Dd is hated at school, no friends, and just having a miserable time. Even dh seems to dislike her these days, and she does have some annoying habits. What on earth do I do?

[Feelsosorryfordd]

God, this is a brutally honest one, no punches pulled.

Dd1 has always been slightly 'different'. She has always played by herself in complex imaginary worlds. She has always been touchy, awkward and a bit gauche. She does do odd, sometimes irritating things like make weird screaming noises, and keep repeating the same thing over and over. She just doesn't 'connect' with people.

However, now she has got to 6yo and Year 1, it is starting to get really problematic. My heart breaks for her when she comes home from school every night with another story about being bullied and hated.

She says all the children tell her to 'Get Lost'. She developed a friendship with a new girl who started at the school this year, but within weeks, this girl was telling her she hated her.

What the hell do I do? Even at home, her strange behaviour is starting to get on our nerves. The strange obsessiveness about toys, the refusal or inability to see anyone else's point of view, the strange squeaking noises.

Is a child psychiatrist going to be able to help or shall I just leave her be, with love and support, to develop her own personality, albeit a fairly anti-social one???

Your poor dd but I think you already know that she likely has Aspergers - in which case you really must have her formally assessed. Her issues will not go away with age but they may be mitigated with professional input.

GPs are often not that clued up about ASDs so you may have to push hard for a referral - either to a developmental paed. or an Ed. Psych. It's a shame your dh is not being more supportive but I think this is because he has no clear answers to your dd's issues and her behaviour is puzzling and frustrating him.

Please seek help asap and good luck.

wukters, exactly my sentiments. If life is hard, home must be a haven. Imagine confiscating all her toys? He gets angry at her toys??? He just can't see it.

SKSS - sounds very similar. I work really hard to do activities like baking together, art stuff, so that they kids don't need to be left 'alone'. I was hoping therefore that she would feel more comfortable in 'sideways communication' rather than direct.

The kids at school are all very middle class, and I find the parents very judgy and quite bitchy. I wonder actually whether they are very exacting in their 'social standards'. She seemed to get on better when there was a mix of backgrounds, and in fact had some very lovely understanding friends from more down to earth backgrounds.

You say it doesn't feel appropriate to discipline her for her behaviour, and I think that's your intuition coming through. Seems like it's time to gird yourself for the fight and get her seen by an educational psychologist.
Good luck, and you know you'll get fantastic support on here from people who have had similar experiences.

God, am just so so glad I came on here and got all of your advice. I can't believe that I have been sucked in by dh's irritation. He gets constantly annoyed at her. He finds her intensely annoying and seems to have no compassion.

It's like he is ashamed of her, and cross with her for not being perfect.

I think she has got Aspergers. And Dyspraxia. It is so bleeding obvious. She can't hop or skip now even at 6yo. She doesn't get people at all - doesn't have any ability to pick up on signals.

She is lovely in her own way, very obedient within the constraints of her odd-ness.

She was very different right from birth. I asked for a career break to get her assessed, but was refused. I might try for parental leave. Who knows, I might need to do something more radical? I can't sit by and watch her being so sad.

Thank you all again so much.

FWIW I was told by my GP (who is also a paediatric registrar at our local hospital) that he could not refer to an Ed Psych only a Child Psych and that has to be through the community paed. I assume it may be different for different PCTs. We are in the Home Counties but at independent school and the LEA have refused to get involved (teacher has concerns about ds's processing ability).

This thread has really struck a chord with me. I am writing as someone who did not fit in at school for rather different reasons to your DD rather than as someone who has direct experience with my own children (who are younger than your DD)

Something you and DH can do for her immediately would be to ensure that home is a haven for her. Allow her to make her funny noises, choose her toys/games and wind down however she likes (within your house rules about TV watching, meals, bedtime etc of course)

I would try really hard not to bring the school problems home. If play dates are tense at the moment, don't bother with them. It sounds like she has enough to cope with socially at school. Instead, let her engage with you and DH about her imaginary world and look for things you can do together. Maybe she would enjoy role play type board games, card games or complicated jigsaws you can do together... she will feel much less lonely if she knows that you and DH are looking forward to spending time and interacting with her when she gets home from school.

Of course you need to get to the root of her problems, but please don't lose sight of the person she is now

God almighty, burning her toys? Is he serious?

Well, he's obviously feeling upset and frustrated. What does he think/feel about the possibility of a diagnosis? like others, i think you need to push for an assessment - at least, you might get some advice for you/school on how to help your dd.

Are there any children that your dd does relax with, e.g. cousins, children she meets elsewhere? what goes right in those scenarios?

feelssorry, is your dh seeing perhaps parts of himself that he dislikes (and was perhaps teased for) in your daughter, and hates the thought of her suffering the way he did?

I think we will end up going private.

Not that we have money to burn, but I just seem to spend my time in an eternal loop between school and GP. The school could not be less interested.

I just can't be bothered to spend the rest of our lives in a constant battle to get things resolved or even noticed.

I will first make an appointment with the GP and with the school teacher asap. I did speak with the head once, but again he was very reluctant to go down the SN route.

In the meantime I have ordered the books on amazon. i will also coach dh in being more sympathetic and to realise that she is just being herself.

Maybe I need to make sure we get more one-to-one time with her, so that he isn't so stressed when both children are around.

Don't take no for an answer and don't be fobbed off - be insistent until you get the referrals you need (waiting lists are usually very long so the sooner you get in the system, the better).

In the meantime, if I were you, I'd have a chat with your dh about the possible reasons for your dd's issues, tentatively mention Asperger's and dyspraxia? He may need time to adjust to this information but it could stop him being so cross with her.

Your poor lovely dd. Hope you can make your husband see sense.

GP is good first port of call and can certainly refer to paeds or psych for assessment. I am so sorry school are being rubbish.

Good luck

choosyfloozy, she does have both cousins and family friends that we see often, and actually they seem to provide a lot of social reassurance for her. The disliking thing is much less evident, maybe because parents are there to mediate a bit more closely when disputes arise.

She does behave oddly around them as well, and in all honesty doesn't really get on with them either. However, one of them is very, very robust and tends to if anything completely dominate other children. So in a a way, that works because dd tends to go unnoticed! They like each other!

A cousin she gets on with enjoys complex imaginary games as well, so they have these imaginary scenarios together. They do frequently fall out due to the oddness, but it works half the time.

I think unfortunately for dd, she has got the most awkward side of both me and dh. He has got the OCD/fussy side, and the side that enjoys playing complicated games by himself. I did have the slightly gauche and socially awkward and shy side, which I have sort of grown out of. Poor thing!

MM&J, He knows I think she might have either aspergers or dsypraxia, but I think all he can see is our failure to parent properly.

It's as if it is all in our or her control.

I think there is an element of shame, as in 'no daughter of mine', which I simply don't have. I just despair at her unhappiness.

I would post on the SEN section as you will find people who can give you first hand advice on what you need to do to ensure that you get the referrals that you need.

Going to bed. Just wanted to sign off by saying that I will re-read this thread and look again at every piece of advice. Some fantastic ideas.

And hope, I can start to support dd, and continue to love her just the way she is, and help her. Rather than condemn her.

Have ordered a few of the books on amazon and have new determination to get a diagnosis.

Finally a direction to take with it all.

x

Sounds like a Different Drummer. Definition:-

Does your child:-

often act silly or obnoxious around other kids?
tend to barge in, disrupting classmates games or conversations?
talk non-stop?
frequently irritate other children?
sometimes scare away potential friends by coming on too strong?
feel jealous when a friend has another friend?
tend to be oblivious to other people's reactions?

DO YOU:-

wonder why your child always seems like an outsider in a group?
wish your child would act his age?
fear that your child's irritating habits might drive other children away?
find yourself frequently saying "Don't do that! It's annoying"?
feel exasperated because your child is so clueless about how his behaviour affects others?
feel sad because your child is a nice child who really wants friends but keeps getting rebuffed?

The above is typed directly from the book The Unwritten Rules of Friendship

Buy the book. It outlines 9 different 'types' of children - explains their traits and then gives you stratergies to help them.

Also, buy How To Be A Friend. Read it with him. Look at the very first pages and the very last, as well as the stuff in between. The first and last pages are quotes from children, saying what the like and don't like about friend's behaviour.

My DS was in the same boat, aged 6 (2 years ago).

Doodlez, yes. Absolutely. I could have written that one myself.

I have just bought it on amazon. Might learn a few tips myself!!!

How did your ds get on?

He's muddling through!

He changed school in September (long story, not connected with this) and he was doing really well - flying under the radar. Just recently however, he's started to want to be noticed but he's doing silly things to get himself noticed. We've talked this through with his new teacher who's on the look-out for it and we've discussed it with DS at home and make a point of pointing out to him when he's being 'irritating', so he can learn.

He's finally developed some steadfast friendships out of school (mostly at Cubs), so that dilutes the situation quite a bit.

We'll get there Feelso! So long as we stay on their side!

Sorry, I have come to this a bit late - you sound so worried about your DD. I know where you are coming from as I have a DS with AS/dsypraxia and I have been where you are.

I just wanted to say that an ed psych can't diagnose AS or dyspraxia so, whilst you should be pushing the school to get support (and they really should be helping out even without a dx), I wouldn't bother putting your efforts into getting a referral from them to the ed psych.

We have the same system here that MollieO has - referral from GP to paed and then the paed refers on to whoever they think is appropriate - for us that was the clinical psych, the OT, SALT etc. They all get together at the end of make the dx. It will probably be a horribly long winded process though.

For what it is worth I think your DH may be struggling (and unkind because of it) but I suspect he will find things easier to cope with if you have a dx. In the meantime, you might have to go it alone for a bit but if you can try and get him to go to any appointments with you so he can hear from the experts that your DD can't help how she is behaving.

Good luck.

FeelSo, I have nothing informed to add to the thread, but am sitting here at my kitchen table very misty and "welled up" reading your story.

Your DD is lucky to have your love and concern and I hope as a family you reach some conclusions and resolutions that are right for DD.

Very best of luck.

Jollster, I came on the thread to re-read everyone's helpful advice and saw your post. It is a really emotional process, starting to understand that your child is really different. I feel so guilty for times where we have misunderstood her.

As a post script about dh, I have made him sound like a monster, but actually he is really caring and supportive. We don't know what to do cfor the best, and we both are constantly mind-blown by the way she behaves.

Having said all of that, as soon as I spoke to him this morning and mentioned (carefully edited) comments and advice from here, he completely agreed straight away that discipline is inappropriate.

I think he just perceived that we should have done more at an early age to socialise her, and that it is our failure, which he needs to take action to put right. It is not something we could have done differently by more stringent discipline, which I instinctively know.

I am going to make this a catalyst to get things done. I have been too tentative. I realise now that it is in no-one else's vested interest to do anything about it. At the end of the day they have lots of others to worry about. Because dd is mostly incredibly obedient, she is an easy one to forget.

Thank goodness she does seem fairly oblivious at the moment, so any damage to her self esteem is limited.

Good luck Feelso, it's obvious your DD is so well loved. You will get the ball rolling now and things will improve for her.

As Neice has said, an educational psychologist will not be able to give your daughter a formal diagnosis. If you want a label then you will need to go down the medical route. Contact your GP, explain your concerns and ask for a referal. Under the circumstances, a label may be useful - not only will it help others to understand your dd's behaviour, it may also open up additional support for your dd at school (e.g. the school may be able to access services / specialist teachers of kids on the autistic spectrum).

I would also go back to the school's special needs co-ordinator (SENCO) and ask for a referal to the school's educatonal psychologist. The ed psych should then be able to work with the school to identify ways of making life in school better for your dd.

I would not necessarily recommend seeing a private ed psych at this point. If the school don't see there is a problem, they are unlikely to see a need to implement any of the strategies the private ed psych suggests. IMO, schools are much more likely to take on board suggestions from the LEA ed psych than a private one, largely because schools are much involved in the LEA's process. The LEA ed psych normally sees the child in school, gets the teachers' views and explicity talks with the teachers about what strategies can be implemented. Private ed psychs usually see the child outside of school, often don't seek out the teachers' views and write a report which they then don't discuss with the teachers.

I would also thoroughly recommend a book called "Asperger's symdrome. A guide for parents and professionals" by Tony Attwood. This is packed with really excellent advice about how support kids with the kinds of difficulties you describe your dd as having.

A private ed psych can see a child at school if the school agree to let them in. They wouldn't like it but would find it hard to argue.

One of my children is dyspraxic but we didn't go for a diagnosis as their problems are mild. I wish now that we had. The proper approach is to ask your gp to refer you to an occupational therapist as ed psych's don't diagnose.

I also wish that we had involved an educational psychologist sooner. There are things parents can do to help but you probably need support to find them.

To help your daughter with the physical issues make sure clothing is easy to get on and off. Trampolining can help improve co-ordination and she may enjoy it. Scooters help to improve balance and so do some Nintendo Wii games (wii fit is actually quite good). Oddly computer games can help to connect to other children. Piano lessons are also recommended if you can find a sympathetic teacher.

Have a look at this website, it may help www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/services/ad_living.php

A lot of good advice on this thread. I would be asking for an appointment with the SENCO, I feel strongly that at this age the social aspect of school is really really important - you can always work on things like handwriting at a later date or they can use a keyboard, but social interaction is a vital skill that some children do need help with and the school have a responsibility to help with this if she is struggling. I found the book recommended very helpful with my DD. She is now nearly 11 and has dyspraxia. She struggled a lot with the social side of things but has now improved, she's definitely had to learn a lot of rules of social interaction, they didn't come naturally.

I'd also go to the GP armed with a list of things that you have noticed with her since birth and how it affects your family. Your DH needs to realise none of this is your fault, it is around this time that if there is an issue things do become more obvious as their peers start to mature and differences are highlighted. As others have said, home does need to be her chill out space but that is hard when you are chronically stressed by her behaviour. You both need support and to be able to have outside interests, plus spend time at a couple if at all possible. Do you have family who can help out at all ?

Our area works the same as others on this thread. GP or school to community paed (ours was rubbish but did refer on so we got help) to CDC.

Does she do any activities out of school at all ? Sometimes if school is hard then to have something away from it with different friends that you aren't with day in day out can be helpful.