stillborn twin - feeling really low, anyone else gone through this?

[Eeek]

Hi

I have posted before but am mainly a lurker so I hope you don't mind this one dropping in.

The header says it all really, one of my twins was stillborn, one born healthy and doing really well. I'm coping pretty well most of the time but today it's really hit me that no-one mentions my dead twin. It's as if he never existed for everyone else, as if because I have the healthy one, everything must be OK. This week was bound to be hard as it's a kind of anniversary but it's hitting me much more than I expected.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope with the real anniversaries?

[WideWebWitch]

Eek, I've only just seen this thread and I'm so sorry about your baby. What about contacting the NCT and asking if there's anyone on their experiences register who's been in the same situation? Lewei, thinking of you too.

[Brookstone]

eeek,
i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your twin.i have to agree with everything lewei said.
i had a sb little boy a year ago this month.as his anniversary is approaching i just have no idea how i will react. i'm also pregnant again and have 8 weeks to go so family and friends are solely focusing on this new baby and the preparations for its much longed-for arrival...but sometimes i want to scream at them that this baby doesn't mean that our first-born should be forgotten. like lewei, i'm always visiting his grave and am constantly mentioning his name-i refuse to allow anyone to make me feel uncomfortable about mentioning my child.
i often wonder how this pending birth will be as my only experience has been a still-birth but i know that my ds will give me the strength to cope with everything that life will throw at me.

just keep remembering your sb baby. keep mentioning baby's name, incorporate your lost baby into conversations, (if it's not too difficult for you to do) in order to get others to realise that, although you are over-the-moon to have your ds with you, his twin is forever part of you and your family.

i hope this makes sense and i'm sorry for rambling so much!

[FatGaijin]

Hello Eeek - and Teletubby and Kittie and Lewei and Brookstone and all the rest...
just read this thread for the first time, I'm pregnant with twins - only 16 weeks - and I do understand a little of how you feel, Eeek. Every baby is a presence and an individual, however long or short his or her life is. I really want to say something that would help you a little! But all I can think of is that while you were pregnant with both of them, you and your ds and the ds who's still with you had a close and loving and valid relationship. Even though your dead son was only with you for such a short time, I hope you know that you nurtured and cared for him as well as you possibly could, and there is absolutely no blame at all on you or your other ds; instead, the two of you were good company for him during his short life.

As for grieving, it's no-ones business but your own. Light candles, leave flowers, write him letters, read him poems, do lots of physical things to mark his anniversary, and as long as none of the rest of your family is left trying to get your attention, do that for as long as you want to. To me, it's a healthy thing that you're still grieving. It shows that you know he was a real person who was with you for a short time and who you loved and miss even now - and who was and is pefect as he had no time to be anything else....

I hope this and everyone else's posts have helped a little. Love to all of you.

[Eeek]

I've been off line for a couple of days and only just come back to all these messages. I'm so grateful for the support. I'm going for a sniff and a calm down now. thank you all

[Brookstone]

Thanks FatGaijin for your really nice post. It has given me some ideas on how to mark my little one's forthcoming anniversary.

[throckenholt]

Someone on a twins groups I read is just going through this. She was told that Tamba does conselling for bereaved twin parents, and also that the number is now a free phone one - not sure what it is but maybe worth looking at their website, and contacting them again.

[Clarinet60]

I'm so sorry Eeek, for the loss of your baby.
I lost DS2's twin early in pregnancy and know how that feels, so it must be even more heartbreaking for you. I know what you mean about looking at him and imagining the other little one who's missing. There have been some lovely posts already, but one thing that has helped me is a framed postcard of twin babies with a poem on my dressing table. I look at it every day. The poem is filched from a Robbie song (Summer Dreaming), as I found it particularly apt.

A friend's first baby was stillborn 6 years ago and many people around her discourage her from mentioning him, but she goes ahead and talks about him anyway, thank goodness, and visits his grave, etc. I don't know why people want the bereaved to switch off; it's a subject I've talked about in other threads.
Eeek, I hope you find comfort from something like SANDS, and keep posting here if it helps.

[bebop]

I find it hard to look at my twins scans which I lost at 12weeks, even though I have had almost a month (m\c 9 aug) to come to terms to have a photo framed is too much of a reminder. I have 8month girl she is what keeps me going and I look at her for inspiration. I feel for you all, and even though all this experience is new to me I do seem slightly stronger with a new appreciation of life. Help me be strong, I have christening of twins and a new born boy on Sunday, this will be a test on how I can cope. thanks, bebop

[Eeek]

I'm so sorry. I don't think you come to terms with a tragedy such as a m/c in a month. Be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time (as much as your 8mo allows anyway ).

Do many people know what's happened? I'd suggest you ensure you've got an escape route planned just in case it all gets a bit much. Can your dh/p take your dd if necessary and let you hide for a while?

I hope things get easier for you.

[bebop]

Thanks Eeek I have not told the people yet, how do you drop that in while they are asking you to their babies christening? But I will tell some there and i have an escape plan, babies often need their nappies changed. I know you can't put a time on it, but when will I recover? I don't feel numb anymore, and nobody is to blame, but every so often a wee thing sets of a feeling in me. And my dreams can be really distressing, the best thing is reading here and knowing I am not the only one. Thanks..Bebop

[bebop]

dear Eeek, I just read your first letter and my heart goes out to you, you are so brave. I realise you cannot answer my questions because you are going through the same experiences. Thinking of you, and grateful for your kind words, Bebop.

[quackers]

Please forgive me for not posting, feel bad but just didn't know what to say and couldn't type without getting upset myself. Eeek, I'm so sorry for what has happened, it's so cruel. I can only say that I'm thinking of you and know that all our angels are together somewhere in a more peaceful place. Bebop, you have only just had your m/c and if u feel anything like me then it will still be really raw(my last m/c was 1/8.03). I'll be thinking of you too. I have booked to see an aromatherapist/refelxologist/counsellor to get all the grief out and anger, perhaps a treatment or session like this would relax you, even if it's just for an hour or so. It's not an answer I know but a little time out from the constant bashing around of it in your head. Sending lots of hugs and love to you both. xxxxxxxxxx

[quackers]

Bebop, just wanted to say it will take a while to accept what has happened and I think that has been my problem, just accepting it has happend. I'm so angry and bitter and cry lots. A month is still very very early days. I had my first m/c in March at 15 weeks, but the baby was 8-9 weeks. They beleive it was twins though.I still wasn't over that but desperately wanted to conceive again and I did but lost that one last month at 6 weeks. It changes your life completely doesn't it and my head has no room for anything else at the moment. Didn't want to gon about my sit, but just thought it might help to know we're not alone. LOLxxxxxxxx

[bebop]

Hi quackers, thanks for your kind words. The christening was okay, apart from people wishing congratulations on the new baby, then avoiding me when they found out from other people. But things got better, they are family and understanding, anyway the day was about a lovely wee boy, not me. And I could show off my wee girl with her new dress and ponytail.
I hope you are feeling better, the aromatherapy sounds like a good idea. Thinking of you x

[quackers]

Oh Bebop, I'm glad it is one hurdle over for you now. I've got my due date next Wednesday - dreading it. Thinking of you, Take care Qxxxxx

[Eeek]

dear Q - thanks for the note. I appreciate the thought given all that you're going through yourself. I know what you mean about dreading your due date(s). Life seems to fill up with anniversaries, each one to be worked through. And yet they're just days like any other. My special days are 21 Nov when twin1 died, and 21 Dec when they were born. Like you I'm dreading them.

Will you be able to take some time on the day for yourself, to grieve, be angry, whatever? If you're religious could you head for a service? Although I'm not Christian I found the services at St Paul's helpful - just that space to think things through. Or could you go somewhere peaceful that's special to you and your family? Or even go for the wake idea? I'll be thinking of you over the next few days. Tell us how you're getting on will you?

[bebop]

Hi Q, thanks my first hurdle was high but I jumped it, so I am ready for the next, thankyou. I will be thinking of you, let us know the date. goodluck!

[quackers]

Oh thanks you 2, you;re very sweet and have so much on your own plates, but I do get loads of comfort from reading your messages and hope u do too. I thought I was off work that day as I'm part time(17/9) but I'm not, however the boss is not in so it should be fairly quiet. I might ask my Mum to look after dd the day before for a littel while so I get chance to have some time to myself. At least I've stopped bleeding now, so the physical symtoms are going. Bebop, have you got over the physical bit now?? After the first mc there was still bits of stuff and it I had loads of wierd bleeding but this second m/c has put that right oddly enough. Just waiting to ov again and try again. Thanks again LOLxxxxx Quacks

[bebop]

Hi Q,keep going. After my m\c the sacks were still inside for a week, then my womb had some things to heal up, but everythings back to normal. The other night, exactly a month after, my period came, what a reminder. Even though my hubby's great he can't understand me counting weeks, he thinks I should try move on. But I don't think I will ever stop, but it is not to dwell, just think. I don't want another baby right now though, just spend time with my wee doll, who is almost crawling!
Lots luv x

[quackers]

It's good that u got your Period, it reaffirms you're able to go and try again and that your body is amazing and resets itself! You take your time and count if you need to. It gets less as you can't remeber all those weeks as it goes further on, but then you deal with milestones and then they get less and evetually it just sits at the back of your mind rather than the front. LOLxxxx

[gorgy]

Dear Eeek,

I stumbled across this website last weekend and have only just had the time to myself to reply,i read the letters with tears streaming down my face. I don't know if i will be much help to you but by just knowing that you are out there has helped me. I too had a stillborn twin 2yrs ago last July. It was a third pregnancy and i developed pre eclampsia at 29 weeks. My little girl had died and her brother had to be delivered straight away for both our sakes. The early days are a blur as both our healths were at stake and i also had two little boys at home to worry about, but after five weeks on special care we were all home.
Two years on i wish i could say to you that things get better but i am still suffering from the loss.
As you say everyone focuses on the living twin and no one mentions the other one but after carrying them for seven months it is hard to forget. You rang a chord when you said that when you baby was a certain age you related that to the time the other one had been living. I had forgotten but i did exactly the same.
Due dates, birthdays, christening dates, funeral dates, the list is endless and each one is another bridge to cross.
I found the second birthday worse than the first as i had the added burden of comments like she should be over it by now etc.
The fact that i have three boys and lost a girl has added to my suffering. I was never one to desperatly wish for one sex or the other but it seemed a cruel twist of fate that i lost a girl.
Our little boy is doing well and is the joy of our life, he is very funny and seems to have his own very special character. My husband and i still find it hard looking at him and expecting to see someone by his side, to us there is always someone missing. I even find it hard when he plays with someone his own age.
I could ramble on forever so i will stop for today. I don't want to make you feel worse. I hope that by knowing someone else is out there and that the feelings you have are normal will help you get through these dark days.
I'm sure things do get better but you will never forget, which is how it should be. I think the thing to realise is that only you know how you feel and do things for yourself as opposed to what other people think you should be doing, otherwise the healing process probably takes even longer.

[quackers]

Gorgy, what a lovely post. I am very moved by your words. I hope it is a comfort to you knowing there are other here in the same position. EEek and bebop particulary. Thinking of youxxxxx

[bebop]

Hi gorgy welcome to somewhere you can talk to others who understand, and have no judgement. I just discovered this haven a couple of weeks ago, and it keeps me going. Hi to quackers too, and thanks for the advice.
LOLXX

[gorgy]

Hi everyone,
Up early with little one! Thought i would just check to see if anyone had replied to message, i was amazed and so pleased to see two.It was a great help to put some things down in words and i felt so much better afterwards. Thanks for your support.

[kittie]

Gorgy,I know how you feel and about dates annviersaries,even funeral dates are always on you mind and looking at other children and esoecially you,looking at you own thinking he/she should be doing this and that he/she would be this age now and it's hard to think of your baby getting older and growing up because in your eyes it's a baby you lost. I have lost two babies one boy and one girl two seperate pregancies,but they were so close together (7mths appart) they have sort of emerged into one. little boy was stillborn at 34wks and little girl was prem at 24wks she lived for 2hrs well she was breathing but never cried or moved. I know how you feel about the second annviersry being worst i have just had the 2nd annviersary for my little girl and people do think you should be over it and that it must be easier for you,but it's not the day is still hard. Times and dates are the worst things to cope with,well I think so. I can fully understand how you all must feel and hope that we can be comfort for each other. keep your chin up and mention your baby whenever you want to beacuse people will be glad that you have mentioned their name as its easier for them to talk if you have said their name they know that you want to talk about the baby you lost and not to forget the baby you had.
best wishes to you all.