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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

"Talented " toddler loosing friends

76 replies

pigleychez · 16/12/2009 13:44

My DD is 16mths. Not trying to be big headed but she is pretty bright...She can already count to 14!

Her speech is excellent and her levels of understanding are amazing. Yes she is my PFB but im a qualified Childcarer so have had alot of experience with children and thier development.
Being qualified doesnt mean ive been pushing her though, she has picked things up that ive never even mentioned before!

Anyway..the group of friends that we have known since they were tiny have always comment on her development and mums have admitted to me that they worry why there LO arent doing the same. I have noticed lately though that they dont seem to be inviting us out with them anymore and come up with excuses for not visiting us when invited
I try not to boast about her and that but feels like shes missing out on seeing her friends. She always asks after them and I feel very sad for her.

Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

Acanthus · 16/12/2009 14:17

Sensible is good, though, Mollie

OP - agree with others, if people are fed up (not just busy) it is with your attitude, not your LO. Let's be honest - there's a limit to what a 16 mo can do, even if they are ahead of their peers.

morningpaper · 16/12/2009 14:17

I agree with Cathy

If you have a bright child then IME it's best to downplay it as much as possible and just smile and sympathise when other people talk about their children. Never start a sentence with "Oh my said the other day..." etc. particularly when people are worried about things like their own children being dribbling blobs of idiocy.

We know you love your child and think she is fab but frankly, except for her therapist and possibly your husband, no one else gives a toss.

Just Never Mention Your Good Child. No one wants to hear about well behaved and witty toddlers. They want to know that everyone else is having a shitty time and spends half the day wanting to lock their children in a shed. Anything else will just make them feel depressed and inadequate.

morningpaper · 16/12/2009 14:18

I mean Kathyis12incheshigh not Cathy

coldtits · 16/12/2009 14:18

no tpl it wasn't you!

CatIsSleepy · 16/12/2009 14:20

'No one wants to hear about well behaved and witty toddlers. They want to know that everyone else is having a shitty time and spends half the day wanting to lock their children in a shed. Anything else will just make them feel depressed and inadequate.'
Amen to that morningpaper
it's the sad reality of (most) parenting!

TheProvincialLady · 16/12/2009 14:21

Ah thank goodness. See you on Monday with my unnaturally bright, beautiful grumpy and scruffy children.

LilRedWG · 16/12/2009 14:22

MP is so right. I have a friend with an extremely advanced little boy just a week older than DD. When I found out some of the things he could do I was so proud of him and demanded to know why she hadn't told me. She simply said, "Well, they are all different aren't they and I really don't want anyone to think I am comparing them or boasting." She now knows that I want to know of his latest feat, but I still have to drag it out of her.

LilRedWG · 16/12/2009 14:23

We now console each other over wine about the hard realities of being parents to pre-schoolers. The fact that he can read etc has done nothing to help her with his tantrums.

TheGoatofChristmasPast · 16/12/2009 14:23

a sad attitude that we can't be pleased about other peoples kids. i am impressed that a 16 month old can even say fourteen never mind count that far.

Original poster

pigleychez · 16/12/2009 14:24

Ok, Maybe my DD isnt as Clever as I thought.

Maybe I am boasting too much, I am proud of my DD and maybe this comes across too much or in the wrong way.

Oh well ive learnt my lesson for DB2 thats due in May. Suppose it is me that misses the mummy friends more as we live miles away from our parents and with number 2 worry about becoming hermits indoors.

Why is parenting so hard!... You try and do your best for your children but its never right is it.

OP posts:

KarinG · 16/12/2009 14:26

It could just be your pregnancy brain making you feel paranoid!
Speaking as someone who works part time, my 'mum' friends who i used to meet up with weekly with, now only meet up maybe once a month as things just always seem to come up. The chances are this has nothing to do with how bright your child is or isnt. By 16 months i would have thought that your group of friends would have become a bit more solid i.e. the early weeks of being friends with anyone just because they have a baby have gone and you are now friends with people who you actually have something more than babies in common with.
Could it be that any invites you send out dont give enough notice? At this time of year, people always tend to be busy so why not try to organise a play date in the new year. And do you know that they are meeting up without you, or do you just think that they are? Perhaps they haven't seen each other either. Or, perhaps they think you are working on the days that they meet up so dont invite you?
Lots of potential reasons really. The only way you can really know is by asking them. You could email / text / ring and just ask when everyone is next meeting up as "it is ages since you've last seen them and would love to catch up", or invite them all over for a play date in Jan. if you dont get any replies then perhaps a direct question would do the trick - what have you got to lose? Maybe one of the group is easier to approach than the others and more likely to give you an honest answer.
a rather long reply - but i hope it helps!

coldtits · 16/12/2009 14:27

And, TPL, I will be there with my witty and energetic ball of temper 3 year old.

gladders · 16/12/2009 15:07

pigley - you need to relax about this.

your dd may well be bright - but some of the indicators you give are not very meaningful at her age.

drawing attention to her counting/speaking really won't win you any friends.

learn to accept compliments graciously and to compliment other people's kid in return - there will always be stuff they are doing better than your one - she can't really be best at everything??

keep on inviting them round/join new playgroups/ go to new music clubs whatever - the social network is very important for all of you at this stage...

pagwatch · 16/12/2009 15:13

pigley

when I posted earlier that you should consider other things I meant it.

I wasn't trying to say code for 'stop showing off'

I mean there may be sometthing else going on. Perhaps people are just busy. Perhaps some of the mums you know are having a hrd time. Perhaps they don't like your biscuits and

But Karin G is right. Push for a meet up with one you are closest to and make gentle enquiries.

FWIW I had to steer clear of a friend for a while because whenever we ate together she turned into a weird dictator shouting at the children about plaese and thank you. Lovely person but kept freaking me out. I just re grouped and now we meet in food neutral enviroments

It could be anything

muddleduck · 16/12/2009 15:15

It took me ages to work out that the parents I know fall into two camps.

Some are genuinely interested in my kids and are pleased and excited to hear what they can do.

Others interpret everything in terms of their own kids. I say "ds1 can do x". They hear "your lo can't do x and they should be by now".

BTW I've been accused (behind my back) of making up things to make other parents feel bad . Was a real wake up call about how careful I need to be to not alienate people.

Hulababy · 16/12/2009 15:16

At 16m my own DD was verbally far ahead than most of her peers, both within nursery and outide of nursery. This did not cause her or us any probelsm whaatsoeevr though. Certainly never affected our friendships, and if anything for DD it gave her more opportunities as she was able o communicate with lder children too - who loved to mth her, esp at nursery.

I would avoid actually commenting ont he things your DD is able to do, and find other topics of conversations to focus on with your friends. And if they speak to you or mention concerns just answer that they all develop different things at different rates and will all generally catch up within a year of school anyway.

The language thing wll almost definitely even out anyway, as the others pick up language skills.

muddleduck · 16/12/2009 15:16

And despite all the posts to the contrary I wouldn't rule out the possibility that your OP is correct. It is rare, but IME there are a few people out there who can't cope with any evidence that their PFB isn't the smartest kid on the block.

pagwatch · 16/12/2009 15:22

and there are people too (like me with DS2) who are becoming dimly aware that their child has SN and being in the company of another parents thinly veiled joy at having a smart one is too much to bear for a while.

The line between pleased and smug is truly hard to tip toe.
I know both angles. One bright spark , one severe SN.

I have found it is much better for everyone ( our children included) if we reserve pride and compliments for the things that are taught rather than inherited. So I always priase kindness, generosity, friendliness.

Smart tends to choose you - not the other way around

MollieO · 16/12/2009 15:32

pagwatch you're not one of my friends are you?

muddleduck · 16/12/2009 15:33

agree with (nearly) everything you say pagwatch.

for me part of the problem was spending lots of time with toddler-group people that I didn't really know very well and so not really knowing the full context iykwim. I now have a group of close friends who I know whether I can share my super-smugness when the ds do something amazing.

btw friendliness isn't IMO entirely taught - ds1 really struggles with social situations. Everyone loves ds2 instantly because he is so socially engaging. It is really noticeable how much more he got out of nursery because all the staff adored him and gave him loads of time and attention.

morningpaper · 16/12/2009 15:41

Original poster

pigleychez · 16/12/2009 16:20

Thank you all for your honesty. I think im finding everything getting on top of me at the moment and prob reading far too much into this.

Just soo worried about feeling isolated. Our social outings seems to have dwindled so much at the mo. Doesnt help that DD's swimming lessons finished a few weeks ago till after xmas so thats another thing less we do at the moment.
The friends I had made at toodler group dont seem to be coming anymore and the others all seem to be in little groups. I dont find making friends very easy.
DH will be moving offices to London soon so means working longer hours and not seeing as much of him. My mum shows no interest in DD at all. She clearly has a favourite in my DN who is 8 weeks older than DD. I guess maybe I have been abit boasty about DD out of habit. I find myself making a point of things to my mum in the vain hope of getting her more interested. ie even asking after her!

So I guess Morning paper is right.. No one give a toss apart from me and DH.

OP posts:

muddleduck · 16/12/2009 16:24

oh dear.
sorry to hear you're feeling a bit alone.

Being cynical, I've found that the best way to start conversations with other mums is to start talking about their children

CatIsSleepy · 16/12/2009 16:28

why don't you do what Karin and pagwatch suggested and contact your friends, invite them over
or as pag said 'Push for a meet up with one you are closest to and make gentle enquiries.'

it's horrible feeling isolated
have felt lonely on and off during my maternity leave but sometimes it's down to you to make the effort
don't give up on toddler groups-new people may come along that you get along with
don't lose heart!

CatIsSleepy · 16/12/2009 16:28

and I'm sorry about your mum, that must be upsetting for you

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