Anyone else have an 8 yr old son playing up?

[Conundrumish]

I am sick of the sound of my nagging voice. Every single task request has to be repeated about 6-8 times and only when I reach near shouting pitch do I get results. I have tried asking nicely, I have tried everything I can think of and am really concerned that it doesn't affect our relationship.

Does anyone have any experience of this/tips?

Thanks

I have a 7 yr old son who is playing up. Lots of bad attitude and not doing as he is told basically. He seems much worse since starting Yr 3 so I am wondering whether the move to juniors is to blame.

No tips yet but I think we (me and DH) need to give DS more consequences for bad behaviour. We have a sticker chart linked to pocket money but I think maybe he has outgrown this. What consequences does your DS have for not doing as he is asked?

What sort of things are you asking them to do that they're not?

Kam - we have made threats about stopping pocket money, but he always manages to achieve 10 seconds away from his deadline. This is for things like getting ready for school etc. I just waste so much energy nagging him along the way and I am not convinced that he would actually end up dressed if I didn't nag him. I've also been reading lots of stuff about unconditional parenting and I'm not sure that I want all his behaviour to be based upon threats and rewards. I guess my dithering about quite how I see this is something he is picking up on as he is very perceptive about things like that.

Slowreading - it is things like getting ready to go out (which is usually for something he wants to do), getting dressed, washing hands to come to the table. Really basic stuff. I am trying to give him a bit more control over his life now he is 8, but we are always in such a hurry that I find this hard.

"we are always in such a hurry"....I wonder if that's a key here. Is there any way at all you could organise things differently to feel as if there's more time in the morning for instance?

I think you're right and that more control is what he needs. I do feel that with an 8 year old you've got the chance to let them experience the consequences of their actions. If not dressing makes him late for school then tell him you'll let him explain why to the teacher.

With the handwashing thing well I guess I need to here because I don't insist on this for meals. My mum says 'you've got to eat a pound of dirt before you die' DS knows very well why we need clean hands before eating, and he can make the choice whether his hands need doing. If he's been out in the garden playing then to me that's more important than if he's been in the house playing. I've got DS some of that special handwash where you just use that, and no water, and he loves using that. Maybe your DS would like that too - it's just something for them, it belongs to them and they take control of using it.

Is it possible to change routine so that he gets dressed before he comes down in the morning?

Also although my DS is 7 I still have to totally organise him re dressing. I hand him his clothes and we sit and chat while he does it. I think sometimes kids this age still need a bit of company/jollying along while they do stuff. Calling from the other room or while you're doing ten other things just might not be so successful.

hope some of this might help

Oh,that sounds horribly familiar. I read the op out to my mother, she asked if I'd written it! No real tips here. I try to appeal to his good nature, but inevitably there's lots of nagging / rewards / withdrawal of computer time.

We're also having a bumpy time with our 7 year old ds1 who's just moved to year 3 and it's definitely having a negative effect at the moment.

I think school expects more from year 3's and ds1 is very, very tired at the moment, feeling like school's very strict and so he's taking it out on us when he's at home (oh joy).

We've had some humdingers of rows but dp and I are trying to be patient (apart from when we're not ).

Over the last fortnight we've had "I hate you", "I wish I'd never been born" and "I wish I had a different family" - none of which we've ever had up until now.

My mantra at the moment is along the lines of we've just got the get through the first term - it'll all be OK....

Thanks all.

Yes slow reading, I probably do need to give him more time I guess. It's just that with three of them it could take hours! I will think about your tips though (& no I don't insist on hand washing if they've been in the house, just coming in from shopping etc).

Dotty and Vachebleu - it's tough isn't it!

Could be my child. I have recently been getting some counselling to help. The book "how to talk to your child so they listen and listen so they talk" by Faber and Mazlish is superb. Revolutionises the approach. I am far too authoritarian and end up nagging. This book gives useful practical approaches,takes some learning but already showing signs of success.

Having said, that I slapped his face for the first time ever today,bad afternoon;I lost it. I feel terrible but did apologise.

Interestingly had a big tadoo about him doing homework. I refused,in the end, to help him after he had been beligerent when I did. I felt better and guess what ,he did his homework without me, in bed tonight.VICTORY!!!
being a parent is so hard isn't it.........
Best of luck, at least we are not the only ones.

Thanks for this we are having similar problems with our 8yr DS - have just reserved the book at our local library.

It's interesting isn't it. So many of us have these problems yet when you see kids at the school gate everyone seems fine and no parent has yet talked to me about their problems like this. I must get out more.

I must re-read the book. I have it under the bed gathering dust . When we read it first time it was very useful - it is just managing to remember those ideas in the heat of the moment, 2 minutes before you need to leave for school when your 8 year old has pants and one sock on and his brother's nappy on his head .

I am at the point so much of the time of losing it with my 8 year old ds. He always without fail has a dreadful behaviour decline when he moves up a year or changes class at school, which isn't his favourite place in any case. I have had some terrible times with him this term, it's like he has a rage boiling up inside him which comes out with the least thing at home. I try so hard to be understanding but often he won't respond to anything and just seems to need to show aggression, defiance, cheek, sometimes violence and general horrible nastiness. I think this must be a lot more common that we think and I agree with the poster who mentioned that it never looks like anyone else has problems at the school gate - I find this particularly at my son's school, small village one, large proportion of smiling, attractive and well-dressed alpha mums who make me feel depressed, I'm sure you know what I mean!
I too am just trying to navigate through this very difficult period in the hope that it will ease off over time, which does seem to happen eventually. The only other thing would be to talk to the teacher/s but I think they are limited in what they can do really and it's a case of the child somehow adjusting to the rigours of school and finding their way. I don't think there's a right answer but just trying to be supportive and hear them out when they have a long list of complaints at the end of the school day. I too have the don't want to get out of bed mornings and getting to breakfast with 5 minutes to go etc, it's absolutely maddening but the only answer I think is to not get panicky and angry that just makes it all more stressful - easier said than done of course! It's always a relief to find that there are lots of other parents having such similar problems and difficulties and hopefully we'll all get through them in the end!

Nerdella - I guess we should be happy that our children feel able to do all this rubbish at home. Apparently, the children to worry about are the ones that are good at home and naughty at school. Difficult to remember that though 7 mins after you were meant to have gone to school.

Most of the problem in our house is that I don't get up early enough and then spend so much time about them not being ready on time that they are and I'm not!

Count yourself lucky that you have only the one 8 year old Ds. I have 2 of the blighters!
It all sounds very familiar especially with Dt1. We end up giving in to him far more than we should , just for a quiet life

At school they will be told that breaking the rules has consequences, so first you and your DS need an agreed set of rules that apply to both parents and children. Then you need an agreed set of punishments/rewards to be taken away. Maybe if you talk with the teacher you can make it much more consistant so you are working with the school, rather than confusing him with different standards of behaviour.

He's not that bad Dominique - not enough to get school involved; just testing boundries. I don't really want to do everything by threat and punishment to be honest.