What makes a child "spoilt"?

[TooMuchCaffeine]

A couple of times I have been accused of "spoiling" DS aged 6, for simple things such as buying him presents when it is not his birthday or christmas, giving him a cake/treat when he and DH pick me up from work on the day I work late, little things like that. If I go out somewhere and i see something he would like - nothing expensive, even a comic or something, or if I have been to Costa Coffee which he loves, I will bring him back some of their little muffins. Is that spoiling him? Today I went to M&S to get my lunch, but brought him some undies and socks (which he needs) and our Friday cake, and DH said "he's so spoilt". Can anyone explain how being a nice thoughtful and loving parent equates to spoiling their child?

i always get my ds treats hes nearly 3 hes good with manners etc however he can get grumpy sometimes and throw tantrums. this is normal for this age though isnt it?

Yes I agree missorinoco - I used to pick DS all the time. B/f until 2.5. Open bed policy still - with lots of disapproving voices from so many people! Huh!

IMO spoiling them means not making them earn their keep from an early age. As soon as both my boys turned 3yrs I had them cleaning the chimneys. DS1 is too old for that (8yrs) now so I have organised an apprenticeship at the local funeral home. The hours are not too long 7am til 8pm.

In between eating gruel and the beatings I lock them in the coal shed. Of course, I do allow them Sunday morning off - to go to Church.

TheCrackfox....If only more were like you

When I was a child my parents (who were not particularly poor) would only buy my sister and I presents on Christmas, birthdays (and choc eggs at easter), I would literally ask for something in March and recieve it in December (if I was lucky) and I remember asking for particular toys (a barbie doll house, a Sylvanian house with accessories) and waiting all year and not getting it. It was a fun treat when I grew out of a pair of shoes and went to the shoe shop (clarks) with my mum to choose a new pair.
Now I'm with DP and he likes to buy lots of gifts, while I end up just paying bills. (fun, huh). Maybe you should suggest to your DP that you compromise on who gets to choose the gifts.

I think you spoil a child by never denying him or her anything or asking him or her to put someone else's wishes before their own. Always giving in, always allowing their needs to come first, giving them so much that they don't know what to play with.

My ds has a spoilt school friend who i hate coming here to play because of his attitude.

he expects me to pander to his every whim and wait on him hand and foot - provide exactly the snacks he wants, the entertainment he wants, the attention he wants.

At home he has every material thing he wants but parents who (according to ds) are never there - ds has been there to play on a Saturday afternoon as well as other times in the week and they are looked after by the nanny or au-pair every time he goes - even up to late at night. Parents are both super high earning lawyer types and are never home.

So both of their boys have everything they could want in their bedrooms - a Wii and a PS3 each, both have a Dsi and a PSP and a tv and dvd player and laptop. They get everything that they ask for except mum and dad there for them - its very sad.

This friend is pandered to by his nanny too so he has no sense of other people's needs, which I think is the crux of it. I keep inviting him back even though he can be a little pain in the rear end as I feel sorry for him and hope our normal rough and tumble family life might help a bit.

I totally agree with Hulababy. Its not the gifts or material possessions that makes a child spoilt, it is the way they are brought up.

My DDs have an awful lot of things - a playroom absolutely stuffed with toys, but at the same time if they want something (even a biscuit from the tin) they know to ask 'please may I have'. They also know 'I want never gets' - if they start saying 'I want...' the answer is automatically no.

Its all about the way they are taught to behave, not their possessions imho.

There is a brilliant article in this months Junior about this saying it's more a behavior/discipline thing with parents too scared to say no/stand up to their kids resulting in kids with a sense of entitlement and self-centredness leaving them less happy and secure in later life. The buying them lots of things they don't need is just part of it.

I have to say your ds does sound spoilt-you did ask. Comics are expensive(Beano aside) imho and mostly crap. I don't agree with a constant stream of presents (aside from bday/Xmas) and "stuff". I don't think it's good for kids but your son isn't actually demanding it yet. I'd just be careful he doesn't start expecting it or stop valuing things,there is a danger this will happen and who wants a child like that.

My sons are 6,dd 5 and I don't do any of that,they have lovely things at Xmas/bdays and a tiny bit of money from grandparents at Easter(instead of masses of choc) which they really value. Occasionally we treat them too eg sweets or an ice cream in the summer / give them a £1 to spend in a museum shop but this isn't a regular thing by any means, very much a treat and we won't be doing it for a long while as they've just had Xmas.

I'll never forget being in a gift shop once with a child in meltdown because mummy wouldn't buy her the v expensive toy she wanted. Mummy was buying 1, she wanted 2,she threw the notebook offered on the floor.Believe it or not this mother was reasoning with her not a bellow or frogmarch to be heard/seen.

My 3 just enjoyed looking at the things that were in the shop and skipped out when called. The only reason they did this was because they know we rarely buy stuff for the sake of it,it has to be a special occasion. I then went back in and bought dd the rock she'd been looking at and the boys the rubbers they'd liked-they were totally thrilled.

I personally don't want spoilt,rude,materialistic kids that can't cope with the fact that they can't have their own way all the time and every single thing they want to boot so we are firm as parents. I appreciate this is a parenting style and it's horses for courses however we are preparing our children for the big wide world and I'm afraid money doesn't grow on trees and children have to fit into society.

I don't think it's fair to give kids a false view of what life is like out in the big wide world. People will not let our children have their own way all the time why should they?They need to learn to be nice human beings thinking of others not constantly themselves.Also if they fritter money constantly they won't be in a position to keep up with mortgage payments.

My kids are by no means perfect far from it believe me but we are not permissive or apologetic for standing firm and I think it's this which causes a lot of the spoilt problems as much as materialistic goods. I don't think either are good but I think you could spoil a kid materialistically but be firm as a parent and just about get away without creating a brat maybe/probably not. The spoiling with things would make it all a harder journey though.

I would also say here are other ways of being thoughtful and I think kids actually value time more than things. Do you buy all these things because you enjoy doing it rather because he needs them?

Spoilt is when a young teen throws their PS2 against a wall and breaks it in a rage and his mum goes and buys him another one!! I kid you not, I know someone who did this.

I agree that its the way you bring them up etc, be respectful, good manners, not indulging their every whim. I too have a DS with a birthday in January so I like to buy the odd thing here and there, especially when Asda have good books for £1 and stuff like that. I know some people think children are spoilt by the amount of toys they have but I had quite a few toys when I was young and I wasn't spoilt.

If you don't bring your child up strictly adhering to the methods of SWMNBN then you are guaranteed a spoilt brat.

Looking at dh and me as adults there is no question about who is more prone to spoilt behaviour (inconsiderate, wants own way, unappreciative) or at least has had to work hard to stop it. That would be me. And as children guess who had more stuff, treats etc? That would be him. Go figure. It's about a spirit of appreciation and not expecting stff, taking things for granted or treating people with disdain or a lack of respect. Being spoilt is about someone being allowed to manipulate someone else against their better judgement. Has nothing to do with stuff being given. Read Penelope Leach if you don't believe me!

I think that you are muddling treats and spoiling.
Everyone likes treats. It is a question of knowing they are treats and not expecting them or seeing them as a right.
When mine were little we could go and browse around a toy shop and they were quite happy to look around and come out with nothing. They were very pleased if I bought something, but they understood if we were just looking. If we had a special ice cream they didn't demand one the next time.
I think they are spoilt if they expect it and throw a tantrum if they don't get it, or can't take another DC having a special time when they are not, or are given something and don't treat it properly.

Well, they are all things I would do for DP. No-one accuses me of spoiling him!

If your DS appreciates the things, and doesn't think he is automatically entitled to them, I would say he's not spoilt.

When does a treat become spoiling?Interested question .

If treats happen too often surely they cease to be a treat and therefor turn into spoiling. Surely if a kid doesn't throw a strop and is clever enough to keep quiet but still expects/is used to a treat every time they go somewhere they could still be called spoilt.

If children grow up used to always getting what they want but aren't the temperamental type surely they're still spoilt.

Either way they'll have a bit of a shock when they've got bills to pay,a budget to keep to but are used to always having what they covet.

The Friday cake thing I think is a nice tradition though.

I think ds1 is spoilt. I think all children are spoilt these days. All my mum friends of 6 year olds agree that their children are spoilt.
My son does not have tantrums. But I don't think he appreciates his toys. or appreciates how lucky he is. or what he has. or how much time we spend with hi. or how we try and parent properly and try and be strict and show some discipline.
He shows little respect to his toys. and doesn't really appreciate them
And I think eevery child I know is the same.

Don't you think they are? I don't think you do.and I am shocked and saddened by that.

I wish someone could explain to me what I need to do to stop ds being spoilt.

SWMNBN ?

By MilaMae Fri 15-Jan-10 19:38:01
When does a treat become spoiling?

It doesn't IMO. It is nothing to do with material items. It is entirely down to parenting, discpline, attitude and behaviour. A child is not spoilt because they have things. A child is spoilt if allowed to expect things, and demand things, and is not grateful for things, be them material or otherwise.

A child who gets lots may be spoilt, but it is not always the case.

Likewise a child who rarely gets bought gifts can be spoilt.

Having a lot of stuff may just mean a child is privledged, comes from a family with a lot of spare cash, or is the only child within an extended family.

Material gifts does NOT mean a spoilt child.

Obolov - I disagree. My DD does appreciate her toys, she does treat her own belongs 9and those of others) with respect, she is thankful for what she has. She also knows ohers are not so lucky. We sponsor a child and she has chosen to send gifts there. When she grows out of toys and clothes she always suggests sending them to charity or to pas onto other people. Things are not just discarded by her, nor does she throw her stuff about, trash stuff, etc. Dhe likes her oom tidy and she likes her toys to have a place to go, etc. She likes to look after her stuff.

She is not alone. We know of other children with this attitude towards their things, and those of others.

o.k. hula. I'm impressed. I know not of a child like this. all the children I know are like my ds.
Please I am all ears. why do you think you dd is like this and my ds is not.nor any child at his school. what can I learn from you?

Treats are fine as long as the child appreciates them as such. If they come to expect it and have a tantrum when you don't give in they are spoilt. I don't think spoiling is necessarily linked to material gifts - someone I know vowed that she would never let her child cry with the result that her dd never had to do anything she didn't want to do. Obviously she did cry - rather a lot - as a means of ensuring she always got her own way.

Oblomov - I am not begging my DD up. Obviously she is a normal child and has her moments, But she does serious take care of her stuff. Many of her friends do. Why? I don't know. Although she knows that she doesn't get if she asks, and if she did damage something on purpose or didn't look after her stuff then they'd be removed and not replaced. I don't think it is that unusual.

She does have a couple of friends who don't behave appropriately for their age. They demand and expect, and don't treat their possessons properly, etc. But TBH these are not the ones who get the most. But they do have very different temperaments.

Have to admit DD is very mild mannered and easy going. We just don't have these issues. I think it is just her way, and maybe just a it lucky for us.

Oblomov I think you are expecting too much from your son and 6 year olds in general. Of course your DS can't fully appreciate in terms of being grateful for what he has; because he doesn't know the alternative, does he? He's never had nothing. I think Hula's child is a girl and yours is a boy, to be honest! Boys are very (forgive me, but I have one too!) self centred and self focussed and I don't know a single one whose first thought would be 'lets send this to charity' or 'lets tidy my room, I do like everything in it's place'....again, that does not make your ds spoilt it makes him what he is, a boy.

Also, a child who has been lucky enough to have good caring involved parents will not, at 6, be grateful for that. Again, he has no frame of reference. But this is something he will become grateful for the older he gets.

We all take for granted what is normal to us.

I do admit though that we are, and always were from when she was little, very aware that she would be growing up in a priveldged position compared to many others, especially being an only child and also having no other children in either side of the family at the time. So right from her being 2/3 years old ahve involved her in sorting out old toys and clothes and deciding what to do with them, etc. And she has been brought up knowing others are less fortunate.