controlling MY behaviour, not my kid's!!

[eisbaer]

Hi, looking for some tips here. I sometimes cannot keep my temper when my 3 year old is kicking off about something. I end up shouting back at him, sometimes even swearing. And I don't want to do this. I hate myself after it happens and hate the thought that he will be one of these kids at school who is desensitised(sp.?) to a raised voice because that's all he's had at home.
Here's the basic drill. He hits teatime and is RAGING about anything he can find to be annoyed about. I'll try my best, reason with him, ignore his shouting, do something else in another room, then he'll either lash out physically at his younger brother, at which I see red, or I'll just get this anger at how what he's getting annoyed about being such a non-issue, and how lucky we are in this country to be having all our fundamental needs met and how you never hear kids kicking off in developing countries. I did catch myself tonight, hollering "why do you always tantrum like this?" then thinking "hmm, I wonder where he sees behaviour like that....".
My Dad shouted a helluva lot, and I loved him to bits, but was a bit scared of him and hated the shouting. I really do not want to do this with all my kids and rule by fear/switch them off totally. So I'm looking for tips, things that you do if you are kind of like me but better in control, when you're starting to go a bit tonto?
Please don't reply if you're going to say a)my kids need taken into care or b) how negative an effect my behaviour will have because I am fully aware of this already an will spend the next day and half hating myself about shouting, until stress levels reach a certain point again.
I love both my kids to bits and am happy 80% of the time, but my reaction to my DS1's totally normal and natural behaviour bothers me greatly and I want to change it.
Any website or book recommendations would be welcome!
p.s. I am actually a nice person, and my husband is laconic patience personified, so sleep easy knowing my kids aren't in volatile hands the whole time! and also, in spite of all my hollering, I'm never close to hitting/smacking etc. Just acting like I'm at a football match and my team's losing. And I want my kids to feel like winners!

Deep breaths. That's all I can say.

I find it hardest when they start getting physical to each other too.

And more deep breaths...

Been there and done that! A couple of thoughts occur to me, he kicks off at teatime- what's his blood sugar level like? try giving him a carb. type snack about half an hour before his usual ignition time, this usually headed off pretea time rages, once I tumbled the problem my temper and his were much improved! Give yourself space - the best toy we invested in was a trampoline - the springfree make - so utterly safe, big enough for an adult and a great stress buster for all ie mum and two boys together if necessary- if you have a computer game or a wii these work well as solid distractions( used tactically - i'm not advocating unfettered access). Hope this helps a bit good luck you're not alone!!!!

thank you, good to know I'm not the only one finds it hard. Will try the carb snack idea, he's a great eater so is maybe just starving by that time. Think just staying away and having a mantra will help. Will print of Rudyard Kipling's If(or even the first two lines) and have it around the house and to hell with visitors who wonder about the esthetics...

I think you might have had a breakthrough tonight with the "hmm, I wonder where he sees behaviour like that....".

I have a nasty temper, as did my father before me and I'm trying very hard to break the cycle. I can say I've never sworn but I have shouted and even screamed in the past - which made DS cry and made me feel awful

When you feel you're about to burst, try the old cliche of counting to 10 - while remembering that the behaviour you hate is copied from you and if you want him to stop tantrumming, you have to stop tantrumming too. Take a deep breath and then deal with the situation as camly as you can.

If it's really bad, make sure they're safe and leave the room for a minute or two.

Laughing can also break the tention and make everyone feel better. Just laugh, at anything.

And most of all remember - you don't have to be perfect, just a little better today than yesterday. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or else you'll just feel more stressed which will make you even more likely to burst.

HTH

Oh - and what time is the meal? Sometimes I feed my lot at 4pm, especially on cold winter's days...

have recently brought their teatime back to five again, because of poor form(from all of us!) at that time. So that might help. He's just like me, the minute we've eaten we're all smiles again. So it's combination of things, maybe I need a carb snack too!
And you're right GoldenSnitch about counting to ten, because tonight I only got to four, but if I'd just persisted I'm sure I'd have managed the whole situation.
Thing is, I feel so happy when I've handled it like an adult, and posting this thread is a real breakthrough, because I've been so ashamed of it up till now I just wouldn't have, so I think you're right. today has been a day of breakthroughs.
Bit like AA(not that I'm in that!!!!), take one day at a time.

Golden Snitch, do you manage to avoid losing your temper all the time now then? That would totally inspire me!

Definitely think about having a snack yourself. I have become much less shouty at tea time by making sure I have a nice, smallish snack myself while the kids are eating.

Another thing I try to do is to remember that tomorrow is a new day. I try to put all the shittyness of the day behind me and start a-fresh in the morning.

Holding grudges is my biggest problem and it's not good because then you start the day angry. So I try to forget and greet DS every morning with a big grin and a "Good Morning Baby" and we start happy and positive .

Sounds like the snack thing could work for you all. If everythings happy after dinner then eating obviously helps.

Oh no, I still loose it occasionally. But am proud to say that mostly, it's when DS is being very difficult - he's just turned 3! - or when I am very tired - DD is 3 months.

But I am a lot better than I used to be and getting a bit better everyday.

Other thing is - what is YOUR blood sugar like at kids tea time? Oh. See LaughorCry has suggested this. I find it very very difficult to watch children not eat when I am starving myself.

Also remember that when you shout you are, in a way, giving the child what he wants - a reaction. If you can say to him - and yourself- quite calmly - "That's not how we talk in this house" or "That's not how you get what you want in this house" or "I understand that you're cross but that isn't going to change what happens" it's amazing how quickly they calm down. Yes, even at 3!

(I have managed to almost totally get rid of my terrible tantrums this way)

good for you, well done.
I think first thing I'm going to do is accept that I'm prone to temper outbursts, rather than try and be someone who doesn't have them. Then I can manage my own behaviour by confronting it, rather than hating it becuase it shouldn't be there, while doing hee haw about it. Oh, this has really helped me. I don't feel so rubbish any more, while still caring about changing.

Good for you was to Golden SNitch for reducing reactions, and also anyone else who's posted who has managed!
I'm going to manage too now, I'm sure.
I have this nightmare where I turn out to be as nasty as Olivia Soprano, but that needn't happen!

I get very angry and shouty as well (although have managed not to swear) - DD just knows exactly what buttons to press and the longer I last being patient, the more cross I get when I finally snap. Like your DC, my DD tends to descend into pushing/hitting DS when she has not managed to get a reaction from me with any of her other bad behaviour. This is when I usually snap, and not only do I feel bad for shouting at DD, but also for the fact that poor DS gets pushed/whacked by DD and then gets to listen to a load of shouting and crying immediately after. Not nice.

Some things I have found helpful is to recognise that my DD is fine until about 4pm, and then the switch is flicked and she goes a bit bonkers for the rest of the day. So now I try to get her to play on her own after 4ish, so that DS doesn't bear the brunt of any bad behaviour. I also have brought tea forward to 4.30. I also psyche myself up before the witching (few) hour(s) begin, and try to instill into myself the fact that she is acting like she is cos she is tired and hungry.

It does work now - most of the time. We have had a horrible day today though. DD was shattered after a busy week, and we were stuck in due to torrential rain. Much bad behaviour and shouting ensued! Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow!

Good luck and try to find a positive way forward, rather than beating yourself up about the past. There's an awful lot of us who have been there at some point or another.

Thanks, it's just great to know I'm not the only person who sometimes finds it difficult not to blow up. Alot of my friends are not yet mums, and those who are are just made differently from me, I think.

"I think first thing I'm going to do is accept that I'm prone to temper outbursts, rather than try and be someone who doesn't have them."

That's a really positive thing to say and a great sentiment to start with

We can only change who we are, not be someone we're not after all.

I'm happy to post about good and bad days on here if you like and we can work on changing together?

that would be great, I appreciate your honesty! here's to tomorrow being a good day. Good Saturday, a twist on Good Friday? stay in touch.

Hi. Just wanted to add my support to this thread. I too tend to get very shouty and despise myself afterwards, especially when I really lose my rag and my dc's little faces crumple or even worse they cry in reaction to my shouting. With me, I know only too well that it's not the kids who are particularly difficult or naughty, it's me. I think mine is linked to pms or even pmmd, but that's another story.

My dcs are 8 and 7 and I absolutely adore them. As they get older, they have developed a sense of humour and I am so proud to say, real sympathy when they see I am upset. My very close Auntie, who is old school, an ex childminder and tells it how it is, once told me, that actually it doesn't really matter too much if the children see you angry or upset (within reason of course), they have tested you and discovered that by pushing that particular button the reaction they get is shouting or even tears. When they are 3 it is so very hard but take comfort that it does get easier and nothing feels better than the lovely hugs and mutual apologies that happen afterwards.

Just wanted to share my thoughts and hope it helps

stripeytiger you have brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for posting that.
I am aware that what I remember of my Dad(who passed away when I was 21) was not so much that he used to blow up(in face I rememmber that rather fondly as he was so articulate with it!), but that he had a fantastic sense of humour and was so intelligent and loved us unconditionally etc etc etc, so in the long run I know it should be okay. but I do want to do better, as it's spoiling my enjoyment of being a mum, so I'll hang in there. anyone else who wants to join in and post on good/bad days feel free.

Here's to Good Saturday. Better get myself to bed so I'm not tired and easy riled tomorrow. DH is not well and DD is feeding constantly so it's going to be a testing day.

Good Luck.

good night, sensible move! btw you're doing great to have managed to control it all a bit, while in that sleep-deprived state. mind you, I think at that point I surrounded myselfl with "helpers" at all times, so rarely had to handle both at once on my own. Till about DS2's first birthday actually...

Here's something else that might make you girls laugh. I was watching some daytime telly the other week - it was about badly behaved dogs. The lady in question (Bruce Forsyth's daughter) had two very badly behaved Yorkshire Terriers. Apparently they had been dognapped and as a result very barky, snappy and generally a nightmare. Anyway the dog expert lady was called in and after very little training, they did an exercise where someone rang the doorbell, the dogs went into their usual frenzy, she turned round, calmy put her hand up and said "thank you" in a stern and firm voice and hey presto the dogs were perfect.

As a joke I tried it on my ds (aged 7) this morning who was being a little buggar...and it worked. I nearly fell about laughing and so did he......just made me fall in love with him even more.

Here hoping everyone has a calm day tomorrow.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone.

Doing OK today. DH is ill so has gone back to bed and I'm on my own with the children. DS has been throwing things, has accidentally kicked me and managed to cover the kitchen in bubbles.

So far I'm managing to see the funny side

Hope your days are going well too.

Huge sympathy from another shouty mum. Especially when they were smaller i used to end up sobbing at how horrible I was to them. Now they are older I still see it effects them and hate that I am so volatile (also had a dad with a vile temper who I love but have mixed feelings about and really don't want to end up being similar to him in my parenting.) But they are also well loved and confident and I know where their volatility comes from.

One bit of advice - if you're after advice (don't mean to jump in as I certainly don't have many answers is to agree with your son when he hits the roof. If he screams about wanting dinner or not wanting it or whatever, just agree. I found when my kids were that age that it worked wonders. (Got the tip from Positive Parenting book which was really helpful.) Even if you want to scream back, by agreeing with whatever they're yelling about, you automatically feel more empathy with them, and they feel you're being empathetic and the whole situation cools right down so fast.

Other trick (also from same book) was to find them a cosy place to calm down, without it being a punishment. None of that naughty step mullarkey. Just a soft chair with a favourite cuddly toy/blanket but no tv or distraction and say when they feel better to come out of the chair as soon as they're ready. I still go and chill out in that chair without even realising that's what i'm doing when i get cross.

And like others have said - spot your triggers. Mine are always tiredness or outside stress. It's hardly ever really the kids that are winding me up. It's usually lack of sleep or work/money problems or stupid not-looking-after-yourself stuff.