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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What do you do with a child who keeps appologising for everything/cries when told off even slightly?

26 replies

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:16

He's 10, he's been like this for a couple of weeks, he drops a pencil and say's sorry, he asks for a drink and say's sorry. He's having alot of problems with bullying at school at the moment and he's being moved to a new school in September if he's offered a place. I'm not sure how to handle this in the mean time. He possibly has aspergers. The bullying is name calling and some physical bullying (hitting, he had someone throw a ball into his nose (twice) yesterday making his nose bleed).

OP posts:

MIAonline · 18/07/2009 23:21

for your DS

Hopefully the summer holidays will help to re build his confidence and being away from the bullies can only help.

I am sure just doing things he enjoys doing over the summer holidays to take his mind of the bullying that has happened and talking though his move to a new school and how it something to look forward to may help.

Hope he has a better experience in his new school. It must be heartbreaking for you to see the effect they have had on him.

Frizbe · 18/07/2009 23:22

Oh sorry to hear he's being bullied, it was my first thought when you said he kept crying and apologising for nothing really, poor mite. Has he finished at his current school for the summer now? I'm not sure what advice to give you here, it sure sounds like his confidence has taken one hell of a knock, I hope someone comes along soon who is better placed than me to help.

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:27

He doesn't break up until Tuesday. I've given him the option of not going back but he wants to see his friends, I've not heard from the new school yet so I don't know if he has a place, they are waiting for the current school to send a reference. He has a therapist but has not seen him for a couple of weeks, I'm not sure how else to help him though. He's saying sorry for almost every little thing.

It is heartbreaking. He's moved schools so many times, I hate to do it again, even if it will be better for him in the long run.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/07/2009 23:31

Your poor DS

I have heard really good things about taking up a marshal art to increase confidence in kids, especially if they've been subjected to any bullying. Not with the idea that they can fight back, but the concentration and discipline aspect.

Slightly different, but DH has a tendency to just blanket apologise for everything, it's a hangover from an abusive father and an abusive ex-wife. I sometimes ask him why he's apologising, it makes him stop and think. We have to tread a bit carefully around it sometimes, I really think he would benefit from some counselling but his ex-wife had it and it just enabled her behaviour from what I understand from MIL.

Sorry for the hijack - I do understand how upsetting it is. Hope you can find a solution.

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:34

He can't do sport, he falls over. He has flat feet and problems with the ligaments in his ankles so sport isn't an option. He told the new school that the current one has 'alot of ill-tempered children in it', which is why he wants to leave.

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MIAonline · 18/07/2009 23:35

Do the new school know what difficulties he has had?

Do they have a senco that could support him when he first starts in his new school? I know you said possible aspergers, but if it is a good school , they will still want to support him.

Is he going to secondary or starting Y6?

I wish i could give more advice, but from how caring you sound, you are probably already giving him the support he needs. I did wonder about a gentle, but repetitive phrase you could use every time he says sorry to help him such as It really isn't your fault, don't worry.

He is being really brave to still want to go in to see his friends, good on your DS.

slowreadingprogress · 18/07/2009 23:37

oh fluffy how sad for your ds and you. I agree with MIA that of course the summer holidays will relax him, being away from the school environment. Has he got relaxation CD's at all? We've given ds some to help him at night as he's a terrible dropper-offer without something to help him relax. I really like them.

also wanted to say don't feel bad about moving him; you'd feel worse to leave him where he is so you have no choice. It is imo far better to move to at least give the chance of it being the right setting.

He sounds such a sweet boy; he may never LOVE school, but with your support I'm sure he will have a very successful life - school is not life, not by any stretch of the imagination!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/07/2009 23:40

Can you work out a set of rules with him - things he is allowed to do that don't need an apology, and another (shorter) list of things that still would?

Bless him, 'ill-tempered children'. He sounds a lovely kid. I hope he gets the place at the new school.

MollieOolala · 18/07/2009 23:40

I know this is the least of your problems but I wonder if he has hypermobility?

Ds does in all his joints, worst in his ankles - the bottom of his legs seem to cave into his ankles straight to the floor without looking supported.

He fell over when he ran until he was fitted with orthotics - thick plastic insoles that help to sport his arches. It has made a world of difference to the extent that he came second in some of his sports day races whereas before he would fall over if he ran more than a few steps as he couldn't keep control of his ankle joints.

Hope you have good news soon about the possible new school.

MollieOolala · 18/07/2009 23:41

support his arches that should read.

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:42

They know about the possible aspergers, they have children like this there already, a senco and an educational psychologist. It's a private school, a junior attached to a senior so he can stay there with the friends he makes, know their rules, how they work and the teachers. I'm hoping he'll never have to move again. I keep telling him he doesn't need to be sorry for whatever he's appologising for, then he say's sorry for appologising for appologising. I don't know whether to email them about the bullying, he sat the entrance exam on Monday and the head said he did really well. He's really bright anyway but I am worried about him and the reference. He's a lovely boy, he does have alot of problems socially though.

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slowreadingprogress · 18/07/2009 23:42

fluffy that thing about sport is exactly what I mean about school; at work for instance, I don't do an hour's admin followed by a break surrounded by 500 colleagues all talking at the tops of their voices, followed by suddenly doing some of the account department's trickier finance work, followed by having to then play sport for an hour with said colleagues including having to strip off in front of them

School is awful in so many ways! We have to do stuff we're no good at every day; no wonder some kids hate it! And life after is just not like that!

Not that this helps now. It's just that my ds has some SEN and he really doesn't like school and I do really try and bear in mind that for some kids with difficulties, there is alot to dislike

but nothing you can do except what you're already doing eg love him, accept him and try to get him in a sympathetic environment

MIAonline · 18/07/2009 23:47

Fluffy, it sounds like he is moving to the best possible situation especially as it is a juniors attached to a seniors so he won't have to change.

Hopefully with the support they are able to give him and the break over the holidays he will work through this period. I really hope he gets in. When will you find out? Your DS may feel more settled when he knows for sure too.

slowreadingprogress · 18/07/2009 23:48

with the saying sorry, I think I'd be tempted to ignore it completely for now. If you pick him up on it clearly he just does it even more. I'd just ignore. Sounds like a habit of speech he's got into and he may well get himself out of it

What's his sense of humour like? Could you make a joke of it? goof around making the 'sorry's' an endless cycle of him saying it then you saying it etc. This sort of thing works with my ds because he picks up on a joke very quickly but maybe your ds is a bit too 'down' at the mo? Just a thought

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:48

He has insoles already, the children at his school pull his shoes off and throw them about though, he has an appointment on Tuesday as they are not helping and he needs something else. His ankles are very weak at the moment, I imagine the bullying will get worse if he has to have boots. I'll try the rules for things he doesn't need to appologise for.

The new school is great, warhammer (he likes this) club, chess club, climbing wall, the boys read outside if they want at play time (he's being called a nerd/geek etc at the moment so can't do this).

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Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 18/07/2009 23:53

He has a lovely sense of humour, he does seem unhappy, he's cried three times today over little things, he's normally a really happy boy.

They are waiting for the reference from his current school so it could be this week or next week. It depends what they say about him though. He made a really good impression when we went to look around and when he sat the test though.

Thankyou

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MIAonline · 19/07/2009 00:04

He sounds lovely and I really do hope things work out for you both.

Good luck

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 19/07/2009 00:05

Thankyou

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1dilemma · 19/07/2009 00:24

Ahh sorry fluffy roll on the end of term eh?

I was shocked by SRP description of stripping off in front of everyone at work until I found the 'I don't'

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 19/07/2009 00:28

I'm crossing the days off! He has a hospital appointment on Tuesday morning, I don't really want to take him to school afterwards so I may try and talk him out of it. It's stressful taking him to school as I never know what sort of day he's having so I worry all the time. The new school is far from home so he'll have an early start but at least he'll be safe (hoping).

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childcarecharlie · 19/07/2009 21:39

oh fluffy he sounds lovely, and its so sad that he's lost all his confidence. Could you explain to him that you don't like to see him sad, and that if ou had your way he wouldn't go to school on monday or tuesday, but as he wants to go you will compromise, he can go monday to say goodbye, but on tuesday you ahve something special for him? And then take him to his appointment and then out somewhere for a walk/icecream/visit somewhere?

I really hope he gets into the new school and is treated the way he deserves.

flaminhell · 19/07/2009 21:59

what a gorgeous little boy you have, you are doing all the right things, you cant do anymore, he just needs time and he needs to feel his inner strength. If he has dealt with all of this hes stronger than any bully, he just hasnt realised it yet.

Give him a big hug from me and mine, my 13 yr old ds was bullied for a long time, and he still carries scars now, but that tiger is in there when he needs it, he just has to remember to let it out.

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 19/07/2009 23:07

Thankyou. Your responses have made me cry.

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childcarecharlie · 21/07/2009 20:07

how did his final days at school go fluffy? were they any better?

Original poster

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 21/07/2009 20:11

He seems OK. He gave me his work for the term and a half he's been there, it consists of about five bits of paper, they have kept his maths and english work

We'e not heard from the new school yet, he keeps singing though so I can tell he's happier. He did say someone threatened him yesterday though, I'm so pleased he's not there any more.

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