stillborn twin - feeling really low, anyone else gone through this?

[Eeek]

Hi

I have posted before but am mainly a lurker so I hope you don't mind this one dropping in.

The header says it all really, one of my twins was stillborn, one born healthy and doing really well. I'm coping pretty well most of the time but today it's really hit me that no-one mentions my dead twin. It's as if he never existed for everyone else, as if because I have the healthy one, everything must be OK. This week was bound to be hard as it's a kind of anniversary but it's hitting me much more than I expected.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope with the real anniversaries?

[butterflymum]

Mellon, are you still around? How are you feeling today? Hopefully, if you have contacted some of the organisations suggested, you are getting the support you deserve and need. Don't forget to let us know.

Thinking of you. Take care.

butterfly

[bunny2]

Mellon, I am so sorry. Please come here for support when you need it.

[Quackers]

I am so sorry for your losses mellon. Do you feel like chatting to some of us. There are people here who have suffered the degree of loss you have any may be able to offer some support. Mumsnet is very supportive and there is always someone to listen and very often someone who has experienced the same /similar situation. Lots of love and hugs xxx Was this very recently??

[butterflymum]

Mellon, I am so sorry to hear your dreadful news. Although it will not give you answers, you may find it helpful to read some more about other mumsnetters with experience of Strep B on this thread. Also, you may find it helpful to speak with Jane or one of the others at Group B Strep Support Group , if you haven't already done so.

Throckenholt's suggestion is good and there are other organisations which you can contact (eg SANDS).

You sound as if you want to talk about this and that is important. Answers may not always be there, but you will get lots of support, encouragement and help from fellow mumsnetters or staff at the various agencies suggested. Through talking, you may eventually find some way of coping and be able to move forward.

butterfly

[throckenholt]

TAMBA run a freephone help line that you can ring - it may well help to talk things through with people who know what you are going through.

The number is 0800 138 0509 (Mon-Fri 7-10pm, weekends 10am-10pm)

they also have an email [email protected]

[mellon1971]

I LOST MY TWINS AT 21 WEEKS AND NEARLY DIED MYSELF THROUGH HAVING STEP B WHICH THEY KNEW ABOUT WHEN I WAS 17WKS WHY

[quackers]

Kittie, I'm so sorry for your losses. I have a lovely verse sent to me by my very good friend as it is the due date of my first loss this week. It is so apt for this thread and I will type it all in the next day or 2. I just know it will be such a comfort to all on here. LOL to you xxxxxxx

[kittie]

Gorgy,I know how you feel and about dates annviersaries,even funeral dates are always on you mind and looking at other children and esoecially you,looking at you own thinking he/she should be doing this and that he/she would be this age now and it's hard to think of your baby getting older and growing up because in your eyes it's a baby you lost. I have lost two babies one boy and one girl two seperate pregancies,but they were so close together (7mths appart) they have sort of emerged into one. little boy was stillborn at 34wks and little girl was prem at 24wks she lived for 2hrs well she was breathing but never cried or moved. I know how you feel about the second annviersry being worst i have just had the 2nd annviersary for my little girl and people do think you should be over it and that it must be easier for you,but it's not the day is still hard. Times and dates are the worst things to cope with,well I think so. I can fully understand how you all must feel and hope that we can be comfort for each other. keep your chin up and mention your baby whenever you want to beacuse people will be glad that you have mentioned their name as its easier for them to talk if you have said their name they know that you want to talk about the baby you lost and not to forget the baby you had.
best wishes to you all.

[gorgy]

Hi everyone,
Up early with little one! Thought i would just check to see if anyone had replied to message, i was amazed and so pleased to see two.It was a great help to put some things down in words and i felt so much better afterwards. Thanks for your support.

[bebop]

Hi gorgy welcome to somewhere you can talk to others who understand, and have no judgement. I just discovered this haven a couple of weeks ago, and it keeps me going. Hi to quackers too, and thanks for the advice.
LOLXX

[quackers]

Gorgy, what a lovely post. I am very moved by your words. I hope it is a comfort to you knowing there are other here in the same position. EEek and bebop particulary. Thinking of youxxxxx

[gorgy]

Dear Eeek,

I stumbled across this website last weekend and have only just had the time to myself to reply,i read the letters with tears streaming down my face. I don't know if i will be much help to you but by just knowing that you are out there has helped me. I too had a stillborn twin 2yrs ago last July. It was a third pregnancy and i developed pre eclampsia at 29 weeks. My little girl had died and her brother had to be delivered straight away for both our sakes. The early days are a blur as both our healths were at stake and i also had two little boys at home to worry about, but after five weeks on special care we were all home.
Two years on i wish i could say to you that things get better but i am still suffering from the loss.
As you say everyone focuses on the living twin and no one mentions the other one but after carrying them for seven months it is hard to forget. You rang a chord when you said that when you baby was a certain age you related that to the time the other one had been living. I had forgotten but i did exactly the same.
Due dates, birthdays, christening dates, funeral dates, the list is endless and each one is another bridge to cross.
I found the second birthday worse than the first as i had the added burden of comments like she should be over it by now etc.
The fact that i have three boys and lost a girl has added to my suffering. I was never one to desperatly wish for one sex or the other but it seemed a cruel twist of fate that i lost a girl.
Our little boy is doing well and is the joy of our life, he is very funny and seems to have his own very special character. My husband and i still find it hard looking at him and expecting to see someone by his side, to us there is always someone missing. I even find it hard when he plays with someone his own age.
I could ramble on forever so i will stop for today. I don't want to make you feel worse. I hope that by knowing someone else is out there and that the feelings you have are normal will help you get through these dark days.
I'm sure things do get better but you will never forget, which is how it should be. I think the thing to realise is that only you know how you feel and do things for yourself as opposed to what other people think you should be doing, otherwise the healing process probably takes even longer.

[quackers]

It's good that u got your Period, it reaffirms you're able to go and try again and that your body is amazing and resets itself! You take your time and count if you need to. It gets less as you can't remeber all those weeks as it goes further on, but then you deal with milestones and then they get less and evetually it just sits at the back of your mind rather than the front. LOLxxxx

[bebop]

Hi Q,keep going. After my m\c the sacks were still inside for a week, then my womb had some things to heal up, but everythings back to normal. The other night, exactly a month after, my period came, what a reminder. Even though my hubby's great he can't understand me counting weeks, he thinks I should try move on. But I don't think I will ever stop, but it is not to dwell, just think. I don't want another baby right now though, just spend time with my wee doll, who is almost crawling!
Lots luv x

[quackers]

Oh thanks you 2, you;re very sweet and have so much on your own plates, but I do get loads of comfort from reading your messages and hope u do too. I thought I was off work that day as I'm part time(17/9) but I'm not, however the boss is not in so it should be fairly quiet. I might ask my Mum to look after dd the day before for a littel while so I get chance to have some time to myself. At least I've stopped bleeding now, so the physical symtoms are going. Bebop, have you got over the physical bit now?? After the first mc there was still bits of stuff and it I had loads of wierd bleeding but this second m/c has put that right oddly enough. Just waiting to ov again and try again. Thanks again LOLxxxxx Quacks

[bebop]

Hi Q, thanks my first hurdle was high but I jumped it, so I am ready for the next, thankyou. I will be thinking of you, let us know the date. goodluck!

[Eeek]

dear Q - thanks for the note. I appreciate the thought given all that you're going through yourself. I know what you mean about dreading your due date(s). Life seems to fill up with anniversaries, each one to be worked through. And yet they're just days like any other. My special days are 21 Nov when twin1 died, and 21 Dec when they were born. Like you I'm dreading them.

Will you be able to take some time on the day for yourself, to grieve, be angry, whatever? If you're religious could you head for a service? Although I'm not Christian I found the services at St Paul's helpful - just that space to think things through. Or could you go somewhere peaceful that's special to you and your family? Or even go for the wake idea? I'll be thinking of you over the next few days. Tell us how you're getting on will you?

[quackers]

Oh Bebop, I'm glad it is one hurdle over for you now. I've got my due date next Wednesday - dreading it. Thinking of you, Take care Qxxxxx

[bebop]

Hi quackers, thanks for your kind words. The christening was okay, apart from people wishing congratulations on the new baby, then avoiding me when they found out from other people. But things got better, they are family and understanding, anyway the day was about a lovely wee boy, not me. And I could show off my wee girl with her new dress and ponytail.
I hope you are feeling better, the aromatherapy sounds like a good idea. Thinking of you x

[quackers]

Bebop, just wanted to say it will take a while to accept what has happened and I think that has been my problem, just accepting it has happend. I'm so angry and bitter and cry lots. A month is still very very early days. I had my first m/c in March at 15 weeks, but the baby was 8-9 weeks. They beleive it was twins though.I still wasn't over that but desperately wanted to conceive again and I did but lost that one last month at 6 weeks. It changes your life completely doesn't it and my head has no room for anything else at the moment. Didn't want to gon about my sit, but just thought it might help to know we're not alone. LOLxxxxxxxx

[quackers]

Please forgive me for not posting, feel bad but just didn't know what to say and couldn't type without getting upset myself. Eeek, I'm so sorry for what has happened, it's so cruel. I can only say that I'm thinking of you and know that all our angels are together somewhere in a more peaceful place. Bebop, you have only just had your m/c and if u feel anything like me then it will still be really raw(my last m/c was 1/8.03). I'll be thinking of you too. I have booked to see an aromatherapist/refelxologist/counsellor to get all the grief out and anger, perhaps a treatment or session like this would relax you, even if it's just for an hour or so. It's not an answer I know but a little time out from the constant bashing around of it in your head. Sending lots of hugs and love to you both. xxxxxxxxxx

[bebop]

dear Eeek, I just read your first letter and my heart goes out to you, you are so brave. I realise you cannot answer my questions because you are going through the same experiences. Thinking of you, and grateful for your kind words, Bebop.

[bebop]

Thanks Eeek I have not told the people yet, how do you drop that in while they are asking you to their babies christening? But I will tell some there and i have an escape plan, babies often need their nappies changed. I know you can't put a time on it, but when will I recover? I don't feel numb anymore, and nobody is to blame, but every so often a wee thing sets of a feeling in me. And my dreams can be really distressing, the best thing is reading here and knowing I am not the only one. Thanks..Bebop

[Eeek]

I'm so sorry. I don't think you come to terms with a tragedy such as a m/c in a month. Be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time (as much as your 8mo allows anyway ).

Do many people know what's happened? I'd suggest you ensure you've got an escape route planned just in case it all gets a bit much. Can your dh/p take your dd if necessary and let you hide for a while?

I hope things get easier for you.

[bebop]

I find it hard to look at my twins scans which I lost at 12weeks, even though I have had almost a month (m\c 9 aug) to come to terms to have a photo framed is too much of a reminder. I have 8month girl she is what keeps me going and I look at her for inspiration. I feel for you all, and even though all this experience is new to me I do seem slightly stronger with a new appreciation of life. Help me be strong, I have christening of twins and a new born boy on Sunday, this will be a test on how I can cope. thanks, bebop