Fed up!! DS (3.5) so naughty, I can't go near him or I'll smack him!

[WaitingForVino]

When DS was younger I could put him in his cot or on his naughty spot if he was acting up/screaming in order to give myself a break ... But now that DS is older and talking I find he can anger me more. If I discipline him and tell him why he's naughty he'll say 'sorry' and be all sweet and cuddly then turn around and 5 minutes later he's doing the very thing I told him off for earlier...when I tell him off like this repeadedly , he gets progressively more rude - it's like I have lost all authority!!
He's sitting on his naughty spot right now (for hitting and tackling his little DS), and am at a loss what to do. I can't shout any more, don't want to hit him though I feel like it, am in need of help! (DH out for the afternoon!)
thx

can you gove him a visual consequence for his actions, e.g give him a warning and then if he does it again, remove a toy (one he likes playing with) for a day or two, or he doesn't get to watch a certain program, or a dvd or get to go on a trip somewhere? He needs to learn his actions have consequences

Three year olds are maddening!!! Not much advice really but much sympathy.

gove hmmm no meant give

Thanks for the replies. Did take toys away etc and it just makes him angrier - naughtier. It's making me wonder if smacking is really so bad. I tell myself, it only teaches viloence...but then the restrained ways of disciplining haven't taught restraint, so the logic of avoiding a spanking is failing me! I just can't get through to him - sigh. Parenting is just an impossible job if your child isn't textbook perfect...

how long do you remove the toy for?

can you ignore the behaviour, i mean remove him away from your other ds, but ignore the bad and praise the good, 'mummy doesn't want to play with you/talk to you when you act like this/talk like this/hurt other ds' then ignore him removing him from any hurting situations, until he speaks to you/apololgise and behaves??

I just this second had this moment with ds2, pouring sand into the tumble drier vent

Then after a telling off he went and sat in the garden and I heard a sob of "I'm a little boyyyyyy!" and my heart broke. He is only a little boy, he's still only learning and I expect too much sometimes.

That's just it: I'm heartbroken. I am a major parent failure. My boy is sobbing, totally uncomprehending what is wrong. I am sitting in the next room sobbing while my little girl watches tv. This is not how it's supposed to be. A boy if 3.5, big enough to be mean, too small to understand that he can't smother his little sister. Recipe for disaster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-(

I REALLY sympathise with you. I am in exactly the same position with DD (3) and the only thing that seems to be working (occasionally!) is making sure that we don't back down from any punishment. I think we have maybe been a bit inconsistent. However, I am HOPING it is only a phase (please say it is!). We are at a bit of a loss and feeling defeated after a weekend of tantrums and naughtiness.
Re. smacking, we do occasionally smack DD (mostly DH who does), and I can honestly say it makes no difference to DD's behaviour. We only smack gently, and this just seems to make DD more obstinate (you can tell that she is thinking 'that didn't even hurt!').
TBH I find that any punishment that is used repeatedly (naughty-step, smacking etc) seems to become ineffective after a while. I am currently reserving the naughty-step just for VERY bad behaviour (e.g. hitting DS on purpose).

I have 2 dds, 3.5 and 2.

What's worked well for us is to follow the principles in Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" - I cannot recommend it too much!

Basically if you would like your DS to turn into a caring and empathetic person, you need to teach him about other people's feelings. He's not born with knowing how to be caring and empathetic.

No threats / punishments / rewards. They will teach him to become egoistic and selfcentered. E.g. I shouldn't smack my little brother, because then something bad will happen to ME (naughty step etc). And I should be nice to my little brother, because then something nice will happen to ME (sticker, praise).

When he smacks his little brother he should be told NO and then explain to him that ho should not do this because he hurts his little brother and makes him cry. Then show him in detail how to interact with little ds properly.

Likewise if he shares a toy etc, don't praise him for being such a good boy but point out how happy he made the other child etc.

Hope it made sense and I didn't come forward as smug or anything .

Hope it gets better for you soon!

Colditz .

Nothing to add except please don't smack. Take a little time to count to ten and have a few deep breaths instead. It's a really crazy-making and frustrating age, but it seems your DD wasn't seriously injured by the smothering attempt. I like the conscience-developing idea, pointing out the effect the DS is having on others. Parenting is like water dripping on rocks -- the constant effort over the years will produce results, but sometimes it doesn't look like you are achieving much...

Yes the theory of teaching feelings is great and we do work on that when moods are normal. In mid- meltdown it's useless though. Eventually of course it will pass, it's a phase, etc etc....the issue I had was more to do with surviving the moment. In the end I drank far too much wine while he blustered and raged his way through an afternoon's testosterone surge - that's the only way I can explain what happened to him. It made my little boy behave so badly, it was shocking. A toddler tantrum but big-boy style, aggressive and ugly. Yuck!