HV visit - reassure me please!

[ButterPie]

OK, so the hv came round today. I have DD1 who has just turned 3 and DD2 who is 4.5mo.

The HV was not happy with the following things:

DD1:
Still has a dummy for naps and bedtime
Still wears pull up nappies (uses a potty too, but we keep trying knickers and it just isn't happening yet)
Is learning her letters and numbers because she is interested in them
Is not in nursery or childcare of any kind

DD2:
has not been weighed since she was 8 wo
sometimes co-sleeps

I'm not some kind of weirdo mother who is stunting her children's growth am I?

you sound fine to me! not every parent does everything the same, does the hv not realise that?? but that said, what you've mentioned does not sound particularly unusual or weird in any way?
she sounds nosy and 2 big for her boots, just ignore her and dont let it get to u. although can imagine u must be feeling quite annoyed someone coming round and trying to tell u all these things you are doing "wrong"
also this is quite unbalanced of a hv service, some ppl they are almost harasing by send them soo often yet round here we can't even get the normal developmental checks, you wouldn't see a hv at all unless u actively go after seeing them. both mine have only seen once @ home, and ds1 i did take him in just the once @ the clinic too to ask about a cough, but otherwise you just dont see them round here. would be more sensible 2 share them out wouldnt it, give the development checks for everyone like each 6 months or whatever and leave it @ that??

Sorry to hi-jack the thread but could anyone tell me what, if anything, we have to do in terms of HV vists??

Pregnant with first and have seen so many threads about 'HV worried about weight gain', 'HV says to wean early / top up with formula', 'HV worried LO not meeting milestones' etc. etc. that I'm already dreading having to deal with them.

Do I have to or can I opt out as it were?

As you were

You don't ever have to see a HV.

I did with dd1 and never again - she was a weird cow who stank of smoke and her first words to me were "you'll never manage to bf a 10lb baby - you need to get her on the bottle" (this was only 10 years ago).

I kept seeing her cos I didn't think I had any choice until the day she started insisting that I should have dd1 ina routine and gave me a copy of CLBB.

I didn't see her much after that, and never with the other two!

Thanks for the answer weegiemum - now I just have to start convincing DH (who has a silly amount of faith in anyone medical) that HV's don't always now what they are talking about.

But you never know - I might actually end up with one of the good ones!!

Butterpie really can't see what she is tutting about. Just go on as you were and ignore her.

10 days after the birth of both my kids the midwife handed me over to the HV's, so to speak. So informed local HV I'd had a baby and they came to my flat to weigh baby and introduce themselves a few days later and told me where and when my local baby clinic was etc.

My HVs have been lovely and when I've had problems with my kids, I've called them and they've had a chat on phone with me.

I have yet to meet a HV who knows what she is talking about.

I saw 3 overall - none of them had children which I don't think helped.

Apologies to the good ones out there - there just obviously weren't any where I lived at the time!

I got poor (bordering on dangerous once or twice) advice on: breastfeeding, expressing, weaning, sleep, nappies, nappy rash, wind, colic and febrile convulsions before I gave up.

Barking is the only word for her. Does she have any children? I find the best HV are ones who have had them, but there are some that just follow text-books rather than experience.

I have a very good HV now, who has helped loads with DS2's SN, however the one we had before was awful - always looking for problems. I think yours sounds the same.

Just carry on as you were. It all sounds fine to me.

I saw the MW after the birth and that was quite useful but HV's can come in if I happen to be home but I wouldn't wait in for one and once they stop visiting me at home then we're done.
If I have any concerns I'll let them know, if they have any concerns they can piss off (because they are rarely based on medical evidence).

I've got my son's 3-year check coming up and I'm soooo looking forward to it. She called me 'one of those mothers' when she found out I was breastfeeding at 18 months so she'll probably go apoplectic when she realises I'm still at it! I must remember to have Ann Sinnott's book lying around somewhere prominent to wind her up even more.

I really would take no notice whatsoever, Butterpie. My son's still in pullups. So are lots of three-year-olds. He also still co-sleeps and he has been weighed about twice in his life. It sounds as if your two are happy, healthy, socially active and well stimulated, so put her out of your mind and let your children develop at their own pace.

I know some of you saying you don't need to take them but they make you feel like you do! Like I said my dd 10 months now, I have no concerns, her weight gain is a bit too good iykwim and I would rather dip in when I need them. Shall I just say I feel I don't need to bring her anymore or just not go? Do you not have to go for the year check? I don't mind going but I don't need to, I def think they have have dotted the i's and crossed the t's since the whole baby p thing. They weren't interested when I had my son and ironically that's when I needed their advice more with him being my first baby.

For developmental checks they usually call me to arrange an appointment and then we meet for those.

With regards to weighing I just stopped going at 6 months as I kept forgetting tbh, as by then they were on solids and happy.

My HV is/was lovely but a bit too softly softly imo. She wasHV for dd but went on mat.leave when she was about 6 weeks old and we never saw another one until her developmental check (for the free books ).

Same HV this time round, came to do a primary visit, and kept talking in a silly hushed voice. Eg "Have you or your dp ever had any problems with low mood?" and similarly "How is your bleeding doing?". She sounded embarrassed to be discussing the issues that really it's her job to discuss . Either that or she'd been on some odd communications skills workshop.

Took ds to be weighed the other week as I was curious about his weight. He had crossed a centile line so HV, not mine, said "ooh how much milk is he taking?" When I pointed out that I had no idea as I was breast feeding on demand she was silent. I felt that her assumption was that he was ff and that she made this assumption based on my style of dress.

Oh and ButterPie you are def. not a weirdo mother!

she is not qualified to be worried whether ur kid is or is not interested in letters!! I would always follow my babies interests thats the best way to learn in life!!! Plus who wants to put off children's interests in letters!!!! GGGRRRR makes me angry as I am a teacher.

I wished i had known it was optional having hv over!!! My one said it was worrying that i want to go out everyday (i.e. to a group, coffee wiv m8s or shopping) and should ask for help if this persists...i would be a cause for concern if i stayed in all day with my baby in my opinon.

Mayb HV should let us come to them if we want advice...

CharlieBoo, honestly, I'd just say I don't think we need this level of contact and I'd rather free up the resource for someone who does, thanks anyway, see you next baby. Every month for a child the age of yours is ridiculous.

I think part of the issue here is that HVs do see a lot of mums who need assistance, who haven't read the books or joined Mumsnet or whatever, and for whom they're quite helpful - and then when they visit the more educated ones

(educated about parenting, I mean, I'm not making any judgements about academic achievement, obviously)

they need to find something to advise, otherwise it's a wasted visit. They like to feel useful and more knowledgable than the mum, they're used to feeling that way, and so it becomes automatic to secondguess them.

Having said that, my only experience with our equivalent over here, a lactation consultant midwife, was lovely. She mopped up my postnatal hormonally induced tears, gave me advice on dealing with engorgement (but then said 'but given your labour I'm sure you have a high pain threshold anyway' ), and left me to it.

But that's because she was attached to my lovely little alternative low intervention midwife run hospital, who also told me I didn't need to agree to the government HV coming out. Never saw an HV, never wanted to.

Blimey - what a loon your HV is.

FWIW - DS only gave up his dummy when he was 4 (only had it at night from about 3.5 and prior to that for naps).
Wore pull ups and nappies on and off until dry at 3.5-4.
Showed bugger all interest in letters/numbers etc (think your DS sounds excellent)
Wasn't weighed after 8 months
And co-slept with me on and of until age...ooops....he still does at 7 sometimes.

Oh and I am a HV.

JollyPirate - what do HVs actually check for at the three-year check? We have ours looming and it would be nice to have a vague idea of what she's going to want to know. I've gathered from Google that she'll want to see if he can stand on one leg, but that's about all I can find

Wow, you all have HVs who actually contact you? Here they cancelled the drop in clinics when DD was 5 months. Apart from her jags we haven't heard a peep from anyone since.

Sorry to hear that your hv sounds like such an idiot. My ds is much younger than your dc but I don't think there is anything unusual in what you have said at all except the fact that your hv sounds like a nosy and judgemental cow.
Jamiejay - for what its worth my hv is fantastic - always really friendly and supportive and telling me how gorgeous ds is which is always welcome. She has some useful advice but has only offered it when I have asked a specific question and after the first few weeks of weigh - ins just said phone for an appointment when ever you want to see me, other than that see you for the jags. Hope you are lucky and get a good one.

Ah spiderlight - in our area they just send out a questionnaire for the three year check. Mostly it's about making sure there are no speech and language concerns, hearing concerns or fine motor skill concerns.

Yep, I am another ex-pat living here and I had a HV visit when I had my DD and never again. I thought it was weird, intrusive, and frankly non of her business. At least the HV said after her first visit, that she was confident I had everything under control and that she suspected I would not see a HV again. I bought a baby scale and weighed my DD every week and charted it myself. When I had any serious concerns I called my mother (a physician) and if necessary went to a GP. I often read these threads about barmy HV's and wonder why people let them intrude into their personal lives. Unless you feel you need someone to 'guide' you through motherhood I really see no reason to see one.

Well, he can talk for 14 hours without drawing breath and hear me opening a packet of biscuits from the far end of the garden, so I think we're OK on the first two, at least! Thanks.

All sounds VERY normal to me spider. Especially the bit about the biscuits .

For fine motor skills she'll just watch him hold a pencil or pen - he should be adapting from holding it in the full palm to a tripod grip for writing/drawing etc.

And hopefully canuck the barmy ones quoted on here should be an exception rather than the norm (although I sometimes wonder).