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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

regret having kids?

58 replies

WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 15:35

It's terribly un-PC (non-PC? whatever)
but I have to "say" it somehow: I wish I didn't have kids!!!
(runs away and hides to avoid flaming message of hatred surely aiming my way from capable mothers unlike me)

I started back to work a few months ago (after 3 years out), just 3 days a week. At first it was a very good work/life balance but lately I've dreaded the life bit -- my kids are driving me crazy! It's as if they save up all of their worst behaviour for the 2 days I'm at home with them on my own.

Working has reminded me how life used to be - when we had an income, and travelled (in peace), and slept past 6am on a weekend.

Can anyone remind me why I had children in the first place? Mine are 2 and 3yo. I want to run away...into the past preferably!!

(returns to hole in ground in shame)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lou031205 · 07/08/2009 17:24

WFV, I think you need to think about that. DaddyJ might be a man, but he might be a SAHD. Men haven't got it easy. Not my man anyway. He goes to work then comes home and gets stuck in. Day & night.

Bensmum76 · 07/08/2009 17:30

Good to hear some positive advice here. Have been struggling with my 21 month DS the last few weeks and alot yesterday and today. i work three days a week in a fairly pressured job but sometimes would much rather be at work than at home with a little person who screams and shouts at me all the time. i feel exhausted from talking to him all the time, explaining things and trying to help him. DH is quite supportive but has very stressful job so has to work long hours sometimes. My family live half an hour away and don;t make much effort to visit or support me. MIL would be great if she didn't annoy me so much!!
I do believe deep down that this is just another stage and that at some point in the future things with DS will calm down again!

juuule · 07/08/2009 17:32

WfV - I think that's maybe a bit unfair to Daddyj. I can't think of anything worse than having a full-time job with the responsibilities that entails and still having the broken night's sleep and trying to help out once home from work. I did it for a few years and much prefer sah. I can more or less organise my own day (or at least I could until some of my children reached their teens which brings a whole different raft of challenges).

I agree with Daddyj that you sound tired. Is there any way that you could get some help? Sounds like you need a bit of a break.

sarah293 · 07/08/2009 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BigGobMum · 07/08/2009 17:58

I'd like to go to a retreat alone. Ive seen one near Whitby which looks promising!

Mumcentreplus · 07/08/2009 18:00

do you have family who can help Waiting

screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 18:10

WaitingforVino I know you're having a vent/rant, but DaddyJ may be a SAHD !

I did used to feel like waking out the door and never coming back. How much help do you get at the weekends ?

How much help with the chores ?

screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 18:13

Riven I know you hate sympathy, but your comment about DD always being like a toddler hits home to someone like me who hated that bit.

And you are right - it's the funny stuff that makes it bearable.

oneopinionatedmother · 07/08/2009 18:15

it's a stage. you'll spend 18 odd years waiting for them to be out of the door, then the rest of your life waiting for them to call....

DaddyJ · 07/08/2009 18:18

It's true, I have not gone through the 'swelling to twice your size bit and feeling ill'
so apologies if my short contribution seemed provocative.
Just saw your thread and wanted to offer some support.

That sentence 'At first it was a very good work/life balance but lately I've dreaded the life bit' made me think that maybe something has recently gone wrong that could be addressed.

I suppose the conclusion from the post you addressed to me could be:
Could you imagine being a WOHM? Is that logistically/financially doable?

shootfromthehip · 07/08/2009 18:19

There have been points in the last 5 yrs where I have felt like this; tired, miserable, lonely, unhappy, boring, frustrated, overly responsible- I could go on and on.

For me it all came to a head about a year ago where I seriously thought about packing a bag and leaving. I didn't but the big part of my issue was very much tied up in the idea of not being me anymore. I used to get freaked out by the level of responsibilty that I had and think 'do the grown ups know that I've got these children?'. I was unhappy in my marriage, where I lived and the parent I was. I was desperate to go back to the way that things were before we had the kids.

I had to get my head around the fact that my life was different forever and I would never get my old life back. When you accept that and stop fighting the changes it does actually get easier. You are now a Mum and you always will be. You can't go back. Accepting these basic facts helps you to stop feeling so resentful of your kids and the changes that they have brought (unwittingly) to your life.

I have had to accept that I will never get drunk at lunchtime again or be able to spend a load of money on myself because their needs are greater than mine. It is a different stage in your life that may not be as good as some of the other stages in your life but it is only here for a short while.

Before you know where you are they will be off to Uni and you will be on here sobbing your heart about about how much you miss them. They aren't wee for long.

2 and 3 is a REALLY difficult 'stage' IMO, and to be philosophical, this too will pass.

I don't know if you are feeling like I did but I am much happier now than I was last year if it's any consolation.

screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 18:29

shootfromthehip I feel similar to you. The more I fought it, the worse it was. The more you engage, the more you are rewarded.

shootfromthehip · 07/08/2009 18:55

Yip screaming, I get so much more out of the kids than I ever did before because I know that this is all temporary. One day I will go back to my career and I know that when I do I will miss the chances that I have now to see them change so much.

Don't get me wrong though, when I have cleaned the downstairs bathroom floor for the 14th time in a day I still want to pack a bag but that's more about doing the mundane chores than it is about the kids. I don't get much out of little kids either as I do find them very boring ( I teach secondary kids so tend to like them older) but enjoy my 5 yr old more and more each day although I though she was a pita for the first 3 yrs of her life. DS (2.6) I still find a pita

Oblomov · 07/08/2009 19:48

I have regretted. most of my friends have admitted they have regretted it aswell. Seriously regretted , at one time or another.
It may not be common to admit on Mn. Because MN is aparenting site. That is totally child centred.
But if yuo check in Rl. I think quite a few people would admit to it.

screamingabdab · 07/08/2009 19:58

Oblomov I'm sure you are right. The tricky part is, we who have felt that way, must admit it, but then do something to change either our perceptions, or our situation, so the children do not suffer.

WaitingforVino Is this helping at all ?

lovechoc · 07/08/2009 20:30

I definately agree with another poster who said that you have to just accept your life as it is now, not for what it used to be. You are a mum now, and nothing will change that.

I've had fleeting thoughts of 'oh f*ck this is hard work' but these moments do pass. DS is 2yo and it is a hard stage - but that's all it is - a stage.

I'm not having a go because I've been there myself. Getting support from other mums or getting a break (if you can!) will help you out and also just coming to terms with the fact that this is your life now. You're a mummy to two children, and they look up to you and worship the ground you walk on. When I think of it like that, I try to remember this was all for a reason.

sarah293 · 07/08/2009 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jujumaman · 07/08/2009 20:56

waiting I totally sympathise - there were many many moments last year when dcs were 3 and 1 when a whole day with them (I work 4 days) seemed like purgatory.

I remember someone saying "Go I bet you live for your day off" and me thinking "are you crazy?"

Right now I'm working with a very successful and - so far - childfree woman. She was saying to me today how she works non stop but every now and then has a whole day watching bad movies to regroup. I can't tell you how jealous I felt - a whole day! - indulging yourself! - with no nagging about doing a wee, eating food, not hitting your sister, not having to put out with freak outs because dd1 can't find her favourite stone she collected on a walk three weeks ago.

But, otoh, the past year has made a huge difference I realised at some point in the spring that I actually actively enjoy my children now rather than surviving them. Having said that dd1 is being a PITA at the moment and her bedtime was a shoutfest tonight. But those bits become rarer and the nicer bits increase. I promise.

bichonbuzz · 07/08/2009 21:14

Dear waiting for vino - i think that you have spoken the unspoken in a way-and you are brave- I think that possibily quite a few folk regret having kids - its just that its a taboo subject and people dare not say it.Im going to be really honest - i really love my two but if im honest i do regret having them. I put my heart and sole into being a mum but i still think that . i often try to avoid their company ouch but honest,i just want quiet.Im very lucky i know that they are such lovely people but i am a person who loves quiet and seems to need it.I long for quiet days and to walk with dh,and to wake up to a still house .I want to go on a holiday that is a holiday! and to finish a sentence or without children always being around,or even a car ride.
i think that the advice to engage rather than resist is really good - i find that when this happens its better but if we get a rare time out ,its like you said - i dont want to come back.I mourn my prev life and want it back and am worried that they wont go to uni or be able to afford to buy a house - i know someone whoses sons returned to family home after uni and he says he wished hed downsized as he now has two adult children in situ.!i remember speaking to an older lady who regreted having ds and i felt shocked at the time - id didnt children then- but i do think that it may be more common than you think and i admire you forsaying it ! you are not alone - but what is done is done - try to do what you can and enjoy what you can in the way that youcan and dont feel guilty! my ds has just come up trying to read thi s aaaahhh got to go ..

jujumaman · 07/08/2009 21:32

I saw an old friend the other day whose dcs are 11 and 8. To me she'd always appeared the perfect earth mother, gave up work when dc1 was born, breastfed them for years etc.

She said "What the hell was all that about. I wish I'd never bothered. Children are grossly overrated imo."

Her dcs are lovely btw - well, her dd is, her ds is a bit trickier. But hearing someone who seemed so sorted say that quite seriously did me the power of good.

Mouette · 07/08/2009 21:41

Dealing with 2 toddlers at the same time is very hard, no wonder your life feels like one long series of chores and not enjoyable. Things will improve as they get older, but in the meantime can you get more help? If you got some time to yourself once in a while it would enable you to recharge your batteries. And no, I don't judge you negatively - perhaps you set too high a standard for yourself? If you feel really down, don't hesitate to ask for help. x

Original poster

WaitingForVino · 07/08/2009 22:22

Thank you, everybody...
This has been hard to admit
who wants to say "I don't enjoy my children"?
We're supposed to be mothers goddammit
I just thought I could be a good one - but lately I'm not
I will keep trying but hell, it's just not that easy
I feel like such a failure - obviously other mums don't find it so hard

OP posts:

Mouette · 07/08/2009 22:37

Nah, plenty of mothers find it hard, but it's one of the last taboos, not something people admit to. I am worried you could get depressed if things don't improve - do speak to your GP if you find yourself totally unable to enjoy life.
I think perhaps you do have high standards? Maybe other mothers go with the flow more? Mothers are constantly expected to be the best, no wonder it is difficult sometimes. Does your DH not help?

bichonbuzz · 07/08/2009 22:41

WAITING FOR VINO please dont judge yourself - lots of people Dont tell you they find it hard - there are some mums - i only man some though not a generalization- who would never admit that they do find it hard - ones who are im sorry to say competetive - alpha type mums - or mums who just darnt admit its hard ! you are not a failure you are brilliantly brave to send this post and i 4 one feel better for you honesty .I wish i could nip round and bring you a big galss of wine ha !!

Mumcentreplus · 08/08/2009 00:17

Waiting everyone is different..and copes differently..but it's good you have been honest..times can be very hard especially when you have 2 little ones so close together mine were the same..I too found it hard at some points..do you have support?

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