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Original poster

regret having kids?

58 replies

WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 15:35

It's terribly un-PC (non-PC? whatever)
but I have to "say" it somehow: I wish I didn't have kids!!!
(runs away and hides to avoid flaming message of hatred surely aiming my way from capable mothers unlike me)

I started back to work a few months ago (after 3 years out), just 3 days a week. At first it was a very good work/life balance but lately I've dreaded the life bit -- my kids are driving me crazy! It's as if they save up all of their worst behaviour for the 2 days I'm at home with them on my own.

Working has reminded me how life used to be - when we had an income, and travelled (in peace), and slept past 6am on a weekend.

Can anyone remind me why I had children in the first place? Mine are 2 and 3yo. I want to run away...into the past preferably!!

(returns to hole in ground in shame)

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SixtyFootDoll · 07/08/2009 15:45

Sorry I dont know what to say
Kids are hard work But have never regretted haveing them

sarah293 · 07/08/2009 15:48

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lynniep · 07/08/2009 15:54

I'm not going to slam you for feeling that way, but nah I dont regret having DS ( Cant say what I'm going to feel like in a few months when I've got two of them!). He can be the most irritating, stubborn, noisy, infuriating and downright exasperating little individual, but he's also the funniest little person ever and he is my sunshine.

I would never ever go back, my life is different now, but whilst Id like to lie in beyond 6am sometimes I dont think I could have lived my whole life the way I did before. Was kind of bored of it. Perhaps cos I started relatively late? i.e. had DS when 32?

I might have said it in the first 8 months - probably had pnd - didnt feel any bond with DS - but once I started getting attached to him I can say it never crossed my mind to regret deciding on the life I have now.

But I am nonetheless relieved when I can pack DS off to nursery, or when DH takes him out for a bit. I would love to be able to go for a peaceful holiday in the sun, but I get the odd time out now and again e.g. spa day with mates once or twice a year. No its not the same but I appreciate it more

QueenEagle · 07/08/2009 15:55

To cut a very long story short, I remarried with 3 kids and had 2 more with new DH. In all I had been at home for 15 years, some of it working but the time with new DH was purely as a Mum at home with 5 kids.

Followed my dream of new job and 3 years ago went out to work full time on shifts, fantastic comeraderie, team work, exciting job etc. The job gave me lots of days of in the week and I had the two youngest on those days taking them to school and swimming etc.

I HATED my days off. They revolved around the kids who, as you say in your case, saved their worst behaviour for me. Plus DH was a knob and despite us both working full time the entire housework fell to me. I resented my time at home and looked forward to work days. I am sure DH resented me doing my dream job but that is a story for another time lol.

I think that this could be as much your attitude to your kids as anything, as I feel it was in my case. I wouldn't say I regretted having more kids but I did find myself wondering what my life would have been like had I not remarried and had 2 more. If it had gone this way I would be a full time working mum with 3 very independent teenagers.

However, I made that choice and know I have to live with it. I now still adore my career but try to be as positive as I can be on my days off with the youn ones and it is improving for me. Much of my "problem" with them comes down to the lack of support from DH and now that I realise this I feel I am coping with it better.

So I sympathise with you but, you had the kids and you have to make the best of your days off. I am sure we all reminisce about life as it used to be but you just have to adapt to your life as it is now.

BigGobMum · 07/08/2009 16:00

Never regretted it but I too understand. Riven I have name changed several times but have been on Mn for a long time and have been concerned for your situation with dd1 as I have had a similar situation with dc1. I just want you to know that four years down the line we are managing, very slowly to build bridges. I hope that this will happen for you too.

DamonBradleylovesPippi · 07/08/2009 16:08

I do not regret having them as I could not now think of life without them now that I have known them ifuwim but but but at times I certainly look back longing for the life as it was before, that life were I was enough: the carelessness of it, the ME time, the 'life is all about me'... so yes I understand and sympathise.

sarah293 · 07/08/2009 16:17

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screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 16:17

I do not regret having them, but nor would I criticise you for feeling that way - looked at objectively, it's a pretty rational feeling, WHEN THEY ARE TODDLERS.

All I can say is, that for me it got a lot, lot better when they both went to school, slept through the night all the time, and stopped having tantrums. I really started to feel like me again.

Having children has given me immeasurably more than I have lost

Original poster
WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 16:21

i guess it's the totally incessant shouting (on their part and mine!) - at work at least my colleagues won't be rude to me all day long like my two DCs are - and demanding - despite my unending battle to make them speak more nicely they're only 2 and 3 - it's unbearable.

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screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 16:26

I do remember the feeling of constantly feeling under attack, feeling dominated by a little pint-sized despots.

But they are toddlers, that's their job.

MaybeAfterBreakfast · 07/08/2009 16:27

I don't regret having them at all, but I do regret not thinking more about what life would be like with children and establishing some 'ground rules' with dh about how we'd do things.

Much as he loves them (and he wanted them more than I did), I feel sometimes that dh regrets having children and the fact that he can't do the travelling and dining out that we used to do. He had/has very naive expectations of what life with children would be like.

Original poster
WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 16:33

i guess all of this whinging will seem very unnecessary and "quaint" with the passage of time, when they're older, but as with so many aspects of motherhood, the present moment can just be so hard to get through, no matter how many well meaning people say, "oh, it will pass." Useless rubbish! I need to know how to survive in the meantime!! I know regrets are not productive, but can't see a way out of it. No returns accepted...

perhaps that's why God invented wine

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sarah293 · 07/08/2009 16:47

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Mumcentreplus · 07/08/2009 16:50

WaitingForVino tell us about what you love about you DCs..being a mum is sometimes hard work and a responsibility but it is also a precious time and a certain level of acceptance is required..You have chosen to be a parent and it's hard..your freedom is effected and life is more complicated ...but you have 2 DCs that love you and watching them grow and change, become their own people and all the funny/special moments will overshadow the changes in your lifestyle..

Mumcentreplus · 07/08/2009 16:55

I have no regrets (well at least not today )

Original poster
WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 17:04

i'm not finding any moment I love at the moment, that's the problem.

it's just one task after another and potty training, applying for schools, fussing with nanny/nursery/childminder/work schedules, trying to please all the relatives with our travel schedule (neither family lives here), tantrums, messy eating, training them to get dressed, speak nicely, not run into the road, not hurt each other (too much) and ... well ... there's nothing in that which is pleasant!

I guess I do love my DD when she is in a sweet mood and cuddles up for a story at the end of the day. but DS is just a pain in the arse!

sometimes I think it's because we didn't bond properly when he was born. Stupidly I thought I could have a natural childbirth and he ended up in SCBU after failing to breathe on his own and I couldn't walk afterwards myself. It was a bad start. With DD I had elective CS, speedy recovery, lots of immediate bonding, and it's been so much easier to tolerate her.

I can honestly imagine sending DS straight back - isn't it horrible?

OP posts:
DaddyJ · 07/08/2009 17:06

WFV, from what you say it seems like you are just worn out and need a break.

You say things were good at first - what do you think changed?
Why are your kids suddenly such a handful?

SixtyFootDoll · 07/08/2009 17:09

You need to give yourself a break and stop trying so hard
'training them to get dressed, speak nicely'?
They are aged 2 and 3
You need to stop 'sweating the small stuff'
and just enjoy them being toddlers.
The wont be small forever.

Barmymummy · 07/08/2009 17:10

TBH I am glad that others feel the same way as me. I adore my children and can't imagine them not being here but if I can be truthful then I wish I had stopped after having DD. DS has some issues and I have lost so much of my 'life' worrying and trying to wrestle my feelings about it all that I wonder what life is all about sometimes. I constantly remind myself about all the major positive things I have and that does help. It is also the aspect of having 2 kids that I wasn't prepared for, the arguing, bickering, fighting, jealousy... Was naive I guess.

I find myself wishing that I had stopped after having DD as life would be....I guess...normal & easier.

Am sat here in tears writing this, its real heart wrenching stuff

TrinityRhinoIsInDetention · 07/08/2009 17:12

toddlers are very hard work
I know what you mean
I've never regretted having kids
but sometimes I do just want to be just worrying, looing after me

Mamulik · 07/08/2009 17:12

All you need is holidays without kids

Original poster
WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 17:16

DaddyJ I'm assuming you are a man? If so this could be difficult for you to understand, but try to imagine leaving your job to swell to twice your normal size and feel ill for 20 months of that time. Spend a few years with sleep deprived people who can't finish sentances because of their children. Then go back to work. Fairly soon, work starts to look like a pleasant place. Adults have their drawbacks but they don't poo in their pants, spill contents of drawers out just for fun, scream loud enough to give you a migraine, or demand entertainment every fecking second of the day. Men have got it easy (IMHO!) So it was good at first but it's becoming clear that I actually don't LIKE being a SAHM at all anymore!! On top of that my 2 DCs are so naughty! I'm unlucky I guess. And yes, could do with a break, agree.
I hate yelling at my DCs all day long!

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Original poster
WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 17:19

mamulik, you're right, but I'd never come back!

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MrsIdiot · 07/08/2009 17:21

Two and three?Know how you feel.

I've got twins who are 5 and geeeeenius. But most of the time when they were 2-AND 3- I wanted to leg it out the door and just keep running...AND I didn't have to cope with work as well.

It does get better. Really.

juuule · 07/08/2009 17:23

This is quite an enlightening and honest thread.
I'm always a bit when people ask 'should I have another baby?' and then someone always replies 'Oh go for it. No-one has ever said they've regretted having another baby but lots have said they have regretted not having one'.

I've heard people in rl saying they wished they'd stopped at no. ?. Obviously they love their children but they are fully aware that life might have been more the way they imagined had they not had 'just one more'.