controlling MY behaviour, not my kid's!!

[eisbaer]

Hi, looking for some tips here. I sometimes cannot keep my temper when my 3 year old is kicking off about something. I end up shouting back at him, sometimes even swearing. And I don't want to do this. I hate myself after it happens and hate the thought that he will be one of these kids at school who is desensitised(sp.?) to a raised voice because that's all he's had at home.
Here's the basic drill. He hits teatime and is RAGING about anything he can find to be annoyed about. I'll try my best, reason with him, ignore his shouting, do something else in another room, then he'll either lash out physically at his younger brother, at which I see red, or I'll just get this anger at how what he's getting annoyed about being such a non-issue, and how lucky we are in this country to be having all our fundamental needs met and how you never hear kids kicking off in developing countries. I did catch myself tonight, hollering "why do you always tantrum like this?" then thinking "hmm, I wonder where he sees behaviour like that....".
My Dad shouted a helluva lot, and I loved him to bits, but was a bit scared of him and hated the shouting. I really do not want to do this with all my kids and rule by fear/switch them off totally. So I'm looking for tips, things that you do if you are kind of like me but better in control, when you're starting to go a bit tonto?
Please don't reply if you're going to say a)my kids need taken into care or b) how negative an effect my behaviour will have because I am fully aware of this already an will spend the next day and half hating myself about shouting, until stress levels reach a certain point again.
I love both my kids to bits and am happy 80% of the time, but my reaction to my DS1's totally normal and natural behaviour bothers me greatly and I want to change it.
Any website or book recommendations would be welcome!
p.s. I am actually a nice person, and my husband is laconic patience personified, so sleep easy knowing my kids aren't in volatile hands the whole time! and also, in spite of all my hollering, I'm never close to hitting/smacking etc. Just acting like I'm at a football match and my team's losing. And I want my kids to feel like winners!

sorry for lack of posting, been up at my Mum's and her computer has died, it would seem. Had two excellent days, usually find it easier when other adults are there to help out. Was particularly pleased with self on Sunday lunchtime, when DS2 was having a total sh1t storm thanks to having eaten a creme egg on an empty stomach an hour previously, and so prob being more starving than normal. Then refusing to eat soup which would have rectified the situation. I was starting to get really mad, then just said to my mum "I'm finding it really hard to be patient at times" and handed over to her! Also, at another flashpoing, I just left the room(both kids safe) and played the piano for a few bars, totally brought me back into "adult with the upper hand" mode. So it looks like we might be making progress.
Def seeing the funny side, particularly when I tried the "thank you" with hand up, Stripey tiger. It did stop the flow of naughtiness for a nanosecond, then there was a humorous exchange of looks and normal service was resumed. gave me a chuckle though, all the funnier for its being a relative of Bruce Forsyth's somehow..
how have your past few days been Golden Snitch and anyone else?
p.s. have also brought the teatime forward, to whenever they(I) look to be getting demented and that's working a treat, too.

DD used to tantrum 10 or more times a day big style. One day I like you realised it was my behaviour that had to change. I felt I spent every minute of every day doing housework or doing things for her and battled to get some time to myself for a cuppa and a browse online. When I looked at it properly fighting for this me time meant that pc was on all day but i was forever up and down seeing to chores and dd and battling to actually get time on it. I guess DD was trying to get my attention. I changed my routine - washing in the machine then sit for breakfast with dd, then hoover/dust/empty washer etc if dd wanted me to join her in activity i would, sometimes she wanted to play on her own - my cue to switch pc on with a cuppa. I got time to do what i needed to, shop for groceries, send emails etc when all done switch off. Sit together for lunch, go to park, play in garden, do something together.... Chores got done, she got my full attention not half my attention coz i was doing chores or trying to have a cuppa. This meant she was more satisfied inbetween so i could have that cuppa in peace and not shout like a mad woman coz all she and dh care about is themselves...!

Ive shouted and screamed and sworn many a time and felt like i was losing the plot tho once i realised i had mild depression it made sense why i kept losing control and just not coping. I get like that occasionally but now i understand it i manage better.

Of course ignoring bad benhaviour rewarding good behaviour and letting some things just fly over your head and distraction are good strategies as well at times as well as occasional bribes!

I'm absolutely howling at the hands up and'Thank you' technique. I'm going to try that tommorrow just for scientific purposes .

So glad you posted this. I have been having a similar conversation with a friend and we were both really worried about being 'shouty mum's'. I have taken a lot of the advice given to you and I'm going to ride this 'non-shouty' bus with you. I absolutely hate myself when I reduce my 3yr old to tears. It makes me feel like I can't cope, that I need to be in control too much and that I'm basically a horrible bitch. I have to cuddle him immediately after the episode to relieve my guilt and comfort him. It's time for a change (Do I sound like Obama?) Good Luck and thanks again for this post and the replies.

Erm, please excuse the 'I'm going to ride this non-shouty bus' and 'It's time for change' bits . I'd had a few glasses .

eisbaer..My Dh goes into one (my DD2 calls them stompies !!) I have worked out that the moods are not only, as you are all posting, low blood sugar levels, also it is a wheat intolerance.

Honestly when he goes off wheat completely ( which is not easy as it is in nearly everything from the shops) he becomes a different person it is quite extraordinary.

I always gave my DCs a pretty plate of fruit when they are hungry ; it brings blood sugar levels up slowly which means there's no crash later . It doesn't fill them up so they are ready to eat when you've prepared it. it's worth a try. good luck.

Am with you totally on this one. I find it v hard to deep breathe or "laugh" about nothing spontaneously to break the atmosphere. Shouting seems to come so easily.

When I remember I put an abba or disco CD on, or infact anything on the radio and do a silly dance ..... so what if I look like a twit in my own home? One of my kids usually laughs at me, and hey presto - we have diversion from tantrum ....

Good luck ... you are not alone (and I wish I had taken on board my own advice this morning .......!!)

Will definitely be keeping an eye on this one.
You are so not alone Eisbaer. I sometimes get so frustrated and then am so mad at myself for not controlling the situation better when we all get upset.
Some great tips on here I am going to try.

I've been really calm for the past couple of days so I think DS upped the ante! He was hitting me today!

Managed to only loose it once at around dinner time and shouted at him. He went and sat on the stairs and cried

We made up before bed and he's alseep now.

Will try again tomorrow

I am new to the whole thing on on-line support, and am so glad I've come on board. I have a beautiful, funny, clever 3yoDD who I love to bits, but who is currently hitting every button she can find. She's very persistent and inventive in her search for buttons...

So much of what you have all been saying reflects my own behaviour. Knowing that is calming in itself. Now I just have to act on sorting myself out.

As for why she kicks off, or more usually turns from charm to crap (all sugar or all sh*te, as is said where I live), I need to do some more figuring out there but you've given me some good tips for what to look at.

Hi, thanks for this thread. I'm shouty (actually prone to tantrums myself ) and can find it difficult to deal with DD (2.10) who really does know how to press my buttons.

I'm trying to come up with various things to do every day so if we are having a refusing to go out day we do baking or crafty stuff and I really make the most of the days she goes to the CM .

I've also noticed the low blood sugar thing so have started taking some sandwiches or a banana everywhere we go - even if part of the treat is going for cafe lunch I would rather she didn't eat much than meltdown for ages.

The only other thing which is helping is being a bit more creative with consequences. If we're on the bus and going somewhere I want to go, she won't be allowed to press the bell unless she behaves...

Also have recognised that I am shouty (particularly when up a lot with DS (6mo)) and try not to take my tiredness or irritation out on DD...

Struggling today because I'm home alone and don't have the 6pm get out when DH gets back.

DS hasn't eaten any dinner but I've not shouted - so far!

Counted to 10 more than once though

Well Done Golden Snitch.
I reckon it's the all day at home thing that sets me off. I am inclined to do as much house work as possible when I'm in the house as it's glaring at me saying 'wash me, dust me, iron me' and there lies the problem. If I just leave the house around 11am and don't come back 'til 3ish then the shouting doesn't seem to occur. The kids don't get bored, I don't get stressed and the house work can wait.

I found out that our local children's centre was open during the hols from 11am-3pm. They suggested to pack a lunch and spend all day there, which me, ds1 and ds 2 did. It was fab. Paint (not on my carpet), glue (not on my sofa), new friends for ds1, (3.9yrs), diff toys and people to watch for ds 2 (9mth) and a bit of chat for me. No need to shout when we are all occupied. I think I may have cracked it.

NE Mummy - that sounds great!
Golden Snitch you are doing really well, am trying the counting to 10 thing too.
dd is usually at nursery today but is off sick so am trying to work while she plays. Don't think I will be shouty at all today though looking at her sad quiet little face. (v unusual for her)

I can also be a bit volcanic at times, one thing I've found works (sorry if anyone's mentioned it already) is when you want to shout, try lowering your voice as much as possible and talking really quietly instead, directly at them. What you say tends to have more impact.
I had to try that last night at tea when DS kicked off big time and threw his dinner on the floor, shattering the plate and ruining the food. Even he was a bit (but just a bit) stunned by the non-shouty response.
I still feel crap about his behaviour this morning though

I had forgotten about this website and after having a terribly shouty day with my DD3 yesterday, I came on here to look for some help/support and I found this thread. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone and am not a terrible mother. Thank you to everyone who has posted, you have made me feel so much better and assured that I can control my behaviour and make everyone happier!
My hubbie is away this week and my DD is missing him terribly and I know my tiredness has made me less empathetic than I should be. But, today is a new day and I am going to remember all your advice and make it a better day. Fingers crossed.

Heres another angle while we are analysing behaviour...!

Yesterday I errupted, I was shouting though I knew I was OTT and should really just shut up and deal with it differently.

The scenario was this - DD has been poorly with a cold, weve all got germs and feeling tired and grotty. Had a particularly bad night the night before and I ended up most of the night with her. Yesterday morning she was as bright as a button and we had a lovely morning filled with activities and got some much needed fresh air. By the afternoon she was such a pain. Usually i would say having a cold and beind tired our tolerance levels had dropped but i think it was more that because SHE was tired and poorly that was making her behave so badly as well as probs drop in blood sugars like you say. She was being really quite naughty and throwing things etc and waiting for a reaction, hitting me and trying to bite.

Anyway it went on and on and the final straw came when she launched an attack on me and despite being told several times to stay out my way while i had a cup of tea, she launched at me to knock the cup spilling tea everywhere. At first i didnt utter a word, was calm and could have cleaned it up an not uttered a word but after a short while i started ranting and raving about how I was tired and had been up all night with her and how it was abviously so selfish of me to sit down and have a break and was such a bad mother for having a simple cup of tea and should be devoting all my time to slaving away in the house doing chores coz thats all im good for...!

Thinking about it, it wasnt for dd benefit, dont know if she would understand all that! It was for dh benefit, like sending out an sos, im tired help me, take charge of this child! It was like letting him know that im feeling a bit under appreciated and could do with him helping a bit more instead of leaving all child care to me while he plays computer games.

Did it make any difference, NOPE! He had words with her tho did put her upstairs for a timeout chat a couple of times. I was left trying to make the tea while cutting out crafty bits for her and he just played games! I was tearing my hair out trying to get tea served up and she was just shouting at me for one thing and another but if i shout she shouts and her bahaviour gets worse she is just copying me! Tho dh does it sometimes too and winds her up and im fed up telling him that he is setting her off. Think we both need to just shut up sometimes and that sometimes this house is just too stressed!

Hi everyone. I would like to thank the OP for starting this thread and also everyone else for their honesty and input on this subject.
I felt like the worst mother ever for the way I sometimes blow up at my ds1 (3.2). I know it is mainly down to tiredness due to breastfeeding ds2 (21wks) but it doesn't stop me feeling awful. I have shouted right up in his face and called him stupid on occasion, which he is certainly not, he is extremely clever, which is one of the reasons he is being difficult. He feels threatened by his new brother and so is pushing more buttons.
I am from a very shouty, moody and over dramatic family so I know there is a lot of this that i have learnt over the years and I am now trying to unlearn it. My mum is prone to histrionics at the slightest thing and i am so desperate to not be like her. She also is annoying me at the moment because I am trying to stay calm and use consequences and she undermines me in front of my ds. for example the other day he had thrown something on the floor and I was trying to get him to pick it up. I had said it about 3 times and started to threaten with the 'we'll go straight home' thing, when she piped up 'he's never going to do it' while shaking her head!! She then preceded to tell me I was being too hard on him as he's so young-right in front of him! Dur...hello?? is it any wonder I struggle with parenting?! I haven't been disciplined myself and we were never really given clear boundaries so I am really keen to instill these things in my dc.
Anyway, i have digressed slightly, sorry. I am trying to talk calmly to my ds now and using a reward chart to encourage good behaviour. He is at nursery so we'll see what kind of afternoon we have later when I pick him up. Good luck with your tempers today everyone!!

Hi Tigerlily, Not nice when other people undermine your parenting especially in front of children. However look at the sentiment behind it. I was watching one of those super nanny things and I remember her saying something about choosing your battles. DD knocked a bowl of sweets off the table. I wanted her to pick them up she ignored me, I would like her to learn to pick things up after herself (she is 2.11) usually I repeatedly ask her to pick it up then get more and more annoyed coz ive made a threat like not going to the park or something if she doesnt then I feel like im looking stupid coz i have to enforce my threat when really i dont want to and actually she doesnt care anyway! Then as im getting more annoyed so does she about anything and everything and so it has a knock on effect. Back to the bowl of sweets...just left it and within 10 mins she did pick them up and there was no arguments, no shouting, no fuss. So in terms of picking my battles it wasnt worth arguing over, she picked them up and I continued to have a cup of tea in peace! Not to say that I remember to pick my battles all the time but it is certainly useful when i do!

yes, bossyboop, i did think that afterwards actually!! pick your battles. the only thing is that there are so many to choose from at the moment!!
i am currently holding ds2 and have a deadarm, hence rubbish typing btw.
ds2 is very clingy as he has bad acid reflux and sleeps with me. i think ds1 has found it very hard sharing me and we have subconsciously expected him to suddenly be an adult when he's only just 3. ds2 is only 21wks so it's still very early days for all of us but i have found it a struggle with 2. my dp is great and he is from a very balanced family so he can often calm things down.
i do have big issues with my mum though - she is clueless with parenting, handling bad behaviour and being a grown up in general (60 going on 16) so sometimes i try and be extra adult in front of her so she will learn too. just wish i had one of those roast dinners and make everything better mums. that's the kind of mum i hope i will be and that's maybe why i beat myself up so much. just don't want to make mistakes but it is inevitable!

Yeah ive been through this stage too lately. My 5 yr old seriously pushes my buttons and drives me spare sometimes.

I try and make light of the situation (if she is really bad though she goes on the bottom stair) but I try and just joke with her if she is kicking off to go to bed or wanting something and she cant have it. This isnt easy to do as I know how you feel, but it does get easier and i am now talking a lot more than shouting. When I realise I am getting shouty (sometimes our hormones are getting in the way too!) then I just take some time out for me or i ask o/h to take over while i can deep breathe and take 5 to calm down.

Sometimes though it cant be helped to shout as they really wont listen or they have been very bad, it certainly makes mine sit up and listen!

all the best to you and well done for working on this for you to make things better.

Also i praise mine lots, she loves praise and being told she is good and she is being good etc and distraction works wonders,along with reward charts but i make mine if they have been taxing they work on their reward chart for computer time, thats if they have been really bad..it works though.

DS didn't want to get dressed today.

He's been running round the house in nothing but a PJ top all day so far.

We have nowhere to be until later and the house is warm.

I'm picking my battles

Ah, there's nothing cuter than a peachy bum running free around the sitting room. Not mine - mine is more Melon like .

I was nearing hysteria by 11am this morning. My mums neighbour gave DS1 a musical triangle. Ting - ting - ting. Ting a ling a liiiiiing. Aaaaargh! I was reaching insania. But I packed a lunch and we hopped off to the children's centre. No shouting as we were both occupied. I keep thinking of this thread when I'm reaching my limits and it helps.

Tigerlily - think you found your own answer there...as you are understandably very busy with ds2 (i only have 1 dd and was/is clingy and can imagine there would be friction if i had another child) maybe ds1 needs a bit more 1:1 time with you (easier said than done) maybe do an activity together reading/colouring/bricks/crafting while ds2 sleeps or when dp is home to look after ds2. We all do our best and work our socks off trying to please everyone all of the time tho never usually for ourselves but sometimes its just not enough. I know there are times when i feel im giving a 100% to the home but then i realised yes all the chores are getting done and ive never had a minutes peace ive actually been talking to dd while empting the washer or cooking a meal but not actually giving her undivided attention. Maybe thats all he needs a bit of time with mum all to himself. Sometimes kids act up when they want attention even if its negative attention because they are being naughty, boys are brilliant at this as i recall when studying for my dissertation at uni or at least thats what all the books said! It will be hard for him being the star of the show for 3 years then suddenly mum has another star, he might feel a sidelined as he's just not able to understand. Have you read that book za za's baby brother or something or other about the zebra and his mummy has a baby and mummy doesnt have time for za za as she is busy with the baby but it has a happy ending coz when the baby goes to sleep mummy reads him a story and he has her all to himself.