say hello...the thread dropped off my threads I'm on. Hope you are all Ok, coping etc :)

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry to hear of all your losses.

I too lost my mum on the 3rd of May 2010.
She died on my babys due date, who I then went onto give birth to 3 days later on the 6th.

I miss her so much and think of her everyday.
I know she would have loved to meet her beautiful grandson.

My mum had cancer and in the last week of her life deteriorated so quickly she was just a shadow of her former self.
We were all with her when she passed which was peaceful.

I still dont feel like I have grieved properly for her, and i still have my up and down days but I just take each day as it comes.

I am missing her terribly today

myflabberisgasted, what an awful time you have had :( You have had to deal with so many emotions in a short space of time; my heart goes out to you.

I am not so good either. It would have been Mum's birthday on the 6th Feb, and since then I have been very tearful. I guess it will be the case for all the special dates first time around iyswim.

Love to all of those who are feeling down.

Thank you sexonlegs, It was my mums birthday in June last year and I found the first birthday very hard. We just have to learn to let the tears out and not try and hide our emotions, which is easier said than done.

Its all the thinking "this time last year we'd have been doing....." that is hard but soon I wont be able to do that either.

I'm just rambling really, not sure why i posted!

Thinking of you all

Sorry to hear you are not good myflabber and SOL.

I had a bit of a tearful evening yesterday.
My thing is if I happen to find a receipt, I check the date. Pre November 08, I think to myself 'when my life was normal' or 'before my life fell apart' as that's when I found out Dad had cancer and caught ex out. I I find any that are dated before Aug 19th 09, I think about the fact that I still had my Dad. Probably sound like a loon, but I just do it.

I ordered a headstone for my parents grave today. I cried on the way home because it's absolutely the last thing I'll ever do for them and now I can't stop crying. It's been 14 months since mum died, surely I should be feeling a bit better by now but I'm just getting worse.

KateF :( but it is a lovely thing to do and you'll have the opportunity to go and tend their grave, sit and talk to them in a place iyswim? It must feel very final for you, but I think you can get a positive out of that headstone.

We have a plaque for my Dad, but it is not permanent; you have to pay to keep it in it's place every so many years and you can't plant anything there and some people steal stuff like the vases or urns that you put there next to the plaque; this actually happened to my Uncle; he put two plastic vases with his Wifes name on and they were pinched. He found them by walking round the gardens ~ someone had just put them by their own family members plaque complete with my Aunts name and dates!!!
We are about to order my Dad's favourite Rose bush (his one died just after he did) and have a small family thing where we plant it on top of Dad's ashes...they've been at the funeral shop since Sept 09 and I find that sad, but Mum didn't want them in the house until it was decided what to do with them. I would've taken them to my home, but I didn't want to upset Mum.

Thank you solo. My home town (where my parents are buried)is 100 miles from where I live so I'll only be able to make occasional trips to keep the grave tidy but you're right, it will be something. A rose bush is a lovely idea, I could have that in my own garden.

One of my best friends lives about 90 miles from her family grave and makes a regular trip down every two to four weeks to tend it, though she does also visit her aunt on the same day.

Hello everyone

Feeling a bit tearful today not that that's unusual. Dad died in November 2007 so you would think that I'd be getting used to it.

My mum seems to be doing well really. She has organised loads of holidays this year and is getting out and about. She finds weekends hard as most of her friends are busy and we do have her round a lot but I feel guilty when we're busy and can't see her. I feel as if I'm not keeping the promise I made to my Dad that I would look after her. My dh is great and loves having my Mum round as do my dc it's just that sometimes we're busy or we need 'family time'. I hate seeing her face fall when she asks me what we're doing at the weekend and I tell her we're busy as she knows that means we won't be seeing her.

My two brothers live abroad so I'm the only family she has here. I do see her every week when the kids come home from school but the time goes by so quickly and she always looks so sad when she leaves.

Sometimes I get cross with her which isn't fair. I know she lost her husband of 40 years and of course it is much worse for her but I did lose my Dad too. I feel as if my loss isn't as important as hers and that's why I haven't grieved properly.

I feel selfish and horrible writing this but it's not something I would or could say in RL so it feels cathartic to say it here.

Perhaps I'm just a selfish person, I don't know....:(

I think it takes so long because your subsconscious takes ages to accept that you have lost someone close. In my experience it is common to feel better and then worse again. That is cruel but you get more used to it with time.
follygirl. Of course you are not selfish and horrible for feeling grief at losing your father and wanting your grief acknowledged. If you want to cry and really grieve, do. My Mum find it hard to acknowledge my grief - if you lose a partner after so long I think it can be so overwhelming you can lose sight of the feeling of others. You are doing all you can to support her, but it is OK to feel bad yourself. With time the grief becomes more manageable, I have found.

'Sometimes I get cross with her which isn't fair. I know she lost her husband of 40 years and of course it is much worse for her but I did lose my Dad too. I feel as if my loss isn't as important as hers and that's why I haven't grieved properly.'
Follygirl, that is exactly how I feel so you are not alone in that at all.

Whitecloud, I think you are right 'My Mum find it hard to acknowledge my grief - if you lose a partner after so long I think it can be so overwhelming you can lose sight of the feeling of others.' I can't grieve yet either and a part of me feels like it''s too late to start doing so now...It'd be so much easier/better to be able to switch on the grieving process and deal with it wouldn't it...

Thanks solo and whitecloud.

I do feel as I haven't grieved properly. When Dad died I had to be Mum's rock as my two brothers are abroad. Immediately after he died she moved in with us for a while. My dc were very young at the time 3 and 1 and would get upset when I cried. Although I don't believe in hiding my emotions from them it didn't do them much good to see me in floods of tears all the time. I was able and am still able to lean on my dh but although he feels sad it isn't the same for him, he still has his parents.

I didn't want it to feel like a competition. Who is more entitled to feel grief? But it feels sometimes as if I'm not entitled to feel the loss as much as my Mum. Again, I'm wincing as I write this as it makes me out to be a complete cow. I would be completely devastated if I lost my dh and we've only been together for 13 years, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose someone you've been with for 40+ years. But still, I'd known him my entire life so for me I'd never known a life without him. For me his death seemed more unreal because of that.

Probably not making much sense and I feel as if I'm rambling but I know that some of you do understand how I feel. It's tragic that only people in the same situation as me really seem to understand how I'm feeling. The loss, the guilt, the see-saw of emotions all the time.

It's amazing that I can go days and weeks feeling okay and then it hits me like a train and I feel down again.

Follygirl, I tried explaining that very thing to my Mum. That although she'd been married to Dad for 46 years, I had known him for my entire life. I still don't think she gets it from my angle. Sad really.

solo, it does sometimes feel as if I'm doing competitive grieving which sounds ridiculous. Who is most upset at losing him?

Let's face it though, the whole thing is messed up really.

There is no right or wrong way to feel as we're all emotional beings.

I hope you do manage to grieve, perhaps we are grieving now. Perhaps it's not as cut and dry as thinking that we start to grieve or have finished grieving. I don't think you ever stop grieving for the loss of someone. It's just you get used to the pain of it.

I hope you find some peace.