Feel like the worst mum in the world - DD is driving me mad...

[womblingfree]

...we've been home from nursery less than an hour, she's refusing to do anything she's told and has already been in the garden, torn a large stem off one of the shrubs, covered herself in mud then got hold of a tube of handcream and squirted it over the carpet.

She's spent time with both grans this week - lied to my mum about what we did last weekend which upset my mum and nearly caused us to have a major falling ouy, being pretty vile to my MIL.

It's about the second or third lie she's told recently and although they're not really horrendous they are bad enough to cause trouble (and in one case was accompanied by her pinching a packet of stickers from a shop - we frogmarched her back and made her apologise.

She constantly answers back, refuses to do as she's told and if you as her 'how would you feel if...' says she doesn't care. If we threaten to stop her doing something she'll stamp her foot and say 'well I'm doing it anyway'.

When she is not playing up (which doesn't seem very often at the mo) she is a lovely bright, funny little girl, but I am at my wits end.

I have just really screamed at her and ended up in tears myself (not for the first time in the last couple of days)

She's probably been a bit starved of attention this week as I have been doing overtime and DH working long hours. I am also arranging a family party for tomorrow night so am up to my eyeballs with that, but surely it shouldn't cause this kind of mayhem.

She's my DD and I love her to bits but TBH I really don't like her very much at the moment - help!

She's 4.10 by the way - so old enough to know better.

I don't have any actual advice, my son is 3.11 and is driving me up the wall aswell - so you are not alone.

But didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

What do you give her in the way of punishment? Have you tried naughty step?

Not quite at that stage yet, but all I can say is that whatever punishment you threaten, you must consistently carry out (which I'm sure you do) and make sure that DH is singing from the same hymn sheett.

I wish you luck.

DD is 3.2 and sending me slowly insane at the moment too.

I'm guess that she'll be starting school in September. Maybe she is simply frustrated andwill settle then. I know it's a platitiude but if she's a bright little thing then she's probably more than ready. (slinks off horrified that I've just uttered grown-up middle aged words).

I know it sounds mad, but you need to calm down yourself as you are both winding each other up. Sit yourself down and just ask her what is wrong and tell her that you will always love her but her behaviour at the moment is making you sad and see if this opens her up.
I find that with my now 7yr old, when she used to be in her most destructive moods it was because she felt scared that i did not love her, because i was constantly telling her to do things and shouting at her.
We just sat down together and had a talk.

Agree with Ripe that YOUR calm is what will be necessary to change the situation.

Calm, and changing your expectations....yes she's four but four year olds are prey to all the normal impulses of human nature. If someone tells us they're going to stop us doing something, we resent it and we oppose it, because we have free will. Just because we're 4 doesn't mean we don't feel the need to express our will. That is one of the big frustrations of childhood, that we're not in charge. I think it's all about talking to them in a way that gives them as much choice as possible rather than expecting them to 'do as they're told'. Obviously at times this must happen, but less than you might think imo!

She answers back, again because it's just human nature; if in a confrontational situation, we fight! You don't have to stop her answering back imo. It's her only weapon at that point, it doesn't change what you're doing; you hold the power. It only serves to lessen your power and control imo if you get drawn into attempting to control what she says. You can ignore her, of course.

again, with the 'how would you feel if' thing, I think that is a good thing to SAY to her, but she is still only 4 - it will be possibly years yet before she has developed true empathy. Don't stop saying it, but try to see yourself as teaching her long long term rather than expecting it to have an immediate effect.

I think it sounds like things have maybe got a bit emotionally heightened; with the stealing, obviously it was great you took her back but with things like that I think a very serious but quiet chat and a disappointed face can be enough; doesn't need to be shouting and frogmarching. As long as she experiences the consequence, it's fine.

As the trendy poster says "keep calm and carry on" !!

oh and meant to add it is normal for kids to experiment with the truth. They need to learn the consequences of this by doing!

I'd tell your mum to ask you if she wants to know things for sure, not a 4 year old.....wouldn't be my most reliable witness of choice.......

DS1 is 4.5 and becoming much harder work, Ive put it down to getting 'top of the tree' syndrome at nursery and being a bit excited/anxious about 'big' school. i know that doesnt help much for the next 6weeks or so, but im hoping it will all calm down when he starts school and has some new chalenges

missmapp - I think that's a large part of the prob with DD as we've also bedwetting over the last few weeks during which time we've been doing school inductions etc - I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she's wet the bed in the last 2 years and since we had the last induction session it's ony happened once or twice.

My mum is v.indulgent of DD which is a pita at times and MIL tends to be a bit Victorian. Am hoping that when I've got next week out of the way (am doing 3 whole days a week as boss is on hols instead of usual 8.5 hours) we can get on an even keel.

DH will be off for school hols so perhaps it is about time we try and establish a bit more of routine prior to starting school and hopefully that will help her feel more secure and be a bit more cooperative.

Punishment-wise we normally go for early bed or withdrawal of TV or PC rights but probably am a bit airy-fairy at following through. It's her defiance that is absolutely breathtaking

mine is 4 and these days I have to stop myself from losing my temper and count to ten more often than I ever have
I think it is a time of boundary testing and very tiring I can't quite give advice as such
it is trying and best not get into too many battles just stick to what really matters imo

My DS is 4.10 too and while usually he is a lovely little boy, he has his moments. Usually when he is tired after a long day at nursery and the end of the week is worse...I try and be consistent. Doesn't always work. But what I hate most is coming back from work, wanting to have a cuddle and a chat - DH usually does one child and I do the other - and when it is my turn for DS1, frequently he is rude and wants his daddy. If this happends, daddy won't come in and he cries, eventually if / when he says sorry we have a cuddle and I explain gently why I am sad (ie lost it earlier).

I hope he will grow out of it, and realise that shouting and screaming does not work.

Good luck

She actually calmed down after I'd posted and was quite helpful in the afternoon. By the time she was getting a bit tetchy DH was home and then we had a nice snuggle on the sofa after dinner.

Have got my mum's birthday party tomorrow so DH will have her in the afternoon so I can get the hall set up with acouple of mates and my dad.

Have been planning do for 6 months and will be quite glad when it's over now TBH, especially with more overtime next week.