Everyone elses girl but mine!

[mememum]

I wonder if anyone else has had this problem and if you have did it resolve itself or take alot of work and patience?
DD1 has always been a daddys girl from day 1! in fact she is so affectionate with everyone else. But lately the problem has got really bad. She is only 2.1y but It feels like she hates me. I know that she's only young and doesn't understand what she's doing. She has gone to Grandma's today and was out of the door as soon as Grandma pulled up. Every morning she asks for Daddy and screams for 10 minutes whilst I explain he's at work. I try to play with her she says no! I try to cuddle her she says no! Kisses - NO! Beginning to really get to me as I just feel useless. Almost in tears writing this. I do have a 4month old baby but this really started before she was born. We do have one to one time but she just plays with her toys and gets angry if I try to help or participate. Any suggestions as I can't let this get any worse.

My DD is a Daddy's girl. He stays home during the day to care for her, so she's really attached to him. When she falls down or runs into something (why do they learn to look in front of them whilst running?), it's Daddy she wants. It no longer bothers me. I'm so happy she had such a loving father.

The being together thing does sound a good idea. What about doing something 'girly' together like getting some play make up and making up each others faces or making jewelry together.
I have no experience but saw this on one of those TV Nanny programmes where the mother was quite estranged from her daughter.

well...like always i am with kids when dh at work fulltime and today as usual my dh comes in from work and gets lots of hugs and kisses from all..my ds runs up to him with open arms and my eight week old baby gives him the biggest smiles of the day!!!!.............what is going on........seriously makes me feel like I am totally in the background.....

I have a ds of 20 months and he has always been the opposite. he has always wanted his mummy. I think it is the sexes. Boys want mummy. Girls wat daddy. I am the last out of my friends to have children, they all have girls apart from one and all the girls were daddy girls. I have just had a dd 5 months ago. I will be trying spidermamas approach as daddy is always working, she will have to get use to me...

mememum,

how is it going - it's day 4 of giving her 'space' now isn't it?

My dd is 2 & sounds like yours.

I just wondered, when you say she won't let you play with her is it because she is flexing her independance? This is the case with my dd, who will not let you help or assist until she has physically given up, but she has to admit defeat 1st.

I try & play alongside her & find she will usually join in.
When she is drawing i'll sit with her & start drawing around my hand or something & let her see i'm having fun or i'll start reading one of her books to myself. I find with my dd it has to be on her terms so she'll push me away if i try & join in but she'll come to me if i give her the space to decide if what i'm doing is fun.

Hth

well handlemecarefully, she loves the fact I'm not really bothering her! She's in her own little world playing by herself and being loving to her sister and daddy as he's home at the moment, working normal hours. She really doesn't care if I'm there or not!
Coldtea, I'm going to try your ideas tomorrow so I'm not doing too many parenting ideas at once. Lets see how it goes!
Thanks everyone for your ideas, I really do appreciate them!

Oh mememum,

hang on in there! really feel for you.

Perhaps you need to go away for couple of days so that she really misses you?

mememum hope all is going okay let us all know how things are going.....

Update on it all. I give up! I really do think she just doesn't like me. DH is away at the moment. She has cried each morning for 15-30mins on discovering he is not there. I'm still doing the keeping a distance and I tried doing something to entice her (god I sound like the child catcher!) She just kept shouting no and mine at me. I'm going to keep it up but I think I may have to admit defeat.

Oh Mememum. I am so sorry!

I remember as a small kid, I was a real daddy's girl. This was only because he was away so much, and mum was always around. But at around 12 years old I seemed to "notice" that I was not very nice to mum (not sure what triggered it). Now I'm 35 & mum & I are very close (we see each other every day and she looks after ds a few hours a day to enable me to work from home). My attitude to my mum had nothing to do with not liking her - it was just that I saw dad so little, that I was desperate to spend every moment with him that I could.

The only thing I can suggest is that having your dp at home more (and doing mundane things with your dd) might help. And also to give you a chance to do some fun things with her. But not sure if this is feasible.

Kids are very self-centred at that age. I don't think it has anything to do with how she feels about YOU. I think it is more that she is the centre of her own universe.

Another thing to consider is that you've done the trying to cuddle thing with her for a long time (and it has not worked), maybe you need to stick with the ignoring her a bit. I know you don't want her to feel rejected, but leave it open to her to come to you (and of course when she does she'll get your attention so won't be rejected at all) - this will empower her to make the decisions. This worked with our DS. When we stopped trying to kiss and cuddle him, he started coming to us (took about 3 weeks).

About enticing her - how do you do this? Have you tried doing something that she would find appealing - tell her what you are doing, but don't invite her to join - let her decide on her own. So you could say "look, mummy is going to do some finger painting" - and then do it like you are REALLY having fun. I think you might have to do this for a week or so - but I doubt that she'll be able to help herself from joining in.

Mememum - don't beat yourself up about it. Your dd does love you.

When my dd crys for her daddy, I sit down with them and say - "you miss your daddy a lot", and then say "I wish daddy was here in 10 minutes", and go down a little fantasy route. It seems to help her by acknowlging her feelings.

With your dd's playtime you could describe what your dd is doing to her. Eg "Your're playing with your blocks. That tower must have 10 ten blocks and look at the colours you've used". This might get her into a conversation about it. FWIW I think its great that your dd is independant and willing to try things for herself. It shows she has great confidence.

Ahh You've made me feel alot better. KiwiKate, you've hit the nail on the head and its good to hear from someone who has been through it with their own mum! Firefox I think the talking about Daddy is a good thing to try. Thinking about it I sometimes avoid mentioning him because I think it will start her off again,

Just remembered that my DS went through a very "unfriendly" stage with my mum (who looks after him while I work from home). I suggested to mum to back off with the hugs and kisses, and to praise him everytime he came to her. Also, to him the choice of coming to her if he wanted to (and say "that's ok" if he didn't want to). He was at the same age your DD is now. The phase lasted about 6 weeks (and now he is more affectionate with her than ever). DS is also very independant, like your DD sounds, and we give him lots of enthusiasm and praise for being able to do things on his own "what a big boy" - and as has been suggested below, talk to him all the time. So on days where he is feeling less affectionate, we just give him his space and let him be but keep up the vocal contact.

mememum hope all is going okay.....

I'm almost not wanting to post now because it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I hate the thought of people reading this thinking what a useless mum or what a moaning cow!
Had a bad weekend because Daddy was home and he worked away last week so she was keen to see him all the time. It got a bit embarassing when we went out for a big family meal and DH went to the toilet. She screamed until he got back saying 'no want mummy'. I have to admit I got a bit hot under the collar and carried her outside so we could both cool down without having others stare.
My aunty then commented how she'd never seen her like that before and what had I done to her?
Anyway new week so lets see how we go. Thanks everyone for your support - it really helps me!

Mememum,

Bl*y hell! You must be feeling miserable.

Please feel free to ignore this - and I'll probably get flamed by some other posters for the very suggestion - but if it was me I would actually be tempted to be quite cool and aloof with dd...which is a step further than simply leaving her to her own devices a bit.

I realise that she is only just 2 and this could seem a bit harsh, but I think she had to realise for herself that she does love you...and she might not appreciate that fully until you become emotionally 'remote' some how

I feel like cr*p to put it mildly. Handlemecarefully I'm not going to shot you down in flames I'm beginnig to think its only option. Don't want to but I don't see what else to do.

Mememum, of course we do not think you are a useless mum. Please don't think that yourself! How horrid of your Aunty to make such a cruel and thoughtless comment (she obviously isn't raising toddlers at the moment).

You are just like the rest of us - trying to do the best we can with unexpected, frustrating and difficult situations that arise while raising children.

Actually, handlemecarefully, I think your suggestion is a good one (can't do any harm to try anyway).

Does DH overindulge her? If so, you will forever be seen as the boring parent, while he is fun! Also, how does he react to her saying such things? In our house if DS says something rude to me, DH immediately has a stern talk with him, explaining that what he said is not nice and that it can make me (or whoever it is aimed at) unhappy inside. Perhaps you can use her idol-worship of your DH to your advantage. Get DH (if he'll help) to explain to her that when she is mean to you, it is the same as being mean to him. And that you and he are a team, and if she ignores you or yells at you or whatever, that it makes him very sad. (You haven't really said, but it seems like you are not getting the support you need from DH. He needs to let her know that her actions are not ok). Also, I think it is very important for you DH to be demonstrating his affection and love for you. If she sees him hugging and kissing you - then she will get the idea that you are important to him (we do this and at first DS freaked out and yelled "no hugs, no hugs!" We extended the hug to include him, but never let him come physically between us during our embrace. We wanted him to know that we are a team, and as important as he is, there is no divide and conquer in our house). At two you can explain some of this to them and let them know what you expect from them.

Not sure if this has anything useful on it. Dr Phil is a trained psychologist and seems to really be able to help people with problems in their families/parenting. I was sceptical at first, but have applied some of his techniques with my DS with fantastic results. Ignore it if it is not your thing. Just thought I'd attach the link in case.

BTW - remember that you are here on MNet putting yourself in a vulnerable position, asking for help for your situation. To me that says you are an excellent mum who loves her child and will go to great lengths to do the best for her.

Take care of yourself.
xxx - sorry about long post!

Lovely post Kiwikate.

MMM, my dd1 used to be a bit like this. I still remember the time she was ill and screamed 'Go away, mummy, I want daddy' . I started a relatively light-hearted thread on MN about it, but it did bother me a lot.

But guess what, she's now four. And things are very different. We really are friends, and adore each other. I can't pinpoint when it happened, but it certainly has.

Spot on KiwiKate, aunty has teenagers to deal with not toddlers!
Its difficult with DH as he works way so much so he doesn't always see her being nasty so I explain it upsets me but no response. When he does see it like yesterday it doesn't seem to go in when he has a stern word. He doesn't indulge her and disciplines when he needs to. He does cuddle and kiss me and we include her and show we are a team - all of us! I am going tolook at link as anything is welcome.
That was a lovely post as mmh said.
Dinosaur I know how your husband feels and I'm praying the same doesn't happen with DD2.

MI, Its good to hear of the success stories and gives me hope!

Mememum, I'm glad you are getting support from DH.

Do keep us posted.

Thanks also to you and madmarchhare for saying nice things about my post. I am sometimes reluctant to post on mumsnet because of some rude responses I've had (which can shake you up as you are only trying to help).