DS hitting me - how do I stop him?

[GoldenSnitch]

DS (2.9) has been an angel his entire life. He's well behaved and bright and a joy to be around....

and then his sister arrived 3 and a half weeks ago and he's changed

We tried so hard to prepare him for her arrival - we bought books about getting a sibling. We found out the sex and named her and talked to him about "Catherine" rather than "the baby". We moved his room months in advance and made a big deal with a new bed and bedding with cars on, moved some toys up there - and he loves it. He plays up there now when he never used to and even invited visitors up to see his room cause he's so proud. We got the new buggy early so he was used to it. DH took 3 weeks off work to help give him the attention he needed.

But none of it has worked as my kind gentle little boy has gotten all angry and aggressive. If I ask him not to do something, however nicely, he glares and shouts and even hits or kicks me!! (he has NOT learned this from me or DH - we do not smack)

He loves his little sister and wants to hold her and kiss her all the time (which I allow whenever it's possible, ie I'm not feeding) but he's getting fed up with her now too and grumps if she cries while he's holding her or if she turns away when he goes to kiss her - he even shoved her off his lap the other day!!! It's a good job I was holding her too.

We have had to stay in a bit more since DD was born. He's used to doing 3-4 activities a week but they all shut down for Christmas/the snow. DH has been taking him out for bike rides and walks which he's loved instead.

But DH goes back to work tomorrow and I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 more weeks (can't drive as I had an ELCS and all but 1 activity are too far away to walk to) with a newborn and this new, horrible, smacking, shouting toddler!

I'm finding it hard not to get very angry with him

So how do I teach him that hitting is not on without making his resent me and his sister even more? We've been sending him to the naughty step and taking away treats but that's obviously not working.

I'm tired and emotional and I miss my little boy. I don't like this replacement child much at all. How do I get my baby back?

I checked with the insurance company and they said I could drive whenever the Doctor said I was ready but that I didn't actually have to have any sort of doctors note so I guess I could go out whenever I felt ready.

The problem now is the snow. I'm not sure I feel ready to drive in the snow yet and even if I was, nothings on because of the snow anyway!!

I did walk him to one toddler group on Tuesday (we always walk to that one) and he had fun but that was when the wetting started.

I'll try getting us out next week if the weathers better (we've got visitors today and tomorrow to fill the rest of this week) and try to get back to normal. The potty training issues worry me about going out but I'll just have to pack plenty of spare clothes.

Your friends were brave, driving at 2 weeks! I was still too sore to try it then!

Oh and Thanks for the congrats - she's gorgeous

When I talked to DS2 as a tiny baby, I talked to him incessantly about DS1 in the following manner. "Yes, DS2, yes, I know you're crying, yes, I know you want to play with DS1. Yes. When you're 2. Yes I know he's got a big train set. That's just for boys who are 2. When you're 2, you can play with DS1. Yes, he can jump really high can't he? You're just a baby now so you have to have milk, but when you're bigger DS1 will show you how to jump too. Right, DS2, we have to go out now, DS1 is going to see his friends. Yes, I know you're crying but DS1 is ready to go....."

It worked brilliantly as each child thought they were getting my attention and I ascribed Ds1's emotions to DS2 IYSWIM. It sort of creates the evidence that the baby loves the big brother so it's more convincing than just asserting "baby loves you" I think. DS1 soon took it up (once he could talk) and would attempt to comfort crying DS2 by saying things like "yes, when you're bigger, I'll share it with you" and things like that.

Worth a try?

Anything is worth a try! - Thanks linglette

We managed to get all but 1 wee on the toilet today! Massive praise and "Yey"-ing and jelly bean rewards when he got to the loo and nothing at all when he wet himself - the health visitor was here so he could have been distracted. It seems to be working.

He asked me today if we could go out in Mummy's car so I'm pretty sure he's just missing his routine. If the snows gone next week, I think I'll try driving again and get us back to our normal activities.

We had one of his friends over again today which he enjoyed. Took her straight up to his room to play Her Mum mentioned that he looked like he hd a lot of energy to use up as he was running and jumping around. Hopefully, we'll ahve another friend over tomorrow. Then it's the weekend with Daddy - must make sure they go out and run off some energy - and hopefully back to normal on Monday.

I hope it helps

Really feel for you sounds like you are doing brilliantly and you sound quite hard on yourself - you've literally just had a baby, try and give yourself and ds a break. It honestly, truly DOES NOT matter how much tv he watches or sweeties he eats, before you know it the whole dynamic will have changed, and you can start doing it more how you want to. At the moment do whatever is the easiest option to get you through the day.

You so obviously adore him, and he knows it. He's just adjusting to a massive change in his little life - no more, no less. He WILL get there, it will all be okay.

Just enjoy them, and keep carrying around those baby wipes!

Drive when YOU feel comfortable enough to, in the grand scheme of things it wont matter whether you go out this week or next, what's important is for you to feel confident and happy in what you do - everything else will follow.

god knows it's bloody hard - I've got a similiar age gap, and without a doubt it is the hardest thing BY FAR I've ever done in my life - but it does get easier - so they tell me.

Thanks baskingseals I do adore him, I adore both of them and I will have to make this work cause it's not like I can send her back

I guess I just have to keep remembering that one day, he'll forget that he was ever my only child and DD will seem like she was always here. I'm the eldest of 4 and I only really remember the last 2 arriving and then only my youngest brother coming home properly. There is 3 years between me and sister 1 and I don't remember her coming home so DS will probably not ever remember this time either as he is younger than I was. I just wish it didn't seem so hard on him now.

So far today we're doing OK. He's kept himself clean and is behaving well. He's watched "Robots" and "Shark Tale" and eaten 3 little cakes but we've had good snuggles on the sofa and read books too. We've been let down by our friends who were going to visit today unfortunately and DD has cried for most of the morning as she does not want to be put down but he doesn't seem to be too upset by her and has let me read to him whilst feeding which was nice.

Plus, the rain seems to be washing away the last of the snow so the roads may well be clear ready for me to take him out locally next week. Not sure I'm up to his swimming lesson but toddler groups should be do-able.

Looking forward to having DH around to help at the weekend. Either taking DS out or cuddling DD for me so I can spend some time with my bigger baby

Aw! I was upstairs playing with him in his room just now and gave him a cuddle and without prompting he said "I love you Mummy"

Then I went downstairs to check on DD and he called me to say he needed a wee but had wet himself totally.

I've just had to change him and mop wee from the toy box he was standing on

sounds good to me - don't fret too much over the wee situation, he'll soon stop.

Just so you know we're all on the sofa eating mini hobnobs watching telly.

Best advice I got from my MIL was don't refer to DD1 as "the big girl/big sister" too much or too often - remember she's not much more than a baby too, and too much asking her to help, telling her she's big etc can be counter productive. We also got her a mini-trampoline (30quid on amazon) which is great for using up her energy while I was stuck to the sofa breastfeeding.

He's just wet himself again. Dribbles I can cope with but this was another whole wee soaking pants trousers and socks!!

I'm afraid I walked off and have left him to strip himself while I have a cry

I went back up to check on him and he'd pee'd again at which point I broke down in front of him which made him cry and we both had a cuddle.

Left him trouser-less (house is warm) and he just called me to say he'd don a poo, which he had, in the toilet even! But he'd wee'd all over the stool and the floor and the carpet and the bath mat!!!

I cleaned it up and then went into his room - to find poo on the carpet there too!

At which point I lost it and shouted. Told him he was naughty

He's now wearing a pair of his night time pull ups because I just cannot cope with any more today. Keeping up with the washing is hard enough without doing an entire load of pee soaked trousers and pants everyday!

I'm making such a total f**k up of this

JUst wanted to sy it sounds like you are doing really well, I agree with other posters he has just had his ego centric world turned upside down and he will adjust............ I now have a 4 month old DS and a 4 year old Ds, it was bloody hard in the early days and I took up secret smoking so I could cry in peace....................... It gets easoer, I no longer smoke or cry (well hardly ever!!)
Try to keep smiling, I also insisted I had 1/2 hour to myself EVERY day just to take stock or watch crap TV, gave me time to be me again......
With Ds I still have to balance out the time but it does get easier, they will both know they are loved.

PS
I stioll regul;ar;y praise the gods above for Pixar films, Cbeebies and Scooby Doo, it will not do him any harm and is only short term!!!

Typing really crap, sorry, trying to multi task and failing miserably!!!!! Cut yourself some slack and don't sweat the small stuff was advice from a friend of mine which really helped me......

It feels like such a big thing though. How am I supposed to take him out to the things he wants to do if he's wetting and messing himself. I'm not putting him back in nappies full time!!

I think when you are both calm and relaxed you can talk to him about it, maybe just sat it will behard to go out if he keeps wetting and make a joke out of it eg I will have to take a suitcase!!! He will stop and it will get better, in the meantime pack lots of clothes and if he goes through them he will have to leave early....... natural consequences and all that!!
I found doing that with Ds really helpful as in "if you don't eat your lunch now, then baby will wake, need feeding and then we won't gt to play and that will make you sad"

Poor you! Would putting him in nappies temporarily really be so bad? It may feel like a step backwards but it sounds like he's using the wee as a way of getting attention and controlling you - which is all perfectly understandable from a 2 year old's perspective, but very very hard on you when you've got so much else on your plate. My guess would be that if you put him in nappies for a bit he'll soon want to prove how grown up he is. I wouldn't make a point about nappies being for babies - just don't make a big deal about it - "we've had a few accidents and I want to make sure you don't get cold if we go out"

And to echo what everyone else says - cut yourself some slack - if I recall, your DH went back to work on Monday so you've just had a whole week of coping on your own - I really hope your DH has some time off at the weekend so you can get a break.

I am sure it feels like the last straw. A really hard thing to have to cope with. But it is JUST A PHASE. He has been trained before, he will be again. This situation is not going to go on for ever.

I really really feel that you have been to hard on yourself, blaming yourself all the time. My ds has just turned three and absolutely refuses to sit on a potty at all, despite my best efforts. I am pretty sure he has control but just will not use the potty, so I can empathise with your frustration.

I would honestly put him back into nappies for a couple of days, explain that as he is finding it hard to get to the toilet at the moment, he could wear some nappies for today. Keep it short term and stress free, give yourself a break for the day and think about it again the next day. It could even be that he is noticing the time you change your baby and wanting the attention there too.

Hope you have a good weekend. Also, have a large glass of wine tonight!

I really can't do nappies with him again. He's been potty trained since just after his 2nd birthday in March - almost a third of his life! - and he pushed the training! I wanted to wait till the summer when it was warm but he would get so upset about being dirty!!

He wasn't impressed with the nappy this afternoon either.

DH is home for the weekend now so hopefully that will take the pressure off both of us. He'll be able to help with DD so I can spend more time with DS and he'll be able to take DS out and away from DD too.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day - a fresh start - I'm still dreading it though.

I would also consider nappies........ makes your life easier, my Ds was dry at night before baby was born, we now have a wet bed every night, would love to put him back in nappies but he simply refuses so lots of washing for me!!!! I know he will get it back though and amnot stressed about it (Dh is but that's another matter!!)
I also feel you are far too hard on yourself, you Dd is only 3 weks old, you sre tried and emotional, imagine how your Ds feels. Why not try just going with the nappies and the flow for a day whilst Dh is around and see what happens........... when we are at our most strssed is the time to do nothing about anything (including potty training) (sometimes!!)

He's been clean and dry all day today!!

I've been a complete slattern and haven't even gotten dressed yet!

We've had a really lazy day. I spent the morning watching TV, dozing and feeding DD while DH took DS out to his Mums and for a bike ride and this afternoon we we're all sat in DS's room playing with his Happyland

I know it's lazy but I think it was just what I needed. I feel refreshed and much, much calmer.

I've carried on with the Jelly Bean treats for toilet trips and lots of hugs and kisses and DS seems a lot happier too.

Got a lazy Sunday tomorrow and my Mum's coming down in the evening to stay overnight and help me on Monday. I'm hoping she might take DS to his swimming lesson with me as I know he'd love to go but I just don't want to risk getting into a pool full of toddler pee with my c-section wound just yet. That would really help get things back to normal.

Anyway, no point getting dressed now. Think I may order pizza when DS goes to bed and make full use of my lazy day

So glad things are going better