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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Being hit with a belt.

97 replies

Ealingkate · 05/02/2010 18:24

Not really sure what to do about this - DD2 had a lovely friend (aged 5) to play for the first time the other day. At the dinner table DD1 was relaying how the friend said she gets hit with a belt if she's naughty and the friend confirmed it, but not in a "please don't say anything to my mum" she was just quite casual about it.
The mum came to pick her up and she seems lovely, really sweet. I do believe the little girl as it seems a strange thing to say otherwise.
It does seem like a pretty big deal to me, I mean how naughty can a 5 year old girl be??
I was thinking of having a quiet word with the reception class teacher, but, I don't want to be too heavy handed. Any suggestions??

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mathanxiety · 05/02/2010 21:06

I disagree that children make up all sorts of stuff like this. I would go to the teacher. There are protocols for teachers to follow in matters like this.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/02/2010 21:07

Mamazon is right.

The teacher will not inform the parents, instead they will use their judgement to build a picture of the child and their family then act as they see fit. And no, that does not mean an automatic report to SS.

A parent should never ever be informed of a disclosure a child has made.

Ingles, there is no matter of opinion wrt this situation, there is a correct and accepted way of dealing with disclosures, and befriending the parent and doing a but of amateur detective work is not it
I am sorry you had a bad experience but there are posters on this thread trained in child protection issues and you are still giving out irresponsible and frankly amateur advice.

MollieO · 05/02/2010 21:11

So why was I told what ds said?

MollieO · 05/02/2010 21:16

Think I can answer my own question - I assume it was because my apparent action was not to ds.

Oblomov · 05/02/2010 21:19

Cyb is wrong.
"SS are only involved in the most serious serious cases of abuse and neglect."
Have a look on the MN threads.
Lots of people get reported to SS for spurious reasons.
Ingles speaks sense. I have no problem with ss. or anyone refering to ss. The childs safety is paramount. But there need to be solid grounds. Because alot of damage gets done, if they are not evidenced, whim grounds. checks out the recent threads to see what damage can be done.
It is people like cyb that i am trying to make understand.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/02/2010 21:22

Oblomov what action would you suggest, in that case?

ravenAK · 05/02/2010 21:24

MollieO, yep.

So if a student mentions that his mum's new boyfriend hit her, & he's upset about it, that might get mentioned in a call to mum - but not if he says one of them hit him, iyswim.

At least, I think that's right - I'm a form tutor, but not a pastoral specialist. Mamazon can probably clarify it.

mamazon · 05/02/2010 21:24

yes Mollie - although it would have been less than great if your Ds had actually seen what he had described, he was in no direct danger and i imagine the teacher had built enough of a relationship with you to realise he was probably exaggerating.

telling school will not necessarily lead to a ss referral unless there are other causes for concern, in which case this piece of information may well be the final link to a puzzle already being built.

megapixels · 05/02/2010 21:27

Aren't some 5 year old girls notorious for lying and drama? When my niece was 5, after spending a day at mine and playing with dd she went back to my mum's and told her, in front of me, that "When minipixels cries Aunty megapixels hits her and kicks her to make her stop" . She had never come up with anything of the sort before, she's not someone who usually lies, but she said it in such a calm and casual manner.

I would feel quite uncomfortable to report it tbh, though I wouldn't just forget about it. Maybe you could invite the child over more often and get to know her and mum better? I don't know really.

mamazon · 05/02/2010 21:32

DD is five and recently told her teacher that "mummy goes out to parties and gets drunk and when she gets drunk she gets pregnant"
by the end of the day teacher was convinced i was pregnant! thankfully her teacher is a good frined of mine and so she foudn it all hilarious.

children of this age are quite famous for making things up and even though the odd random comment will usually be taken with a pinch of salt they will all be noted. that is why you need to inform school. they will keep a note and will also look at any other comments made to build a bigger picture.

QuintessentialSnowStorm · 05/02/2010 21:36

My son told the nursery that I slammed the toilet seat down on his fingers, and it really hurt. They asked me about it.

I was mortified, as what really happened was that I sat down on the toilet seat, and got my own fingers trapped, and that really hurt. He just had not been able to explain it very well!

It was quite a feat really, as dh had left the seat up, and rather than putting it down in the normal way, I started sitting, put my hands between my legs, bent and reach between my legs, up behind my back, and pulled the seat down, and sat down, trapping my own fingers. I really deserved that for trying that manouvre!

mamazon · 05/02/2010 21:46

Quint now that is an incredible feat of flexibility

QuintessentialSnowStorm · 05/02/2010 21:51

How I managed to do that without banging my head on the toilet bowl, I do not know....

Cyb · 05/02/2010 21:54

Oblomov, what do you consider to be solid grounds? Physical scars?

I think what a child reports, whilst it might not necessarily be true, is a good starting point , and should be passed on.

PixieOnaLeaf · 05/02/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Ealingkate · 06/02/2010 07:11

Hi all

Sorry had a quiet night watching TV with hubby, didn't think there would be some many posters - this is my first thread! I will read all the posts but just wanted to say my elder daughter was asking the friend about it and she gave an example of when it had happened - she had pushed/hit her little sister after she hit her (and she was then hit with a belt), which was when I started thinking that it wasn't just rubbish.
I will now read all the other posts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ealingkate · 06/02/2010 07:32

Thank you to everyone for all your advice, mamazon, Cyb and ingles for the counterpoint to mention just a few. I had thought that the information would be used to help form part of the picture, as obviously there is no evidence. The teacher is extremely experienced, she would take it seriously but not overreact. So I will let you all know what happens next.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ealingkate · 09/02/2010 18:29

Hi all

Just a quick update - my broadband was playing up yesterday. I spoke to the teacher and just said, "Hypothetically if I tell you that a little girl who came over to play said she was hit with a belt, would you be obliged to report it to the police or social services?". She said no, but that she would have to speak to her superior about it, but I was definitely doing the right thing to mention it and they would keep an eye on it.

OP posts:

Cyb · 09/02/2010 18:36

Glad you passed it on Ealing. You did the right thing

mamazon · 09/02/2010 18:45

I am veryglad you passed the information on and also that you came back to confirm the advice you had been given by those with experience rather than hearsay, was correct.
hopefully it will help others if they are placed in a similar situation

HaveItAllMummy · 09/02/2010 18:46

Well done EalingKate.

Some children are still hit with belts - there is a boy in DS's class who said his Dad will 'get the belt out' when he lost his shoes, for example, and other instances when it has been mentioned. His parents are Christians of Caribbean background - they are lovely caring people, who look after their big family of children very well. Except they have carried on this old fashioned (and illegal and abusive - IMO) punishment regime. The kids do not show any symptoms of abuse, they are happy, chatty, well behaved, loved etc.

The school do know.

Schools have a legal framework for responding to any information that coes within child protection. It is objective, not personal - you did the right thing to tell, EK.

And for what it's worth, Ingles, a former partner of mine who was beaten with belts etc by his father became a social worker in later life because he said he used to pray that someone like that would come and have him fostered. He used to pray that the neighbours would report what they heard. But they didn't.

purplefish · 09/02/2010 18:50

I may be repeating so apologies if i am.

The 'don't say anything, it's obviously not true' attitude is why so many people get away with child abuse.

Whether it may be true or not, someone needs to be made aware of what this child has said. I agree it shouldn't be the mother, that won't solve anything, but a teacher, headteacher.....

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