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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

6 year old out of control

20 replies

savannahsmummy · 24/09/2009 12:02

Can anyone please help me my 6 year old daughter is driving e insane!!

I am very worrie about her she has always been a difficult child but shes gettng worse not betterand i dont know what to do,

She is very aggresive and does not responed when punished she hits me when eveshe is in a bad mood which is alot lately and now if i send her to her room as punishment she screams that no one likes her and she is going to jump out window and kill herself/

Please offer any advice you can i dont know what todo

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Julesnobrain · 24/09/2009 12:23

Can't really offer advice but my six year old son is behaving in a similar fashion but threatening to stab us all. He has just now started to calm down. We are having to pick our battles carefully and we have 2 big no no's shouting at adults and hitting adults. That is instantly punishable with timeout on the naughty step, no warning nothing. If he won't sit on the step then i count till 3 and then deduct 10 pocket money. The first week we did this he lost 70p last week -10P . Good luck i do think its an age thing.

buy1get1free · 24/09/2009 17:05

What is she like at school? Have the teachers commented on any negative behaviour ?

ICANDOTHAT · 26/09/2009 12:42

Ruby40 · 26/09/2009 15:40

My 6 yo DD is also going through a difficult stage. She is very strong willed. I have started deducting pocket money for bad behaviour/disobedience. It works well.She starts with £1.50 on a Saturday and we will deduct 5p at atime for poor behaviour. She did well this week and ended up with £1.20. I don't physically give her the money until the end of the week. We keep tabs of it by keeping a running tab on the fridge. It is certainly helping with her subtraction!!

cariboo · 26/09/2009 16:06

She sounds like a drama queen, tbh! Ask her what she thinks she might gain from throwing herself out of the window & killing herself.

I do sympathise as my 6 yr old ds was only recently diagnosed with ADHD. He was an angry & unhappy boy from day 1. Not to say your dd has the same. I guess you've tried asking her (when she's calm) what's making her angry and what you could do to help?

piscesmoon · 26/09/2009 16:23

I would agree with cariboo and talk to her when she is in a good mood and calm. Ask her what makes her so angry and what would make her happy. Draw up a list of rules together that you both think are reasonable. Ask her what she thinks would be a reasonable reward system if she sticks to it. She might like to make a simple list of fun things to do with you and you could put marbles in a jar (or similar) and she can choose one when it is full. Or she might like the pocket money idea. Discuss what is fair if she doesn't stick to the rules. Once it is decided, stick to it. (don't have too many rules and ignore things that are not too important).
I would tell her that you will talk about it at the end of the week and both of you can say what you liked best and what you didn't like. I should try and ignore and keep calm as much as possible. Give her attention when she is good.
I just think that if you involve her more and she feels that she has a voice she might not get so angry. Explain that she only gets a say if she is calm at the time.

ChunkyKitKat · 26/09/2009 18:02

How do you deal with the hitting?

My ds, age 6 last year, hit me, I got down to his level, and spoke in a very stern voice "that is unacceptable" then time out to calm down. Later I would try and get him to talk about why he was hitting.

I also stopped him watching Ben 10, too violent and I suspect it was affecting his behaviour.

Agree with Piscesmoon, also try and ignore some of the stuff she is doing.

Do you think there is anything at school/friendships that is making her feel powerless and upset?

joburg · 27/09/2009 11:59

we had some of these behaviours too ... already starting from the age of 4.5. 3 hours of tantrums, screaming until i couldn't do anything else than drag DD in the bathtube (lukewarm water calmed her down), trying to reason with her and everything would end up in a messy denying attitude, or even worse, screaming she hates everybody. Hitting herself (but later on i found out this was just to uppset me) until a psichologue explained to us we have to be more firm with her than with other kids (i would have thought just the opposite. No explanations, she said, (at least, not as we used to do it, like with 'normally' understanding children or negotiating as we tried before), no screaming, she said either!!! but just firm decisions in a calm voice (the difference between a calm voice and a screaming one, she said, is that the kid can speculate the fact you are uppset. while the calm voice, not only calms the child down, but makes him/her understand he cannot play with you, you are in control ). It took a while but DD (6 1/2) starts to listen to what we are talking. The psichologue explained that firm boundaries create a stronger feeling of saftety, for longer terms (for certain kids), despite the first reactions of frustration .... don't know if this is the right way for you ... it worked for us

m1nky · 27/09/2009 12:34

Be consistent with how you deal with the behaviour. Making sure that you are consistent helps set the ground rules. If you let her get away with something one day that you wouldn't on another day, it's just giving her mixed messages.

Make sure you look at your own behaviour and feelings as well. When you have a shorter fuse, little problems will feel like the end of the world. If you are feeling calm, those little problems may not be an issue.

Also, make sure you enjoy time with your daughter. Make sure it's not just about punishment. Fun times can help to keep things calm. Don't be worried about behaviour. If it gets out of hand, stop the fun and have quiet time where they have to think (this might be better for a child that can be calm I know, it's difficult to have quiet time when they are screaming!).

And last but not least.... see it through! If you say that you want something done, and it doesn't get done, KEEP GOING! for however long it takes as well...

Good luck!

Original poster

savannahsmummy · 28/09/2009 08:16

Hi Everyone thanks so much for the advice, In andswer to some of the questions yes the school have commented on her negative and aggressive behaviour she has on 3 occassions hit her teacher they currently have a reward chart in school for her which they also ask me on her home behavour and reward her if she has been good for me, When she was 3 her nursery found her difficult and had her assessed by pre school inclusion workers who said she was very aggressive and intimidating to others but failed to offer any support.

We moved home 7 months ago and while she has friends she plays with at home (all younger than her) she seems unable to make friends at school this cleasrly upsets her and i ve tried to explain to her thet her behaviour is perhaps scarring the children and thats why they wont play with her.

We have talked about why she says she wants to kill her self and the only reply i get is silence or because i want to !!

OP posts:

ICANDOTHAT · 28/09/2009 13:38

Savannah Have skimmed through the posts so not sure what advise you've had so far. I would talk to your GP and tell them all the concerns you have regarding your dd. I think if it has go to the point where she is hitting her teacher, she's having some kind of difficulty either communicating or understanding emotions. She obviously drew attention to herself from nursery days and I think they probably should have done a bit more to help her then. Just going through your concerns with a GP will either put your mind at rest or help your dd by being assessed by specialists is pediatrics. My ds is dx ADHD. The hardest part of my sons dx was me biting the bullet and getting 'real' help. Sometimes stress or depression in children can manifest into anger/aggression towards others - they have no other way of expressing themselves fully.

Original poster

savannahsmummy · 30/09/2009 10:46

Hi thanks for the advise i contacted my doctor but tehy were not very helpful put me on a wiating list to see someone but said it would take A long time so i have also spoken with the school how are looking into it to see what help they cdan get us buyt at least now i finally feel like somthing will happen although it was very hard asking for this help i know its what mmy daughter needs so well worth it

OP posts:

ICANDOTHAT · 30/09/2009 12:11

Nice one ! Good luck and keep us posted

coultie · 30/09/2009 17:03

Hiya my ds also has adhd and is at the moment getting assessed for autism as well. But unfurtunately he has been excluded from school as from today until next wednesday due to his constant bad behaviour, we are at our wits end and dont know whether to be angry with him or the school for as we feel for giving up on him as he is only 6 yrs old. and although we understand the school has done all they can and they have other pupils to consider we are upset that it has come to this as we dont feel that by excluding him is going to help with his behavioural situation

ICANDOTHAT · 30/09/2009 17:09

Coultie does your son have a Statement ?

coultie · 30/09/2009 18:58

not at the minute he hasnt

Oblomov · 30/09/2009 19:44

My 5.10 year old said he wanted to die, the other day. Along with that he was going to live with my friend, that "you don't care about me" etc etc. Was a bit shocked by the dying bit. But 4 other mums in year 1 have told me the same thing. So maybe it is just a thing going round schools at the mo ?

buy1get1free · 01/10/2009 07:54

Coultie do you have a parent/school link worker in your area? Someone who will help you liaise with the educators ... Maybe an inclusion officer? How long has he been expelled for? They have to tell you the length of exclusion and they are not allowed to discriminate against your child's disability (that being ADHD). I think I saw you over on the SN board?, you should get some advise there on what to do next. Good luck

ICANDOTHAT · 01/10/2009 09:40

Coultie - start your own thread on the Special Needs Children Board - lots of help and experience there

coultie · 01/10/2009 15:34

Thanks alot for that i am new to this so didnt know there was a special needs notice board so thankyou for that info

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