Everyone elses girl but mine!

[mememum]

I wonder if anyone else has had this problem and if you have did it resolve itself or take alot of work and patience?
DD1 has always been a daddys girl from day 1! in fact she is so affectionate with everyone else. But lately the problem has got really bad. She is only 2.1y but It feels like she hates me. I know that she's only young and doesn't understand what she's doing. She has gone to Grandma's today and was out of the door as soon as Grandma pulled up. Every morning she asks for Daddy and screams for 10 minutes whilst I explain he's at work. I try to play with her she says no! I try to cuddle her she says no! Kisses - NO! Beginning to really get to me as I just feel useless. Almost in tears writing this. I do have a 4month old baby but this really started before she was born. We do have one to one time but she just plays with her toys and gets angry if I try to help or participate. Any suggestions as I can't let this get any worse.

Aww mememum.
Maybe you need to stop trying for a bit. Go off and do your own things rather than trying to enter her world. Try to please yourself and give her some space. I saw this work for a woman on TV once. Her daughter eventually came to her, but it wasn't until she had completely stopped going after her daughter, iyswim.

mememum, someone once told me about a similar problem with her dd. Eventually, her dh went abroad on business for around 6 weeks, there was ONLY mummy at home, so the little dd had to get used to mummy... she said that things were never quite as bad again. hth.

Message withdrawn

I have two girls. Daddy is away often, and when he's here it's "Daddy do it, daddy take me, I want my DADDY!!!!" - but I have made it my mission NOT to get upset because of it.

Girls are often daddy-centric. Mummies are more often than not for a lot of children, that person who is ALWAYS around, and therefore the person they don't try to impress, and the person who they can "toy" with to guage cause and effect of their behaviour. Probably because it is always still "safe" - they know mummy will love them regardless, even if they are the living end sometimes.

I think the phase can be a long one. I agree with Spidermama that you should try less, and therefore at the least would not be goading yourself into a state by constantly testing the ground. She'll soon come to you when she needs you. You can still make yourself available. Still give her gentle reassurance that you are just there for her if she needs your help, a cuddle, whatever.

And also a small baby means she is now running to whatever person at the moment still wants to give her total attention (children are the centre of their whole universe and take umbridge at feeling like their place is being moved), whereas she now has a sibling with whom to compete with you.

Does this make sense?

My Dh does work away so she is used to just having me alone but as long as I take care of the basics and no more she can just about stand to be near me.
I want to try the leave her alone option but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel as if she will think I'm rejecting her or she'll feel as if she has got her way.
I think its right that she sees other as more exciting but when she refuses to even have a cuddle it breaks my heart.
Thank you for all your kind words.

I have a 3 year old who is similar. As soon as she wakes up she asks for Daddy, if I tell her off she cries and ask for Daddy, if she falls over she asks for Daddy. It does upset though I try very hard for it not to, think it is a natural feeling. I just put it down to the fact that I am around all the time and Daddy isnt. I'm just hoping that my 15 month old daughter wont be the same.

Jenkel, has it always been like that for you or did it start at a certain age? I can't pin point a certain age myself but I do wonder if it has always been there. My DD2 is 4m and I'm hoping the same as you. I think Catbert is right about the 'daady-centric' thing. Wonder if anyone else has this problem with their boys? Trying desperately not to let it affect me but I suppose I'm just alot more sensitve than I thought.

This post has made me feel a lot better - my DD 19 months is exactly the same. She even pushed me away in the middle of the night and screamed for Daddy (can't say I minded too much at the time). I guess it seems unnatural for DD to ask for Daddy somehow - I can't help but take it personally, even though I may know deep down that it doesn't mean that she don't love us etc. One thing that made me feel better - we went away the other week to St Ives, and Daddy could only be there at the weekends. She didn't ask for him once whilst he was away - but as soon as he came back she wouldn't come to me. I realised that if she didn't like me/ want me she would have cried more for Daddy but she didn't. She does give me cuddles etc when Daddy not around, but I do sometimes feel left out when he is around. On the flip side I am pleased that she loves her daddy as it must feel very special when she runs to him on his return. She has never ever made a fuss of my returning!!!

Just more reassurance that you're not alone, although in my case it's my ds1 who always wants his daddy and really doesn't seem to want me at all. It started very early (before he was 6 months actually) and although I put some of it down to the fact I'm always around I think it's also because he has a marked preference for other male company (e.g. grandads also preferred over grandmas). He is now 3.5 and has started being more affectionate to me at last. I'm not sure whether this is just because he's moved out of a phase or because he now has to compete with his baby brother for my affection (he was nearly 3 when ds2 was born).

Not sure when it started, think it became noticeable when she started to speak, so probably for the last year. However, the other day she was outside playing with daddy and she fell over and asked for me, which made me feel a little better.

Awww you have my sympathies and understanding!

My dd was a no mummy go away, and then smile sweetly at Daddy and ask him to do whatever i was about to do for her.
Grandparents have her when i'm working, and sometimes she'd scream the house down cos i'd come to pick her up

At times when i was tired or feeling low, i'd get upset about this, but generally i knew it was a phase, and as someone else said, because i'm with her majority of the time, i was the 'boring' one.
Evenutally i got used to it, i just thought oh well, i'll leave her to it and enjoy some me time!

Now she is 2.5 things are evening out and all adults in her life get a fair share of being her favourites and this changes on a daily basis!

mememum, it sounds like my house!!!!

My dd (21 months) is very much a daddys girl. I even started a thread about this not so long back.
The general feedabck I got from it was that because she spent so much time with me she would want her daddy so much more (dh works away a fair bit).

Some people also reccomended that I take her to Nursery for a couple of days so that maybe she could appreciate me a bit more as her mum and actually be pleased to see me for once.
I occasionaly work with dh and dd will go to MIL's for the day. Like your little girl, my dd would be straight out the door and when we got back straight to daddy, giving him cuddles.

This kind of subsided for a while and I didn't feel as bad about it until we had a visit with out HV.She asked what dd calls me. When I told her that she doesn't have a name for me she looked a little stumped!!
I don't know if it's just me being daft or whether it's just a genuine developmental thing that she can't say mama, mummy etc but it still niggles me.

I really do know how you feel, it is upsetting but your dd won't hate you. She'll love you to pieces.
I hope things get better for you.

I'm so pleased I'm not the only one which I know sounds so horrible! I try to remind myself its fantastic to have this little girl who wants to be sociable with everyone but sometimes it just hits you! The nursery idea sounds good and one to explore further. It's also good to hear its not just a girl thing and boys feel this way too.
Still I can't wait for the day she turns round and gives me that spontaneous cuddle! Till then I'll enjoy the peace and quiet!

Yeah same here. Really used to upset me. Dh was sympathetic, told dd not to be rude blah blah, but also we decided that I wouldn't make a fuss or let dd know I was bothered. Maybe it was a control thing, she knew she could get to me. We never had a problem if it was just me and her but if daddy was around too she would choose him. It got rather worse when her dad was seriously ill, but it also made a turning point for us. It may have been a coincidence, but we became a lot closer then. Does that make sense? Anyway she's now 8 and I would be very hard pushed to say if she preferred one of us. She likes me for some things and daddy for others.

i find that most children want the most absent parent. they know that the parent around most is always around, consiquently the one that does the most correcting. the parent that works or the week-end parent just is around long enough to spoil or to make that child feel special.

i have the problem you describe not quite the same but the same. older child, absent real father.

hope this helps. don't cry. she does love you.

mememum, I have the same thing from ds1 (3y4m). It's worse after the weekends when he's got used to having lots of attention from dp. Then come Monday morning it's me that has to deal with him. He even tells me he's sad because daddy isn't there. Depending on my mood, I can either cope or I growl something about it being tough, because daddy has to go to work and I'm the one that's looking after him. I know he does appreciate me too, just I suppose I'm not so exciting most of the time! Daddys (if they are not the ones at home caring for the children the majority of the time) can do the exciting bits because they don't have to keep up with the kids for 24h of the day.

I've found that nursery does help. Sometimes ds1 even tells me he's missed me when I go to collect him - and yesterday he said I came too late, and he started getting sad when the other parents were picking up their children.

Also, after ds2 came along it really seemed to split us into dp+ds1 and me+ds2 - I spend most of my time looking after ds2 especially as he's been very ill over the past year. So I now have Friday afternoons with ds2 in nursery and time for me to be with ds1 and no-one else. I really like the opportunity to give him one-to-one attention for a little bit. We catch the train to a football class and have a bit of a chat on the way.

He can still alternate between wanting cuddles and refusing to have any, though. It's difficult and I feel for you.

hey mememum aer you and your dh together or split....???

sorry mememunm meant ARE you...

Me and hubby are together but he works away alot. Sometimes for weeks at a time, sometimes for a couple of days. Like Posey said he really tries to get her to come to me but I don't like to force her. I find our house has split aswell SamN,DH+DD1 Me+DD2. That was the one thing I especially didn't want!

hi mememum my hubby works fulltime, although not away like yours and I have this problem also, I find all four of my kids so affectionate to everyone else but me....I spend the majority of my day with them and then daddy comes in they seem to take a bee line for him and act as if they had the worst day ever with me and had not seen him in a zillion years!!!.........and even when my sister came to see it was the same......so totally understand how you feel about this.

On a practical note, is there any way you could work mummy and daughter time each week? Maybe an activity that just you and her do - music class or mum and toddler swim class - something that involves physical contact and sociable fun?
Maybe her seeing the way other kids act around their mum will help?

Even getting a favourite mag each week and going through it together when baby is sleeping.

It should be made to be a big fantasic deal - and DP should not replace you if you can't make it one week.

JOSIE3 you have a point there.....

That sounds a great idea I did this with DS for other reasons when he was feeling left out and he loved it. (I got him to take me out on a date to a "fancy" restruant a couple of times). It made such a difference to the way we interacted with each other.

Maybe preschool gymnastics or anything where parents join in.

Skribble....agree also...

The being together thing sounds a great idea. I have tried something like it before where we went for a walk - just the two of us. I don't drive so I can't take her somewhere like swimming etc. I am going to try it again but she screamed blue murder wanting Daddy.
Trying the giving her space thing at the moment and she's really happy that I'm not doing anything with her!!! Been doing it for two days - will keep going at it.