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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Just about had enough!

13 replies

coolma · 17/07/2009 14:53

My dd3 is 3 and a half and absolutley horrible! You'd think, that with her being my third I'd know what I was doing, but I despair I really do . She is stubborn, bolshie, obnoxious and pretty much runs the house at the moment..I have a really demanding full time job and dh works part time in a pretty stressful one too, so we are both tired (as well as being 'older' parents!!) Her tantrums are getting out of control and she will not listen to anything. We've tried lots of things like star charts, firm boundaries, ignoring her, but she will not listen. She is deaf in one ear, which I do not use as an excuse but I have maybe mollycoddled her for being born with this (only one ear) and I guess have spoilt her a little because she is the last as well. I simply don't know what to do. her 9 year old brother is a lovely uncomplaining little chap, who puts up with her constantly interrupting, taking the attention away from him and generally treating him with disdain. Dh is fantastic and she will on occasion, listen to him, but on the whole, life is a nightmare. We never get a break really as have dead or very old parents ourselves, so it just seems magnified... She can be lovely but it's getting rarer and rarer. In the past 6 days i've had to literally drag her, screaming, away from a fete (she couldn't get on a ride THAT SECOND) and her brothers school show (I WANT TO BE ON STAGE...)
Please, any other ideas???

Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

kristatwin · 17/07/2009 15:08

Just a suggestion, have you got freeview or virgin or sky, there is a programme called house of tiny tearaways on at 8.00 and it is on the really channell i have found it very helpful.

ReneRusso · 20/07/2009 18:03

Poor you coolma, it's a while since my DD was at this horrible stage, and I'm not quite sure how I got through it. But I think the rather tedious textbook "ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good behaviour" does probably work in the end. Have you read all that stuff about descriptive praise and reflective listening? So if she's being pleasant (for a change), you say "DD is putting her shoes on the first time I asked, what a GOOD girl" (in a very lovely sincere voice) and if she's being grumpy, you reflect it back to her "DD is feeling a bit sad this morning". It's all in this book. Also explains how bad behaviour is due to an unmet need. She possibly wants to have more of your attention and is letting you know it by being horrible. But don't worry there is no working mum bashing in this book. I have read a few parenting books and this is the one that makes sense.

katiestar · 20/07/2009 18:27

How long has this been going on for ? I have a DD (my 4th DC) who seems to go through phases of this for no apparant reason and then comes out of them again and is lovely.i have always put it down to her being a bit under the weather.
Can your DD hear well enough to follow normal conversations ?If her one good ear gets a bit blocked, it must be immensely frustrating for her.

MyCatisGreebo · 20/07/2009 20:49

Hello, just in a rather convoluted way found this via another MNer putting on a thread trying to get hers answered, then noticed that you had already done it, clicked on your 'noone answers me' thread and found this.

Anyhoo..

I put on a v similar thread about 3wks ago about my DD who is 3.8yrs old and was driving me bloody insane. It seems that, as everyone says it is a phase and my DD is getting a bit better again now. Not sure if it is anything I did other than try to remember that she is only 3 yrs old and show her a lot of love and cuddles (even when I wanted to bloody throttle her)! She's now in a phase of being deliberatly naughty - which I am sort of combating with the use of a star chart.

Basically, I concluded that the 3s are harder than the 2's, that it gets easier in some ways as they get older and harder in others and 'this too shall pass'

Good luck! You have my thoughts!

GColdtimer · 21/07/2009 17:00

Not alone coolma (I aslo saw your "why does nobody answer me" thread

I thought the 2's were bad until we hit the 3's. DD is demanding and acts really quite spoilt a lot of the time.

I have found that the best way of combatting it is to pre-empt her all the time. So we go to the supermaket and I tell her firmly before we go in that she can't have anything off the shelf and that she can have a magazine at the end if she behaves herself. At a fairground I will tell her that it is the last ride, at bedtime I tell her how many stories she is going to get and warn her before the last one and ask her to tell me what is going to happen when we finish - she tells me "wee-wee, clean my teeth, big cuddle and bed". And if she does all of that without any fuss at all she gets loads and loads of praise for being so grownup.

Its exhausting but when I remember to do it she is like a different child.

Good luck

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/07/2009 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

coolma · 21/07/2009 20:49

Hi thanks for your replies We are now trying the pre-empting stuff but she's still being pretty foul. I hope it's just a phase, but yes i think 3's are certainly harder nowadys. Doesn't help when dh seems to buy her somwething every time he goes out!! his 'but it was only a pound' really doesn't mean anything does it? grr.

OP posts:

mololoko · 21/07/2009 21:26

it's nice of your dh to find little things she might like. how about having a special box - "daddy's box of treasures"? keep one gift in it, and if she does something really good, you could let her have it. then phone daddy in front of her and tell him all about it how good she's been?

Original poster

coolma · 22/07/2009 06:54

that's not a bad idea. It seems at the moment though, she's expecting something everytime one of us goes out and has a paddy if we don;t get anything..

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 22/07/2009 07:22

coolma, we have been having this with DD - but its normally icecream or a "treat (food)". And if you give her an inch, she takes a mile.

I do just tell her before we go anywhere that there won't be any ice-cream or treats this time. sometimes at least we have the tantrum before we go out but sometimes she accepts it. It blooming hard though.

MyCatIsGreebo · 22/07/2009 17:54

coolma, I think your me! Weve had to stop everyone buying DD little presents because of the said same paddy!

I've also found with DD that it seems the more attention she gets for being good, the worse she seems to be when bad! Marvelous. Today was a bad day with her and I honestly feel like smacking her! I haven't but it is bloody hard. She's just had her bath and emptied all the shampoo in the bath - not to be naughty but to make bubbles (I was feeding DS and listening in, obviously not listening enough. I didn't tell her off but did say in a reasonable voice, that I didn't want her to do it again because it makes the bath slippy and she could fall and hurt herself (this was after she had slipped a little). Little madam gave me such a mouthful! I'm now just waiting for DH to come home from work and take over.

I'm with shineon in that I actually think bad behaviour should be tackled (and anyway, ignoring it for my DD seems to be permission for her to carry on with it!) but lately it seems like its all I do!

I think we should have a 3yr olds support thread! Only joking ... kind of

Original poster

coolma · 22/07/2009 18:40

Not a joke - a bloody good idea!! We had a terrible night with her which is actually unusual now - we moved her into a new bedroom and she's been brilliant in there since, but last night, simply refused to stay in there so i ended up in my son's bottom bunk whilst she took over our bed, reducing daddy to a heap of anger today . I'd taken her to a play barn with some friends yesterday - took the day off work specially!!!!! (wish I'd gone in!) and she was fine until the end when, yet again, she went absolutley ballistic. The thing which annoys me more I think is the withering judgmental looks from the other mothers with their perfect (thick I expect ) childen, watching me try vainly to bend her leg to get a shoe on! It's just too much. I'm feeling really tired and a bit poorly tonight and really don't need this right now..

sorry, turned into a bit of a rant

OP posts:

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 22/07/2009 18:49

coolma (tis me, Greebo, I name changed because the cat is a bastard!! ) - I have found that clearly stating beforehand what will happen (i.e. saying - when I say we are leaving I want you to be a good girl) works when I can remember to do it.

I like to think that she is spirited and wont get walked over when she is grown up (I know that she is a bloody horror sometimes and I have very little idea how to deal with it).

I'm currently trying out something my cousin told me - basically showing her I am hurt and upset and kind of not speaking or letting her have any attention. It's what we would do to an adult so she can have a bit of that medicine!

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