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Original poster

HV visit - reassure me please!

53 replies

ButterPie · 24/03/2010 02:07

OK, so the hv came round today. I have DD1 who has just turned 3 and DD2 who is 4.5mo.

The HV was not happy with the following things:

DD1:
Still has a dummy for naps and bedtime
Still wears pull up nappies (uses a potty too, but we keep trying knickers and it just isn't happening yet)
Is learning her letters and numbers because she is interested in them
Is not in nursery or childcare of any kind

DD2:
has not been weighed since she was 8 wo
sometimes co-sleeps

I'm not some kind of weirdo mother who is stunting her children's growth am I?

OP posts:
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tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/03/2010 02:16

Is she concerned about the weight of your younger? Because it doesn't sound like she is, she's just being judgemental.

No, you're fine. She's an idiot. Nowt wrong with co-sleeping, nowt wrong with learning letters (does she think you are forcing her?), loads of kids aren't completely PT at 3.

What's the issue with nursery? Does she think there's a lack of contact with other kids?

Woman sounds a bit barmy to me.

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 24/03/2010 02:21

OK, I'm no expert, so I'll just let you know where I am before I go to bed. I have DS 4.5 and DD 14m, so similar age gap.

At 3.5, DS:
Had never taken to a dummy (Not for want of trying on my part )
Was still in Nappies, never mind pull ups, still a couple of months away from even attempting potty training.
Was very interested in numbers and learning them.
Had been in nursery for a whole 6 weeks.

At 4.5m,DD

Had been weighed once, and then only because I'd had a home birth, and they wanted to double check her birthweight at the GP's. And she's tiny. Hope this helps.

lolapoppins · 24/03/2010 09:15

All those things applied to my ds when he was little.

Only difference was we didn't have a health visitor, you don't have to have one if you don't want to.

I get very upset when I hear people say hvs 'weren't happy'. If your child is healthy and happy and you take them to a doctor if they are not then there is no problem.

cory · 24/03/2010 12:57

Perhaps you should just be a bit more reticent around this woman? She doesn't have to know what your bedtimes are like or how you keep your dd amused. Use her when/if you find her useful, but don't tell her everything.

CharlieBoo · 24/03/2010 13:22

Agree with cory, my rule of thumb is to answer questions, I rarely give them any voluntary information as they always seem to have something to say. You can't do right for doing wrong at times with them. The weight thing Mine would have pulled me up too. We have to take babies under 6 months a minimum of once a month to be weighed where I live.

Take with pinch of salt, you could be mother Mary and still not be perfect to them! X

lolapoppins · 24/03/2010 13:44

Charlieboo - who said you have to take your baby to be weighed once a month??? Sorry, but that is rediculous. You don't have to at all if you don't want to. The hv service is not compulsory (even though friends of mine have been told it was! They compained to the practice manager and the hv was left red faced).

We had all sorts of commments from the midwives when I was pregnant as we don't use the nhs. We found a pediatrician at a private hospital to do all ds checks/immunisations/ visits for illnesses, therefore not using a gp or health visitor. One had the gall to tell me it was illegal to opt out of the nhs and go private,which of course it's not! The ped set her straight, apparently he has to do it a lot when people choose to see him instead of hvs or gps.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 24/03/2010 13:50

I'm sure any HV would find plenty to disapprove of here- if they could ever get me in!

They put a card through the door about 2 months after we moved here to say they came round but I was (gasp!) OUT! A year later when I went to get dd1's pre-school booster the HV in charge frowned at me and said, "You've got another dd too, haven't you?" When I agreed she said "Well, WE'VE never seen her!" Erm, it's not as if I keep her under the floorboards...

ds was never weighed after the first 2 wks, as he was feeding happily and I was happy with him- there's no law that says you have to get them weighed every so often! I really wouldn't worry-you sound like you are doing fine

Original poster
ButterPie · 24/03/2010 13:51

She asked me though, she wanted to know if I was getting breaks and if DD1 was getting out and about. I told her that almost every day we all go on trips or go to playgroup or dancing lesson or at least she goes to the ILs to play for a while but she still made a face.

Meh. I know why they come round, I have read about why health visitors were brought in, so I shouldn't really moan, but they just seem so rigid. She assumed I would have a problem with cooking food for my baby when she weans (me and DP love cooking and babies eat such simple food anyway), she assumed I would be depressed (OK, I have a history of PND, doesn't mean I will get it with every baby), she wanted all the details of where DD1 would be going to school (we are debating HE, so that was awkward), she wanted to know what I was doing about my career (I'm a very homey SAHM who is dabbling in part time work from home, but with no big career plan atm), she was surprised that i was "managing" to bf such a big baby (a 4.5mo on the 25th percentile), I should know that a lot has changed since I weaned DD1 (I kept telling her that I read up constantly on what is going on children's health wise because I am a ready type of person) and so on...

Meh, I just keep thinking of how helpful the old hv was when I was having trouble with DD1 and put up with it, but it is mightily annoying.

OP posts:
LleytonsMummy · 24/03/2010 14:13

Kinda related but not .. I've never liked HV's for the sole reason when I has DS1 who was a few weeks I also DD who was 6, she looked at both of them and said " I assume they have different fathers "
What was more upsetting is that they did as I had DD at 17 and then met DH and had DS at 24 ... I really wish I could have said they are actually both DH's ...
I really really should have reported her but at 24 I was still too nice .. I am now almost 30 and I would now have GONE mental at her ... ...Don't worry your DC's sound perfect!

LleytonsMummy · 24/03/2010 14:15

p.s sorry for the bad grammar I have a wriggle worm of a toddler on my lap!

mrsbean78 · 24/03/2010 14:29

Apologies to anyone who is a HV, but what are they for exactly? I'm not being facetious, I just don't understand? Why all the weighing? I'm not from the UK originally and it all seems a bit OTT to me.. I can understand them intervening if there were serious concerns but from what I read on these boards they can comment on general choices you make about parenting, even if they have no evidence or reason to do so? How come?

Original poster
ButterPie · 24/03/2010 14:39

They were brought in as part of the general alarm about the nation's health, they were meant to advise on things like trying to give your child some vegetables every now and again and to encourage the mothers to take the baby out for a walk and so on.

I think the idea is that they check the child isn't woefully behind in development and the mother isn't suffering from PND, as well as all the checking for abuse and all that.

I once got a serious telling off and a threat of a referral to SS because a hv came round at 9am when my first baby was weeks old and there was a half full glass of beer on the table. It was from the night before, when DP had been too tired to finish it and we had only just got up, but she gave us advice about drinking in the daytime anyway

I also got told off for cuddling DD1 too much when she was days old. Recipe for PND, that advice is.

OP posts:
mrsbean78 · 24/03/2010 14:47

Butterpie!
Where is the evidence, that's what gets to me... fair enough, referrals to SS for abuse and/or to other agencies for developmental lag, but I don't understand why or how they are allowed to make pronouncements about things based on such flimsy evidence as half a can of beer or a messy house or what have you..

teaandcakeplease · 24/03/2010 14:48

Well my DD is 2 and a half, is still in pull ups but wee's on potty too, just can't get the poo thing at all!
Has a dummy for sleeping only too.
Never been to nursery or childminders. Just started her in pre-school 2 mornings a week though!
Knows her alphabet and colours and numbers up to 20.

My son is 14 months so they're only 17 months apart. I was actually quite good at getting him weighed at the time they suggest but it was only a short walk from my flat. And I liked seeing my hv as she was nice and never criticised or judged me.

Your situation sounds normal to me, does your hv even have her own kids? Or is she an old judgmental f*rt

teaandcakeplease · 24/03/2010 14:51

P.S my son was on the 98th percentile on chart, born weighing 9lbs 8oz and was BF exclusively to age 6 months, no formula. So total nonsense not being able to BF a big baby.

CharlieBoo · 24/03/2010 15:31

It's standard round here now, was certainly not like this when my ds was born 5 years ago, quite the opposite in fact. My dd is 10 months, had her weighed 3 weeks ago and we going away in Easter hols, they would like, but not essential to see her before. They like to see all babies under a year once a month. I think ridiculous too but I go as I don't want to be told off! Eeek! So I go and say nothing, yes yes all fine here sort of thing lol x

pigletmania · 24/03/2010 17:39

What an interferring bat, there is no legal requirement that you have to have your child weighed regularly, I have only had my dd just turned 3 weighed there a handful of times. Also your 3 year old sounds fine to tbh, my hv was fantastic about the potty thing, as i was getting so stressed, she told me a month ago to put all potties away and dont mention it unless dd asks for it. My hv said that at that stage (dd was 2.11 years at the time) they would not be concerned as children are different and will do it when they are ready. Also it is not a legal requrement to have your dd age 3 in any form of education at the moment. The HV sounds really interferring and wrong, ignore.

pigletmania · 24/03/2010 17:45

Butterpie your hv sounds barmey and like she needs SS quick. You sound fine to me and doing really well. Be more assertive! Dont let them walk all over you!

mumofoliver · 24/03/2010 18:10

She does sound barmy to me. I saw the HV for the first time in absolute ages last week to get DD weighed (first time in about 4 months). DS is 3 and DD 1. We are planning to potty train DS over Easter but not sure whether we are pushing him - she told me absolutely that we should delay it and wait for him to be ready. He also has a dummy and she wasn't worried about that. HTH

lolapoppins · 24/03/2010 18:16

Charlieboo - there is no such thing as it being standard though. I feel really angry that people are being told that it is. You do not have to see a hv at all if you don't want to. Can't believe they can get away with insisting on seeing people.

lolapoppins · 24/03/2010 18:25

Actually charlieboo I find it quite shocking they want to see her before you go on hols. I went off traveling Round Europe with ds for Three months when he was six months old, what would they have done then? Absolute madness.

Missus84 · 24/03/2010 18:28

All the things you mention are parenting choices, not health issues, so outside of the HV's remit.

Unless there is a problem with your baby's weight, then don't worry.

mehdismummy · 24/03/2010 18:48

i told a hv to fuck off because she told me i was wrong to bf ds at 18 mths. but i have had a wonderful hv since then and even though she doesnt come to see ds anymore (he is 4) she still emails me.

pigletmania · 24/03/2010 19:14

s learning her letters and numbers because she is interested in them

OMG what a fruitcake this hv is! What planet is she on, being concerned that a child is intersted in learning!

DelsParadiseWife · 24/03/2010 19:30

I've been told (by a HV I trust) that I HAVE to weigh dd regularly to demonstrate to the 'authorities' that I am not a neglectful mother, as I have chosen not to immunise, and have an older child with SEN so SS have their beaks in our house. Apparently not doing so, could mean 'trouble' from them. Unsubstantiated, but unwanted nevertheless. Crazy.