"Talented " toddler loosing friends

[pigleychez]

My DD is 16mths. Not trying to be big headed but she is pretty bright...She can already count to 14!

Her speech is excellent and her levels of understanding are amazing. Yes she is my PFB but im a qualified Childcarer so have had alot of experience with children and thier development.
Being qualified doesnt mean ive been pushing her though, she has picked things up that ive never even mentioned before!

Anyway..the group of friends that we have known since they were tiny have always comment on her development and mums have admitted to me that they worry why there LO arent doing the same. I have noticed lately though that they dont seem to be inviting us out with them anymore and come up with excuses for not visiting us when invited
I try not to boast about her and that but feels like shes missing out on seeing her friends. She always asks after them and I feel very sad for her.

Anyone else experienced this?

People do give a toss - I think that a lot of people will care about you and your DD.

Although I've never met you, I read that post and I can feel the loneliness you feel. Therefore, I care.

I know what you mean about pointing things out to your mum to make her 'notice' your DD - maybe it's because DN is just that little bit ahead of your DD so everything she is a first? Why not tell her how you feel?

I think, from your first post, that you thought your DD's intelligence was amazing, didn't you? Well, to you, it is - she is within normal parameters, though, and this might be why you sounded a bit boastful? Personally, I wouldn't worry about it - it's a first time mother's prerogative to think that their DC is the most brilliant thing since sliced bread!

As for your friends, people generally aren't around as much at the moment - they go to see family and have a million and one things to do - maybe invite one of them over for coffee and a chat next week?

Best thing to do is to notice and remark on the positive traits of other people's children, tbh.

Don't take this the wrong way but those last posts made you seem nice. The sort of person I'd like to be friends with, rather than the slightly superior woman who mad the first post

Maybe your PFBness was a bit much for some people ( I think most people avoid talking about their DC's talents - it makes life so much more straightforward) but onwards and upwards. Invite some of the woman you know round for a pre christmas coffee and try to talk about yourselves rather than the babies.

If they are busy don't panic, Christmas is a funny time of year and lots of people are genuinely busy. Just offer the same again in the NY.

So sorry you're having a hard time Pigley I think social contact does dwindle a bit this time of year - I'm feeling quite isolated too atm although it could just be the pregnancy hormones. Everyone seems to be stupidly busy and I'm not particularly so it can be a bit lonely.

I'm sure other people do care, I love hearing about children I know and how they're doing but it is easy to overdo it. I find myself having to bite my tongue sometimes when I think I'm being a bit braggy. DH and I just brag about her to each other because we figure it's our job to be amazed by everything she does

Sorry about your Mum, that must be really hard to deal with

Have some unmumsnetty hugs anyway

I didn't say no one gives a toss about YOU, just that no one gives a toss about how lovable your child is, when they've got their own that they feel EXACTLY the same about.

Regarding being isolated, get people's email addresses where you can and email them. Most mothers are isolated. Try and meet maybe once a month or two with your group of friends in the evening. Playdates do vanish over time so try and forge relationships based on something other than getting your children to socialise. Make 'events' and invite all your friends to them - some will turn up, sometimes no one will, but you got to get out there!

I think you really need to take initiative as far as socialising is concerned and try to not make it all about socialising with your child, because this rarely lasts in the long term.

Pigley it must be hard if your mum doesn't seem interested. My mum never seemed particularly interested in ds1 (he was her 4th grandson and she had two sons so the novelty of boy babies had worn off by then) and I always wanted to scream 'But don't you SEE? He's gorgeous and sweet-natured and probably a genius too (no actual evidence but I was convinced of it ). MIL was distinctly more impressed and it was great to have her as a partner-in-crime for unjustified secret boasting sessions.

Nancy has just written exactly what I was thinking. Listen to her and MP - they speak sense.

You've taken all the comments on this thread very well .

I think MP and Pagwatch are right. My DS2 is nearly 2 and says very very little. Bright enough in other ways but just not verbal.

Now I worry about this and to be honest I would probably avoid someone who I thought was boasting about their own child as it would cause me to worry more than I already do about ds2. So the fault would also be on my side but would be about my own self-protection.

Our own children are fascinating to us as parents but I'm afraid other people's children just generally aren't that interesting

I do think its also a cultural thing - the british are very self-deprecating about most things aren't they?

You sound a lot like one of my very close friends. She's fab, and I love her to bits, but after our daughters were born, she did insist that hers was far in advance of mine - taller, bigger, brighter, more wonderful and so on. Sadly, she moved house when the children were a year or so old, but this turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as I got really fed up of the comparisons. She socialises now with women whose children are slightly older, and says that this is better as her DD is much more on their level than on my DT's which I find quite upsetting. However, she and I still get on brilliantly - without the children. I really enjoy her company, but find spending time with her and our DDs quite stressful, so I avoid it. However, she and I make a point of meeting up socially whenever we can, without them. Could you suggest going for a no-kids drink one evening over Christmas or in the New Year? Then you could reassure youself that your friends still want to spend time with you?

all my three have been way ahead of their peers in language and 'intellectual' ability at that age.

ds2 is only 10 months and way ahead of the babies born around the same time, dd and ds1 were way ahead until around 3/4 when they levaled off.

dd is actually way behind now they're at school, she's 4 and is probably the furthest behind in her class on reading and writing... good at maths though.

ds1 is still ahead but again, it's levaling off.

I've never, ever found people to react oddly because of it. Jokingly envious maybe but never anything more.

I agree with the others, it's a very strong possibilty that something else is going on here... the mere fact that you automatically blame you dd's brilliance makes me wonder how much you do go on about it without realising.

next time you meet a frineds and their child make a point of saying something lovely about their child. if they comment on something your dd is doing downplay it by saying something like 'yeah, it's a great party trick... now if she'd just sleep at night/eat her dinner/stop tantrumming i'd be really impressed!'

keep in mind as babies get older they become less portable and take up more of your time, maybe your friends are just too busy/frazzled to eet up atm?

sorry, a snotty ds2 helping me type doesn't help my spelling much!

Hello

OP, there have been some great replies here and I hope the infomation helps you. You sound lovely sorry about your mum. Its not fair is it...

Reading this thread has struck a bit of chord with me...

In my group of friends my DD is the youngest and has generally been the last to do things from the start so when my DD was the first of the group to get teeth, I was thrilled and told everyone with excitment (most of my group do it too though)and I realise now how awful that sounds... I wasnt boasting, just pleased and proud.

I will also take onboard advice on this thread.

GOod luck OP!

People usually comment on how good DDs speech is for her age but I think I am immune from boasting about it because I know only too well how it feels from the other side as she was last to crawl/walk/eat and sleep through (18 months).
I really did feel beaten down by other people making comparisons and giving helpful advice on how to get her to achieve the said milestones and it did cause me to withdraw from some groups. It has left me with a strong view that most of it is nature not nurture.
If anyone points out her speech I am secretly proud but always try to balance it up by saying that she is for instance not so good physically at climbing or jumping as other children. I try to emphasise that I don't think its anything to do with my amazing parenting either as I think this impression even if not intended is what causes upset.
That said I doubt any of it has much to do with you seeing less of your friends. You mention that you are pregnant again whilst some of them are back to work. Life paths just diverge sometimes but it probably doesn't mean they don't like you.

Just to add generally I would agree all these things level out and are pretty insignificant by the time a child starts school.

DD started walking at 9 1/2 months but is certainly no athlete now she is at school!

DS1 had great speech as an 18mth old and whilst his vocab is good we have just been told by school that he may need to see a speach therapist.

sorry but psml at "talented toddler" in your title.

At a guess, I would imagine that your friends are rather fed up with hearing you wittering on about how wonderful your child is, how advanced, etc... Nothing more wearing than people trying to enlist one in the worship of their pfb. Try taking an interest in what their children are doing, and be NORMAL with yours. Don't show her off like a performing monkey. Encourage her social skills- the rest can wait.

Sorry. Learning curve. Been there, got the t-shirt. All three of my older children (fourth a bit difficult to tell yet) pretty bright which has mostly benefited them, but hopefully also socially fairly grounded.

I think you need to learn to see the huge areas that lie between the extremes: it is not the case that people are either not giving a toss about your dd at all or they have to be interested in hearing how talented she is all the time.

You can have perfectly good friends, who do learn to care about you and your dd, but who still care more about their own dcs. If you think about it, this is probably what you yourself are prepared to give your friends. You don't see their dcs first, you see your own dd. Doesn't mean you're a bad friend.

Just accept that this is a busy time of year, give it another try after New Year. And when you do, keep reminding yourself that they feel the same about their dcs as you do about yours. There are doubtless ways in which their dcs are cleverer or more beautiful or more wonderful than yours- let it be a give and take.

This sounds like a tricky situation, but I'm sure your friends aren't intentionally leaving you and your DD out.

Parenthood can be a disturbingly competitive thing sometimes and if your child is so obviously way ahead of usual development (I mean that positively btw), then they are bound to stand out. Your DD is far and above the usual 'so and so is walking early' conversations and is obviously unusually bright.

If was were you, I'd continue to work to maintain contact with these friends. Invite them round to yours etc. You may find that in the short term you have to put in a little extra effort. Some people do find talented individuals a bit threatening, but it will even out in time (although your DD may always be ahead of the pack in general).

Take heart and don't take it personally.

And 'wow' to your DD counting to 14 at 16 months, that's fantastic!

my friends DD is two months older than my DS and is extremely bright and outgoing while DS is quiet, shy and slightly slow with his speech (although I have no concerns). It has had no effect on our friendship and the kids get on great despite beings so different.

My neighbour had a DD 3 days older than mine. The early development differences were remarkable. Her DD talked and walked very early and mine was slightly later than average. Lots of people commented about how advanced her DD was including myself. Didn't matter one jot to me or spoil what turned into a good friendship when they were little until she moved away.

By the time they started school they were both at the same stage.

The talented toddler isn't the one losing the friends.
It is possible to be immensely proud of your children without having to tell anyone about it, but it takes self control.

Hello op

great advice on here

Lots of babies do things at different times and ime a lot depends on what the mum and dad encourage

I have been in a similar situation with one of my close friends and it cost me my friendship with her

i really liked her and got on great with her but found her constant 'plugging' of her sons abilities and knowing glances at me when he did something clever - got me down - she was really proud of him and he was lovely but she was just comparing all the time

i used to laugh it off but found her to be too competitive and in the end i all but stopped seeing her. Toddlers develop at alarmingly different rates and i have two older children both of whom are very academic etc but very slow at milestones as todddlers. probably the slowest amongst all their peers but now top of their class at secondary level

I am not saying that your dd is not quick and bright - i am sure she is but coming from the other standpoint i am just saying what my experience is

i am sure you are not as bad as my firend. She potty trained her son the week after my dd was dry and used to say things like ' you dd is great at colours but not like ds at counting' the thing was - i did not care. childhood is very short and having older children has made me want to slow it all down - not rush to meet inevitable milestones

i hope you sort it all soon and have a lovely christmas

Good advice on here - and making me feel pretty uncomfortable as I recognise myself and my pride/PFB boastfulness when it comes to DD1 (who of course I think is "very advanced").

So don't feel bad - it's a common way to feel and behave.

I am trying to tone it down now I have DD2 and a bit more perspective but I know I am still guilty of it.

Sorry you are feeling lonely and sounds like your mum is being rubbish. My advice would be tell her how you feel then start the New Year with some new activities with new people and a resolution to keep zipped about your DDs abilities. (After reading this thread that will be my NY resolution too!)

OP don't feel bad - the fact is that toddler/baby groups are in the main pretty awful and you have nothing in common with the people there other than children of much the same age. Therefore, unfortunately these comparisons tend to very often form the basis of the deadly boring conversation.

If you are lonely in the area unfortunately you have probably just fallen into the trap of trying to be friendly and making conversation about the LOs.

I also think it does annoy some of the competitive mummies if your baby is advanced in some ways. This is whether you boast or not, because if your child is say walking at 9 months then they can see that!!!

Can you try to find some friends outside toddler groups, for example by taking up salsa dancing or something?

OP-your 16 month old can draw people????? Like on paper? That's crazy. How did she learn to do that?