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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
aristocat · 04/01/2011 11:00

x-posts LBADG i think your colleagues dont know what else to say and are just trying to be polite.
those who have lost someone would understand, please dont be hard on yourself

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 04/01/2011 19:18

Thanks astro, I work in a very active part of the building so have had about 50-70 people ask me. Was having a wobblery moment when I posted.

Dad passed away at the end of nov and I have started having a few bad days, but that's normal right?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 04/01/2011 19:19

Thanks astro, I work in a very active part of the building so have had about 50-70 people ask me. Was having a wobblery moment when I posted.

Dad passed away at the end of nov and I have started having a few bad days, but that's normal right?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 04/01/2011 19:21

Thanks astro, I work in a very active part of the building so have had about 50-70 people ask me. Was having a wobblery moment when I posted.

Dad passed away at the end of nov and I have started having a few bad days, but that's normal right?

solo · 07/01/2011 14:14

Sorry to see others on here for the first time, but welcome to you anyway...

DaddysGirl, it is entirely normal to feel that way. It is also normal to have great times too and you shouldn't feel guilty about those times. You may also suddenly feel dreadful again after a long time feeling Ok. I believe that it's all quite normal and that almost everyone goes through it.

Hannahsmum, I'm sure that you will cope if you choose to keep the new baby; I'm teetering on congratulating you...perhaps a new baby will help you to cope rather than hinder iyswim? It's wonderful that you have a supportive husband too. Take care and be kind to yourself.

solo · 10/01/2011 00:27

Just checking in. Is everyone Ok?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 11/01/2011 06:34

I had a mc a few days after dad died and I am pg again, just can't seem to get very excited. Seeing the midwife on thu so hopefully will get an early scan but will be due in the same month as dads birthday. He loved spending so much time with my dd as he felt he'd misers out with my brother and I cause he worked such long hours. I couldn't cope if the due date was his birthday

solo · 11/01/2011 15:32

Yes you can DaddysGirl and I'm absolutely certain you will :) it may be hard, but you are stronger than you know.
Maybe a little of your Dad will a big part of your new baby. I'm afraid I'm quite a strong believer in the spirit continuing on and possibly within another life. I find it comforting.
Take care of yourself.x

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 11/01/2011 21:32

Tbh solo I think that's why I couldn't understand about the mc feel I must have really done something wrong, I know that shouldn't be true afterall I didn't know I was pg but I do.

solo · 11/01/2011 22:06

I can totally relate to how you feel there :( I have thought for the past 30+ years that I'm being punished for something. It took me 12 years to fall pg for the very first time; my head was spinning, I was happy, angry, scared ~ every emotion you can think of and for lots of reasons...just as I got used to the idea, I started bleeding and lost him though I questioned the doctor at the hospital, begged her to ensure that he couldn't possibly still be alive, but she said there was no heart beat. I went to sleep and had a dream, a kind of premonition where I saw my son and he waved goodbye, so I knew and I accepted finally that there was no hope...I fell into a deep depression, totally inconsolable. Another two years almost to the first EDD, I gave birth to my Ds.
I really do understand what you say, I do, but I feel that you need to cut yourself some slack, reconsile anything that you feel you need to with yourself and look forward to your new baby. I know how hard it can be as I spent the whole of my second pregnancy and way beyond it in great depression and despair (thought that something was bound to go wrong with number 2), but in doing that, I did not enjoy the process and I regret that.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 12/01/2011 04:46

Oh solo you've had a terrible time how do you stay so positive? you ve got it spot on I am worried I'm not going to enjoy this plus then I am so do scared I'm going to get pnd. I scared about being worried and scared in case it makes me lose the baby and can't get rid of this feeling that I lost the baby because of being upset about my dad.

solo · 12/01/2011 16:32

I'm actually a glass half empty type of person DG; 'if something can go wrong for me, it probably will' kinda thing, but I have recently started to try to see and be grateful for what I do have. I always wanted 3 children, but I have to see just how lucky I am having had two as the odds were completely against me with fertility problems and having a partner that was not happy with the pg (x2 ptns with 4 pg's!!). I have ME, but am stubborn enough to keep going most of the time...

I just think that as hard as it can be, what will be, will be. You can't change your fate, but you can work with it. My Dads time came at age 77 through cancer...he chose to stop smoking 40 years too late; he knew it, but he had sealed his fate and had to accept it even though he wasn't ready, but in going through this, hopefully he has saved my brother from the same fate as he stopped smoking.

I'm sorry, I've gone on a bit, but what I'm trying to say is this:

Try to enjoy what you have, your family, your pregnancy, your memories, because when (God willing) you have your new baby in your arms, the pregnancy is over and you cannot enjoy it again. It's my biggest regret through depression and then circumstance (with Dd) that I have no joyful memories of either pregnancy and I now never will :(

Your Darling Dad is watching over you and he would not want you to be dwelling on him and stressing yourself out; he will definitely be wanting you to remember him with great love and be loving your new bump ~ his new Grandchild.

I'm sorry, I've got quite emotional here but I just know what I missed and hate the thought that someone else will go through it too...
Tell me to bog off. I'll go now.

AliGrylls · 14/01/2011 00:30

My dad passed away today. I feel weird. I don't seem to be feeling anything. I haven't cried. I just want to think about him.

solo · 14/01/2011 10:04

My sympathies to you AliGrylls :(
If you want to talk about it on here, feel free; you can tell us about your Dad or how he passed ~ or not, it's up to you entirely. We've all been in your shoes with varying circumstances, but we've all lost at least one parent.
It took me a very long time to cry and even now, I haven't grieved and it's been 17 months...

Take care of yourself and remember to eat and drink.

LilRedWG · 14/01/2011 14:39

I'm so sorry AliGrylls. I second solo, just take each day/minute/hour as it comes. However you feel, go with it and do not feel guilty for not crying - you will when you are ready.

Do make sure that you eat and drink, as solo also says, as your body and mind may forget to remind you, but you need to keep your physical strength and health up.

Take good care of yourself and remember that we are here as and when you need us, whether to cry, remember your Dad to or tell ridiculous black comedy moments to.

x

solo · 18/01/2011 00:57

Hello all...how are we doing?

I have decided today that I need help. I seriously need counselling, but I'm not sure where I can get this from that is free. I know the GP's surgery does it, but I think I need bereavement counselling, not 'general' iyswim.
My need is not just tied to my Dad's death, but to the many that crossed my life in such a short time.
Anyone know of anything please?

LilRedWG · 18/01/2011 14:11

I got mine through the hospice who Dad was under (he never went in, but they came out to provide care). Other than that, speak to your GP - they should be able to provide names of bereavement councellors. Sorry I can't be more help. xx

I'm very up and down at the moment. It's only a short of weeks now until the second anniversary of Dad's death and then that is followed very closely my Mum's. My baby is going to be born the day after Dad's anniversary. Am very scared of doing this without Mum and Dad. :(

solo · 18/01/2011 14:49

Thank you LilRed.

I think you are stronger than you know and will ge through it all really well even if it is not easy for you. Take care of yourself and be gentle with your sadness; you are allowed to be sad, we all are...

solo · 18/01/2011 14:51

Meant to say that Mum was offered counselling through the hospice, but I wasn't and assumed I wasn't entitled to it from them. I wonder if it's worth contacting them. It's 17 months tomorrow :(

LilRedWG · 18/01/2011 15:45

:( Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

My sister said no on behalf of us all (hmm), so I called them up a year later and they were great. Even if they can't provide, they will be able to point you to someone who can. Let me know how you get on. xx

solo · 18/01/2011 15:50

Thank you, I will :)

whatdoiknowanyway · 19/01/2011 09:18

Solo I had counseling over a year after my mum died. It really helped.
It was her fifth anniversary yesterday. Last night I dreamt I was with my family and suddenly my mum was there on the sofa. She looked a bit shy but great. I shouted 'Mum' and went to give her a hug. Felt inhibited about talking to her as I could see everyone else thought I was mad- no one else could see her.
We talked a little and then i woke up.
Bit shaken about it now.

solo · 19/01/2011 15:32

Aw whatdo, I love dreaming about my Dad, but it's so sad when I wake up to reality.

Are you Ok?

whatdoiknowanyway · 19/01/2011 16:32

Thanks Solo.I'm ok. Just needed to tell someone not in RL. It was just so strange when it was on her 5 th anniversary.

solo · 19/01/2011 17:41

Maybe she was just saying hello to you in her own way (not sure if you believe in that sort of thing; I certainly do). She was also on your mind ~ especially with her anniversary, so not surprising that you dreamed of her.

Take care of yourself :)