Giving Controlled Crying a go?

[mrspoppins]

This is not a thread designed to evoke debate but it is written as a response to being asked what to do if you should decide to try this. There are a lot of parents here who are happy with it and a lot who aren't. We just have to accept that. If you are having difficulties settling your child of any age to sleep and are not happy with your present situation then it may be of use to you so read on!

If your child has been sleeping with you in their bed or in yours, withdrawing yourself completely will be too traumatic and you need to do a more gradual approach before taking on this technique. If anyone would like help with that, post here and I will jot a few pointers down for you.

First Things First

It is vital to choose a regular time to start the bedtime routine and stick to it.

If your baby is aged 6 months plus, timing the evening routine to coincide with their last bottle is important so as a rule of thumb, allow yourself an hour. Try not to let baby fall asleep on you whilst feeding in order to place them into their cot asleep as when they wake up, they may be disorientated. It is better for children to fall asleep in their cot/bed in order to promote a safe and happy feeling about being in bed but awake.

If your child is no longer having a last bottle, end your routine in their bedroom having quiet stories with the lights low.

Ensure an older child has a last wee before your stories start and their teeth are brushed so they don't need to leave their rooms again. They should have had their last fluids of the day with their evening meal to avoid needing the loo at 10.30pm!

Choose your timing method...You can choose any interval you like.
1min-3min-5min-1min-3min-5min
3min-5min-10min-3min-5min-10min
5min-10min-5min-5min-10min-15 min

If you would rather, keep the interval the same length 5min-5min-5min.

STEP 1 Put into cot/bed calmly and gently. Hushed tones for babies, whispering for older children...sleep well...love you. Night night...lights off. Door closed and leave the room. Do this even if you child is already crying. Smile and reassure with your expression.

STEP 2 If baby is crying immediately, wait the amount of time you have chosen then go in. Make no eye contact...look at their bodies or hands, lie them back down if they are standing, just gently touch their arm if they are still laying...no talking...just whisper sshhh sshhh sshhh in a calm, slow way. Stay for approx 2 mins. Leave.
If baby starts to cry after a little while, leave them to cry for the first timed interval you chose before you go in and do the above.

STEP 3 Continue with the timed intervals you have chosen until your baby or toddler falls asleep. Reassurance should still be kept to a minimum of no more than two minutes and they shouldn't be lifted out of the cot/bed or be cuddled or spoken to.

This may take a while. Be prepared for that. Have a chair to sit on outside their room, a coffee and a magazine or even set up the ironing board and get a few things done! You must not simply stand there waiting to go in...It will drive you nuts and the minutes will seem endless. I think having something to occupy yourself with will make things easier for you. Cleaning the bathroom or just tidying up is another idea!

Controlled crying can take a few nights to establish. You must give yourself time and be patient.

If you have a toddler who is constantly coming out of their room, take them as nicely as you can back to bed. I say this as they may not be cooperative at all about the idea! Even if they are kicking and shouting, ignore?ignore?ignore. Even if it kills you!
Toddlers who are coming out of their room to you, wait till they come out to put them back.
Toddlers who are in a cot, use the timed interval method but make it longer 5-10-15 as an example and then go back to 5mins.

The principal is the same for all age groups. Do not offer reward for crying and screaming about going to bed. They are safe. They need sleep. You know it is the best for them. It is simply that they don?t understand.

The younger child cries as they have no language. That is their language. It is hard to listen to and we are programmed to want to nurture/ keep safe our offspring when they cry but remember, they are safe and they don?t need protecting.

If there are questions you have, post them and I?ll do my best to answer them.

Erm have you written a book or something lol.

sigh

Not a fan of parenting by numbers ie checking for instructions whilst neglecting instinct.

Children are not like flat pack furniture, a set of 1, 2, 3 instructions will not of course fit all.

I dunno parents here seem to hung up on this or that method, that the follow and believe in. Thus they fail to do what suits the individual child and situation.

I have a question - it's hypothetical TBH because I don't think I would ever do CC, but I am interested because either I don't understand it correctly, or it doesn't make sense and have been wanting to ask this question for some time!

If the child is crying while "comforting" (Which is not comforting IMO - it's only comforting if the child is actually being comforted by your actions) and then leave for another 5 minutes, that to me is a child crying, uncomforted, for 10 minutes + the 2 minutes you were "comforting" them. I don't believe that this is reassuring at all, and I think this is the biggest thing I don't "get" about CC.

Also, how exactly do the "timings" work - for me it would be logical to get the child used to being left for 1 minute, then when they are happy with this increase to 2 mins, when happy increase to 5 mins, then 10, etc. Just going from 1 to 5 to 10 without getting them used to one before moving on doesn't make sense to me.

If you can answer any of these I would be very interested

Elenor, I asked mrspoppins for advice on CC. It isn't a great situation to be in but we are all that desperate to get some sleep. I have got to the point where I will try anything. In a last ditch attempt, I am purposely keeping DS up way past his usual bedtime and changing him from a grobag to blankets, but if that doesn't work, I will have tried everything bar CC. DS has bags under his eyes, he is that shattered - I am not taking this lightly.

Mrspoppins. thank you for posting.

Not sure I fully understood the comfort question but I'll give it a try! You go back to show you are there.To show them that they are not alone and they are going to be ok.
Lots of the younger babies will cease to cry within the first minute and once more settled you leave. There is no timing fixed in stone.When I work with people on this, I am face to face and so small changes can be made to adapt to individual situations.

The reason I extend the timings is mainly that as the child gets tireder, the crying decreases and if you were to go in every minute or so, you may disturb what was a child falling to sleep and so it would begin again.

Parenting by numbers was said in a derogatory way but I see no harm at all in it for children who have no additional needs. Our toddlers go off to nursery and our youngsters to school and are taught in all the same way to do all the same things or whatever is on the curriculum for that year group. Is that teaching by numbers?

Children all learn the same nursery rhymes but is that singing by numbers? I don't wish to sound flippant as I am not saying that there needs to be no adaptations from family to family but the basics are there. We have no problems with people offering to teach breast feeding by numbers etc...This is a contentious issue. Always has been but that's ok. If it isn't for you then it may be for someone else

I haven't written a book but I do this for a living and have done so before the internet gave us parenting help and TV showed us what not to do! I wish I had have done...Supernanny has done alright out of it!!

As I said, this was asked for and so I am just helping another mum out by posting for her.

Some parents are lucky and have children that seem to take to sleeping well or they have lifestyles which afford them the time to take things more slowly. There are lots of methods that parents can try and this is one that can have fast results.

BLB... Don't worry...I am made of tough stuff!

You are being a lovely Mum and trying to solve a difficult problem before it completely drains you all. Good luck.x

Do you mean if feeding overnight?

Perhaps that is what it is then - I have a different idea of comforting to you and others who CC has worked for. I will try to explain but don't worry if not - maybe we will never understand each other!

Basically what I mean is, if you are doing controlled crying, you make that decision not to go in and comfort your child for a period of time. Yes, it is a short time, yes, you are comforting after this time, but do you agree - the child is alone for those 5 minutes, for that period, he is not being comforted. Of course this is by design as the idea is to show the child that he can sleep without being comforted, that it is okay to be on his own.

Anyway so after the 5 minutes you go into the bedroom and comfort the child, but you don't take them out of bed or pick them up. If the child is comforted by this then that is fine - it is working as intended - but my issue is, if the child continues to cry and is not comforted by this, your instructions say a maximum of 2 minutes comforting and not to take them out of bed. If the baby/child is wanting to get out of bed, then in their mind you are not comforting them. He is still not being comforted, so this is no different to you being outside the room ignoring them completely. I have trouble believing that a very young child could understand that by being there it means they are "not alone and it is going to be ok". It is already not OK (to them) - they want to be held and anything else is not ok in their mind. Being alone or not is irrelevant in this situation.

Does that make more sense or not? As I said I'm happy to just write it off as difference of opinion.

My 22 month old DS will be moved to his new bedroom in the next few weeks - he's previously had his cot in our room while we have been having an extension built. I know that is quite old for moving to his own bedroom, so do you have any tips for a smooth transition? Do I see how it goes or start controlled crying straight away?

The other problem I have is that he's got into the habit of having a bottle of milk in the middle of the night. I've been letting him have it as I can't have him screaming in my bedroom - DP has to work in the morning! But I'd like him to get out of the habit once he's in his own room. He won't have juice instead and if I try to wean him off gradually he just wakes up and wants a second bottle later in the night. What should I do?

ok...this is getting too pernickety.[sticking tongue out emoticon]
It matters not a jot if it is a last bf or ff. Lots of Mums having bf are often ff by 6 months or so and lots aren't. This is a generalised posting so who cares!

Just seen your next post

Flying Duchess... This is why Mumsnet has this apalling reputation for being utter bullies. You are bullying someone to think your way and belittling their choices and feelings. You have no right to. You should go and find someone on this forum who needs some help rather than upsetting people if you have some spare time on your hands.

FD, that is harsh!
We have done CC on 3 of our 4 children as the alternative was the children taking the piss and staying up all night when they were exhausted and needed to sleep. I certainly wouldn't let 13 year old ds1 stay up all night, choose his own bedtime and constantly come down to get a drink so I don't see why I should have been expected to let him do the same at 13 months!
Bambinolovesbeccie, in each case it took 2 nights, that was it! The first night with ds3 took 45 minutes of to-ing and fro-ing, the second night took 10 minutes and after that he went down like a lamb. He was bf till he was 2.8 and had a bf before he went to bed, then he would wake up at about 6am and come into bed with us for a snuggle and a bf. All of us, including him got a much better nights sleep. And he is, by the way, a well-adjusted child who knows he is loved.

It's not the case that the options are you either have a good sleeper, naturally, or a lifestyle which affords time to take things slowly (what is this?) or you do controlled crying on a small baby - from six months.

And crying bully? where has Duchesse bullied?

bullying?

Duchess he's a bright little boy, but he's quite feisty and demanding when it comes to milk!! I don't think he's quite ready to negotiate quantities but hopefully soon....

Good idea about spending the night with him when he first moves (although there's a slug that crawls around his room at night - might need to hunt that out first)

This is moving too quick to keep up
cuppatea
I would get rid of his nightime bottle after a week of being in his new room and start the cc then, so that the first week he is reassured that all is ok and still the same.

Does he go to sleep in your room with you there or on his own and then you guys come to bed later?

If he needs you and is used to that, he has been with you a while, so I wouldn't just leave him in that first week. On night one, sit facing away from him once in bed/cot so he can see you but not see your face and put him back to bed everytime he gets up if in bed or lie him down again if in cot. Day 2-7 move further and further away so that on day 8 you put him to bed and try the technique.
As for bottles in the night, stop them on day 8 coinciding with the cc.Just don't do it anymore and bite the blooming big bullet !!!!!
I would try to get rid of the bottles altogether though at 22 months straight away as that is something you could do now whilst the extension is being finished. There are many different varieties of cups and let him come shopping with you to help choose.That way if all the bottles go it may be less of a problem.Can he manage a cup yet during the day?

mrspoppins i am sure you mean well, but advising people how to 'control' their crying babies is bound to be emotive.

accusations of bullying and ducking very reasonable questions about what constitutes comfort doesn't fill me with confidence about your methods.

Debi look at post 19.51hrs