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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

"Talented " toddler loosing friends

76 replies

pigleychez · 16/12/2009 13:44

My DD is 16mths. Not trying to be big headed but she is pretty bright...She can already count to 14!

Her speech is excellent and her levels of understanding are amazing. Yes she is my PFB but im a qualified Childcarer so have had alot of experience with children and thier development.
Being qualified doesnt mean ive been pushing her though, she has picked things up that ive never even mentioned before!

Anyway..the group of friends that we have known since they were tiny have always comment on her development and mums have admitted to me that they worry why there LO arent doing the same. I have noticed lately though that they dont seem to be inviting us out with them anymore and come up with excuses for not visiting us when invited
I try not to boast about her and that but feels like shes missing out on seeing her friends. She always asks after them and I feel very sad for her.

Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

merrycompo · 16/12/2009 13:46

at 16 months they arent really playing with their friends anyway
they just play next to each other and take things off each other
or is she ahead in that way too?

pagwatch · 16/12/2009 13:47

no. and i had a super bright DS1

i think you should consider that there is something else entirely going on

jamaisjedors · 16/12/2009 13:48

I very much doubt "friends" would stop seeing you because your child was bright.

I do think they would stop seeing you if you were a pushy parent and always going on about it or worse comparing their DC.

My SIL was on the phone the other day going on about how advanced her DD is compared to all the other children her age, it makes me dread seeing her next week tbh.

Your DD won't have "friends" anyway at that age, (oh but I forgot, she is terribly advanced )

LastOfTheMulledWine · 16/12/2009 13:49

My dd is pretty bright. Spoke normally, counted, knew basic letters, shapes, colours, drew people etc at that age.

NEVER had the problems you describe.

Might there be something else happening?

TheProvincialLady · 16/12/2009 13:51

My friend's DD is/was very advanced verbally but I didn't stop visiting her even when my DS1 lagged behind for a while. Likewise my other friend's DS is very advanced physically, and another friend's DD socially. I think there is more likely something else going on, as Pag suggests.

brimfull · 16/12/2009 13:52

The children of your friends will hardly have noticed your bright child.
Invite them round and don't mention your childs progress at all.

DaisymooSteiner · 16/12/2009 13:54

Maybe, just maybe, you're being a bit too much the proud mummy and they're getting a bit fed up with it. As others have said, I have a pretty bright ds1 who was startlingly bright in some ways. When people commented on it I tried to be really casual about it and downplay it, or pick out something about their child that they did really well. Just a thought.

muppetgirl · 16/12/2009 13:56

being in childcare you would know that counting to 14 just means your child can parrot a sequence. I would be more impressed if she use and apply her knowledge -that's intelligence imo.

I agree that at this age they don't really have friends more children they like to be in the same room with and argue over toys ;)
Maybe you need to think if there's another reason? I have a wonderful friend who would drop everything to help if need be but all she talks about is her dc, she is highly competetive yet defensive about her dc at the same time. She isn't my easiest friend if that makes sense so we limit how much we see each other.

LastOfTheMulledWine · 16/12/2009 13:57

That's true. I don't really notice what my dn is doing developmentally unless SIL mentions it, nor friends' children. And I don't think I ever mention dd's development unless directly asked.

Maybe your perception of your dd as 'talented' and the discussions/comparisons that are happening are annoying.

Is it possible you're pointing out how clever and advanced and wonderful your child is without meaning to sound braggy but achieving it nonetheless?

LilRedWG · 16/12/2009 14:00

At 16 months she doesn't really have friends as such, just children she plays next to. I'm guessing that you are missing your friends, but I really wouldn't put that down to your child.

You may need to either accept that everyone is busy at this time of year or - if the others are still meeting up without you - look closer to home. Sorry.

coldtits · 16/12/2009 14:02

I found one of my friends extremely difficult to be around for a while, and avoided her. Itwas because her child was the cleverest, tallest, most sociable, well behaved, highly concentrating, articulate, attention grabbing child possible. And mine couldn't keep up despite being 10 months older. And it made me feel like shit, so I just avoided the situation.

Original poster

pigleychez · 16/12/2009 14:04

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe it is just a natural progression. One of them is now working part time and another is now a childminder so quite busy.
Also for me, I feel like im loosing some friends too. As a stay at home mum I enjoyed our meeting up and coffee mornings.

DD does ask there names and her face lights up when they are all together. One girl she has known since birth so almost like a sister to her. We used to meet up at least once a week and now its hardly at all.
They play nicely together,share toys, and DD interacts well with them.

Wel still have friends with older kids that we play with, but then DD is more on parr with them at 2.5 than her peers the same age.

Maybe its just my pregnant brain thinking too much into things!

OP posts:

coldtits · 16/12/2009 14:06

from your posts, I would guess that you are boasting too much.

gladders · 16/12/2009 14:07

echo what everyone has said. ds was quite chatty and bright but we were never short of visitors/invitations.

you say you 'try' not to boast but maybe you need to try a little harder?

and counting to 14 parrot fashion at 14 months looks impressive but they don't have any concept of what it means at that stage.

jasmeeen · 16/12/2009 14:07

I think the issue might be that you are commenting on your child's development more than you are aware of.

If one of the group has mentioned that she worries her LO isn't doing the same as yours then it is an issue.

My DS1 was always a little behind in most milestones up until the age of about 2.5 and I found it very overbearing and a bit upsetting to be around some of the mums who were constantly comparing and going on about how advanced their kids were. It caused me needless worry about how my DS was doing so I avoided them.

With DS2 I had more experience and confidence as a mother and I realised that as they get older it all evens out anyway and nobody remembers who could count to whatever first, walked first, and so on. However, second time around I also avoided those mums because I found it dull (rather than upsetting).

PetrusPoo · 16/12/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProvincialLady · 16/12/2009 14:08

Yeah sorry about that Coldtits

Only joking

Habbibu · 16/12/2009 14:08

Your dd may seem more on a par with older children as young toddlers tend to gravitate towards "big" girls and boys - the 16/17 month olds play in parallel, rather than together.

dd is 3, and was, iirc, a bit like your dd at 16-18 months - perfectly bright, but nothing outstanding, I think. And they all tend to catch up anyway. I drifted off from my larger group of new baby friends after a while as life just got more "normal" and I started to do other things - perhaps your friends are just doing that?

PetrusPoo · 16/12/2009 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kathyis12feethighandbites · 16/12/2009 14:12

I would be very surprised indeed if the problem was your dd being too bright and making them feel their children are inferior. One person might have issues like that, but if it is a whole group of people it seems more likely that it is because of something you are doing. Sorry to be blunt. I hope you find people for your dd to play with.

CatIsSleepy · 16/12/2009 14:12

am sorry you seem to be losing friends but as you say, perhaps they are just busier these days-things change

will just say though, people are always very sensitive about comparisons where children are concerned.
I mean, you may not think you are boasting and am sure in your eyes you are not but if you are highlighting skills etc that your dd has that their children do not, they will inevitably feel a bit ruffled. It will seem like a sort of criticism of their own child even if not meant that way. It's not exactly rational I'm afraid.

I have a very lovely friend whose dd is slightly older than dd1 and who is much more advanced at reading etc than dd1 and am afraid I get a bit annoyed at times when she's reeling off her achievements with phonics and so on. I know she's not boasting, she's proud, but I inevitably feel inadequate somehow...

MollieO · 16/12/2009 14:14

Do you talk about your dd's latest achievements when you do meet up with your friends? I think it can be rather wearing to have to listen to how fantastic other people's children are particularly if yours are normal.

I thought I had a boasting opportunity yesterday. Ds (5) played the glockenspiel in the school nativity play. I didn't know in advance that he would be doing it. I assumed that his innate musical talent had been recognised by his teacher. When I asked him how he had been chosen he told me that the teacher thought he would be sensible! Hardly a talent

NancyDrewRocks · 16/12/2009 14:14

Agree that you are coming across as a wee bit pushy and PFB. I suspect your friends might be avoiding you because of that. Sorry.

RorysRacingReindeer · 16/12/2009 14:15

it could also be the time of year - it's been miserable, people are getting organised for Xmas etc, and if friends are working then they have little free time to spare.

LilyBolero · 16/12/2009 14:17

It can be difficult to be around parents who consider their children to be 'more advanced'. Ime, this means that comparisons are being made, and not favourable ones.

Wrt counting etc, ds2 would not be considered 'advanced' in any way - he has a speech delay, was v late to walk, has SALT, has had hearing problems.

BUT at the age you are describing he could count. He didn't know any numbers, or even any words, but if I asked him to get plates out for tea he would always get the right number. He would also make sounds, with 1:1 association when 'counting' things. I was sure he was 'counting'.

Once he knew his numbers, I was proved right, as he didn't learn them as a 'parroting' exercise, he learned them having already grasped the concept of amount.

Later on, he had an intelligence assessment as part of a study the local uni was doing, and was assessed as being 98th centile for mathematical intelligence - described as 'highly superior'. And yet this is the child who at toddler groups etc the other parents were asking if I was 'worried about him' because he was so slow to develop....

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