Is it wrong to tell DD (nearly 3) to push back?

[Sophiale01]

Hi

My DD (nearly 3) is a lovely little girl when around other children, has never lashed out at others, shares her toys etc when other children come round. The other week I went to pick her up from nursery and she was around a corner of the room with some other children and didn't see me standing there. I was just watching what they were doing and another boy pushed her for no reason. She immediately went away and stood by the wall with her fingers in her mouth looking sorry for herself (this boy's mother was there by the way and didn't say a word to her son which I was fuming about). Anyway, I went and picked her up and straight away she told me what happened which I obviously saw already and I told her that she should go to one of the nursery staff if that happens. She said no so I said to push back. I no its wrong but I don't want her being picked on. I felt awful for her.

I did also speak to one of the nusery staff but they can't watch everything that goes on and they assured me that they don't usually see that sort of behaviour and if they do they act quickly.

What would you advise?

I definitely would not advise pushing back at 2 years old.

Pushing is very common as is not sharing at that age.

My stance is always that any type of pushing/hitting etc is not nice and not tolerated. She should tell the staff as you said.

I wouldn't tell her to push back as it means she's likely to get in trouble too and 'Mummy told me to'...

I would tell her (as you did) to tell a member of staff and also make them aware yourself. So I think you were right to do the other bits.

She'll learn to either keep out of that boys way (as my niece has done with a similar situation aged 3) or make sure she's in sight of the adults if she wants to play with him.

Yes it is. She does sound like a lovely, gentle little girl, don't spoil that by teaching her to be violent.
Little children do push and shove but the message should be that it's not acceptable - ever.

No, don't tell her to hit back, it won't improve the situation. I have taught my DD 3.1 to say "No, don't push/hit/bite me it is not nice" in a loud voice so that it teaches her to be assertive and also alerts adults nearby that there might be an issue i.e when she is at nursery.

Of course, this has never precluded her from being a pusher herself on occasion, but I have never told her to do this and I never would. I think the key is to teach assertiveness skills, not aggression.

one problem with telling her to push back is that the nursery staff may not see her being pushed first, and only see her retaliation, and then she gets in trouble and gets labelled the pusher. Just not a good idea in my mind. I go along with the method of teaching her to say in a loud voice "don't do that/stop that" and to tell the staff what is happening.
Your little girl should be fine, they never seem to mind as much as we do on their behalf!

I would never advise pushing back. I would say shout NO! stop pushing me very loudly. This will not only startle the pushee into stopping, but alert the adult looking after her so they can intervene if necessary.