Friends 4 year old is nasty to my 1 year old

[giaoli]

Has anyone ever been in the situation where a friends child is quiet nasty and harsh with your smaller child, if so what did you do?

How does friend deal with it?

Its always different depending on the situation but majority of the time she makes the child apologise but the child sometimes denies it or will cry to get sympathy so its forgotten, Im the one who always sees it happen as Im waiting for it to happen if you know what I mean, I try telling the child its not nice etc in a nice way but I feel like Im always getting at the child.

I would avoid them for a while, or try to meet your friend alone.
It's not fair on your little one.

I have had several encounters like this! And the frustrating this is not the older childs fault but the parent who is not doing enough to make sure this doesnt keep happening. My frieds 3 year old is forever snatching and screaming at my 1 year old, and allmy friend says to her child is thats not nice, if your like that they wont want you to come round and play anymore, too right!! Its not my place to discipline someone elses child when the parent is there, i can say thats not nice or thats naughty but thats about it. I made a point of putting off further playdates, in a bit of an obvious way by making excuses and i think my friend did realise and made an effort to meet up again and was noticeably dicipling her child when this happened again. but in another case, with a different friend, it was just getting plain uncomfortable to see someone else child being a brat in my house, yet when my child was playing up she was disciplined by me- and it just wasnt fair. Ive battled with my conscience and spoken to loads of friends and to be honest you have 2 options either tel you friend how you feel honestly OR avoid them for a while and just meet your friend separately or not at all- definately not fair on your little one!

I think I will have to tell my friend the truth but Im worried it might make things awkward, but your right my little one doesnt deserve it (not all of the time anyway) and its awful to see it knowing I cant do much about it. Thanks for your advice.

Depending on the friendship, I would be inclined to intervene in a 'not blaming or pointing fingers way'(although of course, inside your head, you are), but try to provide a bit of distraction (and importantly, taking charge of the situation) by announcing something like 'ok, let's all play nicely together, and see if we can put this jigsaw together, stack these blocks etc'.

I wonder if the root cause of it is an attention seeking ploy, because your friend is busy talking to you?

Alternatively, try to meet up without kids. I have a wonderful friend, but I find her DC quite tiresome. It has taken so much strain away when we plan to meet in the evenings without DC.

That is a vast difference in age so not altogether unexpected. Agree with the consensus to meet up seperately.

Also, do remember that once your own child gets to 4 these things will look very different; they will not seem so dauntingly large any more, you will understand the reason for their actions and may well think that other friends with younger children are overreacting.

Giaoli, it's difficult to give an opinion without specific incidents or behaviours. What does the child actually do?

If, the majority of the time your friend makes her child apologise then at least she is not ignoring the behaviour. I do understand how heart wrenching it is to see anyone be mean to your baby, especially at 1.

Giaoli - Perhaps, next time it happens you could suggest to your friend that you start meeting without the children as you have noticed that her child is having difficulties playing with your younger child. It may be that she doesn't realise that she is not doing enough to stop it. Or, if as cory suggests, she actually has no problem with it then at least you're letting her know you have a problem with it.

Not saying that your friend is like this, but some parents believe their dc to be so precious that they are never really at fault. How would she feel if an 8 year old was mean/aggressive towards her 4 year old? Not really fair on your lo, don't let him be conditioned into feeling that he is less important or worthy of respect.

Like people have said it's difficult to comment without specific examples, and I agree with Cory that when you only have a very little one it can be hard to know what is typical behaviour for an older child.

Having said that, if you really think the child is being especially nasty to your LO, I would just say something to the child myself if the other mum doesn't seem to be doing much about it. You don't have to go over the top - I would just tell them not to speak like that/do that, it's not nice etc, in a firm voice so that the child got the message clearly.

The mum maybe won't like that but my priority would always be to stand up for my child if they can't stand up for themselves. You don't want your child to think you aren't prepared to do that. He/she will learn to do the same when older.

Personally I think that's much simpler than stopping meeting up, that just makes it into an even bigger deal.

Thanks all for your replies.
I do have a 4 year old who is best friends with the child Im talking about, that is how I became friends with my friend because of the children. So I do understand how the child may see things as my 4 year old also has been harsh etc but I can deal with that myself.
I have told the child several times not to do that, thats not nice etc and my friend will make her apologise but I feel like Im going on at the child and my friend might be thinking bad things about me but something has to be done to stop her from doing it now as apologising isnt enough and my LO doesnt understand that anyway. I understand that my LO can bother the 4 year olds so sometimes I agree with them but not when its pure nastyness.

Giaoli, I really am curious to know what the 4yr old is actually doing though, you are being very vague. I don't see how anyone has been able to give an opinion based on the limted information you have provided.

I have this with my 5 year old nephew and my 15 month old he's tried to turn the pram over pushes his face ,wakes him up,its stressfull because you have to be on your guard at all times,The parents tell him off but to no avail,hoping he will grow out of it
luckily we do dont see them that often last year i read him the riot act as my ds was only 3 months old, this year probably not politically correct but i got a huge box of sweets and said that if he behaved himself he could have them when i left, There were still a few incidents,Next year when we see them he will be six and hopefully a little better

You need to be more specific. Is it because your 1 year old is playing with her toys/spoiling the game? Is she retaliating for something your 1 year old is doing to her? Is she lashing out/shouting at her for no reason?