DS hitting me - how do I stop him?

[GoldenSnitch]

DS (2.9) has been an angel his entire life. He's well behaved and bright and a joy to be around....

and then his sister arrived 3 and a half weeks ago and he's changed

We tried so hard to prepare him for her arrival - we bought books about getting a sibling. We found out the sex and named her and talked to him about "Catherine" rather than "the baby". We moved his room months in advance and made a big deal with a new bed and bedding with cars on, moved some toys up there - and he loves it. He plays up there now when he never used to and even invited visitors up to see his room cause he's so proud. We got the new buggy early so he was used to it. DH took 3 weeks off work to help give him the attention he needed.

But none of it has worked as my kind gentle little boy has gotten all angry and aggressive. If I ask him not to do something, however nicely, he glares and shouts and even hits or kicks me!! (he has NOT learned this from me or DH - we do not smack)

He loves his little sister and wants to hold her and kiss her all the time (which I allow whenever it's possible, ie I'm not feeding) but he's getting fed up with her now too and grumps if she cries while he's holding her or if she turns away when he goes to kiss her - he even shoved her off his lap the other day!!! It's a good job I was holding her too.

We have had to stay in a bit more since DD was born. He's used to doing 3-4 activities a week but they all shut down for Christmas/the snow. DH has been taking him out for bike rides and walks which he's loved instead.

But DH goes back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 more weeks (can't drive as I had an ELCS and all but 1 activity are too far away to walk to) with a newborn and this new, horrible, smacking, shouting toddler!

I'm finding it hard not to get very angry with him

So how do I teach him that hitting is not on without making his resent me and his sister even more? We've been sending him to the naughty step and taking away treats but that's obviously not working.

I'm tired and emotional and I miss my little boy. I don't like this replacement child much at all. How do I get my baby back?

I would just keep on saying firmly "No hitting". You can talk to him about how it can be hard to have to share his mummy, acknowledging his negative feelings might help him to get over them. You could also show him how to show his cross feelings using a pillow or a doll. I wouldn't use the naughty step or removal of treats, imo he is too young to understand this. And you have noticed yourself that it is not working.

He has had his life disrupted a lot, I would just cut him some slack, realise that this is just a phase and WILL pass, and carry on giving him all the love and attention you usually give him.

I know how hard it is when your toddler hits your baby, ds started getting quite agressive when dd got to six months, but he was about the age of your ds then. It is a terrible shock, especially for you with a newborn to cope with as well.

aggressive - sorry

Siblings without Rivalry is a brilliant book that helped me through this phase.

I agree with Humphrey, I would also try and get him to be Mummys special helper and I would make a badge for him and try and get him to be your big boy and get him to help you... If he will not then when he is being good and nice then give him attention but if he is being unkind or has hit tell him firmly no hitting and walk away.

Try to allow some special time when baby is asleep perhaps just for him and you. Do what he wants.
IT WILL PASS AND GOOD LUCK

He got a "Big Brother" badge with a card my sister bought him but he didn't want to wear it. Maybe I'll try him with it again tomorrow?

I have been asking him to pass wipes and rattle toys for DD when we do nappy changes which he'll do sometimes. The rattling toys works well cause it can often stop her crying but she started again while he was doing it a few days ago and he lobbed the rattle across the room in a temper!!

I've also been trying to play with him when she sleeps. He got a new board game for christmas and a garage and he loves playdough. The problem is that DD is really clingy at the moment and is crying whenever we put her down and demanding to be fed a lot! Can be every half hour when she's at her worst and it's the crying which really annoys him.

He's really going to hate it tomorrow when he has to wait for me to finish feeding her. His beloved Daddy won't be here either - he seems to resent me the most. Never hits Daddy.

Oh it is so hard, I do know. I have been through it.

I now know, through bitter experience of trying to be 'tough' on such behavior which just resulted in worse behavior, that the only thing that makes it better is to acknowledge the bad feelings and try to understand. The book I mentioned earlier said to imagine that your husband said to you "I love you so much and think you are such a lovely wife, that I have decided to get a new wife just like you". If you think about how that makes you feel it can help to understand even more.

It sounds as if you have made lots of effort to help your ds through the transition and feel that something has gone wrong. I don't think anything has gone wrong, your ds's behavior sounds so so normal to me. These situations just need more and more work ime, and things that you do to show him that you love him as much as you always did are never wasted.

The best thing I ever did with ds was to put his negative feelings about his sister into words for him. He knew I understood then. With the feeding, you could say beforehand "I am going to have to feed the baby for a long time and I know that you find that hard. What shall we do to make it better?" You could try reading a story, watching some tv, something extra nice to eat (ds ate more grapes and biscuits at this point than ever before).

Sorry, another thought - could just be that the terrible twos is starting up? If your ds has been an angel up to now he is quite unusual! Toddler tantrums started for both my two at about 18 months.

Great post by Humphrey - agree with every word. I also think it is very important to allow him to be angry and simply to understand. It would be very weird actually, if a child of two had the emotional maturity to accept this annoying interloper when he has not yet developmentally got the social skills which we overlay on top of our natural 'ego'.

I wouldn't push the 'big brother' badge or stuff - he doesn't want to see himself as something in relation to the new 'thing' he wants to see himself as he always has - eg the centre of the known universe!

oh and another thing I think is very useful is not to expect him to love the baby, but to tell him how much the baby loves him...he will find this easy to believe If you have to just make it up "oh I think the baby loves it when you are in the room, she has stopped crying!" "the baby is watching you, I bet she wishes she was as big as you, she can't do what you do, can she..." etc etc

Just wanted to say that I can remember feeling like I'd ruined my ds's life when I had dd, he went from being angelic to crying a lot about everything. I remember it being really hard, especially when they were both crying. Getting out the house everyday was essential for me.
Not sure what to say about the hitting, if it's to get you to do something, give him an example of how he should ask or surprise him by asking him for a cuddle, this often breaks the build up of frustration with mine and helps me not to go down the path where I get really annoyed/upset.
Also wanted to add that on the whole my 2 are best friends now, but it is very very hard at first, take any help you can get!

Thank you. The wife analogy is brilliant - I hadnt thought of it like that but it makes a lot of sense. You're right that I feel like I've failed too. I thought we'd prepared him so well.

We've tried watching movies while I feed - he now knows the Skyplus-ed recordig of Robots so we'll he asks us to fast forward before the ad break even starts!! He does enjoy it though, stories are good too.

Will definitely try talking to him and preparing him for difficult bits like long feeds.

He's definitely had his terrible toddler moments before DD was born but this new behaviour definitely only started when she arrived. Could be a mixture of the 2 I suppose.

Another thing you might try is to give him a picture of a sad face, when he feels sad or cross he could show you the picture and you could give him a very big cuddle.

Please don't feel you have failed. It happens to all of us. Do get that book Siblings without Rivalry it is totally brilliant.

Oh and congratulations about your new baby

My eldest felt very insecure when his brother was born and it was all focused on me. He turned into someone I didn't want to spend time with. He was so naughty and defiant, not his character at all. I ended up not holding the baby much when he was around, which probably wasn't that fair to the baby. We made sure he had time with us when the baby was sleeping and we constantly told him how wonderful he was. All I can say is he is still getting used to being a brother. They are very competitive for adult attention. A book that helped me was Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green. It is non judgemental and funny. It has excellent advice. My two are 5 and 2 and we are now in the divide and conquer part. My boys do love each other and look ut for each other, which I couldn't imagine when we were going through our tough time.

That's it exactly spanky2 - he's changed so much that I'm not enjoying spending time with him anymore! He's not my little buddy anymore, he can be so horrible Not his fault though, I know that.

I have the Toddler Taming book - will dig it out.

Trying hard this morning. We had a cuddle in bed while DD slept then came down and he helped me by rattling toys while I changed her nappy. I put the TV on to amuse him and gave him a carton of juice while I fed DD and then we went and got dressed while she slept.

Still got to turn the TV off

He's happily watching Bob the Builder right now.

Will play some games once it's finished

I found a sling really helpful when I had my second, I could carry baby around and still have two hands free when needed to help or do something with my oldest.

My other advice is to not try to get him to do things to stop the baby crying at this stage because with a newborn baby, this will often not work and the then the 2yo will feel frustrated and like they have failed, like when a toy doesn't do what it is supposed to!

Just concentrate on things like "look she is watching you eating, she can't even eat anything yet, I bet she thinks you are amazing!" etc, or point out all the funny or silly things that babies do - the faces they pull, the burping, pooing etc - laughing together can work wonders!

I got a Moby sling for Christmas. Just got to work out how to use it!!

That's a good point you've made about the crying too. He does get very frustrated when it doesn't work. I'll stick to getting him to pass me things. Thank you

Todays not been so bad. We only had one time when I had to leave DD to cry while I dealt with DS and he's only hit me once (I said "it's not nice to hit" and walked off) when he wanted to play in the sink and I said no cause I needed to feed DD and he would have flooded the kitchen.

He only cried once too (he'd become very attached to the glass recycling bin - it had been there for weeks because of the snow - and so got upset when the binmen came to empty it today)

DD has been very unsettled today too so it's quite an achievement that he's not gotten more upset. She's asleep now so I guess I'd better make a start on dinner while I have hands free!!

Hitting me is not having any effect any more so now DS has taken to wetting himself - even though he's been potty trained since the spring!

He doesn't even try to tell me. Twice today he has done a full wee in his pants and just now he's poo-ed too!

I typed a long reply but lost it

Just popped back to see if you were ok but you sound really down.

I know I keep saying it, but this is not an abnormal reaction to what has happened.

I was thinking about you last night, and I remembered what I did one day last summer when ds's behaviour had reached rock bottom and he had hit me in the face at the toddler group (witnessed by every single mum in the place). I lost my temper big time and shouted all the way home in the car, resulting in a massive, day long meltdown by ds. (I know that you haven't lost it like this). I felt terrible, as did ds.

The next day I woke up and tried something I had read - I told him all the things I loved about him. I talked and talked, everything from the way he could throw a ball to the way he ate his dinner. That day his behavior was much much better. He glowed.

That incident was what taught me to bombard my difficult ds with praise at every opportunity, being as specific as I could manage to be. Try it with your ds, I guarantee it won't be a wasted effort. Remember that you are not going to cure this immediately and cut yourself some slack (I think you are being far too hard on yourself).

Keep posting and tell us how things are.

lots of good advice already here and would just echo what others have said: the hitting is just behaviour to get attention and the more cuddles and positive stuff and praise you can manage with him the better.
My ds is 3.2 and his little sister is 5 months now and we have had some very rocky times since she was born! But he has always been a very very spirited individual and we have already had to deal with an awful lot of trying behaviour from him so tbh it just felt like an extension of that!
it sounds like your ds has been such an angel to date that this is all a bit of shock but don't be hard on yourself, honestly be glad that you had an angel in the first place unlike some of us

Regressing with toilet training is common when big changes occur. Just going overseas for a holiday set my oldest back about two months when she was that age! It is frustrating I know but we just didn't make a big deal of it (though I often had to bite my tongue), we just said "nevermind" & quickly and quietly cleaned up the mess so that she wasn't getting tons of attention from it but also wasn't feeling like she was being naughty. She eventually just sorted herself out though I think after a couple of weeks we may have also used a sticker chart with her.

My good friend is a plunket nurse and she said it happens all the time so that made me feel slightly better

Good Luck.

I've been trying the praise thing this morning. Telling him about things I think are wonderful about him (and there are a lot ) and even trying to involve his sister by telling him she thinks he is wonderful and clever too. I even managed to turn this mornings poo in the pants into an almost positive by telling how clever she thought he was when I got him sat on the loo to clean him up and he did a wee.

Yesterday just felt like a real failure because I'd pushed myself to take him out for the first time on my own and it all seemed to go wrong!

I promised him we could go to Toddler Group (the only thing we do which in walking distance - I can't drive yet after ELCS) if he ate his lunch so I got us all dressed (DD twice cause she wet the first outfit!), brought the buggy inside so we could get organised in the warm and got mud on the newly cleaned carpet and finally got out of the house after half an hour - most of which was spend convincing DS to get his coat on. We walked to the School with DS always 6 foot behind me - probably where it went wrong as I spent the whole walk saying "hurry up, keep up with Mummy" instead of being positive but I was worried because the paths were all covered in snow and the last time I went out I fainted!

We popped to the shop and on the way out he told me he'd wet himself. It'd gone down his legs and into his wellies, soaking his socks! I got him to Toddler group and changed him but I didn't have any spare socks so he ended up barefoot and I had to push him home in the buggy with bare feet inside his smelly wellies cause I couldn't let him walk without socks on in the snow. Thank goodness I insisted we needed a double buggy!!

He had a good time while we were there and didn't want to come home (he never does) but it all seemed like more hassle than it was worth.

When we got home, he wet himself again too. Then poo-ed after I'd changed him

I'm trying not to be discouraged though and have invited friends over tomorrow and Friday to play and have checked with the insurance company who have said I can drive when I feel ready as they have no 6 week policy for c-sections. I'm not quite ready yet and certainly don't want to risk it in the snow (it's been coming down all morning here) but hopefully, we'll be able to go out next week sometime.

Sorry that's long. Thank you all for your help. I always feel more positive after reading this thread and I promise I'm trying all of your suggestions. Having new things to try is stopping me from feeling so lost!

You are doing really well. Life with two is a massive shock, especially with the added stress of regression on the potty training front. Your trip out sounds hard, but I bet is was worth it, it filled up the day a bit. You say it went all wrong, but you did it and got everyone home safely, and your ds had a nice time so on balance I would say it went right. It is SO HARD managing two to begin with, but it gets much better quite quickly, honestly.

I used to find that getting two screaming stuggling children in and out of the car constantly was the worst thing, as I live in the country I didn't have much choice. If I went out twice in the day I did it eight times. I still went out though, I used to find that my ds was awful without a change of scene.

Hope the snow gets better. I have been stuck in for three days now, it is rubbish.

Are you getting any sleep?

We've been very lucky with sleep. DS has always been a brilliant sleeper and DD seems to take after her brother. She's still up every 3 hours but most nights she's going back off easily between feeds. We have horrible nights where she screams and wakes him up but in the main, we've been incredibly lucky.

You're right that DS enjoyed his trip out and I got to see a friend who I haven't seen in almost a month so I got to have a chat with her too which was good. It wasn't a total disaster, it just felt very, very hard and as it was the first time DS has properly wet himself in months it felt like I'd failed in that respect too.

The snow is still coming down steadily. The bare patch where DH's car was last night is gone already. I think we're going to get a couple of inches at least. I just hope DH can get home. He drives an hour to work and the last part of his journey is quite rural. Waiting for Tesco to deliver some food too so I hope they get through.

Well. yesterday was a nightmare when it came to the toilet. Not a single 'thing' went in the loo, it was all done in pants!

I asked him why he didn't want to use the loo anymore and he said "because I'm fed up". When I asked him why he was fed up he said "baby Catherine"

He even wet himself before his bath while Daddy was here (he was only wetting with me before) and then poo-ed in the bath which he has never done before! I was so annoyed yesterday, I even threatened to put him back in nappies if he did it again which he didn't like cause he says nappies are for babies.

So far we're doing OK today. He's been for both a wee and a poo in the loo and I have rewarded him with Jelly beans, just like I did when we were potty training in March. It feels like a massive step backwards but at least I'm back to only having one set of nappies to clean up.

We've got our health visitor visit this morning for DD but I think I might mention DS's issues too and then one of his friends and her Mummy are popping over after lunch. That should keep him busy.

On a practical note, you don't actually have to wait 6 weeks until you can drive. I have known a few friends who just phoned up their insurance companies and were asked if they felt able to drive and so were driving from around 2 weeks. Do you feel able to drive yet?

The change in routine will have had as much effect as the baby arriving. He would benefit from going back to his usual routine as quickly as possible.

Congratulations on your baby