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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

if you have a 7 year old....tell me their worst, recent behaviour!

73 replies

sleepingsowell · 03/05/2010 22:05

I have a DS who is 8 very soon. He has for the first time ever been really 'challenging' at home recently. I have never felt before that I couldn't deal with him, but lately....it's just rudeness, etc but it's out of character

I would love to know if this is something 'normal', could anyone post examples of their 7 or 8 year old's 'worst'?

I really don't know whether to be worried or not! Or whether this is something more usual.

TIA

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MaryMotherOfManchego · 03/05/2010 22:36

It's normal in that it's about testing boundaries, I'd say.

Stick to your guns and make it really clear that it's not acceptable. And don't compare to other kids. What matters is that it's out of character for him. And that it's not acceptable to you. No one else matters.

Original poster

sleepingsowell · 03/05/2010 22:45

thanks Mary - very wise. I suppose it doesn't matter what other kids do; i suppose I thought it would make me feel better if I knew other kids were being as devilish challenging!

But of course you're right; it is out of character for him so that's the main thing. It's not as if it's a mystery either; he has SEN and school is becoming harder for him at the mo for various reasons so I can see where his feelings are coming from.

It's just, for nearly 8 years, his behaviour in all it's forms may have needed careful managing as all children's does; but it's never felt so out of my control before

you are right as well about sticking to our guns. We will. It's surprisingly hard to do when your own child is telling you that no one listens to him and no one cares about him etc etc etc - this sort of thing he has never said before.

thanks again!

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stealthsquiggle · 03/05/2010 22:57

sleepingsowell - my 7yo DS, who I would until very recently have described as a gentle soul, has turned into hellboy recently. A very wise MNer said "testosterone" and once considered in that light his apparent change of character seems to make sense. In fact, with his guard down, he says "my body makes him do it, and I don't want to". I have stopped looking for event-based causes (like something happening at school) and am trying to focus on helping him get back in charge of his body, IYSWIM. Of course when he has just been unspeakably foul to 3yo DD that does get harder to keep in perspective .

If empathy is what you are looking for, you can have it from me in spades. DS seems convinced that the entire world is picking on him ATM and his overwhelming instinct is to hit back.

Original poster

sleepingsowell · 03/05/2010 23:06

oh my goodness - thank you stealth! That is so good to hear (well, not for you, but....)

It is sounding so similar to DS - the thing of feeling the world is picking on him etc and the sudden change of character.

I think the sudden-ness of it shocked me, and the thing of him telling us he is having a bad life etc etc etc no one understands him etc - when in fact, he is a hugely loved child who has all our time and attention.

I think it's the unfairness of his feelings that is upsetting me so much; he actually couldn't have a much nicer life imo, adoring family, friends at school, close with his cousins, lots of toys, lots of love and affection and cuddles, good healthy food, never has he been hit or belittled or treated badly in any way at home! And then he tells us everything is rubbish and no one cares about him etc

Having said all that, I guess this makes the 'testosterone' thing make sense. Because, imo, his feelings are SO illogical that they could well be hormonal.

It is helping alot to put this down in words actually!

thanks

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ABitBatty · 03/05/2010 23:19

My ds2 has just turned 8 in January. We went through all this last year and he has emerged into an incredibly mature, nice, sensitive, kind, lovely boy. I remember being driven to tears because he said his life was bad because we didn't go anywhere and no-one liked him etc when we actually did go places and he was popular at school! He used to really upset me, but it passed and h is back to being lovely again

Original poster

sleepingsowell · 03/05/2010 23:25

thank you ABit!

I really can't tell you how much these posts have helped. It is so, so helpful to hear that others have gone through this - and come out the other side. It will really help me not to panic or get too upset.

thank you all x

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 04/05/2010 09:04

batty - any ideas on how far away the light at the end of this particular tunnel might be? How long did it last with your DS? [desperate]

I think in our case it is being exasperated by the fact that DD is 3 and going through a particularly adorable stage (well, OK, the fact that she never shuts up does get wearing after a while, but other than that...) which just makes DS grumpier. Anything which is not the world's fault or mine/DH's is DD's fault. She does delight in winding her brother up, but also adores and hero-worships him, and I am worried that if he continues to grump at (and, TBH, bully) her for much longer then that relationship might be permanently damaged.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 04/05/2010 09:15

That sounds just like ds1. He is 8 in October and has a shocking temper just recently. Everything he does was an accident or someone else's fault.

He is vile toward ds2 (nearly 6). When he thinks no-one is looking he will poke ds2, pinch, hit, you name it, he does it. Then when you challenge him he'll say it was an accident. Then I get 'you only tell me off, DS2 is perfect' 'you don't love me as much as ds2'

Other times he is lovely and more like his normal self but it is very trying.

allegrageller · 04/05/2010 09:22

oh god doyouthink you're almost describing my 6 and three quarters year old ds.

He's become really hyperaware of everything 'wrong' in his life. I am a single parent and me and his dad separated 2 years ago (he has half the week with his dad who adores him) and he is constantly complaining he 'doesnt' get enough attention'- of course I felt bad about it, because of our situation, it really pushed my buttons, but to hear that other kids are doing it who are not going through family breakup.

He's constantly jealous of ds2 aged 3, 'you love him more than me' etc etc, behaved appallingly at lunch yesterday because I had a friend there, cheeking me, answering back in incredibly rude teenage terms. When I talked to him about it afterwards I got 'when your friends are here I don't get any attention' !!! ffs.

ABitBatty · 04/05/2010 09:23

Well, I would say about 9mo to a year(!) It started when he was 6,nearly 7 and probably went on until maybe Autumn last year.

He used to say things like 'I've got such a bad life' and seemed like he never did what anyone asked him to ever/ Like going to bed/getting ready for school/ we'd have to say at least 5,6 or 7 times. It was really exasperating.

I remember looking on here at the time to see if it was common. I figured out it was some sort of testosterone surge at around age 6/7.Looking back, it almost seems like teenage behaviour so the testosterone theory fits in.

It's definitely passed now though!

allegrageller · 04/05/2010 09:24

yeah ABit, from ds I had 'I am only 6 years old and My Life Is So HARD'!!! lol. I laughed but it did worry me tbh.

SoMuchToBits · 04/05/2010 09:24

My ds is 9 now. He has never really been badly-behaved or grumpy, but he did have rather an unsettled year when he was 7-8. I don't really know why, just a combination of things. He had a few friendship problems at school, also just seemed to be at that age where they have stopped being a "little boy" IYSWIM and need to grow up a bit but don't know how to fit in. And his teacher last year didn't help - she is a lovely person but not too hot on discipline, and ds really suffered from being in a rather chaotic, noisy classroom environment where he found it hard to concentrate.

This year has been so much better - he seems to have settled down, is enjoying school, happy with his friends etc. I can't really say whether it was his individual circumstances or just an age thing, although quite a few friends have said that their children (esp boys for some reason) seem to have a hard year at about 7 or 8.

smugmumofboys · 04/05/2010 09:29

Oh my God. You are all describing my 7 yr old DS1. Thank you so much for this thread - you've given me hope.

DS1 is rude, stroppy, aggressive, histrionic, anxious, bullies his 6 yr old brother (who has rather worryingly started to ape some of DS1's worst behaviours) but he's so emotional. Tears at the drop of a hat, accusations that we don't love him.

It's wearing me out .

ABitBatty · 04/05/2010 09:30

I have such a bad life
No-one likes me
People bully me (which turned out to be him wanting to play his game and his game only at school and not everyone wanted to do that)
You don't listen to me
No-one listens to me
Why do I have to?
It's not fair
It's not my fault
I forgot, I can't help it
It wasn't me!
You keep cooking things I don't like
Whatever!
You are all against me!

And general disregard for anyone else, the world is to revolve around me and me only and if it doesn't then you are all against me, that was the general attitude of it all. Phew!

ABitBatty · 04/05/2010 09:33

Oh yes, and being really emotional, crying at really tiny things but hamming it up, wailing really loudly in his room to make sure we all knew he was crying and fake crying when he was slightly upset but not upset enough to really cry at.

It is funny now to look back on now but at the time I felt at the end of my tether.

stealthsquiggle · 04/05/2010 09:33

So I have another 6 months (at least) of DS telling me I am "ruining his childhood" ?

I'm off to look for chocolate.

I am 100% convinced it is hormonal - as others have said, it is almost teenage behaviour and is clearly illogical - but I can't decide how to explain that to DS, or even if it would make any real difference if I did, or if it would just give him yet another "it's not my fault" excuse.

allegrageller · 04/05/2010 09:33

aw god yes ABit, the bullying accusations! I was so worried for a bit.

Turned out it was ds1 trying to dominate the entire class's playground games, just like your ds ABit, and strangely the other boys were not agreeing with him on everything!

'it's not MYYYYYYY fault' is now ds2's favourite phrase too.

allegrageller · 04/05/2010 09:34

ahahahaha stealth @'ruining my childhood'

god, do we have this x100 to look forward to in their teens? finish me off now

stealthsquiggle · 04/05/2010 09:35

ABitBatty have you been eavesdropping in our house ?

Bizarrely, that makes me feel so much better.

smugmumofboys · 04/05/2010 09:36

Yes - real 'Hollywood' tears - all wail no actual wet stuff.

Francagoestohollywood · 04/05/2010 09:37

Ohhh thanks for this thread from me as well!

Ds will be 8 in July and his behaviour has changed recently. He's always been very lively, but he's always been sensitive and never a malicious child.
But he has started to be rude at home, confrontational and has even started to lie !

stealthsquiggle · 04/05/2010 09:37

allegrageller - yes, that is a quote - from this weekend. I think at the time we were 'ruining his childhood' by asking him to pick up grass clippings and give them to the sheep in the field next door (a 2 minute job which he used to love).

SoMuchToBits · 04/05/2010 09:41

We had all the "nobody likes me at school, I don't have any friends" when ds was 7/8, but again it was partly because he would only play things he wanted to play. He would try to get his friends to play what he liked, and wasn't interested in playing their games. I think he has chilled out a bit more now (although he is still very selective about what he will play, but I think that's just his personality, he has very specific interests).

allegrageller · 04/05/2010 09:42

stealth, I feel your pain but that does make me feel so much better heheh

I really thought all ds1's Lord Byron stuff was about the divorce but now I see it probably isn't!

My ds1 can do proper crocodile tears- turned on in a moment when I refuse to believe his tales of outrage about ds2. 'But mum he DID wreck my entire room! He DID! It's SO not fair you prefer him to me and he gets EVERYTHING' blah blah blah.

I have taken to saying 'stay in your room until you feel better', or he follows me about doing his tragedy face. You then have to listen to the enraged screaming for 10-15 minutes. It can really be quite disturbing!

He did it in a train carriage once because ds2 would not 'share' something he was snatching off him- I was so mortified, like having a massive toddler with me.

ABitBatty · 04/05/2010 09:49

It is comical to have it all written down
I remember going to parents evening all ready to get an explanation of why my boy was getting bullied, only to find out that he was trying to make everyone play his game all the time and dominating things. No bullying going on

When they turn this corner everything is fine and lovely. I have a 12 yo DS and he is just starting to change into a grunting, smelly beast with a major attitude problem who seems to have regressed when compared with the lovely,well mannered thoughtful 8yo

So you have a 4 yr grace period until the next round of hormones ha ha

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