PLEASE help - fussy eater (2.5) getting worse and worse

[helenabeth]

DS2 has been very limited in what he eats since just before his first birthday - eighteen months ago. He's got worse and worse, to the extent that now he will only eat:

1. crisps
2. yoghurt
3. fruit
4. dry bread
5. dry cereal

6.bread sticks/biscuits

1. milk

I'm at my wits' end. Feel as though I've tried everything. My HV said the doctor won't take it seriously if he's not losing weight. But so often he's tired and weepy and i know it's because he's hungry. Any magic solutions? Please?

I am not advocating unhealthy snacks lovingthesun. I think that if they are hungry at 4 why not offer green beans then while they are playing. I do actually think that they know that they need to eat, but absolutely agree that if they are offered chocolates buns they will always opt for them over cucumber! (Actually not sure on this one).

Ds was a wonderful eater - until he turned 16 months, learned to walk, and became a right fusspot. And has ended up with chronic constipation, so it's vital I manage to get water, fruit and veg into him (left to himself he'd live on cereal, bread products, yoghurt, and omelette).

After a few weeks of fun having to use suppositories to clear the backlog, he was scared of food but now is eating his favorites quite well again. Fruit puree pots are great.

I try really hard to look totally unbothered - this is much easier since getting rid of carpet and getting a wipe-clean floor, so if he doesn't want his meal and wants to hurl it out of his sight I can get him down, put it where he can reach it, and wander off. Most of the time it then gets eaten. He also eats at creche really well (hour a week), so I leave a tangerine which he eats, but won't ever eat it at home!

Thick soup for dipping bread in worked well too - he'd get some off the bread, realise it's not so bad, then eat all the soup except the hard bits. Messy, though.

Touch wood, his tummy is nearly better and he'll be fine if I keep giving lactulose for a while. We're working on 'if you don't want to eat X, just push it away and say 'no'' - as opposed to hurling it out of sight... oh I love my new floor!

I feel for u totally. My son is a fussy eater and he has type 1 diabetes which makes it even harder. He used to be such a healthy eater but now I give in and let him eat rubbish just so i can give him his insulin.

I found the thread I had read before about fussy eaters

here

Blimey, that was a 'lively' discussion - but v interesting, thanks kateecass.An update from us; no further forward in terms of eating. He had exactly the same food on his plate as his brother tonight (as every night), and just pushed it away, saying 'I don't like my tea Mummy, I'm hungry'. He had half an apple for pudding. Just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. But in the real world, that means carry on and stay positive, right ladies? Hope some others are feeling a little better from knowing this is a relatively common problem. Justine - or Mumsnet HQ, if you're reading, how about a webchat with some food honcho? I know it's a sensitive issue, but it would be v interesting to see what they say. Ta!

Oh, that webchat idea is a good one! So many eating threads.... It's madness.

Good luck with keeping your cool and carrying on. I know I said my DS was in a good phase at the moment, but these don't seem to last, so I fear we will be in the same boat (again and again!). Don't worry; we know how you feel, and you are doing the right things by trying hard, and taking advice (and, no doubt, by ignoring advice, too - that's also a very important skill, for a mother!).

Haven't read whole thread so sorry if any of this has already been said.

If this were my child I'd cut out the crisps straight away.

I'd stop worrying - on the diet you give, he'll be ok.

Generally, I take the view: put good food in front of child. Eat same food yourself. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't give treats unless reasonable amount of meal has been eaten. Offer same foods again and again even if child doesn't eat them - if you think they are foods he should eat, like the odd vegetable, high protein foods etc. Be prepared to waste a lot of food (sorry) but give tiny portions to minimise waste. You can always give seconds if he eats it.

Peer pressure can work, over time, so choose good eaters as play dates!

I would lend you mine but they are all too old now!

Mine were always adventurous eaters, but after break of partnership we lived with my parents for a while. Grandmother gave them juice at meals, whereas I had always given them water. I think this put the off lots of food they ate before (esp fish and veg) because they do not taste nearly as nice after a gulp of sweet orange or apple juice.

My nephew was an incredibly fussy eater throughout his childhood, but has grown up fit, strong and 6ft, with a cracking 6 pack, so don't worry too much.

Finally, kids always get you at your weak point. I hate shouting, so my kids would not respond until I raised my voice. My sister (not the mother of the grown up unhealthy eater) is a vegetarian health food freak, with children who eat sugar, noodles in miso (bit of tofu), plain pasta or gnocchi. Pretty much that is it. They choose the battleground

Update - and further pleas for advice as I've lost all confidence and sense of what to do: we've cut out the crisps and pay no attention to the still full plates. But we cannot even get him to come to the table now. Even for breakfast. So we're into day 3 of near starvation rations. Ideas? Sob.

What about doing the opposite then? Ie, masses of enthusiasm, encouragement and praise when he sits down/ licks a piece of food/ takes a bite.

Could ask for help from your HV or GP if you're getting to the point where you're concerned about his health.

Must be bloody awful for you, hope things improve soon.

My son, just turned four, was absolutely not interested in food until he was three, but has got better gradually since then, and now eats relatively well (although pretty limited on veg). I found that offering food he was not keen on as snacks made them more acceptable - he refused to eat any meat until he was two and a half, unless it was offered as a snack while he played, in which case he would gobble it up. He's still the same with bananas and many fruits - he'll eat them as a snack, but never with a meal. I think it's that snacks have less pressure associated with them. However, I never give a snack within two hours of a meal. With veg, I now give it as a first course so he eats it while he is really hungry, then the fish/meat/pasta is served. I just say that the fish/meat/pasta is still cooking so is not quite ready, rather than offering it as a 'reward' for eating the veg.
I second eating with others - eating at a friend's house introduced DS to soup, which has been a lifesaver so far as getting veg (and lots of other things) into him.

Oh, and if he wont' come to the table, could you put out little bowls of cut up things, meze style, where he's playing so he can help himself when it suits him, and without any pressure? I used to put out an ice cube tray with tiny amounts of all sorts of things in it - cubes of chicken, cheese, breadsticks, cucumber, nuts, raisins. I know it's not ideal, but at least he'd be eating something, and he was in control of it. When my DS was very fussy, I'd be happy if he'd eat anywhere - on my lap, lying on the floor, on the potty (yes, been there!), even in the bath. I think that took the pressure off mealtimes, and now he's always happy to come to the table to eat.

HV coming tomorrow as he's slipping down the centiles. Will try the bowl idea, Flowergarden, thanks. He had a handful of dry rice krispies this morning, which is something. DH away for the next 3 nights and am dreading it!

Oh, and we had a lovely time making a fruit cake yesterday. He was happy to have messy hands and liked eating the raw mixture, but wouldn't touch it when cooked. So I'll be eating all that then..!

Mmm, raw fruitcake...

That's your dinner sorted whilst DH is away then!

Hope HV has some good tips for you.

How's it going helenabeth? I've been following this thread and wondered what the health visitor said. my DS2 was 4 in March and I visited the GP a couple of months back because his eating was so bad (not that she was bothered as somehow he seems to keep growing, although only just under the 25th centile). His fussy eating started the same age as your son too. They sound quite similar boys.

I just wanted to offer you some hope really. When my DS was your son's age I used to read posts from people like me that said "There IS hope - one day he/she'll get better." and I used to get really fed up because I really really couldn't see my son EVER changing. I know exactly how you feel about finding it so frustrating that you want to cry.

But just in the past few weeks there has been a huge change and I really don't know what the reason is for it, I am just so happy that the turning point has finally arrived. Prior to the magical day when he actually bit off a corner of fish finger and swallowed it, he would only eat 2 types of main meal - pasta with a blended-down sauce (at least I could put vegetables in I suppose), or chilli and rice (again, with the sauce blended so there were no "bits"). He never had a proper bit of meat or fish of any kind without it being mushed up and hidden in some sauce with rice etc and has never touched fruit (smoothies only).

For lunch he would only eat ham sandwiches or cheese on toast. Dessert was only yoghurt, chocolate mousse or cake.

He hasn't touched milk since he was 2.

Anyway, apart from amazing everyone in the room by eating a bit of fish finger (dont' know what prompted him to try it instead of the usual recoiling in fear), he seemed to amaze HIMSELF and I honestly think that he finally realised that there was not that much to worry about in just TRYING a food. We've told him that we wouldnt' expect him to eat a whole fishfinger/whatever till he is happy to do so but he still has to have a bit of SOMETHING he doens't normally eat at most main meals. And we decided to reinforce with a star chart and promise of a trip to a theme park once he gets loads of stars (haven't figured out the exact number yet!)

Honestly the change in him these past few weeks is astonishing. I just think that he has just reached a point in himself where he'd like to try what other people are eating. He has been trying pizza, beefburger, soup, thai curry sauce, baked beans, loads more - actully ASKING to try some things such as a big bit of mushroom from a pizza etc etc etc. Each time he has taken a bite and actually swallowed it, not spat it out or baulked. I can't tell you how pleased we are even at these little bites of things - it may not seem much to outsiders but I know that other parents who've experienced this will know what I mean when I say it has changed our lives! (well, taken the stress out of mealtimes anyway!!)

We are still not getting anywhere with fruit (he baulked at just the smell of a strawberry the other day, strange boy!) but we're taking it one step at a time to build his confidence up even further.

So, even though I know that right now, you probably just can't imagine that ever happening with your son, I just wanted to say that a change IS possible - I think in children like ours it's all about them finding the confidence in themselves to start trying things and it may not come until your son is quite a bit older.

And obviously it gets much easier when they are older and their language skills improve and you can explain all about the food and what treat they might get if they start trying things!

It is sooooo hard, I know, and I still get a knot in my stomach at meal times wondering if this is the time that he'll revert back to how he used to be, but any time he's wavered I've reminded him about getting a star towards his treat day and it seems to work!

Hope that's of some comfort, however little!

Let us know how things progress, I'm sure you know you're not alone in experiencing this (and I know how fed up you probably are at explaining the situation to parents who have never had a child like this and give you the impression that they think it's something that YOU'VE done wrong).

Best of luck!!!!

Forgot to say that there might be a few other reasons that my son has decided to change at last:

1. in nursery they have packed lunch (thank god) but once a week they've been having bread-making sessions in the afternoon where they've helped to bake it and then all sat round to try it, and as he likes normal bread I think it helped him to try other types of bread (pitta, focaccia etc) and given him a confidence boost in trying something that's mostly similar to what he knows but a LITTLE bit new.

2. We went to Thomas Land at Drayton manor at Easter (when he was still a terrible eater) and he plucked up the courage to go on some faster rides even though he was shivering in fear and anticipation as we queued up. We were explaining to him that if he was brave enough to try each thing he'd probably love it and sure enough he was giggling away. Again, I think this gave him a little confidence boost to try things he might be a bit scared of.

3. After the Thomas Land trip he was full of going back there and trying even faster and scarier rides that his big brother and dad had been on so I told him there are height restrictions so he wouldn't be high enough unless he started eating proper food like a big boy. Maybe something clicked in his brain and togehter with the other things above, it just might have spurred him on to have a go at changing his ways with food as it was not long after all that that he seemed to change his attitude all of a sudden.

I have no idea if any of that really DID make any difference in reality but it's just my guess really. As there was nothing specific that we did or said that we hadn't done every day for about 2 years before that!

Thanks so much Curly - what a lovely post. Well the health visitor scared me silly by saying she was worried about his bowel (TMI: his motions are 'sandy' in consistency and often take ages to appear, after lots of 'smudges').DH took him to the doctor, who dismissed this worry, but they have agreed to weigh him every 6 wks as he's slipping down the centiles.
He has a horrid cold at the minute, but we've had a few successes, notably 3 slices of pizza last night! It's hard trying not to react. We cut out the crisps and there are some meal times when he doesn't push his plate away. He also put a piece of pork chop to his lips. Crazy I know, but to us that's a BIG thing. Support on here has been great, it's still heart breaking and I still have cold sweats about his health, but we have to keep going. Posts like yours help so much - thanks!

Ah, putting the pork chop to his lips - I totally understand how pleased you probably were. I text my mum when my son tries a new food as I just get so excited (although try not to show HOW excited to DS2 - just a bit of praise) - she is brill and has seen for herself what he's like and so understands (other people would think we're nutters for texting in excitement "he had 3 bites of pizza!")

We've had nearly a year of getting him to just kiss and lick and smell and feel food. Before that he would just look at it, recoil, panic and cry. Heartbreaking as you say, isn't it, when your job as a mum is all about nurturing your kids and helping them to grow? I am just glad that my eldest son is not like that as it makes me realise its nothing WE'VE done wrong as parents - it's just something inside DS2 that's gone wrong!

I don't know about your son's history, helenabeth, but my son had awful colic till he was about 4 months old. Really bad. (And eczema). Makes you wonder whether any tummy aches from that and maybe possible mild food intolerances when he was a toddler have just put him off the whole eating thing. He has also recently been diagnosed with a peanut allergy. You try and rack your brains to think of anything that might possibly have triggered it all don't you?

I think it's a good thing that they are keeping an eye on your son's weight. If only for your peace of mind that he IS putting it on, however slowly, and also to check that his weight doesn't go TOO low. You can reassure yourself that you're doing everything you can as a parent if you've got all your bases covered, medically. If his weight does become a problem in the GPs eyes then at least you will probably get referred to a feeding clinic where you will hopefully get some good advice.

It's so difficult when there is conflicting advice amongst experts. People like Supernanny are so strict and go down the line of "He eats what the rest of the family eat, or he doesn't eat at all", yet the GPs I've spoken to are mainly happy to recommend that the child should just be given what he'll eat. I remember a boy a few doors down from us when I was kid, his mum was tearing her hair out because he'd only eat tomato ketchup sandwiches! The GP said "If that's what he wants, give him that - plenty of calories in that, just give him some vitamin drops too and try not to worry." I've always wondered how he turned out or if he's one of those people you see on Farm of Fussy Eaters!!

Personally I think my son has had a genuine phobic reaction to trying new food so the Supernanny way just wouldn't have worked. I think he'd have just got used to being hungry eventually and really lost weight. So my stance has been to give him what he'd eat (within reason - as long as it was healthy and not a load of junk) and just keep trying and offering other stuff and encouraging him and just desensitizing him from his fears. Touch wood, this approach seems to have worked with him and I am just really keeping my fingers crossed that this time next year I will be able to post again and say that he is eating totally normally like any other kid his age.

I really have all my fingers crossed that you'll be able to do the same, OP, even if it takes 2 years!

Sorry, I know I've waffled on a bit, but when I was at my lowest with regards to DS2's eating, it really helped so much to come on MN and see that I wasn't alone so hopefully this waffle will be of some help to someone!

I have resurrected this thread after 16 months to give all you lovely people an update. DS2 is now 4 and has added pizza and the occasional chicken nugget to his repertoire. And jam. But that's it. We try to remain calm, we still give him the same as the rest of the family. He's still growing and well most of the time. But when he gets ill, it takes him a long time to recover. He has a sick bug in May that landed him in hospital as it went on so long.
So, it appears that many of you were right - there are no 'quick-fix' solutions and I still dream of the day when he'll eat a 'proper' meal.
Hope some of you have had more success than we have!

Ahh [hugs] for you Helen, we are also going through something very similar. Had an awfu arguement with DP about it once dd was in bed last night - we both know ehere we want her to be, but not on the route to get her there. Dp thinks Im being too strict as Im only doing food at the table, on her own chair, with bib on (shes exactly 2), and the same meal as us (within reason).
I have to say Ive found it hugely stressful
WE are noticing that constipation is happening more regularly so Ive really firmed up (parden the pun) on what shes allowed to eat. So for lunch today 2 tangerines, 1 banana and a cheese stick. Also a homemade lollypop (she often refuses water). If she doesnt eat I try to react and jsut wait until the next meal, or offer a small amount of houmous and sliced apple to dip into it as a snack before the next meal.
Helen Im just wondering if you can add a touch of jam to some food youd like him to try - like a home made fishfinger (same in looks as a chicken nugget) with a smear of jam on. Sounds awful I know, but they often don't have the same rules as us.