What makes a child "spoilt"?

[TooMuchCaffeine]

A couple of times I have been accused of "spoiling" DS aged 6, for simple things such as buying him presents when it is not his birthday or christmas, giving him a cake/treat when he and DH pick me up from work on the day I work late, little things like that. If I go out somewhere and i see something he would like - nothing expensive, even a comic or something, or if I have been to Costa Coffee which he loves, I will bring him back some of their little muffins. Is that spoiling him? Today I went to M&S to get my lunch, but brought him some undies and socks (which he needs) and our Friday cake, and DH said "he's so spoilt". Can anyone explain how being a nice thoughtful and loving parent equates to spoiling their child?

Well we shall have to disagree milamae.

I also have worked for several years with primary and secondary children, as well as young adults, all from many walks of lives. I feel I also can make valid judgements.

Dd actually doesn't have loads and loads and only occasionally gets stuff throughout the year.She doeasn't have everything in the slightest, although IMo she has plenty, a lot, although not a great deal more than her other friends and family. Indeed some have a lot more. But she is privledged and lucky. At present she remains unspoilt. I see no reason why this should change so long as my and DH's parenting and views of things remain the same.

believe me I know very much the difference between this lifestyle and other lifestyles. My own background is very different.

I will ensure my DD is well brought up thank you very much. She is, in not just my own opinion, so far. there is nor eason for this to change.

And of course she will be well equipped for grown up, real life. As a responsible parent, who has very down to earth views, experiences and outlooks, I will ensure this, don't worry.

And, as I keep saying, my DD's nature at present does not lead to a spoilt child. It isn;t her at all. Maybe other children respond to things differently. What can I say, all children are different.

CirrhosisByTheSea - yes, for 10 years I worked as a teacher, I then worked for 3 years in a prison with young adults, and now work as a TA in a primary school. iI have worked with children from 5y to 18y for over 14 years, from allw alks of life and many different backgrounds. So yes, feel very much equipped to judge children's behaviours just as much as anyone else.

And IME a child is not spoilt because of material possessions. Oh no, it has far more to do with non material possessions, and a lot to do with the way a parent parents their child, plus a lot to do with the child's personality and nature.

I am just not cynical maybe?

But Ello yours don't get toys all year round,it's the constant year round stream/lifestyle I have a problem with.

I still maintain that unless you're very lucky like Hula the vast maj of kids exposed to a constant stream of toys and treats are going to be more at risk of becoming spoilt.

I totally agree that the way they're brought up has a bigger impact though.

Also IME many children grow up and are unable to initially live the lifestyles they were brought up with, especially if they become students for 4 years. My background was much less privledged, but even I had a bump down when i went to livig in student houses, dealing with my own money, etc. But that is called growing up, it is a natural normal stage of development. I think it probably does all children good to experience this to an extent.

And hopefully when she is older she will do well for herself and maintain her own lifestyle. But we will have made sure that she is brought up knowing that material possions dont buy happiness.

Ah, that is different milamae.

More at risk = maybe, possibly because many (but def not all, and not in my case) children in this situation come from families where material possessions are used instead of parent time

Will become spoilt = not necessarily IMO and IME; again it depends on the parenting and attituudes of those parents and the child itself

my dcs enjoy a very priviledged lifestyle - however, they don't actually give a toss about the material possessions and have always been happy to share their stuff among friends and even give things away. they never went through the snatching or 'Mine, mine!!' phases and actually find it upsetting when other children behave in this way

By MilaMae Fri 15-Jan-10 21:23:03

"I do think permissive parenting from parents too scared to upset little Johnny (of which the materialism thing is often another symptom)is far more damaging though as regards producing a spoilt kid"

I agree with the above.

Imho a spoilt child is an anti-social child. Quite often allowed to become manipulative and disruptive; and given "permission" or "approval" to be so in the wider social sphere.

However that it not to say that all children who may be considered anti-social is spoilt i.e. children with specific special needs.

Spoilt children are often allowed to sit in - and comment on - adult conversations when not appropriate. There is an expectation (by the spoiling parents and the child) that the child should be allowed a place and voice, in a wider social setting, that is wholly inappropriate.

But Hula more and more people are getting into credit card debt,they are simply buying things they can't afford,they expect as a right far more.

I found being a student hard but I dread to think how students of today manage it-oh yes mummy and daddy pay. They pay their rent,buy them a car,a mobile,I Pod,lap top then get themselves into debt to pay off their debt.

Being a student is not how it was when we were kids. Students don't have a grant they HAVE to stretch to the end of the term. I wasn't even allowed to go overdrawn as a student. If I didn't keep to a budget I didn't eat, that simply doesn't happen now. I know parents who even send Tesco delivery round so their dc don't even do their own shopping.

I dread to think how the youth of today are going to manage in the big wide world after a pampered childhood,pampered teenage years then pampered student years. Suddenly it'll be bang you're on your own Jack. Oh sorry I know you're used to all the gadgets,clothes etc you always want but now you have to buy your own and also pay a mortgage ,bills and buy food. Credit card debt here we come!!!!!

Can't believe I just said "the youth of today"

MilaMae - well I can be sure I won't be bringing my child up thinnking massive CC debts are a right. She will be made to be finance aware, esp as one day she could become a very wealthy woman - hopefully this won't be for a very very long time (me and DH intend living a long while yet). This is something DH and I have already discussed, and feel is important for our DD.

I know student days are different to when I was there - although only to an extent. My sister only relatively recently went through the system and as a result of no grants, loans only and having to do very expensive exams, yet hoaving a PT job throughout, and came out with over £20k in debt. She definitely did not have a luxuurios student life, anything but.

I do hope we will help DD avoid such debt, but again it will be within reason. She will be given living expenses, but where possible we be expected to contribute through PT jobs, etc.

I am in no way a niave parent in this sense.

BTW I agree re the permissive parenting thing. Have a friend who's child is like this and allowed to interrupt adult conversions, etc. Hate it.

Interesting stuff. Haven't read all the posts yet, but I can dee that it has caused debate. I particularly hear the thing about giving children a false idea of what to expect in the "real world". However childhood is a special one time only thing, so why not make it as special as possible - within reason of course. It is more about the values a child is taught about how to behave and respect others that counts IMHO.

Sorry OP but you already mentioned the word brat in your 1st post. That would be ringing huge alarm bells for me.
Since you did ask I totally agree with your DH, he sounds extremely spoilt. I simply do not understand why you feel the need to bombard your child with constant material items.
however each to his or her own.

Where does the word brat appear in the first post?

I think my grandparents spoilt me to compensate because my mum didn't have anything. I love them so much for it and appreciate all they did for me and I am truly grateful blessed to have such generous people in my life.

The OP mentions giving her son muffins, and comics. "Constant bombardment of material items" seems a bit extreme. If you get yourself nice stuff now and again, why isn't it ok to do it for kids? It doesn't necessarily follow that they will be graceless brats with expectations of stuff all the time. I think that boils down to other aspects of parenting just as much.

Am I right to think that giving a 6 year old three birthday parties one for the whole class in a hall with clowns, face painting, dancing etc, one in a restaurant with family and one at home with more friends and a bouncy castle is excessive

I don't think it has to be to do with possessions and toys and how much they have, I think it's about giving in to every demand , which often does include possessions and toys but not having strong guidance of how he world works and how you don't always get everything you want

I work as TA in schools and it's generally very easy to tell the kids have been spoilt by their parents. They're the pupils who run down the other kids, who can't work effectively in teams and who can't cope with being in competition with others and not winning. They don't admit to wrongdoing (even if they know you watched them!) and don't learn anything from the consequences. On average, in my experience, they make up at least 10-15% of the school population.