anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

I turn 40 this year and my Dad died when he was 50, just over 11 years ago. This year it has just hit me so hard, I could just have ten years left, how young I feel and he must have felt so young. And next year is a Leap Year and he was born on a leap year Feb 29th and I used to get him sill cards with like 'I am 10' on this as he only had a birthday every four years so was still very young!

I still feel so lost without him. I feel anger and jelousy sometimes at other who have both parents still married and old. My lovely nighbours had both sets of their parents round for Xmas and I just felt untold grief that I never had that. My sons are 3 and 8 so never met him.

Does anyone else who has lost a parent still fele this? Like your anchor has gone? And that you will always feel a little off kilter and lost and nothing can change that?

I feel cheated and furious. It just feels extra hard this year, my parents were divorced before he died, so my family felt fractured anyway. My Mum remarried and my brother was not his biological child, so they have moved on and our family, what we all had together just seems like a movie memory, was it there at all, was it real? how can they move on and seem to forget what that core was all about?

Plus my uncle who is a twat took his ashes from me and just shoved them over the ground so I feel that I never had a proper goodbye. My Dad was a anthiest so would hate the idea of him being added to his grandparents headstone where his ashes were scattered.

I want to do something in memorial to him from me but I can't think of what. I will have a Google.

I just want to hide.

Anyway, got it out, feel better.

Carocaro, my Mum was like that after she lost her parents; her Dad was 60 and 1 week old and her Mum was 64 so my Mum just thought that she was going to die young too. She'll be 70 this June though and I'm hoping that she'll be 80+ before it's her time, though after losing my Dad, I think she's half hoping for an earlier demise :(

I too feel envious of older people still thriving whe my darling Dad has gone...though I realise that my Dad was 77 and so had more time than yours.

I got into a bit of a panic yesterday over my death; I suddenly thought about what if I was killed right now ~ what would happen? who would care for my Dc's etc...that's happened a couple of times now and is quite scary. I need to make a Will.

sorry have been AWOL, it was my Dads birthday last week

carocaro i still feel like that too, my Dad died in dec 1999 and Mom in july 2000 so it has been a few years now but i still miss them so much.
my DCs are 8yo and 6yo and keep asking about my parents, i just tell them that they would have loved them very much and they were wonderful. the time we get to share with them is never enough.

best wishes to all

Carcaro - you put it so well when you said you have lost your anchor when your parents go and feel lost in the world. However old you and they are it still feels like that.

I am having to spend time this weekend with my husband's family. They are all still together and I have lost my mother and father. I find it so lonely to be with them. Realise this is natural and am very comforted to hear that others experience this. Also that those of you further down the line, 5 or 10 years from a bereavement, can still feel bad. I sometimes think that people in RL think I should have moved on. Three and a half years for Dad and two and a half for Mum. Devestated to lose them close together. Thanks for the solidarity of this thread and to know we are not alone.

Hi there.

3 weeks yesterday Mum went :( I was doing ok, and then I had such a lovely card from my auntie (my mum's only sister) and since then I have just felt so low.

I was also interested to read about how some feel about their in-laws.

I am struggling with my feelings for my dh and dd's. I feel like they are a unit and I am on the outside. My dad says to me, you should spend time with your family, ie dh and the girls, and I just feel so isolated from them, and not like they are my family.

Thinking of you SOL. Look after yourself.

Saconlegs - I had these feelings about my own family very strongly when I was first bereaved. You would think that others would make you feel better. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that your dh and dds have not lost their mother. However much they care for your Mum it is not the same relationship as the one you had. That can make you feel very alone. I can remember feeling isolated from everyone. Grief is a very lonely thing. I can only say it gets a bit easier as time passes.

My mother died a few years ago aged 77 without my ever having met her. She abandoned me and I was brought up in care.
There have been times when I wonder what life might have been like if I had known her.
Too late now - life's too short to dwell on it.
I have my children and grandchildren.

Oh Marjorie :( it's still a sad situation though and you obviously still think of it and her. Were you much too young to remember anything at all about her? ignore that question if you'd rather...I just can't imagine what you went through.
How did you feel when you found out she had died? have you grieved at all for her ~ although, maybe you have grieved through not having known her...I am sorry anyway.

Scrawled across my social services record was the word 'Abandonment' as the reason given for being in care from birth.
She couldn't even look after the ones she put in care -after she abandoned the ones she had within her marriage, she went on to have SIXTEEN more children. All, like me, ended up in care, except for one daughter.
My mother died alone. She wanted no-one at her funeral.
I don't honestly grieve for her at all. I never knew her although it did feel quite strange on hearing of her demise that I had never even met the person who brought me into the world.

Goodness Marjorie, that is sad and horrendous; I'm so sorry for you and hope that doesn't come across as though I'm patting you on the head.
I'm taking it that your father was not on the scene either ~ has he been a part of your life at all or did you not know him?

You are obviously a good Mum and Grandma, which is wonderful.

I lost my dad on the 18th April last year, i was only just 26 when he died, and he was just 51. I find it so difficult most days, especially as my son has taken my Dad's bright ginger hair, however this gives me a reason to smile :)
It's easier now then it was at the beginning, my mother and father were already divorced as well, and i'm an only child, so really felt like i had no-one who could know how i felt,my mother is that self obsessed she didn't even go to his funeral, instead went for a weekend away with her partner to York
I'm glad i knew my father and had time to be with him, i just feel cheated to have lost him and that my son lost his grandad at 16 month without even really knowing him, he does things somedays and i think, "i wish dad had seen you do that" :)
My husband also 26 still has both his parents and it does sometimes feel lonely, that he has them, cause i don't have my dad and my mother isn't exactly always interested, except when her and partner fall out [angry}

solo never met my father either.
In terms of grief, I don't grieve for either of them - just for what might have been.

My darling Mum died yesterday evening, she was only 62. It was very peaceful and we were all with her, it was lovely if that's what you could describe it as. Sleep did not come easily for me last night. I feel a bit numb, just going through the motions but detached from it all. I feel utterly exhausted but unable to switch off. I keep thinking of how yesterday she was here, 48 hours ago we were having a conversation and now she's gone. Yesterday in the hospice before she died, I put my head next to hers on her pillow, listened to the sound of her breathing and tried very hard to commit her 'mum smell' to memory. Today she's everywhere and nowhere.

PictureThis how sad to lose your mom i hope that you find comfort in that she had you and her family with her.

we are all in that position here and there is always someone to chat to - look after yourself

Marjorie, I think I understand the grief that you mention ~ or at least why you have it. You are very welcome here on this thread. I guess your grief is still attached to the loss of your parents, just not in the same way as the death separation that others on here have/are experiencing.

Lisa, welcome to the thread. It must be even more a stab in the heart losing a beloved parent at such a young age.

I think a lot of divorced people feel as your Mum did and I imagine that there's a huge % that don't attend the funeral of their ex. It doesn't mean that they aren't thinking about their exh/w though, just that they either can't face going or just don't want to as it's a part of their own life that they're separated from.

PictureThis, I am so very sorry you have lost your mum.

PictureThis, welcome to our thread. I hope you will find a little comfort here, but I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum...
your post made me cry a little. Smell is such a provocative sense isn't it? I hope you have managed to keep it.

The numbness is a normal response I think. You must though, remember to look after your needs. Eat and drink as you will definitely need to keep your strengh up, both for yourself and your family.
Come back and chat with us about your lovely Mum when you are ready.

Picturethis, really pleased you found this thread. Hope you are ok. x

Talking of "mum smells", I have my Mum's perfume. Dad and I sorted some of Mum's things on her dressing table, and I jumped at the chance to have her perfume- Chanel No 19, and I have worn it every day.

That's nice SOL.

When one of my friends was emptying her Mums house, her aunt fround some lipstick blots on a few tissues and went to throw them away. My friend rescued them and has them in a frame on her dressing table which I thought was lovely. My own Mum doesn't wear makeup or perfume, so I wont have anything like that when the time comes...

How are you all?

Hi Solo and others.

I had a down day yesterday; it was 4 weeks ago that Mum went.

Dad and I went shoppping for some bits, and he was v quiet. He told me that him and Mum had gone on their first date on the 28th Jan, 48 years ago. They had gone to the cinema in London.

I spoke to him later on, and he was so so sad on the phone; it breaks my heart. I hate hate hate the fact that Mum is not here anymore. DD2 (3), was singing the other day, and I thought Mum would love to have seen this. DD2 and Mum had such a lovely bond.

Sorry for the rant.

How is eveyrone else. How are you Solo?

Sorry you are feeling down SOL and rant away, we don't mind.

It does get easier in the long term I think, but then it catches you off guard at the most odd moments IME. I saw an old fashioned car at the end of Autumn and thought/said to myself: I wish I could take a photo of that to show Dad; he'd love that :(
My Dad would just love to see and chat to my Dd now too...she was very special to him I think (as was my Ds, but he is so much older and independant) and she loved her Grandad very much, but was only 20 months when he died, so has limited memories of him which is what I find gives me the worst kind of sadness. Not long after Dad went (maybe 6 months), I asked her if she missed Grandad and she said 'no' and whilst I know that that is the nature of a young child, I still feel sad over that...she's 4 now and I just know that as each day passes, she remembers him less and less for herself iyswim .

My DD made me laugh this morning. She asked me if my mum was now living in the same house in heaven as my friend's mum who died 14 months ago. For an easy life I said yes. She then asked me 'so does Jesus live down the road from them then?'. Oh how it made me chuckle.

I went up to Mum and Dad's the other day to pick up some bits to take to the funeral directors. On the table was Mum's pyjama top, the one she was wearing when she died. Without even thinking I picked it up and smelt it. It hadn't been washed and I was instantly comforted by her smell. Isn't it funny how scent is so evocative. Not an hour of the waking day passes without her being in my thoughts. She wrote all of us a letter each before she died which we opened after her death. I sleep with mine under my pillow, silly really but it's her handwriting and it makes me feel close to her. I miss her so much.

The funeral is on Friday. We've had to change the venue to accomodate the number of people who have indicated that they want to come. Even the Registrar who registered Mum's death knew Mum from day hospice...a total surprise to us and she asked if we minded if she came to the funeral. The support and response from friends and colleagues in RL has been utterly astonishing. Dad said "what a shame your Mum isn't here to see this, she really had no idea how well thought of she was."
The sympathy cards are still coming through the door. One of my very good friends wrote something in hers that I found very comforting and this is it:

Maybe they are not stars that shine in the sky, but rather openings to heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they're happy.

I just love it.

Before Mum died and while she was in the hospice I bought a Mother's day card. I told Mum I'd done it and that I would give it to her the next time I came up to see her. Sadly, I kept forgetting it and then she died. On Thursday I took it out of the wrapping and in it wrote a letter. It was quite cathartic. I then took it to the undertaker for him to put in with her. This year at least, although somewhat weirdly, I'll take some comfort from the fact that I managed to give my mum a card.

In addition to the funeral this week, I have no kitchen. We're getting a new one fitted as well as some structural work done at the same time. As a result I'm living in Bedlam! A house full of brick dust and washing up in the bath. My new mantra is 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' If I say it often enough I might start to believe it.

PictureThis firstly sending you strength for Friday and i wanted to say that these are lovely words about your mom.

i am sure we would all like to turn the clock back and tell our missed ones exactly how much they meant to us.