5 Years ago tomorrow, our baby daughter Bethan died as a newborn.
Its obviously easier as the years have gone by but tonight these are the things I'm sad about :
I'm sad that I'll never feel the wet slaver of her tongue as she feeds, and burps.
I'm sad that I didn't kiss her more in the hour she lived.
I'm sad that we didn't take a million more photos.
I'm sad that her older sister didn't get to meet her, and her two younger sisters haven't either.
I'm sad that ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS IS MISSING
I'm sad that I don't know her idiosyncrasies
I'm sad that she doesn't have a nickname
I'm sad and full of yearning just to hold her close to my skin.
I'm sad that I don't know how she would have looked when she lost her newborn-ness
I'm sad that she's just such a precious part of our family but so often forgotten.
I'm sad that my relationship with her is so full of tears when with her sisters it is so full of fun and laughter.
I miss her so much it hurts to even write it.
I can't believe that 5 years on it can still hurt so much.