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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

constant arguing/answering back from 3 1/2 yr old

18 replies

mamatilly · 20/06/2009 21:57

my darling boy is being so outrageous - he has just learned to argue, so every request/suggestion/plan is met with 'but bla bla bla' to which i respond, to which he says 'but bla bla bla' , i finally snap, shout and the whole thing escalates...

i don't want to shout,and would really appreciate some ideas. he also interrupts constantly, it is totally frustrating, rude, he refuses to wait even for a moment and says excuse me over and over until all attention is on him and the thread of the adult conversation is completely lost.

help! x

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PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/06/2009 22:01

I am sorry I have nothing positive to add but wanted to say I feel your pain.

My DD is wonderful in every way, apart from just as you describe - i sort of took it that as a 3yo this was par for the course and I just needed to ride it out, and count to 10 LOTS.

I shall watch this thread to learn some tips too for the inevitable increase as DD grows older.

shhhh · 20/06/2009 22:04

oh watching this with interest...

DD (just 4) is the same, if you tell her off she returns with "but....." or even worse "don't tell me off " "You are not allowed to say that "..! obvisouly things I say to her back chatting...but she doesn't realise im the one telling her off and she should shut up and listen ..!!!

Dragonfly74 · 20/06/2009 22:05

Sorry no advise but I will be watching with interest as I have a 3.4yr old DS who sounds like your DS.

By the time he goes to bed at night I feel totally mentally exhausted and horribly guilty because I know that he's just being a 3yr old and shouting at him isn't acheiving anything. It makes me sad and i'm sure he feels sad too.

You have my sympathy.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/06/2009 22:05

DD says 'don't talk to me. I ANGRY'

hester · 20/06/2009 22:06

I'll look forward to the responses to this! It's exhausting, isn't it? My dd's latest is to respond to every request with, "Be PATIENT, Mum..."

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 20/06/2009 22:07

I have a bigger darling with this problem. I just say to him 'This isn't a discussion', then turn away.

Interupting? Just ignore them, once you are ready to talk to them say 'you wanted to say something?' really calmly.

shhhh · 20/06/2009 22:08

lol at hester's lo .

Good advice fluffybunny....

cookielove · 20/06/2009 22:11

i get a lot of back chat at the nursery i work at, i always say them 'that i'm not going to speak to them till they talk to me nicely' and then ignore them until they start behaving, chatting to the other children e.t.c nine times out of ten they hate to be ignored say sorry and then we proceed on, this also works with their behavour, taking them away from that activity 'they can only come back when they have shown me they can play nicely'

i know i'm not a parent, but this does tend to work with most of the older children.

AitchTwoOh · 20/06/2009 22:14

dd and i talk about good manners a lot, i tell her to remember her manners when i'm dropping her off at nursery etc. so when she does this stuff (which i gather is perfectly normal) i sometimes let her do it and sometimes ask her if she thinks she's showing good manners and that can sidetrack her.

i personally try not to do the 'i'm right/because i'm saying so' bit cos i heard her do it to her toys and it sounded pretty vile. after the manners thing, 'darling, that's enough now' and a suggestion of something to do as a distraction often works, even if the thing is going to be done tomorrow or whatever.
and when she gets into a temper (again, totally normal i think) and i can see she's going a bit out of control, i say 'oh my poor girl, have you got a noisy head, are you okay?' or words to that effect and she'll often say 'yeeeeeees' rather pathetically and it's the 'in' for me to give her a cuddle and get her to take a deep breath in and out.

basically, anything to get an 'in' and distract, distract i think. dd's a nice kid, her head is just full of a lot of stuff she needs help processing i think, so we're better doing that both calmly. oh and i ALWAYS apologise if i lose my rag.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/06/2009 22:19

Aitch - i do that when DD has a tantrum. I say something sympathetic, like you are really upset aren't you? often she shouts no at me, but often she says yes with a few tears, and like yours I get to give her a cuddle and help calm her down. When that happens I feel tearful too

Original poster

mamatilly · 20/06/2009 22:22

re interrupting - if i ignore him, he gets louder and louder and LOUDER,,, until it goes crazy,

if i say 'sorry sweetie its not for discussing it is like this' he just keeps on going 'but bla bla bla' and then louder 'bla bla bla' and then 'BLA BLA BLA'.. oh god!

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 20/06/2009 22:24

oh me too, i think it really scares dd to be right on the edge of a big tantrum, she's so glad of the opportunity not to go there. i see her doing the deep breath in and out thing on her own when she's frustrated with her shape sorter now, so hopefully it's a good thing.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/06/2009 22:26

I think also with tantrums its important to acknowledge their feelings, as sometimes they are so overpowered by very new emotions, it helps them to know its ok to feel that way, rather than try to ignore it, or just stop it without showing them you know they are upset/angry/frustrated etc. Helps validate what they feel.

shhhh · 20/06/2009 22:28

but aitch, I find that I also apologise when im in the wrong..BUT then on occasions when she is doing wrong and I try and disipline her she says "mummy, you are wrong for shouting etc at me" . Can't win!

poorbuthappy · 20/06/2009 22:30

I have 1 of these too...she thinks that she can get away with anything as long as she says sorry afterwards. It is really trying and now she trots out the word sorry every time.

AitchTwoOh · 20/06/2009 22:30

totally agree, pavlov. i remember seeing a shrink on telly saying that one of the most important things we do as parents is take these verbal ear bashings (which will get worse as they get older, or at least more colourful) and teach the child how to resolve conflict with others. she was making the case that this is the reason teens are so awful to their parents. (as the parent of a teen herself she said that she didn't always find it easy to practise what she was preaching).

AitchTwoOh · 20/06/2009 22:32

but you are wrong for shouting at her, though, with the greatest respect. i'm a terrible shouter, and so was my mother, i'm really trying hard not to be with dd, but i do arse it up and then do apologise. tbh i find me apologising to her gives us an opportunity to sit down and have common ground anyway so it's still a good thing, iykwim?

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 20/06/2009 22:33

shhhh DD does just that, and she will say 'You need to say sorry for shouting at me'.

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