controlling MY behaviour, not my kid's!!

[eisbaer]

Hi, looking for some tips here. I sometimes cannot keep my temper when my 3 year old is kicking off about something. I end up shouting back at him, sometimes even swearing. And I don't want to do this. I hate myself after it happens and hate the thought that he will be one of these kids at school who is desensitised(sp.?) to a raised voice because that's all he's had at home.
Here's the basic drill. He hits teatime and is RAGING about anything he can find to be annoyed about. I'll try my best, reason with him, ignore his shouting, do something else in another room, then he'll either lash out physically at his younger brother, at which I see red, or I'll just get this anger at how what he's getting annoyed about being such a non-issue, and how lucky we are in this country to be having all our fundamental needs met and how you never hear kids kicking off in developing countries. I did catch myself tonight, hollering "why do you always tantrum like this?" then thinking "hmm, I wonder where he sees behaviour like that....".
My Dad shouted a helluva lot, and I loved him to bits, but was a bit scared of him and hated the shouting. I really do not want to do this with all my kids and rule by fear/switch them off totally. So I'm looking for tips, things that you do if you are kind of like me but better in control, when you're starting to go a bit tonto?
Please don't reply if you're going to say a)my kids need taken into care or b) how negative an effect my behaviour will have because I am fully aware of this already an will spend the next day and half hating myself about shouting, until stress levels reach a certain point again.
I love both my kids to bits and am happy 80% of the time, but my reaction to my DS1's totally normal and natural behaviour bothers me greatly and I want to change it.
Any website or book recommendations would be welcome!
p.s. I am actually a nice person, and my husband is laconic patience personified, so sleep easy knowing my kids aren't in volatile hands the whole time! and also, in spite of all my hollering, I'm never close to hitting/smacking etc. Just acting like I'm at a football match and my team's losing. And I want my kids to feel like winners!

It's the end of the day and I just wanted to say that I had a 'shouting-free' day and I feel so much better! Thank you for this thread - I too thought about it when I felt my blood pressure starting to rise and quickly stopped myself from overreacting. My DD and I made a pact (we shook hands) this morning and said to each other that we were going to have a good, fun day and we did. If she raised her voice, I just told her that we are not shouting at each other anymore and not to talk like that etc. You know, my children (DD is 3 and DS is 8 months) are really happy, easygoing kids and I fear that if I don't control my behaviour now, I am going to turn them into little horrors. Tomorrow is another day and here's hoping it's just like today. Thanks again to everyone.

Day has started badly. DS tantrumming as he walked into my room to wake me up this morning!!!

Managed to keep calm while I woke up and got up and then hugged, kissed and tickled him till we'd both cheered up.

Still feeling like today might be a long one though!

I think you can only go a day at a time, and sometimes just an hour at a time (and on very TRYING days, 5 minutes at a time ).

That said, I was giggling horribly yesterday reading the comment about going into the bedroom and shouting AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH.... as DH works nights and is sleeping in the bedroom during the day. So here I spent the day yesterday giggling like an evil little troll thinking "oh well, if it gets too bad, I can go in the bedroom and shout.... it'll scare DH senseless, but I will feel better!" Obviously, I didn't do it, but just the thought was enough to return me to good humour throughout the day.

Hello, great to hear from others in the same shouty predicament.
Been trying a few things while up at my Mum's.

1. DS1 LOVES getting read to. When I found my stress levels rising, and me getting that resentful way about never getting one single job finished because DS1 is being naughty/attention-seeking(in fairness probably when I'm trying to accomplish some non-urgent bit of admin), and there being two saboteurs at my tail when I try to get us ready to go out etc., I just got out a book, sat down and read it to them in the most exaggerated, thespian voice ever and found it was impossible to stay annoyed and stressed. Couldn't even conjure up the feeling again when I tried, as an experiment. Think it's called distraction, but actually distracting myself from the situation in hand, not the boys!
2. just actually saying out loud to another adult(if present) that I'm finding it hard to stay patient at times seems to diffuse the feeling within.
3. Thirdly, DS1 has had some real biblical tantrums this week, usually at lunchtime. First one was after a creme egg on easter sunday but I blamed the sugar rush/crash, but then two other lunchtimes too. I'm talking monumental, head-butting, throwing stuff etc. etc. Good thing is I haven't shouted once. Part of that is probably because I've made sure that I've eaten enough before I start to deal with him, so I'm not radge with hunger. One time, I just kept putting him out of the room, and told him to come back in when he stopped shouting(ah, the irony..) eventually, I took him upstairs and read to him, which he would never refuse. Then, today, when he went ape because a roll he was eating broke in two(he broke it), and he wanted another whole one and I wouldn't give him another one, I put him in the car for the journey home and he was still going mental, undoing his straps etc. I then had a brainwave and reminded him in a very happy and exaggerated way that he was due to get two wee sweets as a reward for staying in his own bed all night long and not crying and shouting through the night. He couldn't bring himself to maintain the tantrum and not get a reward in the form of confectionery, so that more or less killed the spiral. And I felt fine, because he didn't "win" about the broken roll, he was being given a legitimate reward for something else that he'd done and been promised a reward for doing. I'm aware that sweets are not the answer to everything, but it sorted things out and got us on the road home. And I feel much better having not lost the plot for the last few days. I wish I could say I've been as good when it comes to dealing with my loveely, but very irritating at times Mum(isn't everyone's?), but that, my friends, is another thread foro another night.

p.s. Sweets are the answer to many things though, never forget that!

I can totally sympathise. I too get totally shouty and ratty at my 3 year old DS1 especially as he seems to save his worst behaviour for me and not his dad or nursery (who both think that he is a darling little thing!). He is very physical and thinks nothing of walloping me or his younger brother which makes me see red. I rant and rave and I swear he doesn't even notice any more. I am at my witts end!

don't despair, read all the posts, you are not alone and you want to do better, same as everyone else here. one day at a time.

I have to say I think its so amazing that all the comments here are so sympathetic and helpful, with no criticsm in sight. I had a bad episode with my 2 dd's tonight and was feeling a little out of control and like I was a bad mum. I came on here for a bit of solace as its hard not to be self critical.

Thank you mums out there for once again raising my spirits, as if you were proper friends.

Eisbaer - my ds1 is exactly the same if he breaks a roll or a banana or anything - absolute hysterics and demands another, even though he broke it!
We have had an ok week since my last post and I always think of this thread and the fact that so many others are the same as me when I am close to snapping!
Only thing was we had a huge tantrum over a kitkat - we shared a kitkat in the park and then the last piece I broke in half to share between myself and ds1...he went absolutely mad, screaming and crying cos he didn't want me to have it and was trying to take it out of my mouth while throwing his bit away and other bits all falling out of his shrieking mouth!!
DH took him out of the situation and we managed to laugh it off and felt like we'd handled it really well. It was actually so ridiculous that it was funny.
Later, when playing out back at home, ds1 managed to hit a little friend on the leg with a brick (it was holding a construction sign up outside a neighbour's house, they're having an extension)so the day took a turn for the worse and I did wallop him on the bum mid street! Calmed down then and he went on the step and then wasn't allowed to play with his cars again all p.m, which he was so upset about. We explained how wrong it was what he had done and I think he gets it now. He just picked it up and dropped it on the other boy, i was mortified! Thank god it was only his leg and only half a brick. His mum was very good about it too so it was ok in the end. They've been playing water fights today anyway so all is friendly again.
Hope you've all had a good weekend!

progress indeed today. Was getting grumpy on the way back from the park this morning and DS1 was dithering around not wanting to walk, REALISED THIS(there, you see, is the progress) and made a beeline for kitchen and got lunch ready asap. When DS1 wouldn't eat his/was heading for Tantrum Zone, I just horsed mine down first so that I wouldn't be grumpy while dealing with him. It worked! So, I realised I was about to get crabbit and tumbled the situation. Genius, whoever of you suggested that!
Think I'm also much more benevolent since we discovered that DS1 has obstructive sleep apnea and is getting tonsils and ads out soon. I'm much more understanding of his mood swings. And it has also highlighted that I have no such excuse when it comes to mine!
Was wondering how everyone else is doing this weather?

Have had a rubbish couple of days and have shouted more than once

SO hoping tomorrow is better

Sorry to hear that, Golden Snitch. Tomorrow is another day.
It's funny, you think you know how to avoid the "triggers" and you're half way through the drills and then - booya you end up just shouting. And it feels like a bit of a release, so much easier in a way than counting to ten, asking repeatedly and repeatedly and being ignored etc. But these things are worth sticking at and do work most of the time, is what I'm telling self.
Reason I'm so au fait on this is that I had a bad day today too. Both kids not on great form, needing taken out asap in the morning, and DS1 being particularly difficult. So I shouted, then felt awful, however I did spend the rest of the day being "tactical" about how to avoid boiling up again, since it was obviously one of these days for all of us. This included missing out a less-than-necessay visit to Primark this afternoon, in favour of the park. Much better for all of us!
Not sure why I barked, think I just woke up that way. Getting really frustrated at persistent bad behaviour(banging a hammer against the neighbour's wall) and so not really knowing how else to deal with it. Er, take the hammer away? Seems so easy now, doesn't it!
Here's to a better day for all of us tomorrow. GS is your husband still not well? That must be tricky too if so.

DH is better now but DD has started waking up twice in the night rather than her usual once and I'm tired (she's 16 weeks today).

Plus, I'm trying to lose weight so I've been doing more exercise so that's possibly making me tired too.

We've done better today, had quite a nice day. I just need a full night's sleep to recharge. Not going to happen for a while unfortuneately as DD is breastfed and will not take a bottle no matter how hard we try!

Just have to cope for now.

Well done for turning your day around. I always find that the hardest thing to do so I'm very impressed!

Hi,

I used to shout more, I think when I was shouting it was like I wanted people to hear, to come and tell dd off for me in a way that was better than my way. I wasn't experienced enough, didn't know how to handle it at all. It's a learning curve imo. I was a young single mum (having had 2 abusive relationships) and also had PND for the first 2-3yrs of being a mum which obviously didn't help. It wasn't until dd1 was 3 years old I realised no-one is coming to do this for me and if I don't learn to deal with this and manage both of our behaviour I'm really going to be in the shit when she's a teenager.

I try to remember I want them to have good childhood memories and I do not want those memories to be tarred with me screaming and ranting and shouting and smacking.

Dd1 is 10 now and I think I deal with it ok, the attitude drives me mad, the sulking, the expecting everything on a plate and the whining when things don't go her way or moaning at me about things I have no control over but I keep trying to remember being her age and I also try to nip it in the bud a long time before she goes to far, she gets a lot of warnings, she is not too old to be told to sit in time out on the stairs or to go to bed early or to confiscate things, I occasionally rant that she isn't the only person that exists and to think about others but I don't shout really anymore, oh occasionally when she has pushed and pushed I do threaten to strip her room down to just a bed, I would do it if she carried on but she hasn't yet, I won't rule it out.

It gets better............and they will appreciate me, when they have left home and have children of their own, I hope.

Have had a bad day today. Don't even want to describe it. Buttons were pushed, it all just seems impossibly difficult just now. Tired and despondent.
And disappointed that I still resorted to the old path, after all the new ideas I'd been putting into practice.
Tomorrow will be different, hopefully.

Was about to start a thread about this. Another supra shouty mother. I even shout at my lovely little baby too sometimes. (You don't need to tell me how completely unacceptable this is, I know. )

"I think first thing I'm going to do is accept that I'm prone to temper outbursts, rather than try and be someone who doesn't have them." I think this could be the way ahead. I can't be someone I'm not, I just need to be a better version of the person I am.

For those of you who walk out of the room and scream into a pillow, or do star jumps et al, don't your DC know you're mad anyway? If I go out of the room to jump up and down on the spot, when I return DS (nearly 3) still looks sad because he knows I'm cross, even if I'm not loosing it.