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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

He will not share!!!!

15 replies

smasher · 06/08/2005 02:20

my ds is almost 4yrs and has a problem with sharing his toys. It has gotten so bad that he ends up fighting with whoever is trying to play with his toys. Im getting concerned that his friends are no longer going to play with him because he will not share, and obviously the fighting is cause for concern. what do i do?

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DukesofHazzardMum · 06/08/2005 04:31

I have this problem with mine also.....think that it is a stage that they go through...think it is a case of keep trying and getting them to interact with others even if it is hard work.

mandymoo · 06/08/2005 13:45

DD (2.8) finds it hard to share (is getting better tho). I used to dread it when another child dared to take something off her or want to use something she had cos i knew what she would be like. Imo very few children share 100% of the time and as they get older it will get easier for them to do so (I HOPE!!!).

mandymoo · 06/08/2005 13:45

mrsmoons · 13/08/2005 17:58

I had a very similar prob with my 4-yr-old, but I would just like to play devil's advocate for a second....Imagine you are sitting on a bench reading a magazine; someone comes up to you and longingly looks at your magazine. You ignore her, then she says 'I want that, can I have it please?' What is your reaction? You probably think a) ''Madwoman, go away and leave me in peace'' or b) Possibly, if you are feeling very altruistic you respond, 'OK, but when I have finished with it.'' What if she just took it off you??
So appply that to a 4-yr-old! I'm not saying it isn't important that a child learns to share, obviously, but it doesn't come naturally, and when children are playing together, especially in their own home with their own toys, you have to bear in mind how it must feel for them. You could try talking to your son first and agreeing before the other child comes round, which toys are his 'special' ones which he will not tolerate sharing, and hide them!! The others are for sharing, and you could also agree that if he shares these nicely, perhaps some sort of reward system. This has worked for me, but not overnight.

aloha · 13/08/2005 18:45

agree with mrsmoon - have posted similarly myself. We all HATE sharing - most of us fume if a stranger so much aslooks over our shoulder at our newpaper!
and my ds doesn't care who plys with his toys (he's odd) so i'm not posting this to defend a horror-child. Agree with her tips too.

Twiglett · 13/08/2005 18:46

Aside to aloha : - how was the move? how did DS take it? you all settled yet??

aloha · 13/08/2005 18:56

Well, the packers were fantastic, we love the house but our phone and internet reconnection has been disastrous, which has been v stressful as work from home.
The sheer number of boxes and amount of crud in them has been an eye-opener to say the least (not to mention the mess as the boxes have been opened). Dh fed up with diy - curtains, curtain rails etc etc

But they left the shed and the dimmer switches - hooray!
Ds has been happy as a lark ever since he saw his books! Was v v stressed before we moved but now loves it - so relieved!

Fancy a cup of tea in our very, very messy kitchen??

Twiglett · 13/08/2005 18:57

yes would love to once fully recovered from minor op yesterday .. or you're welcome to come round here to escape into an even bigger mess

MumOnaMission · 14/08/2005 00:34

This is a difficult one smasher. I have had the exact same problem with my dd, especially if she's playing with her younger cousins. If she's playing with something and the other one wants it I usually say "can x play with that when you've finished" and she will sometimes give it to them quite quickly but if not i'll say "ok let x have a go now for 5 mins then you can have another turn" of course this has not been without it's tantrums and it doesn't happen overnight. I thinks mrsmoons suggestion of talking beforehand is excellent. But of course there's a fine line - your ds can't always be the one to give things up, he needs to be allowed to stand up for himself as well if someone wants to just take things off him. My dd's aunties always expected her to give things up to her younger cousins because "they're still learning" which i find infuriating. MY DD is still learning too she's only 4 FGS. So I've had to put my foot down there a bit but it seems to be working quite well now.

maisiemog · 14/08/2005 12:41

My ds isn't at that stage yet, and I am waiting to see what happens. I personally think if your ds doesn't want to share, I don't see why he should. I mean adults frown on people taking things from each other, so it's kind of strange to tell children to do something different. As long as he isn't taking things from other children and refusing to give them back or whatever I can't see a problem.
It kind of sounds like the other children have a problem with not getting what THEY want.
I'm sure his friends won't stop seeing him if he doesn't share, they sound a bit young to be making that kind of value judgement to me.
He will probably share when he wants to, he just might take a bit more time. I read somewhere that children have to learn about posession and property rights before they feel happy to share. He may just be getting the hang of ownership at the moment.
Is he in a library or video club, it might help him to get the hang of borrowing and lending?
Mind you I still hate sharing things and I'm 38.

Pinotmum · 14/08/2005 12:59

As a 5 yo I remember running up the stairs with my tiny tears doll to hide her when I saw my mum's friend and her dd at the front door. I was the most awful sharer and still am really. It's just that people DON'T GIVE THINGS BACK as quickly as they should - I had lots of friends though so it wasn't a problem I just shared their toys instead

maisiemog · 14/08/2005 13:05

That's strange - I just moved to a new house and I kept finding Tiny Tears dolls stuffed in the cupboards and behind the toilet cystern - that must have been your old house.

Pinotmum · 14/08/2005 13:06

I want them back now please.

maisiemog · 14/08/2005 13:13

Haha!

saadia · 14/08/2005 14:02

My ds1 has problems sharing too, particularly with his cousins and younger brothers, but now that he is 3.5, if he is with another child and won't share his things I make a big deal of sharing with the other child saying "never mind you can play this with me, I'll share with you. It's fun to share" really laying it on thick. You can actually see his thought processes as he finally pipes up "OK I'll share".

I do agree with those who say that children shoudn't be forced to share their things. But whenever ds1 goes to his cousin's house he plays with everything and thinks it's all his, so when his cousin comes to ours I think it's only fair that he should have access to everything as well.

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