DS hitting me - how do I stop him?

[GoldenSnitch]

DS (2.9) has been an angel his entire life. He's well behaved and bright and a joy to be around....

and then his sister arrived 3 and a half weeks ago and he's changed

We tried so hard to prepare him for her arrival - we bought books about getting a sibling. We found out the sex and named her and talked to him about "Catherine" rather than "the baby". We moved his room months in advance and made a big deal with a new bed and bedding with cars on, moved some toys up there - and he loves it. He plays up there now when he never used to and even invited visitors up to see his room cause he's so proud. We got the new buggy early so he was used to it. DH took 3 weeks off work to help give him the attention he needed.

But none of it has worked as my kind gentle little boy has gotten all angry and aggressive. If I ask him not to do something, however nicely, he glares and shouts and even hits or kicks me!! (he has NOT learned this from me or DH - we do not smack)

He loves his little sister and wants to hold her and kiss her all the time (which I allow whenever it's possible, ie I'm not feeding) but he's getting fed up with her now too and grumps if she cries while he's holding her or if she turns away when he goes to kiss her - he even shoved her off his lap the other day!!! It's a good job I was holding her too.

We have had to stay in a bit more since DD was born. He's used to doing 3-4 activities a week but they all shut down for Christmas/the snow. DH has been taking him out for bike rides and walks which he's loved instead.

But DH goes back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 more weeks (can't drive as I had an ELCS and all but 1 activity are too far away to walk to) with a newborn and this new, horrible, smacking, shouting toddler!

I'm finding it hard not to get very angry with him

So how do I teach him that hitting is not on without making his resent me and his sister even more? We've been sending him to the naughty step and taking away treats but that's obviously not working.

I'm tired and emotional and I miss my little boy. I don't like this replacement child much at all. How do I get my baby back?

Thanks Even managed to get DD fed in time to join him in the bath and do his bedtime story tonight.

He got up 10 minutes later because he needed a wee...in the loo!!

Fab, sounds like just what you all needed............. rememer today if tomorrow goes a little it wrong, it will make you smile and be ready for monday!!!
Think you are doing great........

Had another clean day on Monday and Ds loved Grandma taking him swimming.

Doing well today too - clean so far. About to try toddler group again which is where it all went wrong last week!

Another clean and dry day and another "normal" day int hat we did exactly what we would have done before DD was born and went to toddler group.

But DS was tired after getting into our bed at 3.30am and being woken by DD crying for her feed at 5am and he was playing up, throwing toys and ignoring me completely. He kept running off and lagging behind on the walk home and I ended up having to all but drag him out of the middle of the road when he decided to stop!! I put the TV on to distract him while I fed and changed DD when we got home and he fell asleep on the sofa.

Bedtime's been hard though even with DH here. He really didn't want to go and there have been a lot of tears.

I feel awful today. Like I've ruined everything by having a second child. We were so happy and now everything seems hard and out of control. I feel like I'm not giving either of the children what they need. DS is miserable and needs more attention and DD gets left to sleep or is being fed but ignored while I see to DS.

Is anybody there? I need help again...

Yesterday was OK but today has been a complete and utter nightmare.

Following our normal routine, today should have been a day at home so that's what we did - but to keep DS amused, I organised for some friends to come over to visit.

DS hated it!

He refused to play with the girls, refused to share his toys and went back to throwing and kicking things. He also snatched toys from them which he's never done before, he's always been good at sharing.

He's also wet himself 3 times!

And then he fell asleep on the kitchen floor at dinner time.

He's gone from being a breeze to put to bed to an absolute nightmare. He's getting up 10-15 times before he finally goes to sleep and then he's getting up about 3.30am and coming into our bed. He's never slept in our bed but since DD arrived I've been letting him sleep with us as I think he must be feeling very left out with us 3 in our room and him on his own in his...but maybe that's wrong cause it's leaving him so tired the next day that he's falling asleep when he hasn't napped in 6 months.

DH suggested he might be fighting bedtime because he feels left out too. We're usually trying to get DD to sleep downstairs while he's in bed upstairs so again, it's "us 3" and "him". I even tried ignoring him when he got up tonight to see if the getting up was just more attention seeking but he just stayed on the landing and when I finally went to him, he told me he needed a poo and then went and did one on the loo - I felt awful

So what do I do? Do I carry on retunrning him to bed and risk him feeling excluded? Do I put him back to bed at 3am ad risk the same?

DH filmed him chatting tonight and he again said that he's fed up. I feel so awful. My baby boy is so disrupted and upset. How do I make it better?

I think you just seem to be expecting too much golden - you sound so tortured by it all Thing is, I think 99% of kids regress when a baby comes along; going back in the toilet training dept is SO common. I know it's still hard to deal with, but perhaps accepting that it's so normal as to be almost expected, might help you invest less emotion in it?

Also, he is at the age where he is developing into becoming a more independent child with his own strong will anyway, as a seperate thing to having a sibling come along; he WILL dawdle, he will do annoying things and you will get annoyed with him, it won't kill anyone and it happens to 100% of mothers and toddlers so it would be more weird if you didn't get annoyed with him at times.

Personally, I would go easy on him at bedtime. I think if you possibly can, if DH is around, then either DH sits with DD while you are with DS or vice versa. My DS hated bedtime so incredibly much that we ended up staying in the room with him while he dropped off. It made bedtime a gentle, loving, quiet time instead of a dreadful fight that left DH and me feeling sick!

I think alot of it may be down to you learning to invest alot less emotion in it all - you are blaming yourself for having another when that is a totally and utterly pointless road to go down. You need to perhaps grow a somewhat harder shell about it and think well - to a certain degree, your ds now has to put up with life the way it is.

I'm not saying that is easy - in fact it is one of the very hardest things to do as a parent, to grow that shell and just seperate a tiny bit from your adored child; I had to do this with ds when he started pre-school, he hated it SO much and I felt sick to leave him there, but I knew the long term benefits, and it simply had to be done so I had no alternative but to toughen up a little. It's for everyone's good really.

Cor that was a long one! Sorry!

oh and also, I think put less pressure on yourself to make days good days. You are giving your children a roof over their heads, a safe and kind home environment, warmth, food, and drinks. Anything above that is a bloody big acheivement at this stage.

I suppose you could be right but that's quite tough to hear.

He got up at 2am and DH went and got into his bed. He seems a lot happier this morning but DH was late for work as he had no alarm to wake him up.

I read something last night that a makes me wonder if DS has a urine infection too which is causing him to wet himself. He is going much more frequently than normal and it smells really strongly.

DS1 was 2.2 when DS2 arrived and I had exactly the same feelings - that I'd ruined out nice life together, and that I resented him for playing up... it's all so very normal. He's also had a few TT regressions, and I have to say I've put him in pull-ups for a day ot two which has sorted the problem. If in a mood he is capable of weeing all the time! So it may not be an infection, but you could always take him to the GP to check.

Would second the suggestion of a sling and cutting a lot of slack. DS2 is a year old now and the boys play together and really enjoy each other's company. Your DS will appreciate his sister soon - and she will find him far more entertaining than you or any other adult!

Hope you have a good weekend and get a break yourslef.

Got him booked into the Doctors this morning to check for an infection. Don't want to be getting mad at him for weeing if it's not his fault.

Sounds like a good idea Golden

agree with Effie, keep thinking of that time when your children WILL appreciate eachother and play together well, it will happen I'm sure, it's just a case of putting one foot in front of the other through the hard days till then

I suppose it can only get better!

I don't remember my sister arriving and I was slightly older than DS when she was born.

I really enjoyed DS as a teeny baby. I feel bad that I am all but wishing away DD's babyhood as I wait for things to get easier..

hi golden,
i just wanted you to know you are not alone,i had another dd 4 weeks ago and my dd1 who is 3.5 has been really playing up too and seems really down sometimes.Just not her usual bubbly self....she´s not doing the wetting thing but it is upsetting me the way she is behaving...hitting me,telling me to shut up,that i´m stupid..just generally being a nasty child that i didnt know existed.
I really dont know how to tackle it.It´s a fine line i think between telling her off too much or not enough??? i dont want her to think its acceptable how she is behaving but i dont want to make things worse.
Went to pick her up from nursery yesterday to be told she was being very "grumpy" and tearful.....
They said she has "baby syndrome".
I can relate alot to the things you have said like trying to ignore dc2 in order to give attention to dc1 then feeling guilty for missing out on baby time with dc2....

god its so hard and i feel too.

anyway,just wanted you to know you are not alone and i dont mean to hijack your thread!!

Thanks for posting currycrazy. Sorry you're going through the same but it is nice to know that he's not the only one...

Everything you've said is spot on. The horrid child that I didn't know existed and the hitting and grumping! It's awful isn't it. And the nightmare of trying to balance discipline and understanding definitely rings true too! I really thought I'd prepared him well so this has all been a bit of a bombshell. I wasn't expecting this!

Doctor agreed that he might have a urine infection at least and we've sent off a sample to test. I really hope (in a weird sort of way) that it is an infection because at least then I know it's not another thing linked to DD's arrival. I'm so sick of being upset with him.

Don't feel you're hijacking. If you need some help, post too - maybe we can help each other?

OK afternoon cause we went to SIL's but bath and bedtime was a nightmare again - he's just so tired. Going to try to put him to bed earlier tomrrow I think.

so glad its the weekend